rngrl12 Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 Date 1: met for coffee. Talk for 2 hours. He has to leave to attend a birthday party. Asks me out end of date 1. Texts asking if I made it home okay says he's sorry he had to cut it short. Date 2: rock climbing and icecream. Hugs me. Texts again to see if I made it home and says he had fun. Date 3: i meet him at his house and we go out to a bar with his friends. Finally kiss. He tells me I'm stunning and incredibly attractive. Drop him off at his house and he calls me immediately after to say how much he likes me. Date 4 was planned for today. I texted him 3 hours before asking the plans. He tells me he's "dead" and is going to have to rain check. I just texted and said "okay, no problem. Hope you get some rest." Havent heard back from him since. Thinking of completely writing him off bc he didn't reach out to me to let me know it was off. I had to reach out to him. And I invited him rock climbing for a fundraiser on Sunday and he told me he didnt think he'd be able to make it.
Author rngrl12 Posted February 24, 2019 Author Posted February 24, 2019 Should I write him off or not? I havent heard back from him since he cancelled yesterday.
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 It's flu season, maybe he's honestly ill. I had it and man it knocks you down for days. Give it a week and see if he reaches out....in the meantime, there is nothing stopping you from dating other guys.
alphamale Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 give him one more chance, there may have been a misunderstanding
d0nnivain Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 You are awfully quick to "write somebody off." You don't know if he worked too much, has the flu or is hung over. When you feel dead you often don't behave in the most polite manner. I would give him another chance. If you see a pattern, of course end it. But making one minor error fatal is harsh. Wouldn't you want compassion & understanding if you made a mistake? 3
Normm Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 You sound like my sister. She comes on strong and intense when she meets a guy and wonders why these promising looking guys disappear off the radar after a few dates. They don't want the clingy-neediness. You want quality guys such as me, you need to chill out. Don't write him off, don't go chasing him, just let it be. Continue to chat with guys online and set up dates, and don't focus on this guy. If you hear from him and he wants to take you out again, then accept and see how it goes. It's all about slowing it down and not expecting more than what is reasonable from a person you hardly even know.
Versacehottie Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 I agree with the others that to write him off is too harsh. IMO, you shouldn't have asked him to the rock climbing fundraiser. If he is getting cold feet or worried about too much closeness too soon, or dating others and not quite sure (which is normal at this stage), you don't "push in" which could feel like more "too much", You leave the ball in his court. Which is exactly what you should do now and see what he does next. Good luck
fred123 Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 I agree with the others that to write him off is too harsh. IMO, you shouldn't have asked him to the rock climbing fundraiser. If he is getting cold feet or worried about too much closeness too soon, or dating others and not quite sure (which is normal at this stage), you don't "push in" which could feel like more "too much", You leave the ball in his court. Which is exactly what you should do now and see what he does next. Good luck too much closeness too soon? huh not sure what she did wrong? u ask to go on dates and you go on dates. what is wrong?! OP has done nothing wrong. if he feels its too soon to be close hes not into her. also please explain what you mean by closeness and too soon?
Lotsgoingon Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 Give him another chance ... I have to say: this brother is quite methodical in his approach to you ... He seems highly organized ... So for him to not notify you ahead of time ... seems out of character. But ... do not let "this go" ... as in pretend this last-second cancellation did not happen. You want to bring that up at some point ... Just to draw a boundary and make clear you expect HIM to call you when he can't follow through. Here's what you do NOT want to do ... Your text: I just texted and said "okay, no problem. Hope you get some rest." Havent heard back from him since. That's fake ... "Okay, no problem." How can him cancelling without telling you not be a problem? As a friend of mine would say, you're leaving your body and leaving reality. Next time, skip the "Okay no problem" .. and simply go with the "I hope you feel better." That expresses some compassion and yet puts the burden back on him to take the next step. Minor in some ways ... but giving responses like the one you gave is how we get ourselves on the wrong path of putting up with nonsense. 1
Normm Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 too much closeness too soon? huh not sure what she did wrong? u ask to go on dates and you go on dates. what is wrong?! OP has done nothing wrong. Disagree. The guy has pulled back for whatever reason, her next step is to do nothing. Dating IS a game regardless of what some might think or say. You need to balance your own actions with those of a potential partner and not crank it up too high or too fast. Otherwise you run the almost certain risk of being perceived as anything from too clingy, too having no life, to being mentally unstable and needing to grab onto anyone or anything that shows the least bit of interest. It's no different from fishing. Just because you get a few nibbles you don't pull on the rod, if you do you'll never hook the fish. 2
edgygirl Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 That's the definition of an overreaction. Also, why book climbing again if you did that 2 dates ago? Sounds kinda boring. Thinking of completely writing him off bc he didn't reach out to me to let me know it was off. I had to reach out to him. And I invited him rock climbing for a fundraiser on Sunday and he told me he didnt think he'd be able to make it.
