Aaliya_T Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 (edited) So am a Berber nigerian girl in her 20’s dating a British guy in his late 40’s and March is gonn make it a year we’ve been together. We both live in same city here in Nigeria and 20 minutes drive away from each other, met on a dating app but took bout 5months before i finally gave in to dating him. At first my mom wasn’t really cool with the age difference but seeing just how happy i was with him and how long it took me(2years) to move on from my past relationship to dating someone she gave her support. Fast forward to 3 months into our relationship he had to leave for the UK for a kidney surgery(mind you he has a couple health issues from his military days like a damaged spine/discs/ribs and blindness in one eye which is no big deal to me cause i love him genuinely)and while he was there he wasn’t really trynn talk to me,I would text him for updates and it would take days for him to reply back and sometimes he wouldn’t, I tried to understand him that he was going through a lot at that time but he just wasn’t helping out and when I would leave him be seeing he wasn’t texting back he would text me saying how disappointed he was in me for not caring and not showing enough concern bout his health,i would have no choice but to apologize cause i hate fighting with him,it got too much i couldn’t just deal so i just chilled and let him be.Fast forward to 2months later when he returned back but didn’t inform me he was back until he felt like it and sent me the most awkward text to come pick up things he got me from the uk,at first i didn’t want to cause I knew seeing him again was gonn bring back past feels but i still went over and he kinda apologized and told me he was sorry for the past months, he knows he’s not been good to me cause at first he really wasn’t in love with me but was just attracted to me but truth is he only got to realize how much he loves me while he was in the UK and really wann make it up to me and stupid me forgave him cause i really loved him and saw how honest/genuine he was. Fast forward to 2months later(October),he asked me to accompany to a function with his friends and that was surprising cause for the few months we had been together never did he introduce me to any of his friends and never did we go out together like most couples do and i never complained cause i felt he had his reasons and he’s an expatriate so maybe he was just being careful and i also didn’t want to put him at risk,same month he introduced me to his brothers(they came over to Nigeria to meet me) and same month he started including me in all of his plans(moved to a bigger apartment and mentioned having a baby and settling down), he asked for a formal introduction to my mom and all of that and honestly those were all i really wanted from our relationship..he was more open bout his prev marriage and his daughter and even got more comfortable talking to me about her and just how lovely it would be to have us all live together as a family,we got closer and became more than just lovers until he returned to the uk for a checkup during December and returned back January this year and things went to how it was when we got started newly,I’d have to call and start a conversation,I’d have to ask to see him and all...if I wann cook for him,he’d ask me not to,if I wann help him out with chores,he wouldn’t let me, if his child’s mother be stressing him out and not letting him see his daughter,he goes off on me and wouldn’t talk to me,I could be at his place for a week and he would be comfortable not talking to me all week-I would have to apologize to him for him to get to talk to me and just last week Tuesday he stopped talking to me(no text even though i see him online on WhatsApp and no calls either),its been 6days already and am still waiting to see if he’s gonn call or text but a part of me is saying he ain’t unless i call to apologize for God knows what... I really don’t know what to do,I love this man and wann be with him but he just ain’t acting right,am sooooo hurt i swear i really am ...I don’t know why he’s acting this way,I don’t know if i ain’t doing something right....he says he loves me and never wann lose me but he ain’t acting it, I’ve lost too many people already and don’t wann lose him cause I really don’t know how am gonn move on,my heart and mind ain’t the strongest.. I lost my dad at age 2,the woman I grew up calling mom at 5,my best friend last year November and i don’t want anyone else leaving my life...I just want to know what i can do or should do cause i really don’t know.... Edited February 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs, please use them!!
