0nthebrink23 Posted February 23, 2019 Posted February 23, 2019 Hi, this is my first time posting here. My boyfriend and I made 1 year Feb 2nd. But I'm worried he may still have had feelings for a female friend of his when we got together. Or may still have feelings. Some history: He was hanging out with a girl he went to high school with off and on for about a year from about June 2016 till August 2017. He started developing feelings for her bc of the constant hangouts. Also this girl would tease him by sending him topless pics of her asking if she was pretty. He thought she liked him. He asked if she wanted to date a couple of times but she'd always say 'we're just friends.' But she'd make him pay every time they hung out and she would constantly text other guys while they were together and a lot of times walk a mile ahead of him when she asked to go for walks, he still liked that a girl seemingly wanted to spend time with him. He used to be overweight and bullied all his life so this was his first real experience hanging out with a girl one on one. He's 33 btw. He was 31-32 when they were hanging out. He said at the time he was completely confused and thought maybe he was in love but realizes now that he wasn't. He and I started talking in December 2017 and dated shortly after. We officially became a couple on Feb 2, 2018. Here's what bothers me. I know social media isn't a big deal but he kept her as a friend on social media knowing she was there AFTER we were together. And it's not like he forgot she was there. That I would be more understanding about bc it would prove he most likely even forgot she was there. But no. He made a conscious effort to keep her there by specifically blocking her from seeing his posts on fb but didn't DELETE her. Why? This indicates to me that he still had feelings for her. He specifically told me in the beginning, "it stung and then he met me and it didn't sting anymore" - and I'm honestly tired of being someone's means to get over someone else. That's how it was in my last relationship. I figured since this guy had no prior dating history, I'd never have to worry about that here. During our relationship I have overreacted with some things he's done and said but I honestly feel justified in thinking he still had feelings for her when we got together. He's had a habit of fudging details when it came to this girl and I can't imagine why. One minute he said the last time he spoke to her was in Aug 2017 when they stopped hanging out. Now I'm learning she messaged him when he got back from Italy in Jan 2018 asking how his trip was. He responded. We weren't together then so it's fine but again I can't help but wonder why would you wanna keep someone that used you around unless there are some feelings there still? Also, there's a chance that his response to her came in Feb 2018 after he and I were together. He said he remembers responding 'good' then deleting her. But he didn't delete her from Instagram until Feb 11th, 2018 which means we were together by then. Which is weird bc he unfollowed all of the Instagram models he was following the day before we got together, I didn't ask him to and he didn't tell me. I just happened to notice his count went down and they were gone. But still he intentionally left this girl. Why? And he didn't delete her from Facebook until Feb 13th 2018 after I learned of their 'history' and got upset with him. So who knows if he ever would've deleted her from there on his own. I'm worried that during that time he could've asked her one more time if she'd like to date. She said no and so he settled for me. So I guess my questions are: does it seem likely that he DID have feelings for her when we got together? If so, is that necessarily a bad thing? It would honestly hurt and make me feel like a rebound.
d0nnivain Posted February 23, 2019 Posted February 23, 2019 It doesn't matter how he may have felt one year ago. He's been a faithful BF to you for all this time. Stop creating problems where none exist. As for the time discrepancy, he may have last TALKED to her in Aug. 2017. Her messaging him in Jan 2018 before he met you is not the same thing as him talking to her. She's his past. he knows she is no good for him & is only teasing him. If their only connect is social media, find a way to be OK with it.
Author 0nthebrink23 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Posted February 23, 2019 Yes, very true thank you. They are no longer friends on social media. He unfollowed her on Instagram on his own last year. Shortly after, he deleted her from facebook but I think that's only bc I got mad about it. I guess my concern is, what if while we WERE together, in the very beginning, he tried asking her to date again or she sent him more topless pics and he didn't delete her right away? Wouldn't that be considered cheating? I don't wanna feel like a rebound or like he only settled for me bc she turned him down again. Also, I asked him recently if he and I broke up would he talk to her again. He said if he was that low and depressed, it's a possibility. Then he saw I got upset and said no he wouldn't. Why would he even consider talking to someone like that again UNLESS there's still something there?
d0nnivain Posted February 23, 2019 Posted February 23, 2019 There isn't anything there. You think he would go to her for post break up comfort because he cares. Not so. He'd go because she'd let him. That's all. He has so little respect for her that he would use her. She's no threat to you. You need to stop talking & thinking about her. She is irrelevant. Treat her that way.
Author 0nthebrink23 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Posted February 23, 2019 But if he has no respect for her why DELIBERATELY keep her around? He also keeps telling me that they never had sex but they were in his hot tub together on numerous occasions with her being topless (another reason he thought she was into him) and that she never met his family but she's friends with his cousin on facebook that she's "never met" but his cousin isn't even friends with ME, his actual gf?
elaine567 Posted February 23, 2019 Posted February 23, 2019 ^^^ Why do you know all this about her? Is he answering your questions about her, or does he keep bringing her into the conversation ?
