Girlfriend left a letter on my bed after lots of issues.

[swilliams92]

I (26m) have been with my girlfriend (31f) for around 18 months. During this time we have argued and disagreed on a lot of things and I love her to bits but it's not working and it's killing me. Last week we went on a trip with a couple of friends, we had been good for a while and I was really looking forward to it, but on one of the first days when she was drunk she was extremely rude to me and horrible and even her friends said the way she spoke to me was disgusting. We didn't really talk for the rest of the holiday and all I got was an 'I'm sorry' message over whatsapp. We have since got back from the trip and just kind of co-existing next to each other. She then leaves this letter on our bed yesterday.

 

 

 

I will bullet point the issues we have had as concisely as possible, from the beginning of her relationship to now.

 

 

 

She has a preference for black guys (I am white) and has previously made comments about black guys having big dicks.

 

She led me to believe that she was a 'relationship girl' and we had a conversation early on in her relationship where she said she had only had 3 serious relationships and didn't do one night stands or sleep around. Since we have been together she has revealed a large number of guys that she has slept with, including someone who we both worked with. She had plenty of chances to tell me about this but didn't, she says she didn't find him attractive and it was just sex and didn't mean anything, and she also has said about giving someone oral sex for a dare when she was younger.

 

She revealed that she cheated on her first boyfriend (when she was age 17-20) regularly with 4 different guys.

 

She has a 'friend' who she has known for over 10 years and they have slept together regularly throughout the relationship. He got her pregnant a few months before I met her and he was supportive of her as she had an abortion. They continued to message as we were getting together but I grew extremely uncomfortable with it. She insisted that he was just a friend and nothing else. We argued again and again and she said she wasn't going to stop talking to a friend for the sake of me. Then eventually she did delete him. Then she had re-added him behind my back and they were best friends on Snapchat again. She went home for the summer (we are expats) and said she hadn't met him, only to later change her story to she saw him in a club. She used my phone for a while and I came across a message from him (September 2018) telling her that he loves her and a message from her saying 'sometimes I think I could be happily with you properly'. I don't believe that this message just come out of nowhere when they supposedly haven't spoken for such a long period of time.

 

We both received anonymous emails to our work email accounts suggesting that she had cheated on me and made several references to this guy.

 

She talks to me like **** regularly and many people have said it to me without me saying anything to prompt this. People we have known for a long time and are really good friends with, and people we just barely know so theres obviously something to it.

 

She has guys on snapchat that she says are 'gay' but I don't believe her and believe it's guys she has a history with and wants to keep around.

 

 

 

"I have decided to write down my feelings in the hope you can understand me a little better (and to avoid arguing).

 

So at the beginning of our relationship I was still not 100% over my ex and my operation. So I found it a bit hard. You were very full on and it scared me a bit. You spoke to me about how you could see my wall was still up and I explained how I was feeling and you said you understood that it may take time for my wall to be down.

 

Over the next few months you treated me like a princess, took me to beautiful places, told me how beautiful I was and couldn’t keep your hands off me. Yes, I called you ‘gay’ or ‘cheesy’ but that’s my sense of humour. It was during this time that my wall came down and I fell head over heels for you.

 

Then there was the you not being happy with me being friends with (Friend who is her type, she had slept with on and off for the past 10 years and she had an abortion of his child 5 months prior to me meeting her). We argued, I opined up and told you my secret (the abortion) and tried to explain but my whole issue was then that I am not going to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust me and my age for no reason. You promised me that you trust me and would let it drop. Looking back, we should have ended it then, you have never trusted me and your attitude towards me started to change.

 

Moving on to moving in together, you pretty much stopped making any effort and just because I didn’t want to have sex when I am getting ready to go out you don’t bother at all.

 

We had all the email harassment and I told you if you are going to let this affect us then end things, you didn’t want to se we agreed to ignore it and move on. Again probably should have ended it then because you just started to treat me worse and worse.

 

So we plodded on and then there was your boys night out, the things I was told and the messages I received absolutely broke me, more so because you don’t even flirt with me in that way. But I heard you out and because I love you and believe you made a mistake I forgave you. I was so embarrassed and looked a massive mug but I told myself I can fix this. I stopped having petty arguments, I was more close to you and I tried my best to get us back on track. But unfortunately, you do not reflect this, I was giving, giving, giving and getting nothing back.

