kuki Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 Hey guys! Glad to be here Here goes: During the past 2-3 months I've finally been feeling that I'm over my last, extremely toxic relationship and I'm enjoying myself, meeting new people in general and going on dates every now and again. I am not looking for anything specific right when dating, however I am open to everything as long as the right person comes. In short, I just let myself go with the flow. However, when I do like someone, I prefer to be upfront and not waste time with games. In the past month, I've 2 first dates that went great but things went down the drain afterwards. The first one I won't go into. I will, however, focus on the second one: Right before New Year's I texted an ex coworker who I'd liked when I was there and felt that she had something for me too. At that point, we hadn't talked in 1.5 years. And to my surprise, her response was ecstatic, she was really happy to hear from me, in a more than friendly way. We agreed to meet the following week, but for one reason or another she couldn't and while I had no problem with it, I tried to keep some conversation going and all that. She answered but she didn't do anything to help it flow, so I just stopped texting her. Fast forward to last Monday, I get an WhatsApp for her asking how I was and when could we meet. It was a bit surprising, but hey, she took the initiative which is always a plus in my eyes. We agreed to meet last Saturday, and the conversations started getting flirty. We finally met, the flirting continued, we talked and had drinks for almost 12 hours straight without a single moment of silence. It was great, the chemistry the connection...we ended kissing many times and we spent the entire train ride back home hugging each other. Then we agreed that we should meet this Friday again. Told each other that we had a great time and we're glad to have met up. Sunday was alright, but when I asked her yesterday if she was up to for lunch somewhere between our workplaces Friday, she gave me a strange response: "I don't know the day for my driving exam yet, but we'll see, I'll let you know". Thing is...they don't really do driving exams on Friday noon here, AFAIK. She did a 180º out of nowhere, as it seemed things had gone really well. Upon recalling our conversation, I have a feeling that she's still carrying luggage from her last relationship, and obivously, that's something I truly understand as I was there myself not long ago. However, I'd prefer she were upfront with me regarding her reasons for this hot-n-cold behaviour, especially after that date. I don't know what else to think about this, as I've always liked this girl and it was requited even when we were coworkers, although we never did/said anything back then.
emeraldgreen Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 12 hours is 4 dates, not one. I think she got a whole relationship out of that one day and cooled off. Always leave your audience wanting more. I would pursue other options (one being yourself) and let her pick up the slack or drop off.
Author kuki Posted February 26, 2019 Author Posted February 26, 2019 I see where you're coming from, but she was the one who insisted on meeting Saturday "so we'd have more time".
emeraldgreen Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 Being overly available is not sexy. Be a guy with other things to do as well. She has to earn full day dates.
Versacehottie Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 idk, is it possible that it is exactly what she said? That she is legitimately trying to find out her schedule or doesn't want to meet on that particular day bc of work or school? I think you really are leaping to most negative possibility, i.e. because she is saying effectively not that day, you are taking it to mean she isn't interested in you? That's a leap.
Author kuki Posted February 27, 2019 Author Posted February 27, 2019 Being overly available is not sexy. Be a guy with other things to do as well. She has to earn full day dates. Again, I see where you're coming from but to be fully honest with you, I'm not really up for games. If things click and flow, why complicate things? I've always been the type of guy who had his handbreak on all the time, and it's neither fun nor enjoyable.
Gretchen12 Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 There's another guy. Could be an ex she's getting over or a guy she's dating. And this early in the dating, she may not tell you.
Author kuki Posted February 27, 2019 Author Posted February 27, 2019 idk, is it possible that it is exactly what she said? That she is legitimately trying to find out her schedule or doesn't want to meet on that particular day bc of work or school? I think you really are leaping to most negative possibility, i.e. because she is saying effectively not that day, you are taking it to mean she isn't interested in you? That's a leap. I wish it was just me being unreasonable, but I doubt that's case this time. She didn't offer an alternative and stopped talking afterwards. Mainly because the first time we talked after 1.5 years, it was the same minus the meeting part. First she's hot then next thing I know she goes cold, which is why I stopped texting her. In addition, driving exams don't take place in the afternoon here However, it sucks this time, because we did meet and admitted that we've both liked each other, things went great and then the same scenario as before repeats itself.
Author kuki Posted February 27, 2019 Author Posted February 27, 2019 There's another guy. Could be an ex she's getting over or a guy she's dating. And this early in the dating, she may not tell you. Thinking back to our conversations, my gut feeling is that she's still dealing with the breakup with her ex. And if that's the case, I empathise with her because I was there myself not too long ago. However, I just wish she were upfront about it and let me know whatever her reasons are, instead of this hot & cold ****.
TheFinalWord Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 I've learned not to rely on drinking dates as a predictor of future dates. People aren't behaving rationally if they're drinking non-stop and hanging out. But she may be getting the hint you want a relationship, or maybe you said something? In 12 hours I'm guessing something about a relationship or what you want in life cam up. I agree with the other poster, to keep the dates shorter and try not to have them all revolve around drinking.
