Carlotte Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 (edited) Hello, I am 26 girl but never been in long term relationship, I was seeing some people but I was always looking for someone special. Lately I met a guy on Tinder and we clicked right away, he was caring and a bit awkward, he said he is not experienced with women. I never liked any guy that much before. We saw each other few times, had great talks and chemistry, however I've noticed some red flags and I don't know what to do. When I was travelling he checked my location on Tinder (he told me that), he checked online where exactly I work, he was asked me once where I do shopping, go to the gym, where I live etc. He is asking a lot of questions and he remember all the details about me. When I don't want to tell him something I can tell he is unhappy about it. He was texting me a lot but stopped when I told him it's too much for me. He was asking me a lot about my opinion, what I want to do, if he can do something etc, but sometimes he pushes for some stuff (not physical, he is very respectful), e.g. he wants to go somewhere and I don't. In the end we ae doing what I want. He said he's going to be honest and he told me for him feelings and urge to control tend to be mixed but is not controlling to people who he trusts. However, he is a type of person who loves to organize and to be a leader so I think it's the way he is in general. I have firm boundaries and I am very independent person so I will not let him control me. I am afraid he may be abusive/narcisstic. I am wondering if it makes sense to tell him what bothers me or it does not make sense at all to even talk to him. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
ExpatInItaly Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 he told me for him feelings and urge to control tend to be mixed but is not controlling to people who he trusts. However, he is a type of person who loves to organize and to be a leader so I think it's the way he is in general. To me, this is a red flag. We don't get to control anyone in life, whether we trust them or not. It sounds to me like he's indirectly warning you that you will need to jump through hoops to gain his trust and only then will he drop the controlling attitude. In my personal experience? That's not what actually happens. The urge to control you will only increase as you two get closer and you'll probably find yourself always needing to jump a little higher to "prove" your trustworthiness to him. The above, combined with you saying you needed him to lay off the contact and insistence on doing things with you, tells me he's a pushy person. Do what you will with that information, but I would personally explore other options. 1
Turning point Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 (edited) If you like this guy then at best you should take things very slowly and see if he has an ability to grow. Leave enough to space to determine if he is actually listening and moderating his behavior on his own. He should be able to figure out by himself when he's making you uncomfortable and if he can't or won't then his controlling tendencies may be more than simply immaturity and inexperience. There is also the great Maya Angelou quote: "When someone shows you who they are - believe them the first time." Edited February 24, 2019 by Turning point 2
Author Carlotte Posted February 24, 2019 Author Posted February 24, 2019 (edited) <snip>There is also the great Maya Angelou quote: "When someone shows you who they are - believe them the first time." I definately agree. In the past I was always letting go and sometimes I regret that I didn't have any honest discussions with guys I was seeing. The only reason I am thinking if it makes sense to continue is that when I told him to take it easy with texting he told me "he starts to understand some things and he will let me take the control" and also that he wants me to tell him things so he can improve. However, I don't know if that's true.. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
ExpatInItaly Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 (edited) <snip>when I told him to take it easy with texting he told me "he starts to understand some things and he will let me take the control" and also that he wants me to tell him things so he can improve. However, I don't know if that's true.. How frequently was this guy texting you? Control is a thing for him. He referenced it in you asking him to cool it, rather than simply apologizing and letting you reach out. In his mind, it seems someone needs to have "control" in a relationship, rather than both parties sharing the driver's seat. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1
Author Carlotte Posted February 24, 2019 Author Posted February 24, 2019 (edited) From the start we were texting every day. At some point he started to write few times a day and it was bothering me. He did not say control actually, he said it's fine if I will take initiative and dictate the pace. However, I agree it probably is his thing. He told me once his father didn't let him to study something what he wanted to study - so he must be controlling for sure and that is something he saw at his home. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post
