I catfished a girl for years, how do I make it right?

[Pillowhead]

So, warning, this is long. I put in a lot of details and just spilled my guts, as I haven't talked about this to anyone in my life. If you want to skip it, scroll to the last paragraph for a TL;DR.

 

It started almost a decade ago, I was in my mid-twenties. I was at a pretty miserable time in my life. When I hit my teens I developed all sorts of mental health problems. OCD, panic attacks (Which lead to a bout of agoraphobia), and even a bizarre fear of sleep, which continues to badly affect my life. Over time, as all these things progressed, they began to destroy my life. Despite being an A-student, I dropped out of high school. I couldn't hold down a job. My one serious girlfriend, we dated from the ages of 15 to 17, broke up with me because I found it hard to leave the house or mingle with her friends. Who could blame her?

 

I had tried to get better. Anti-depressants, solo therapy, group therapy. Nothing really worked, and over time I guess I just started to give up on myself, as did the people around me. Eventually, I stopped trying, and just started to let my disorders rule my life, I let them win. And that's how I found myself alone, in my mid-20s, still living with my parents, nothing going on in my life. No job, no friends, nothing. I got pretty good at being alone, but I'd still get lonely from time to time, so I did what a lot of people do, I went online.

 

I found a dating/hook up site with a chat room and made an account. Not only was I not looking to actually meet someone, I wasn't even looking for anything sexual. As sad as it sounds, I just wanted to talk to people, bull****, tell some jokes and make people laugh, light flirting. The normal **** I couldn't do anymore.

 

I never planned on making a connection or anything long term, so I decided to lie about parts of me. I was ashamed of my life, that I was in my mid-20s, had accomplished nothing, had overcome nothing. I wanted to talk to people without that baggage, so I lied about it. Not about everything, just the parts of my life I was embarrassed by. I shaved a couple years off my age, I gave a fake name, I didn't mention I was living at home, and rather than use real photos of my mediocre looking ass, I grabbed a few pictures from a random OK Cupid account and passed them off as my own.

 

I didn't even know the term "catfishing" then. I didn't have any plans when I did what I did. I just wanted to talk and I didn't want to be me. I told myself it was ok to lie because I was just passing time, I was never really going to get to know people, no one was going to get hurt. All of this, lying in the first place? That was my first major mistake.

 

So for a few days I chatted with people. I can be reasonably funny and entertaining and so I was fairly well liked. Girls flirted with me, sent me private messages. The thing is, I ignored that stuff, I didn't want it, I wasn't capable of acting on it. What I quickly realized is that on those dating/relationship sites, people aren't looking for conversations, they're looking for hook ups. It was a lot of dudes making desperate attempts to hit on women and a lot of people talking in incomplete sentences. I was bored, but I don't blame those people for doing what they were doing. They were lonely and looking to meet people, my weird pathetic ass was just the lonely part.

 

Then, just when I was about to stop visiting the site, I noticed one girl. She was clever, had a cutting sense of humor, and actually wrote sentences with more substance than "Ure hot, a/s/l". We joked around in the chat room and I soon found myself visiting it multiple times a day just to see if she was there. Others in the room indicated it seemed like she was doing the same thing. She was bored by the site too and annoyed by guys constantly hitting on her in really gross lazy ways, so she PMed me to tell me she wasn't going to be on the site anymore but she wanted to stay in touch with me.

 

We talked for hours in private that day. Then the next, and the next, and the day after that. About everything and nothing. I learned that she had her own problems. She had a dysfunctional family, like mine. She still lived at home. She was crippled by student debt. She also had just seen the end of her first serious relationship, a guy who sounded borderline mentally abusive and who was now exhibiting some stalker-ish behavior post break up.