Versacehottie Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 too much closeness too soon? huh not sure what she did wrong? u ask to go on dates and you go on dates. what is wrong?! OP has done nothing wrong. if he feels its too soon to be close hes not into her. also please explain what you mean by closeness and too soon? I mean that regardless of whether or not it is the reality, his PERCEPTION that it is moving too fast or too close too soon can cause a guy to do this. There are a variety of reasons he would cancel: A) the truth B) feeling smothered or worried he will find himself in a relationship before he is ready to be in one C) losing interest in the OP, dating someone else he likes better. So for ALL of those reasons (there are probably a few others too but those are the main ones, the right thing for the OP to do is leave the ball in his court. Reassert her value, not ask him to something else when he is pulling back whatever the reason. Again, it's perception of desperateness whether or not that is the case. Even if he is just sick, it's overwhelming to a guy who is acting skittish or flakey. And it's not necessary to want to take someone to a good event if he is being flakey on you. Look at the long view and pull back until he is NOT being flakey on you. I think the idea that "he's not into you" if he doesn't do things automatically in the moving ahead automatically, IF THIS THEN THIS manner doesn't allow for human nature and variations in people's behavior. It's too black and white. Yes, that is a possible cause of what is going on, in which case what she did by asking him out is the wrong move. It won't necessarily get clarification on the fact that he is "not into her" but if he is on the fence and needing his own time and space to come to whatever conclusion it will push things in the wrong direction. It will give a vibe that she is desperate, pushing for a relationship and she is leading--regardless of what she really is. IMO, very often a girl makes the mistake of not playing it cool enough or over invests which causes what seems to be going on here to me--or at least a strong possibility. Basically on a simple respect level, if he doesn't want to go out with her today, why IS she trying to book the next date with him? I've have seen it "go well" many times if a girl can just sit back and let things play out, effectively acting like she has options and isn't going to waste her time if he's not putting in the effort. There are more ways (and better ways IMO), then asking him for another date when he is flaking on one to show your value and see where you stand with someone. Not everything happens in just a one-sided timeline. I still don't think means for sure it's a fatal mistake of the OP at this point. It seems like they have had 3 fun dates. I just think if she is trying to learn from this, to do the concept of "reciprocation". He does something, she reciprocates. Just like a pet if you reward them for bad behavior, you get what you get. Asking him on another date as he is flaking on you is akin to rewarding bad behavior and lowers her value or at least confuses the issue. If you want to see what his character is or where his head is, have the patience to do so and see how he makes up the flaking to you. A good guy who is into you WILL do that and he will understand that he needs to show you better in order to be in your life. You know, bad patterns, start out with this stuff. I am not saying that 100% that is what is going on but if you default to the strategy that you are going to believe that he is sick and will reschedule the date in time, do that and you cover the bases. If you don't trust him and think he's lying to get out of the date, why the heck would you want to book another one with him anyway? So, to me, all the answers come back to letting him reschedule not doing the work for him. That's my rec on her situation as she presented it here. Ok, good luck OP.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 You are awfully quick to "write somebody off." You don't know if he worked too much, has the flu or is hung over. When you feel dead you often don't behave in the most polite manner. I would give him another chance. If you see a pattern, of course end it. But making one minor error fatal is harsh. Wouldn't you want compassion & understanding if you made a mistake? Maybe the poster has had a lot of guys flake on her? I was always wary of guys cancelling because 99% of the time it never turned out well. See what happens, do not reach out to him. If he is interested, he will reach out. 1
Interstellar Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 Let me see, if the situation was flipped and I ask a woman out and she said no, and didn’t counteroffer. Or didn’t reached out to me in a day with a date, and time. Adios baby!!! 1
frus69 Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 If you go real chill, guys always come back. If you actually care, they all run away lol it's funny like they could see what you were doing or something. I've had guys who sound really wishy washy and i'd think "nah he isnt real keen but whatevs" however they asked me out rather soon. Also had guys who flaked but I thought "but he was so keen! He must be really busy" but turned out they really flaked. So you never know. But always, sit back and chill.
angelfire138 Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 Eh, maybe he really is sick? I know when I had a really bad allergic flareup that lasted for a few days, I didn't want to see anyone or even text anyone, I felt so crappy. You could always reach out to him in a few days asking how he's feeling. And if he doesn't reply to that, well...maybe time to cut your losses. I'd also be dating others and keeping my options open in the meantime.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 25, 2019 Posted February 25, 2019 In my lengthy dating experience, cancelling an early date has never turned out well. Also, when I cancelled an early date, 100% of the time it was because I wasn’t that into the guy.
Recommended Posts