youngconfusedme Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 So I previously wrote how I had a phyiscal encounter with another man, he was a spice to my dull life. Well, then I came to my senses realized I had a great husband and didn't want to ruin things, which is still true. I wanted the flirting to stop, and it has. So, why do I want him, I want it all back, I miss my OM. But, I shouldn't and I know that my OM probably doesn't want me anymore, so why do I still want him. Will it be this way forever or will I get over it anyone else been in my shoes?
Mz. Pixie Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 I've been in your shoes. It will get better with time. What you're missing is the high that you got from the attention and the contact with him. All I can do is advise you to go a hour at a time not contacting him. Then a day at a time not contacting him. It makes it easier if your breakup is mutual like mine was. We both decided not to see each other anymore and that made it easier. You're in what they call a fog right now, trust me, you're not thinking clearly. It takes a couple of months after the ending of an affair for rational thought and behavior to return. Hang in there, it will get better.
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 You got addicted to the rush, intensity of the OM. The newness of a sexual relationship, the courting etc... It's not worth it! Find out what's missing from your marriage and focus that energy into fixing things at home and go to marriage counselling.
tablesalt Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 I'd say contrary to what you say you can't love your husband the way you say you do. 1.)You state your husbands a great man so that you just stop well he was still this great man when you started yet you still did it. 2.)once a cheat always a cheater. Just my opinon!
CarmenIbanez Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 You can get it all back with your husband. Contrary to what most people say, you can accept that you made a mistake and decide not to make those mistakes again. You can decide to be in love with your husband and make it happen. You can make one mistake and never make another one again. All this can happen. Confession is not always good for the soul. If you've decided not to repeat your mistake, then it isn't fair to burden your husband with the truth. It will only hurt him.
TMCM Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 You can get it all back with your husband. Contrary to what most people say, you can accept that you made a mistake and decide not to make those mistakes again. You can decide to be in love with your husband and make it happen. You can make one mistake and never make another one again. All this can happen. Agreed BUT assuming for a minute that the affair was not a sign of individual issues but of marital ones, then it will take the effort of BOTH spouses to fall in love with one another, again. If the OP [other person] was meeting the important EN [emotional needs] of the US and if the BS remains ignorant of those EN, then the marriage will continue in the same way it was prior to the affair. For a married couple, an affair could be THE wakeup call that the marriage MAY have been in trouble long before the affair made its presence in the marriage and THE opportunity to rebuild it into a much happier/healthier one than the previous one for BOTH spouses. This will NEVER happen if the affair is kept a secret. Furthermore, there will always exist a wall of secrecy separating both spouses and a fear by the US that one day the truth will come out. Confession is not always good for the soul. If you've decided not to repeat your mistake, then it isn't fair to burden your husband with the truth. It will only hurt him. The only valid reason not to tell a spouse the truth about an affair is if the BS [betrayed spouse] mental/emotional state is very shaky and prone to physical violence otherwise the withholding of the truth about the affair by the US [unfaithful spouse] is just a continuation of the pattern of secrecy that was responsible for his/her affair. The US should ask him/herself whether withholding the truth about the affair is not so much about 'burdening' his/her BS but of fear of his/her BS choosing to end the marriage. He/she should also realize that the same marital environment that made the affair possible will still be in place making the possibility for another affair a very real and likely one. Kind of a sad way to be married, isn't it? TMCM
CHAZ87 Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 Agreed BUT assuming for a minute that the affair was not a sign of individual issues but of marital ones, then it will take the effort of BOTH spouses to fall in love with one another, again. If the OP [other person] was meeting the important EN [emotional needs] of the US and if the BS remains ignorant of those EN, then the marriage will continue in the same way it was prior to the affair. For a married couple, an affair could be THE wakeup call that the marriage MAY have been in trouble long before the affair made its presence in the marriage and THE opportunity to rebuild it into a much happier/healthier one than the previous one for BOTH spouses. This will NEVER happen if the affair is kept a secret. Furthermore, there will always exist a wall of secrecy separating both spouses and a fear by the US that one day the truth will come out. The only valid reason not to tell a spouse the truth about an affair is if the BS [betrayed spouse] mental/emotional state is very shaky and prone to physical violence otherwise the withholding of the truth about the affair by the US [unfaithful spouse] is just a continuation of the pattern of secrecy that was responsible for his/her affair. The US should ask him/herself whether withholding the truth about the affair is not so much about 'burdening' his/her BS but of fear of his/her BS choosing to end the marriage. He/she should also realize that the same marital environment that made the affair possible will still be in place making the possibility for another affair a very real and likely one. Kind of a sad way to be married, isn't it? TMCM I need my SO to read this. Why is it anytime I see that TMCM posts, I instantly read it. Wow.
Author youngconfusedme Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 I feel that the reason I was with the OM was my personal issues not maritial ones. I see a lot of my situation in the movie "Unfaithful" there was nothing wrong they had the perfect life, I have it all and yet I had the affair because I could, it was with an exotic forgiener. I know that he fed me BS and yet I ate it up willingly. I know he is lying to get me why do I still believe and still want it? This is why I feel that my husband does not need to know b/c unless he can become a cinnamon skinned spainish speaking latin lover he is not going to fill the spot that my OM filled. There is nothing really broken in the marriage to fix. Besides me being a spoiled brat. It's like I look at myself from outside and I know everything is wrong about what I am wanting but I can't stop myself from wanting it. My affair is not emotional at all, it is purely physical and my addiction to that feeling of excitment.
TMCM Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 There is nothing really broken in the marriage to fix. Of course there is, and it is you. I don't say this to be mean but because if a marriage is a committed and exclusive union of two people and if one of them has serious personal issues [i.e. mental sickeness, addictions, etc.] then there is definitely something wrong with the marriage. The fact that one is married does not mean that one stops being attracted to other members of the opposite other than one's spouse. There is nothing wrong with that except when you purposely nurture the attraction in secrecy by allowing that OP [other person] to feed it while hiding it from your spouse. It is understandable that you fear telling your H about your one encounter with the OM for fear that he might leave you or that it might poison your relationship with him forever. But realize that fear is usually a temporary emotion and once you realize that there were no consequences to pay for your actions, then the chances are good that you will again restart your affair with the same OM [or with another 'cinnamon skinned spanish speaking latin lover']. The first time a spouse is unfaithful is usually the hardest but it gets easier the second, third, fourth times until it becomes an integral part of his/her life. I hope that you seriously consider going to IC [individual counseling] to address and resolve your personal issues before they end up destroying your life and marriage. TMCM
sylviaguardian Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I feel that the reason I was with the OM was my personal issues not maritial ones. I see a lot of my situation in the movie "Unfaithful" there was nothing wrong they had the perfect life, I have it all and yet I had the affair because I could, it was with an exotic forgiener. I know that he fed me BS and yet I ate it up willingly. I know he is lying to get me why do I still believe and still want it? This is why I feel that my husband does not need to know b/c unless he can become a cinnamon skinned spainish speaking latin lover he is not going to fill the spot that my OM filled. There is nothing really broken in the marriage to fix. Besides me being a spoiled brat. It's like I look at myself from outside and I know everything is wrong about what I am wanting but I can't stop myself from wanting it. My affair is not emotional at all, it is purely physical and my addiction to that feeling of excitment. If this is the case, then you need to address what it is that is missing in you that craves this chemical high. I would also recommend that you see a counsellor.
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