 

We talked every day, sometimes from when we woke up until when we went to sleep, and it still didn't feel like enough. We were falling in love, and I didn't know what the **** to do. I felt bad about my lies, but I was worried if I came clean that she'd be pissed and leave my life. I liked talking to her, I liked making her laugh, I liked not being alone on some level. Selfishly, I didn't want to risk that. So I kept up my existing lies and added some more to cover up the parts of my life that embarrassed me. The funny thing was I usually tried to keep my lies "reasonable", and what I mean by that is I made up a better life than the one I had, but not one that was incredible. Instead of living with my parents at home, I told her I was barely scraping by with a roommate. Instead of being unemployed, I was a mid-level cook at a fairly nice restaurant, racked with credit card debt (Well, that last part was true).

 

I also told her a lot of truths. About things in my life and feelings I had that I had never told anybody. And she did the same. I told her about my mental problems, even while I hid what they had done to my life. There wasn't a day that went by where we didn't talk for a few hours, and we just kept getting closer and closer.

 

Eventually, we both began openly saying that we loved each other. She started bringing up the idea of one day meeting each other more and more frequently. I always told her we couldn't. I made up a bull**** excuse that my past traumatic relationship had given me a massive fear of commitment. I told her I would never be able to meet her and even though I loved her, she needed to give up and try to find someone who could actually be with her.

 

She wouldn't give up on me though, or the idea of us meeting and being together. She begged me to go to therapy, told me I could get better, told me not to quit on us. But I knew the truth, and I knew how serious things were getting, and I didn't want it getting more out of hand, I didn't want to hurt her more. So a year or two into us knowing each other, I waited for a time when her life wasn't in a bad place but also wasn't in a great place (I didn't want to ruin a good time for her) and told her I felt like I couldn't tie her up anymore and had to quit talking. It broke my heart to do it but it broke her's even more. She cried, I cried. She begged me not to stop talking to her, literally pleaded. I can still remember her sobs, how she sounded on the phone, and it haunts me, years later. I am racked with guilt over how much pain I caused, and how I put this strong, smart, beautiful woman in that position.

 

But after hours of talking, I said goodbye. I was a wreck afterward. Walking into walls, not eating, overcome with sadness. I don't remember who initiated it, but after a couple weeks we started to text each other again, and soon we were back talking daily again.

 

By this point you're probably wondering "If this girl is so smart, why didn't she ever suspect you were catfishing?". Well, she did. A few times she asked me if I was doing that to her, and each time I lied and said I wasn't. After we stopped talking for those couple weeks she stopped trying to force the meet up thing as much for a time. We never talked about it but my guess is that she always knew me lying was a possibility, but the relationship meant too much for her to really force the issue. Just like I was scared of her not being part of my life, I think she was scared I'd stop being part of hers, and for a time, we settled for part of each other.

 

I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but I desperately missed her, and she desperately missed me. We couldn't let each other go. I no longer knew what the end game was. I was still terrified of telling her the truth and hurting her/losing her. I began to rationalize things to myself to try and ease my guilt. After all, hadn't I always told her we could never be together? Hadn't I encouraged her to start dating?

 

I had also set up a rule for myself, from the beginning, that I would never "take" from her. I felt so guilty that I felt like it was the least that I could do. I sent her a little money once during a difficult time in her life (She never asked, I offered). I sent her a few gifts, but never let her return the favor. Part of that was I didn't want her to know my home address (She had half-jokingly threatened multiple times that she was going to get a plane ticket to my city and find me), but she also offered to send me things that I could've accepted and I refused those too. I swear to God, one time we actually got into a somewhat heated discussion because I wouldn't let her paypal me a few dollars so I could buy a burrito.

 

I told myself as the time that I was being noble, but I feel like even this is a ****ty thing to do. How bad would you feel if you loved someone and they sent you stuff and you were never allowed to send anything back? To make something that one sided? And it sure as hell doesn't justify why I was doing. I didn't take her money, take her gifts, but I took her trust, I took her love, I took her time, and those are worth a hell of a lot more than a ****ing burrito.

 

I also never asked for other things. Even though she was willing to video call, I never asked her to, because I felt guilty that I couldn't return the favor. I never asked her for pictures, even though I loved seeing her, because again, I couldn't return the favor. When the relationship turned sexual, with us taking about fantasies, sexting, having phone sex, it was her that always initiated it, and I made her have frequent discussions about if it was appropriate, given the weird state of our relationship. But I still engaged in it nonetheless.

