Dating My Friend's Dad, how do I tell her?

[blush_morningstar]

Hello Everyone! I am having somewhat of a moral dilemma and am in desperate need of relationship advice!!

 

I have been dating my childhood friend’s dad for a while now, and am completely in love! Problem is, since she left town for college, she doesn’t know that we have been building a relationship. Growing up, I always saw him as my friends dad and he was married at the time. We have since reconnected as two single adults in recent years and started our romance! He really is my dream guy! We are extremely serious and considering marriage, and maybe even starting a family together! He is 30 years my senior so the time is ticking and that window of opportunity to start our future together is closing fast. We want to be upfront with our families.

 

My questions are:

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, either dating a friend’s parent or family member?

How did you break the news to your family?

Also, were you able to still remain friends in the process?

 

I really want our relationship to work, so any and all advice would be appreciated! Please help & be kind! Thank you!

[darkmoon]

how? by a hand-written letter with an invite to your champagne dinner party, to include a bridesmaid outfit discussion... she prolly already knows her dad is attractive... just make sure to tell her she is the first to know, make her feel special... you 2 are not going to split up for her whatever you/she says, imho... a letter gives her time to think, to not get angry at you or whatnot

Edited February 24, 2019 by darkmoon

[m2r2]

I can’t give you good answer on your questions but I can tell you that I am a guy similar age as your “friends dad” and I have 3 daughters 26, 24 and 20.

 

 

One thing that is surprising is him willing to have children (or just telling you what you want to hear). At that age guys don’t plan to start families with woman same age as their daughters. They use them for fun only. There was a story just recently here or on another site where early thirties wife was complaining how her husband in he’s fifties is going to funerals of he’s relatives and friends and her friends are having children.

 

 

You need to weak up and think what will your life look like in 10 years when your husband becomes senior and needs care and maybe even financial support and you rising small children. If your and he’s families don’t support your marriage (high probability for this to happen) life could be tough

 

 

 

I hope you make right decision

[d0nnivain]

You have to make a joint plan together. He may not want her to know.

 

At your age one of my friend's dads asked me out. I was flattered & interested because he was definitively a DILF. I couldn't do it. I point blank told him how hot he was & that under other circumstances I'd be all over him but I genuinely cared about his son, my friend, & had no interest in being in a quasi-step mother role to my friend. That dad accepted that.

 

Another female friend of mine dated this older guy. She was younger than his oldest child. His stipulation was she could never meet his kids. After a few years she felt like a dirty little secret & broke things off.

 

Whatever the disclosure, it needs to be a joint disclosure. Even if his daughter is OK, your father is most likely going to freak. Do you have a plan to deal with that?

[BaileyB]

Is she a close friend? I ask because you need to be prepared for the possibility that this friendship may be lost forever, when you tell her. If she does not end your friendship immediately, your relationship will most definitely be forever changed. Be ready for that...

[alphamale]

He is 30 years my senior...

 

this is not going to end well for you or him or your friend

[smackie9]

No matter what you do, you both are going to be hit with resistance from everyone. There is no delicate way to make the announcement. Good luck.

[stillafool]

I'm not going to tell you what to do regarding your relationship but as far as his daughter being told about the relationship - I would let him tell his daughter.

[Cersei]

Ok. If your friend is in college you are likely about 19 to 24 years old so the man would be in his early 50s If I am reading this right.

 

Why settle for an old dude!! You are likely surrounded by nice looking young hot guys? Have some fun with guys in their 20s. There is lots of time for men in their 50s....When you are in your 50s!

 

Don't let your youth slip away. One day you will look back and wonder why you wasted your time with an older dude.

 

As stated above your friends and families won't accept this news too well. Run!

[Iris The Butterfly]

I can’t give you good answer on your questions but I can tell you that I am a guy similar age as your “friends dad” and I have 3 daughters 26, 24 and 20.