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 If he's not treating you well, there is no point in sticking around like some kind of doormat letting him walk all over you. I know you fear losing him but seriously being alone is better then being in a bad relationship. Talk to him. Ask him what is going on with him, what he's feeling & how he thinks you two can strengthen / improve your relationship. Then really listen. If he says nothing is wrong, tell him how you were feeling. If he gives unreasonable suggestions on improving, think that through. If he gives valid suggestions, take those to heart. We can't tell you what he's feeling or thinking. Only he can do that. Also talk to your mother & get her insight. She can offer you perspective we can't
Mrs._December Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 I lost my dad at age 2..... I figured something like this must have happened when I read about the age difference. You're looking for a daddy, wasting your time on someone old enough to BE your father. He's twice your age and a psychological train-wreck to say nothing of being a physical train-wreck, as well. You're wasting your time. I suspect he's not as single as you think he is. Look, you're a young lady in your 20's. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't you want marriage and children? You're not going to get that from this guy. He's a mess. A life lesson you're probably going to learn the hard way is that you CAN'T fix him. All the love you give him in the world will NOT fix him. If you're smart, you'll move to a healthier life without him. 2
Guildford Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 Aaliya - I appears that your boyfriend is experiencing culture conflict. Has he made any disparaging remarks about the Berber culture? Have you met his daughter and do you know how she feels about your relationship with her father? It is good that your boyfriend has introduced you to his friends. Any intercultural relationship is difficult to develop and it will take compromise by both of you. Talk to your boyfriend about his concerns and yours and good luck.
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 He had more than physical scars and injuries from his military days...he most likely suffers from PTSD. That's probably why he lacks coping skills, and has fits of anger and has uncaring behaviors. As he gets older, it will only get worse. In a bout 10 years you will be spending a lot of time nursing him and not be able to do anything, because those injuries will increase his health issues. Do you really want to be raising children and have the burden of taking care of him on top of everything? Sorry but you are a young and vital lady. You have so much you can do with your life. If you stay with him, you will eventually feel so restricted and that's such a waste.
Author Aaliya_T Posted February 25, 2019 Author Posted February 25, 2019 Aaliya - I appears that your boyfriend is experiencing culture conflict. Has he made any disparaging remarks about the Berber culture? Have you met his daughter and do you know how she feels about your relationship with her father? It is good that your boyfriend has introduced you to his friends. Any intercultural relationship is difficult to develop and it will take compromise by both of you. Talk to your boyfriend about his concerns and yours and good luck. I doubt it’s any of those,his father is mixed British nigerian and his mother is Spanish and he’s been living here for 10 years now,his ex wife is a full nigerian and they were married for 4years.And he’s so accepting of our culture,learnt and speaks 3 different ethnic languages and he very much behaves more of a Nigerian. And about his daughter,she’s gonn be 4 by April and i only got to meet her once,but thanks anyway i guess i just got to try speaking to him but don’t really know if he’s gonn want that.
Author Aaliya_T Posted February 25, 2019 Author Posted February 25, 2019 I figured something like this must have happened when I read about the age difference. You're looking for a daddy, wasting your time on someone old enough to BE your father. He's twice your age and a psychological train-wreck to say nothing of being a physical train-wreck, as well. You're wasting your time. I suspect he's not as single as you think he is. Look, you're a young lady in your 20's. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't you want marriage and children? You're not going to get that from this guy. He's a mess. A life lesson you're probably going to learn the hard way is that you CAN'T fix him. All the love you give him in the world will NOT fix him. If you're smart, you'll move to a healthier life without him. I never really considered the age as an issue cause to me it really ain’t nothing and I definitely ain’t looking for a fatherly figure or got daddy issues,I love him not his age or how that would make me feel and all I really just want is to be loved and treated right like I would too but thanks also for the advice,i do appreciate it
Author Aaliya_T Posted February 25, 2019 Author Posted February 25, 2019 He had more than physical scars and injuries from his military days...he most likely suffers from PTSD. That's probably why he lacks coping skills, and has fits of anger and has uncaring behaviors. As he gets older, it will only get worse. In a bout 10 years you will be spending a lot of time nursing him and not be able to do anything, because those injuries will increase his health issues. Do you really want to be raising children and have the burden of taking care of him on top of everything? Sorry but you are a young and vital lady. You have so much you can do with your life. If you stay with him, you will eventually feel so restricted and that's such a waste. I honestly have considered all of that,but I just don’t know why i feel like it really doesn’t matter!,I know it’s stupid cause am pretty young and just not being logical but i really love him that i don’t care if he ends up in a wheelchair in a couple years from now but as long as we stay in love we gonn be able to handle anything.... Please don’t judge me but as much as i know i ain’t 100%happy with him and he really ain’t treating me how i wish he would,I just don’t know how to stop myself from loving him or how to make me stop thinking bout him or moving on...I swear!
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 You deny it but I saw a lot of daddy issues in here too. You kept saying you don't want to lose him when logic dictates you break up. Your fear of losing him is most likely tied to your father because you lost him at 2. You also mention losing other people. Again that creates some kind of attachment disorder. It's not terrible but it is reality.
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