Author 0nthebrink23 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Posted February 23, 2019 ^^^ Why do you know all this about her? Is he answering your questions about her, or does he keep bringing her into the conversation ? I keep asking him and he keeps answering. He keeps telling me that he doesn't wanna talk about it anymore but I feel in my head this NEED to know. I obsess over it 1
Author 0nthebrink23 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Posted February 23, 2019 It doesn't matter how he may have felt one year ago. I know it doesn't matter now but if he did still have feelings for her, isn't it wrong to get involved with me before he dealt with that? Makes me feel like I was just used to get over her
d0nnivain Posted February 23, 2019 Posted February 23, 2019 You will never have peace with this because you won't let yourself. You are obsessed with her. Every time you ask about her, your BF cringes inside & thinks "not this again." At some point he's also going to decide that getting in trouble for something he didn't do is no longer worth the aggravation of trying to maintain a relationship with you. I dated a guy once who was like you. He was obsessed with my relationship another guy. He went on & on about it all the time. After a while I broke up with him because I could no longer stand being accused all the time of something that I didn't do. About 1-2 months after we broke up my EX came up to me & asked why aren't you dating him, isn't that why you broke up with me? I screamed. Literally screamed & said for the final time: "No you paranoid jerk. I broke up with you because you didn't trust me. I never wanted him & I still don't. Now leave me alone." He cried. Apologized. Begged for me to come back. Sent flowers. It was annoying. Don't be him. Past the age of 15, everybody has a past. You need to accept that. Think about it. This girl got in a hot tub topless with your BF & they are still not together. Did you ever think that maybe your BF recognizes her as a desperate "loose" woman (I'll get chastised or calling her the S word) and that is why he doesn't date her? Even if he did "use" you to get over her, as long as it worked & he got over her, it doesn't matter. He chose you. Until you accept that, let go of this unhealthy obsession with her & move forward, you are the one sabotaging your relationship, not your BF, not this OW, you.
Author 0nthebrink23 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Posted February 23, 2019 (edited) You will never have peace with this because you won't let yourself. You are obsessed with her. Every time you ask about her, your BF cringes inside & thinks "not this again." At some point he's also going to decide that getting in trouble for something he didn't do is no longer worth the aggravation of trying to maintain a relationship with you. I dated a guy once who was like you. He was obsessed with my relationship another guy. He went on & on about it all the time. After a while I broke up with him because I could no longer stand being accused all the time of something that I didn't do. About 1-2 months after we broke up my EX came up to me & asked why aren't you dating him, isn't that why you broke up with me? I screamed. Literally screamed & said for the final time: "No you paranoid jerk. I broke up with you because you didn't trust me. I never wanted him & I still don't. Now leave me alone." He cried. Apologized. Begged for me to come back. Sent flowers. It was annoying. Don't be him. Past the age of 15, everybody has a past. You need to accept that. Think about it. This girl got in a hot tub topless with your BF & they are still not together. Did you ever think that maybe your BF recognizes her as a desperate "loose" woman (I'll get chastised or calling her the S word) and that is why he doesn't date her? Even if he did "use" you to get over her, as long as it worked & he got over her, it doesn't matter. He chose you. Until you accept that, let go of this unhealthy obsession with her & move forward, you are the one sabotaging your relationship, not your BF, not this OW, you. Wow, thanks for sharing your personal story. That really helps put things in perspective. I don't wanna be this way bc I DO believe my bf is a good guy. For the record though, he's not with her not bc HE didn't wanna be with her but bc SHE didn't wanna be with HIM. So in spite of her being "loose" he still considered dating her. Does that say anything about HIM? And what if he tried one more time in the beginning of our relationship and she shot him down again? That means he cheated on me, no? And I understand it, I really do. But feeling like a rebound is a really sh*tty thing and a little hard to get past. Makes me feel less special, if that makes sense. I was the rebound in my last relationship. It sucks. I want to be someone's number one. And how do I know he DIDN'T have sex with her? He told me before we got together and before he knew I was this obsessive that he didn't. But what if since he had so little respect for her that he did and felt bad after so just decided to say he didn't? Please don't think I haven't listened to your advice bc I am. I'm going to screenshot it and save it on my phone for the next time I feel the need to ask him about her. But I hope you can understand my concerns as well. Edited February 23, 2019 by 0nthebrink23
d0nnivain Posted February 23, 2019 Posted February 23, 2019 OK. But at this point I think your BF figured out you are the better choice. Adjust your mindset accordingly & carry on. Unless you see or hear him wanting to meet with her, let it be. His actions are the most telling evidence here.
Author 0nthebrink23 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Posted February 23, 2019 OK. But at this point I think your BF figured out you are the better choice. Adjust your mindset accordingly & carry on. Unless you see or hear him wanting to meet with her, let it be. His actions are the most telling evidence here. You're right. Thank you 1
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