 

And so I’ll skip to the past 3 months. I understand how stressed and down you are about jobs I really do, but I am here for you, not to be ignored by you. Your birthday I arranged a surprise for you and you were so rude, ungrateful and bratty about it and I felt like utter ****.

 

Then Singapore with my parents, you unnecessarily caused me stress and upset over it when all I wanted was to spend time with my family and boyfriend.

 

Since then I feel we are nothing. I have to be the one to give you hugs, kisses and sex, you don’t bother at all. I stopped asking for a kiss or trying foreplay with you to see if you would and nothing. I have never slept in bed with someone who doesn’t give me a kiss goodnight or a kiss goodbye in the morning or someone who would rather have a wank in the night than have sex with me!

 

I know and understand we are very different and have different views on a perfect relationship. I want a best friend who makes me laugh, tells me stories and turns me on. But you think it is all bout cheesy pics on social media and PDAs.

 

Even being two very different people with different views a relationship can still work.

 

But instead, I am with someone who barely speaks to me, never mind touch me.

 

Valentines I didn’t so much as get a kitkat from 711 off you. You never think about me at all and have become so selfish and self centred.

 

That is why when I get drunk I blow off because I am hurting so much and I am angry inside. I am not saying it is the right way to be and I am truly sorry for my behaviour but I rarely do it and you know me now and to take it with a pinch of salt.

 

So there it is, I hope you can now understand where things have gone wrong and I want you to know that I have never in my life felt so unloved, uncared for and unattractive in all my life and no matter what stresses people have in their lives, no one should have to feel how I do now, especially after everything I do for you and the care I show you.

 

Congrats, you beat all the rest because you really ****ing broke me."

 

 

 

So that's my current situation, we are living together. I am so heartbroken and confused and really don't know what to do for the best.

 

 

 

What are your thoughts on this? I love her still but I am so sick of hurting.

 

 

 

TLDR; I (26m) had an argument with girlfriend (30f) on holiday and we haven't really spoken in 10 days. She leaves a letter on my bed yesterday and I don't know what to make of it. Our relationship has had lot's of issues and I don't know what to do moving forward.

[The Dude Abides]

Buddy, I hate to say it, but this whole thing sounds like a train wreck. I know you say you love her, but do you like yourself enough to pull the plug on this for the sake of your sanity and emotional well-being?

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship does not work. You two are incompatible on a number of different levels.

 

She takes no accountability and blames you for everything.

 

I would end this once and for all. You two are awful together.

[d0nnivain]

Oh boy. If you think that disaster is love, you need to reeducate yourself. That sounds like torture.

 

You two tried & failed to make a relationship work. It's over. She can't take it any more. You are hurting. Just let it go. When she gets home tell her you agree & work out a plan to separate. You have some legal issues to deal with depending on whose name is on the lease & when that lease it up but seriously there is too much neglect, no trust & too many hurt feelings. Dating is about ascertaining if you are compatible. You are not.

 

Going forward at the 18 month mark that is when you start a conversation about possibly moving in together in the future. Here you are breaking up. When you slow down you increase the chances it will last.

[Blue_Cloud]

Definitely not going to work long term. Too much fighting. Very toxic. Trust issues in both sides, she has a type she likes. Once somebody has a type nothing else will replace that or make them settle. She seems that she might have emotional issues. I would say to walk away as hard as it might be. I think in the long run she’s going to just break it off anyways

[Gretchen12]

Her version is quite different from yours. If she comes on here and start a thread, people will be telling her to dump you because you're no good.

 

The common denominator here is to dump the other person. Break up is the result, doesn't matter who dumps whom. Doesn't matter who is right or wrong.

[smackie9]

That is why we date people....to see if the relationship will work for the long haul. There are so many issues with this..layer upon layer. You can't fix this. 18 months and it this bad? it's time to part ways.

[olivetree]

Interesting how your two sides of the story are nothing alike.

 

You said yourself it's not working.

It sounds like you should go your separate ways.

[spiderowl]

Neither of you are happy. She likes sex and physical contact; from what she says, you aren't interested in this. This kind of tension between you would then lead to all sorts of arguments and stresses.

 

She has given up on you. She made that clear. I don't know why you denied her physically - whether you were anxious about her previous relationships or worried that she might be cheating - but she sees that as the core of things.