Author kuki Posted February 27, 2019 Author Posted February 27, 2019 I've learned not to rely on drinking dates as a predictor of future dates. People aren't behaving rationally if they're drinking non-stop and hanging out. But she may be getting the hint you want a relationship, or maybe you said something? In 12 hours I'm guessing something about a relationship or what you want in life cam up. I agree with the other poster, to keep the dates shorter and try not to have them all revolve around drinking. We've talked about everything, including relationships. We both agreed that these things should happen naturally and that while we are not looking for something specific at this moment, we wouldn't say no if the right person came along.
MaleIntuition Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 Again, I see where you're coming from but to be fully honest with you, I'm not really up for games. If things click and flow, why complicate things? I've always been the type of guy who had his handbreak on all the time, and it's neither fun nor enjoyable. Because sometimes people need time to process, and slowing down the pace will give them said time. When you behave in a way that makes it crystal clear that you want to atempt a relationship with her; you are essentially presenting her with an ultimatum. Pull back now or take the very big risk of leading you on. And with such an ultimatum many will probably feel uneasy and just choose the former even if they had been open to a second date. 1
Author kuki Posted February 27, 2019 Author Posted February 27, 2019 Because sometimes people need time to process, and slowing down the pace will give them said time. When you behave in a way that makes it crystal clear that you want to atempt a relationship with her; you are essentially presenting her with an ultimatum. Pull back now or take the very big risk of leading you on. And with such an ultimatum many will probably feel uneasy and just choose the former even if they had been open to a second date. Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my explanation, but at no point did I imply to her that I was looking for a relationship and nothing else with her during our conversations. In fact, as I mentioned before, we talked about these things and we both agreed that, in general, people should just enjoy the experience and don't get all tangled up in tags and whatnot. I mean, yes, I want to get to know her better and I'm interested in seeing where this leads, but I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it.
MaleIntuition Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my explanation, but at no point did I imply to her that I was looking for a relationship and nothing else with her during our conversations. In fact, as I mentioned before, we talked about these things and we both agreed that, in general, people should just enjoy the experience and don't get all tangled up in tags and whatnot. I mean, yes, I want to get to know her better and I'm interested in seeing where this leads, but I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I was specifically answering why it can be a bad idea to “rush” things. She knows your intentions by your actions though. A lunch date is a much more relationship-y follow up compared to another evening out.
Author kuki Posted February 27, 2019 Author Posted February 27, 2019 I was specifically answering why it can be a bad idea to “rush” things. She knows your intentions by your actions though. A lunch date is a much more relationship-y follow up compared to another evening out. I guess it could be interpreted that way, yeah. Again, though, and sorry if this seems like an excuse, but by choosing Friday afterwork I was only following up on what we had discussed in person. This is why it's so confusing to me...
Versacehottie Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my explanation, but at no point did I imply to her that I was looking for a relationship and nothing else with her during our conversations. In fact, as I mentioned before, we talked about these things and we both agreed that, in general, people should just enjoy the experience and don't get all tangled up in tags and whatnot. I mean, yes, I want to get to know her better and I'm interested in seeing where this leads, but I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I think you hold this position above on one hand & saying let things happen naturally etc but on the other hand wishing she would just tell you what is going on etc is the antithesis of that. So I either think the person you "are", like how you are built just doesn't do well with indecision or being in limbo in spite of saying you want it OR that your intentions are different than you are allowing yourself to admit (to yourself, to her).
Author kuki Posted February 28, 2019 Author Posted February 28, 2019 (edited) I think you hold this position above on one hand & saying let things happen naturally etc but on the other hand wishing she would just tell you what is going on etc is the antithesis of that. So I either think the person you "are", like how you are built just doesn't do well with indecision or being in limbo in spite of saying you want it OR that your intentions are different than you are allowing yourself to admit (to yourself, to her). Indeed, I don't like this kind of uncertainty, especially in this context. If it was someone I'd just met from Tinder or whatever it wouldn't matter, but that's not the case. What's worse is that it's the second time she does this hot and cold cycle, but at least nothing happened before she went cold the first time, which made it easier to just stop texting her and move on. I'm 100% certain that, going over our first interaction two months ago, she won't say anything about rescheduling this week, so I won't text her either. However, I don't know whether I should ask her what's going next week. Edited February 28, 2019 by kuki
Author kuki Posted March 4, 2019 Author Posted March 4, 2019 Well, I "called her out" - more like asked if there was anything wrong or if there was soemthing bothering her, and she told that she felt overwhelmed and that she prefers taking things slowly, especially in this context. She hasn't shut the door on me - at least that's what it seems like - and said that we could definitely meet again when things will have calmed down a bit.
Grey40 Posted March 4, 2019 Posted March 4, 2019 Well, I "called her out" - more like asked if there was anything wrong or if there was soemthing bothering her, and she told that she felt overwhelmed and that she prefers taking things slowly, especially in this context. She hasn't shut the door on me - at least that's what it seems like - and said that we could definitely meet again when things will have calmed down a bit. How often and how much are texting or contacting her in between dates?
Author kuki Posted March 4, 2019 Author Posted March 4, 2019 How often and how much are texting or contacting her in between dates? It went like this after meeting: texted her saying I had a great time after dropping her off.sent her some links I'd told her about the next morning.asked her how her studying was going that evening.the following day, asked her if she wanted to grab lunch on Friday as we had agreed. For now though, I'll just give her the space she needs and get on with my own things. 1
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