 

 

One thing that is surprising is him willing to have children (or just telling you what you want to hear). At that age guys don’t plan to start families with woman same age as their daughters. They use them for fun only. There was a story just recently here or on another site where early thirties wife was complaining how her husband in he’s fifties is going to funerals of he’s relatives and friends and her friends are having children.

 

 

You need to weak up and think what will your life look like in 10 years when your husband becomes senior and needs care and maybe even financial support and you rising small children. If your and he’s families don’t support your marriage (high probability for this to happen) life could be tough

 

 

 

I hope you make right decision

 

Why wouldn’t a man his age want more kids? Isn’t that the whole point of biology? We have no reason to doubt this man doesn’t want more children and isn’t just telling her what she wants to hear. I’m dating a man 14 years older and it’s met with some caution from my friends who worry about what you mentioned- like “what’s going to happen 20 or 30 years from now when he gets old and you have to take care of him or he does before you and you’re left taking care of young children... which wouldn’t happen because I’m 35 and he’s 48). He says (and rightfully so) that women his age can’t have kids so he prefers to date and marry a woman who can (my age range, under 40). I don’t see why this couldn’t be the case with OP. 30 years is a very large gap and is bound to be met with resistance. But it doesn’t mean he’s not being genuine.

 

OP- both of you just make the announcement to the family. It doesn’t have to be a big production. People aren’t going to like it but if you are happy and want to make the relationship work and are planning a future it will come out eventually. Be prepared for the judgment (not saying it’s right). I don’t know how old you are but I’m sure you can date men your own age and you probably already have. As have I. But men my age are either married, playing around and don’t want to settle down or not established yet, or I’m not attracted to them. So I’ve always tended to be with older men for my long term relationships (15 years older maximum). I can see the appeal and there’s nothing wrong with it. I think we are well aware that by dating an older man there will be pros and cons.

 

Good luck.

[basil67]

Why wouldn’t a man his age want more kids? Isn’t that the whole point of biology?

 

My hubby wanted to have them done by 40 because he wanted to be young enough to be active with them. He wanted to have kids young enough that the kids could be independent by the time we got to retirement age. He wanted kids early because birth defects are not only associated with female age, but also male age. He had a vasectomy at age 42 just to make sure he wouldn't be having them when he was older.

 

Many other guys who have older kids don't want to start again after having raised their older children. They've gotten their lives back and want to enjoy being able to go out and have fun without worrying about getting up at 5:30am for the baby or babysitters and school functions. Not to mention how much a new baby would eat into retirement savings.

[Gretchen12]

You'd only lose a friend, but he might lose his daughter. She doesn't know because he does not want to tell her. You don't have children, you don't know. Better leave it to him. And if he continues to hide you, that tells you how serious he is about moving forward with you.

[Noproblem]

I don't have problems with age gaps that are 5, 10, or 15 years apart or maybe even 20.

 

but 30 is too too too much.

 

I hope you reconsider this.

 

Are you sure you are not filling the daddy figure by being with him?

 

Are you sure it's really true love from both sides?

 

Maybe he just wants young blood to feel young and alive again!

 

How long have you been together, if it's 1 year or so, this is really not enough time to spend the rest of his life with you.

 

He is 50, he'll be 70 when you are 40

 

are you sure you are not gonna break the old man heart by running after a younger lad when you are in your mid 30's or 40's?

 

Also, your kids will not get to know their father!

 

 

Honestly, you are way too young to know what you are doing!

 

Why not study like your friend and see life a little!

 

That's just sad.

Edited February 25, 2019 by Noproblem

[Iris The Butterfly]

My hubby wanted to have them done by 40 because he wanted to be young enough to be active with them. He wanted to have kids young enough that the kids could be independent by the time we got to retirement age. He wanted kids early because birth defects are not only associated with female age, but also male age. He had a vasectomy at age 42 just to make sure he wouldn't be having them when he was older.