 

So for years it went on like that. Talking daily, sharing our lives, the ups and the downs. We were there for each other during our worst times. When her ex-boyfriend's stalking turned particularly scary, we stayed up for an entire night talking about what to do. When my Dad died of cancer, she was there for me, she was the first call I made, the only person I wanted to be with during that time.

 

But in the last few years things started to shift. We both entered our 30s and she slowly started despairing more and more about her life, about not having simple things like a partner she could actually physically spend time with. Yet she loved me so much and didn't want to give up on me. There were other things in her life that also contributed a lot to her depression, completely unrelated to me, but I couldn't have been a help. In recent months she started shutting down more, being less communicative, talking less. On one night after a major argument with her family, I had to talk her down from a suicidal state.

 

Finally a few months ago she just asked me one final time if I was ever going to be with her. I told her what I always did, which is I wanted to but I couldn't. She said ok, that she was going to have to try to start dating then. She was finally doing what I told her to do for years, she was giving up on me, she was trying to move on. Inside, I was heartbroken, but I knew it was for the best.

 

She told me though that she didn't want to stop talking, and that I'd always have a place in her life. That I had been there for her during the worst times in her life and she'd never forget that. But it was still hard to talk. Sometimes I'd send messages and she wouldn't return them for days, and when she did she wouldn't be able to hold much of a conversation.

 

Finally a few days ago we talked for a bit and laughed a little and then she told me that she had been talking to a guy and she thought he might be worthwhile. She said she wanted to wait until she thought it could be something before telling me, and stressed again that she wanted me to always have a place in her life, even if she didn't know exactly at this point how it would work out. Again, I tried to be supportive of her, happy for her.

 

But I'm devastated. I've never felt like this. I'm choked with grief. The idea that I'm not holding that special place in her life anymore kills me. I miss talking to her every day. Imagining her being with someone else is like be stabbed in my heart.

 

And I deserve it. I deserve everything I get. What I don't deserve is your sympathy. If there's a lesson for people here, it's for the love of God, when you're online do not lie about your life, even if you're ashamed by it, even if in your mind you're just "goofing around". Because if something ever does grow out of a lie, you're going to be in the same position I was in. The longer the lie goes on, the bigger it becomes, the more of a betrayal it seems, the harder it is to come clean, and at the same time, as this lie is getting bigger and more powerful, you're falling more in love. Don't start with a lie, and if you do, pull off the bandaid as quickly as possible. If I had just told the truth after a week? A month? Maybe she accepts it, maybe I'm with her now. Maybe we're happy.

 

But that's not the case. My karma is I fell head over heels in love with a woman that was perfect to me and now I have to live knowing she's going to be happy with somebody else. My life is over. I'm in my mid-30s and am in the same spot I was almost a decade ago. Still ruled by my mental illnesses. Still living at home. Still nothing going for me. But with ten years of time added so I'm not even young or moderately attractive anymore. I've dug too deep a hole to ever dig out of. I should've tried hard in the last ten years to get better, and while I did make some feeble attempts to get better or to improve my life in that time, I got nothing done. I'm weak, and was too satisfied with a slight temporary happiness.

 

Like I said earlier, I don't deserve your sympathy. But I would appreciate some advice. All I can now is to do right by this girl. I love her with all my heart and I owe her that much. I need to do whatever is in her best interests. My problem is I don't know what that is. I can't trust myself on this subject. She keeps saying she doesn't want me to leave her life, but is she just letting me down gently? Should I just disappear from her life? Should I keep up the lie and try to be a good friend on the margins of her life? She I just tell her the truth? Would you even want to know the truth if you were in her position?