 

She is not happy about the way you treat her. You are not happy about her 'dalliances' or whatever they are with others. I feel it is too late to do anything for this relationship other than give up on it.

[Redhead14]

You don't love her, you love who you wish she would be . . . Move on now. Don't waste any more time on this one. You can love someone and still not be right for one another.

[Versacehottie]

Yeah you guys just aren't right for each other. Too much now has happened and the way you think of each other is resentful and distrustful. I think you are absolutely at the point of no return.

 

She sounds like she feels really ignored, dismissed and that you are retaliating for things of the past and things that you cannot get passed (who she is in terms of the way she has dated before & how she has conducted her life and her remaining friendships).

 

By this i'm not saying you are entirely in the wrong. I think when someone feels so controlled or that they are walking on eggshells about certain issues (i.e. her friend of 10 years), they just tell you what you want to hear and go underground with their (continued) behavior. Without trust, you guys are broken.

 

on a side note: i get that you are trying to give us the whole picture but the note word for word is a bit much because if she ever stumbles upon her personal feelings being poured out and shared in this type of forum, i can't imagine she would be happy at all. Idk, maybe a summary would have done? Anyway, others may disagree with my opinion on this. I think though you should have tried to preserve some of her privacy. Just the fact that it was done, also kind of, if this makes sense, gave me a little insight into how different and not on the same pages you guys are. It doesn't look good for the long term but try to end things (well it seems like she has) but wrap it up with respect.

 

In the future, i think you should probably either refrain from trying to dig so much into future girlfriends past dating history. It seems like it just fuels your distrust issues and puts a judgmental spin on how you view the person you are dating. AND/OR date someone with much less dating history. You can't wish the past away. What she did is what she did, and you either accept her and enjoy the person in front of you as she is now or you decide some of her past decisions are of a character type that you either feel is going to pop up again and you don't want to take that chance or just not something you can get past. I think it's fair to want to that future girlfriends limit or don't have contact with ex's or FWB. Sounds reasonable. All the other stuff you said that was fueling you is the past and she can't change it, i.e. you are the one not being reasonable about that. Her opinion and various examples of how you are putting in very little effort and withholding affection, etc on her over a significant period of time, to me, sounds like real retaliation for the thoughts going on in your head about WHO she is. Not a productive way to deal with things at all. And will lose you your relationship. I don't think there is anything to fix. I think it's done. Sorry. Good luck

[TheFinalWord]

It sounds like she is making one final plea for you, but you are going to HAVE to get over this abortion and her past. If you can't, then you are wasting your time. I don't really know why she wants to keep talking to him afterwards, I would have a problem with that too, so I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. But it sounds like you either have to accept her past so you can salvage the relationship, or you will have to accept that it is beyond your ability to forgive and you should end things. Be glad you didn't get her pregnant or have kids with her, just imagine the mess. Plus you're 26. Why she wants a guy so much younger is besides me, except that it sounds like she is kind of a hoe. She rode the c**k carousel and is now reaping the negative consequences of her actions, such as complicating her future, acting like an alpha widow, and making herself emotionally unavailable.

 

IMHO you're way too young to be locked down with a woman with this much baggage IMHO. I always think trying to start something with a woman that is still holding onto a previous relationship, always goes wrong. Because when things don't work, they blame you for not being able to make them heal and forget their ex, when really that is their responsibility. That isn't the job of anyone but them. She also lied out of the gate, and that is a massive issue. She lied to you about something that she knew was important to you. It's one thing for her to tell you she has walls, but she lied about the extent of those walls. The amount of damage she has self-inflicted is beyond yours or anyone else's ability to fix.

 

It also doesn't sound like she is willing to take responsibility for anything. This is a major red flag for me because she has to know your actions that she abhors did not just come from no where. She contributed as well. If I were a betting man, I would say she cheated. She is adding a guy that she slept with right before you and continues to talk to behind your back. She has to know that's shady and now she is building a case for what a terrible guy you are, to help her justify why she cheated. A lot of her complaints are just digs with no productive value. Like telling you she likes black guys, when you are white and can't do anything about that, just sounds like something you say to hurt someone. It isn't productive to working out issues.

Edited February 27, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[kendahke]

I'm always amused by what people will put up with and tolerate just to not be alone...

 

I'd rather be by myself than with someone who brings this much trash into my life.