ohoh Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 (edited) I know how this seems. My situation is that I am in a long term relationship with a guy I love because of such long time we have been together. He helped me a lot and I appreciate it. On the other hand, our relationship has never grown into something serious. In all these years we've been a couple, we haven't even lived together. He doesn't want to. He was clear with me on that. He makes effort to see me and our relationship is not only based on sex. We are faithful to each other. We have friendship too. It's just that we are not so compatible and we want different things in life. For one, I for sure do not want to live separately from my partner. When I talk to him about this, he gets mad and asks me what do I want from him. I gave this relationship a shot, hoping he might change his mind as the relationship progresses, but he didn't. Fair enough. So, if we see each other only once a week, and he doesn't want kids, marriage, or to live with someone...Is it ok if I kind of look what else is out there? He is lukewarm about me and he doesn't really care much if he losses me. He believes we'll stay friends if we broke up, so it wouldn't make much difference to him. I couldn't really do that. We could stay in touch, but being friends would mean me pretending and it would hurt too much. Same situation already happened last year. I was kind of looking for someone else while being in a relationship with him, or I was at least open to that idea. The moment I met someone, I told both of them about the situation, and I broke up with my bf. He took it well and said he wants and likes to be alone anyway. New relationship didn't work out and without planning, my ex and I got back together. So, now we are on the same spot again. He knows I am meeting new people and he trusts me. We are not in an open relationship. I have never cheated on him, if you don't consider meeting new people in a friendly way cheating. Still, I don't understand why he took me back? I've been with other guys while we were broken up, and he didn't care. In that time, he was looking for other girls too. If he was with someone else, I would never get back together with him. I know this sounds like a crazy mess. Please be honest. Can you share your thoughts on our relationship, about him, and about me? Edited February 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing
MaleIntuition Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 Brake up. Get over him. Then date. Why would anyone looking for a serious relationship want to date someone whom is already in a relationship? You are definitely hurting your chances to find someone with similar relationship goals as yourself by this “arrangement”. 4
chillii Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 (edited) And what about hurting other people ? So you wanna monkey branch. They do say women rarely leave without lining someone else up first but what l can't figure out is why, Why don't you just finish things with him first , that's the right thing to do, of course ! Then your free to do what you want anyway, problem solved . Edited February 26, 2019 by chillii 1
BaileyB Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 A man will not date you if you have a boyfriend. More importantly, if you don’t see a future with your boyfriend, break up with him learn to stand on your own two feet. Be single for a while - you might like it! You may just learn something about yourself and develop some independence. Then, when the right man comes along, you will be in a position to date him. Staying with your boyfriend until someone else comes along, or going back to your boyfriend like a comfortable sweater when it doesn’t work out with the new guy, is weak and unfair to him. Be better than that.
Whodatdog Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 It will be difficult to cultivate a relationship with someone new if you still have your foot in the door with someone else. You can't have it both ways. 1
Cersei Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 I think you already know that the right thing to do is end this dead end relationship. You are holding onto something that is leading nowhere. Just get it over with already.
edgygirl Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 It doesn’t even seem that he’d care if you date others while with him. But he is not the problem here. The problem is that new relationships will probably not work cause you have this invisible line tying you to him. Why is it so hard for you to let him go as it’s not working nor it ever will so you can focus on the people you date and can have a future with? Perhaps you’re also deep down emotionally unavailable as him and it’s useful to be tied to him so you don’t have to really connect to someone else for real?
smackie9 Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 I hate to say this but, have some dignity and end the relationship. Looking while you are seeing this guy makes you look weak and untrustworthy to any suitor you may met. Just rip the band-aid off and get on with it. 3
olivetree Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 The message you're putting out there by monkey branching is "I can't be alone". Any healthy, mature guy won't want to get involved with that. Break up, get over him, then date. 3
elaine567 Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 You are not really in a "relationship", you don't have a bf, you are in a once a week fwb situation. 1
Rockdad Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 Are you afraid of being alone or being without someone?
Hopeful30 Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 The thing is, if you're looking for a bf while in a relationship, you will attract men who feel that emotional unavailability or generally unavailable women are okay to be with. Is this really the kind of man you want to trade in for? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 26, 2019 Posted February 26, 2019 OP, understand that most guys are not going to take you seriously if you're trying to get a date with them while you have a boyfriend. You might find a couple one-nighters but that's about it. In short, you can look for a new boyfriend all you want but you aren't going to find a decent one until you lose the current one. 1
spiderowl Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 Surely it is better to break up with him, if this 'relationship' does not meet your needs, instead of waiting for an olive branch from elsewhere? He might not want the same as you but it is respectful to let him know you are planning to jump ship. He should not be surprised as he knows you want something different. He might well be surprised though. I think you need to be clear with him, if you continue dating him, that you are looking for a different kind of relationship and that you are both dating for company and not commitment of any kind. It sounds to me like you do not see anything wrong with looking for another security blanket before ditching him. I guess it's up to you.
Redhead14 Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 You don't owe him anything. The relationship isn't even "official". It's an FWB at best. Go out date lots of guys! Find out just how much more fulfilling a real relationship would be. How much more fun it is to be with someone who loves you and wants to spend time with you and go places,etc. Get out there. Time's a-wastin'.