 

Ironically, I'm now almost more ashamed of the lies I made than I am of the pitiful life I made the lies to cover up. I don't know if I could tell the truth even if that's the right thing. And if I did now, what does that say of me? Would I only be fessing up now because she's trying to move on? How is that fair? If I did that, would it only be out of jealousy? A feeble attempt to stay in her life? Or is it because it's the right thing? I don't know because I'm too close to this, I'm full of too any emotions, like I said, I can't trust myself on this subject. And hell, even if she did appreciate the truth, she deserves a better man than the person I am. Someone with more money, with more mental stability, more attractive. I know some of those things aren't the most important things, but she deserves the best of everything, more than I could ever offer.

 

I've never felt pain like this before and it's all my fault. What can I do to make any of it right?

 

TL;DR: In my mid 20s a bunch of panic disorders kept me from really doing anything with my life. I dicked around in a chat room just for some company with a fake profile, not planning on making any serious connection. I unexpectedly met a girl there and we hit it off and fell in love talking online. I felt like I couldn't tell her the truth for fear of losing her/hurting her, but at the same time I told her we could never be together and she needed to move on. After all these years she finally is and I'm devastated and ashamed of myself. She says she wants me to still be part of her life, but I have no idea if she means it, or what that would entail, or if it would even be healthy for us to consider that. Should I tell her the truth, try to be friends, or just try to remove myself from her life? What is best for her?

[ExpatInItaly]

She says she wants me to still be part of her life, but I have no idea if she means it, or what that would entail, or if it would even be healthy for us to consider that. Should I tell her the truth, try to be friends, or just try to remove myself from her life? What is best for her?

 

I don't think you two can remain friends. This friendship has held you both back for too long and it's not built on a foundation of trust, which is generally necessary for true friendship. I have a hard time imagining she would want to stay friends if she knew the truth about you anyway, simply because she would realize how dishonest and disingenuous you have been all along.

 

I also would venture to stay you've been using this friendship as a crutch, which is not healthy for you either. I don't mean that you don't like her, but this has kept you propped up at the expense of finding healthier coping mechanisms. Relying on a stranger to keep you going just isn't viable in the long run.

 

You say you both love each other, but you both love the illusion of who you believe the other to be. You don't know if she's been totally honest with you either. Saying she is perfect for you is premature since you have never met this person. There is every chance that she has lied about certain things as well, and every chance the virtual fantasy would not hold up in real life.

 

I would strongly encourage you to unplug and get some genuine help. You need to stop worrying about what is best for her, and start doing what is best for you. This friendship isn't it.

[smackie9]

IMO you don't have to do anything. Even tho you think you did wrong, I feel you were a benefit to her. She just needed to connect with someone, and listen to her problems. I think she is satisfied with that, and now she is ready to move onto to new things.

 

 

 

Honestly I think you need to get into some serious full time therapy. And the first step in your next session is to be honest with everything or they can't help you. Second, forgive yourself, and learn to let things go....get rid of the guilt.

[d0nnivain]

She left this fantasy you created for real life. You are sad. You have learned your lesson & you won't do it again.

 

You can console yourself by listening to a country song called I'm So Much Cooler On Line by Brad Paisley. In the song the guy's lies are outrageous but you are not the only person who lied.

 

This ended in a good way for her. She has moved on. It's better then her being shattered when you finally came clean & she felt like a fool. But it was always going to end.

 

Instead of wallowing, work on yourself. Figure out how to get yourself a job or two then gets you out of mom & dad's house.

[Alice82]

Just tell her all of this. You can still change if you want to. You'll be a better man and take the first step towards it if you start by being honest.

[Noproblem]

I think it is time for you to move on and forget it and let her move on with her life.

You already took 10 years of her life.

 

Focus on improving yourself, fight your demons and win.

 

You are still young and you have all life ahead of you.

 

Go back to community college and start studying again.

 

Enough with excuses, enough with lies, enough with weakness.

 

Go now and register for classes. Now!

 

Go to the gym to stay in shape I am sure you either too skinny or too fat!

 

So stop eating unhealthy burritos and eat healthy stuff to make you feel good and look good.

 

Don't give up. It's not over

 

But definitely leave this girl be and no need to show her the truth, you will only hurt her more!

 

Say your farewell and start all over!