 

Many other guys who have older kids don't want to start again after having raised their older children. They've gotten their lives back and want to enjoy being able to go out and have fun without worrying about getting up at 5:30am for the baby or babysitters and school functions. Not to mention how much a new baby would eat into retirement savings.

 

I think most people in a perfect world who want them want to have children by 30 or 40 for exactly the reasons you describe. Life doesn’t always work according to plan. I didn’t have kids in my 20s for my own reasons but want to now in my 30s. My bf wanted to be married before he has kids and hadn’t ever been with the right woman so he didn’t do that yet, same as me. Sometimes men who are older want another round of kids if they already have older kids. Why? Because they can. Women can’t. My older ex (by 10 years) had two adult kids and didn’t really want more so that was part of the reason we split. Friend’s hubby has one daughter in her 20s and wanted more kids so he married her (she’s in her 30s) and they have two young kids and are very happy. Just saying it can go either way. My current bf wants kids and soon as we are both older and don’t want to be old parents (which we already would be). My point is- just because there is an age gap and the man is older and has kids doesn’t mean he doesn’t want more. I’ve seen it happen.

[preraph]

I just want you to be aware of something. People's brains are not even fully developed until they're in their mid-20s at least. And the part that isn't formed is the amydala, and until that is formed, you cannot fully understand the consequences of your actions. In fact, until you are 26 or so, you are not even thinking with an adult brain. You are mostly just going on emotions, because the other isn't developed yet.

 

Marrying or having kids with someone 30 years older is irrational. When you are about 30, he will be nearing retirement and probably limping from arthritis, and your kids will still be 10 and you will still need to save for college.

 

I don't care how mature you think you are, your brain is not an adult brain yet, so you have no business jumping into something that everyone you know will advise you against because they are wiser than you.

[m2r2]

@Littlebridge..

 

I’ll answer your question but don’t want this to become stubborn argument who is right or wrong. OP is probably 20-22 years old and still in la-la land and you are saying you are at 35 and probably hearing biological clock ticking behind you

 

OP’s friend’s father is my guess early fifties and has family behind him and love of your life is 48 and only you know or think that you know where he spend last 20 plus years and what is behind him. You are more mature and more materialistic and looking for security and younger guys can’t offer that yet. OP probably leaves at home and doesn’t pay bills yet

 

We can go on and on. Every case is different and we all have different experiences. My father was 10 years older than my mother and that marriage failed after 30 years. I was witness of it and have learned something from it. If what you have works for you and you are happy all the best to you

Edited February 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote and fix spacing

[Blue_Cloud]

Yeah I’m in a mess too. I’m seeing a guy 20 years older than me. His ex wife is also seeing a guy my age. It’s not just some older guy, he looks good. Trying to break it off with him because I am tired of hiding. He’s not a father of any of my friends, but a guy I knew years ago that just dumped his wife. If you love him then stay, but age gap relations almost never work long term. Yes he will be really old soon. You might have to look after him. You are young and might not want this guy in time. Most younger people don’t end up with the person they are currently with

Edited February 27, 2019 by Blue_Cloud

[RecentChange]

Yikes.

 

I am another who will say age gaps like this aren't reasonable.

 

He has been an adult for what, 30 years? And the op has been once for what? One or two years?

 

Causes issues with power. Life experience. Expectations. Stages of life.

 

Honestly I find it incredibly wrong for a mature man to go after his daughter's childhood friend. Reminds me of the movie American Beauty.

 

There is a reason why relationships like this are taboo, and I think it's appropriate that they are shunned in society. It's very very rare that something like this would result in a healthy lasting relationship.

 

I bet this old divorcee thinks he hit the jack pot getting sex from a collage girl.

 

OP - Is your father in your life?

[camillalev]

had no interest in being in a quasi-step mother role to my friend.

 

Oh god. You'd be her step mom!

[gaius]

Take her shopping for mother's day cards and surprise her with the fact she might have to get one for you soon.

 

At least you'll be in a public place in case she tries to kill you.