TheFinalWord Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 (edited) Too many people throw around the word narcissistic. He's just into you and going too fast. Typical beta male behavior. Try to figure out a way to lock a woman down before she moves onto another man. In today's "swipe left" dating reality, men panic when they've landed someone they like and operate from a scarcity mindset and rush things. But in this case, what makes me think you are over analyzing is you originally said he said "control" and then you redacted that and said he is letting you set the pace. If you don't like him, then just let him go. If you were into him, his asking you about your life and remembering details (e.g. he is actually listening to you) would be thoughtful and cute "he really likes me" but since he is turning you off by caving in, like letting you control the pace, deciding where you two go, you are losing respect and now he is a controlling narcissist. Only about 5% of the total population is narcissistic. Which is the more likely explanation, you are talking to a narcissist, or you have lost interest and are interpreting his actions as abusive. Edited February 24, 2019 by TheFinalWord 1
Gretchen12 Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 You are the one labeling him as controlling. And you see yourself as independent. In a relationship you cannot be completely independent. At some point you have to let someone have "control" but not in a bad way. Actually the people most in fear of losing control to someone else, are the most controlling themselves. It just comes out in different ways. There should be give and take, compromise. He probably sees you as emotionally unavailable and secretive. You don't share as much info about yourself as he is used to in a relationship. You are independent. But are you too independent to be in a relationship? Relationships are hard because you need to find the right balance.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 From the start we were texting every day. At some point he started to write few times a day and it was bothering me. He did not say control actually, he said it's fine if I will take initiative and dictate the pace. However, I agree it probably is his thing. He told me once his father didn't let him to study something what he wanted to study - so he must be controlling for sure and that is something he saw at his home. I dated a controlling guy less then a month and that was kinda scary actually. These controlling people are manipulator's. They convince you that you are in control which is never the case. Stay far away, no matter how charming he is. I talked to the controlling guy I was dating many times about how uncomfortable his actions were making me. He promised to change only to accuse me of cheating the next day. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 I don't see controlling. I see somebody who is used to being in charge. Him looking up your location on Tinder is a problem. I'd turn Tinder off for that reason. I don't like electronic spying at that would be a problem if he said something like you told me you were going to Suzy's house but the locator app said you were at the grocery store. I'm a control freak in the sense that I'm usually the one making the plans. I see interest in his questions, not control. You need to ask him what control means to him. If it means he gets to pick the restaurant or the movie on your dates, OK, I could work with that. If it means he's gonna go all Big Brother on you & monitor your whereabouts, hell no. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 If he hits your boundaries then state your boundary If he doesn't respond favorably kick him to the curb
Redhead14 Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 However, he is a type of person who loves to organize and to be a leader so I think it's the way he is in general. That's fine if he is looking for an employee or recruiting soldiers . . . 1
Author Carlotte Posted February 25, 2019 Author Posted February 25, 2019 I don't see controlling. I see somebody who is used to being in charge. Him looking up your location on Tinder is a problem. I'd turn Tinder off for that reason. I don't like electronic spying at that would be a problem if he said something like you told me you were going to Suzy's house but the locator app said you were at the grocery store. I'm a control freak in the sense that I'm usually the one making the plans. I see interest in his questions, not control. You need to ask him what control means to him. If it means he gets to pick the restaurant or the movie on your dates, OK, I could work with that. If it means he's gonna go all Big Brother on you & monitor your whereabouts, hell no. I unmached him as soon as he told me he checked it (I was travelling and he asked me if I changed in specific city, becasue he "figured it out based on the distance...". At the time I was naive and thiking he want to impress me (he was saying in the past he's good with maps etc.). That and also checking the address of my workplace are the biggest redflags for me.
Author Carlotte Posted February 25, 2019 Author Posted February 25, 2019 weirdo....kick to curb. That's what I was thinking as well.
Noproblem Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 Yeah, just leave him before you will be trapped in an abusive relationship. Even now, it might be too late, he knows too much about you, but still, you can run away before he gets too involved. Just end it nice and sweet!
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