S_A Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 (edited) He is 1000% right on the two of you not living together. I'd prob dump you in a heart beat if you ever wanted such a thing without being married... Even if you were a 10. Just being honest. With all that said, if you want marriage and kids, don't ever live with the guy first (at least that's my opinion). And if marriage and kids is something you want, then yeah, find a new BF. He's made it clear what he wants. He gets points for being straightforward with you. Edited February 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of starting post
kendahke Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 If you are done with how your boyfriend treats you, then break up with him. You haven't, so there's something you're getting out of being with him that is stronger than you getting on with your life--so you need to address that little thing. 1
stillafool Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 Why did you go back to this man when the other guy didn't work out instead of moving on to others? Why not stay single for a while until you find the right person? This guy doesn't care what you do because he doesn't really care about you. You know he's less than lukewarm about you yet you continue to stay with him. When you find your self esteem you will realize you can do better for yourself. 1
Hopeful30 Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 He is 1000% right on the two of you not living together. I'd prob dump you in a heart beat if you ever wanted such a thing without being married... Even if you were a 10. Just being honest. With all that said, if you want marriage and kids, don't ever live with the guy first (at least that's my opinion). And if marriage and kids is something you want, then yeah, find a new BF. He's made it clear what he wants. He gets points for being straightforward with you. This is HORRIBLE advice!!!!!!! God forbid you commit to someone that you can't even live with. I think we need to explore ALL aspects of a relationship before committing for a lifetime. What if you're incompatible to live together? Do you really want to force a commitment and make your children endure all these difficulties just because you didn't try living together first? I'm sorry but this is a big no for me. OP, if you want to live together first, then that is what you must do (in a regular relationship, not this one which is obvious there is no real future).
SophieG Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 This is HORRIBLE advice!!!!!!! God forbid you commit to someone that you can't even live with. I think we need to explore ALL aspects of a relationship before committing for a lifetime. What if you're incompatible to live together? Do you really want to force a commitment and make your children endure all these difficulties just because you didn't try living together first? I'm sorry but this is a big no for me. OP, if you want to live together first, then that is what you must do (in a regular relationship, not this one which is obvious there is no real future). I’m soooo with you on that one. I would never get engage to someone I’ve never lived with. Yeah spending 2-3 weeks together works fine, but you always have the option of going back home if something happens. Once you live with someone, you live with them all the time, day in day out. To me, it’s ridiculous that someone would consider marrying their partner without living with them. But that’s me.
Author ohoh Posted February 27, 2019 Author Posted February 27, 2019 Thanks everyone. I see that what I am doing is wrong, I know that. I can be alone. It's just much better for me when I am with someone. I don't know why we got back together. I dated other guys but no one was better than him. I was single then and still I met only emotionally unavailable guys. I had a history with this guy so I choose him again over someone who I didn't know much about and isn't offering me anything more than I already have had. Maybe I should wonder what is it about me that attracts only guys who don't want commitment. Or why can't I find a decent guy.
Highndry Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 Thanks everyone. I see that what I am doing is wrong, I know that. I can be alone. It's just much better for me when I am with someone. I don't know why we got back together. I dated other guys but no one was better than him. I was single then and still I met only emotionally unavailable guys. I had a history with this guy so I choose him again over someone who I didn't know much about and isn't offering me anything more than I already have had. Maybe I should wonder what is it about me that attracts only guys who don't want commitment. Or why can't I find a decent guy. Perhaps you're overinflating your own value. Women these days are delusional about who/what they deserve. They talk about a guy "checking all the boxes," etc., but most of them don't even look in the mirror. What are you offering this guy that he can't go find from any other woman? That's a good place to start. 2
kendahke Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 Thanks everyone. I see that what I am doing is wrong, I know that. I can be alone. It's just much better for me when I am with someone. It's not much better for you when the person you're with treats you like crap--it's just not worth it. Don't waste your youth behind someone who doesn't see enough value in you to come correctly from the start. I don't know why we got back together. I dated other guys but no one was better than him. I was single then and still I met only emotionally unavailable guys. I had a history with this guy so I choose him again over someone who I didn't know much about and isn't offering me anything more than I already have had. You got back together with him because you didn't want to be alone or to do the heavy lifting it would take to get "defragmented" and then wait on a better guy to come along--you were looking for a band-aid to stop a gaping wound bleeding out and this dude works for that purpose---except he's the one causing the injury to begin with. Maybe I should wonder what is it about me that attracts only guys who don't want commitment. Or why can't I find a decent guy. No, you should wonder what it is about you that leads you to accept crappy behavior and stay with the crappy behavior even though it's flaying you alive. This hasn't got anything to do with commitment phobes--this has to do with you thinking you don't deserve better treatment and you're too afraid to be by yourself until the better man comes along.
OnlyHonesty Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 What the OP described is done subconsciously by many women, and most of them consider themselves 100% loyal. I work with a girl that was trying to do the same thing, and it's one of the reasons why I will never take her seriously no matter how attracted I am to her. Either stay with the guy, or totally end it and get with a new one. Monkeybranching and vineswinging.....often end up with broken branches or vines that don't trust you.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 27, 2019 Posted February 27, 2019 Brake up. Get over him. Then date. Why would anyone looking for a serious relationship want to date someone whom is already in a relationship? You are definitely hurting your chances to find someone with similar relationship goals as yourself by this “arrangement”. A serious guy wouldn't even look twice in your direction having a FWB and looking for something serious. Heck if I was single, I wouldn't even entertain the thought of a guy in this situation. Better off to break it off w/this guy and start fresh.
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