9+ years I love you but im not in love with you

[Turning point]

I think its more to do with her reason for splitting up after all this time

 

thought our relationship I haven't always been in love with her there was times when I thought about leaving but didn't because when you love someone you don't just walk away you work through it

 

it just doesn't make sense

 

Nothing makes sense when you're in this much pain. You have to stop making this all about her.

 

There are a few dysfunctional things in your narrative that have to be unpacked and one of them is this very flawed notion that when we "Don't Walk Away" then therefore, it must be "Love."

 

We don't know why she is walking away to whatever extent that entails and to be honest - she may be the one making the more healthy choices right now. She would need some distance to acquire insight into why she keeps going back to such a painful relationship. Perhaps she's not abandoning her kids as much as trying to get a handle on what remains apart from that very clear obligation.

 

Presently, you're being reactive rather than proactive and possibly you've been this way throughout the entire relationship. That's a huge burden for the other person to carry. You need to have a life that isn't on "pause" waiting to take your next cue from someone else.

 

It's important for you to have your own center, and to be your own person. Putting your kids first means each of you having a strong self with whom they can identify. Your identity is not showing up in this narrative. You appear to be an extension of her or at least who you want her to be.

Edited February 24, 2019 by Turning point

[S1LVER GTi]

Nothing makes sense when you're in this much pain. You have to stop making this all about her.

 

There are a few dysfunctional things in your narrative that have to be unpacked and one of them is this very flawed notion that when we "Don't Walk Away" then therefore, it must be "Love."

 

We don't know why she is walking away to whatever extent that entails and to be honest - she may be the one making the more healthy choices right now. She would need some distance to acquire insight into why she keeps going back to such a painful relationship. Perhaps she's not abandoning her kids as much as trying to get a handle on what remains apart from that very clear obligation.

 

Presently, you're being reactive rather than proactive and possibly you've been this way throughout the entire relationship. That's a huge burden for the other person to carry. You need to have a life that isn't on "pause" waiting to take your next cue from someone else.

 

It's important for you to have your own center, and to be your own person. Putting your kids first means each of you having a strong self with whom they can identify. Your identity is not showing up in this narrative. You appear to be an extension of her or at least who you want her to be.

 

obvs I would be an extention of her at the min we were together for a long time and I don't get what you mean keeps coming back shes not

 

and my life is not on pause at all I'm still going out and doing things with my self the only problem I am having is getting my head around it I don't think it helps that we talk daily but theres not a lot I can do about that

 

I feel a lot better than I did a month ago but I carnt stop thinking about her I also know that she checks my facebook on a daily basis not sure why she also still has my last name on her instergram account and has been on there since we split

 

she also still has all the pics of me and her up on her accounts and I also know she has actual pictures of me and her with her

 

I don't know whats going on and its a struggle but slowly but surely I'm getting through it

[Marc878]

being honest I don't know if she has someone else or not but she did tell me she was asked out on a date and she said no because it don't feel right and other people have asked her if shes seeing someone else and she has said no she has no reason to lie were not together

 

she also knows that I am here for her I know its a stupid thing to say and maybe in 6 months a year down the line if she comes back I might decide I don't want her

 

for now my focus is my kids and getting over this

 

They all tend to lie about having someone else. She left for a reason. If you have access to her phone bill go online. You'll probably see it in there.

 

Most like you will stay in denial wanting to believe but that is a false comfort.

 

Sorry you're here.

[Turning point]

I also know that she checks my facebook on a daily basis not sure why she also still has my last name on her instergram account and has been on there since we split

 

she also still has all the pics of me and her up on her accounts

 

This is not helpful. You cannot use online content as an emotional measuring stick. Stay off of social media and focus on what is real.

 

Listen to what she says and compare it to her actions. That is what's real.

[S1LVER GTi]

so people I have got to the bottom of why she left me

 

she feels like I took her for granted

 

so now my mission is to prove my self to her and then she will come to me when shes ready to talk I have a lot of self improvement to make but that's ok I need it anyways

[Turning point]

so now my mission is to prove my self to her and then she will come to me...

 

This is a really, really, bad idea.

 

You may very well have taken her for granted. She may very well have failed to communicate her expectations of you. The failure of the relationship was mutual and you cannot fix a relationship of 2 people with the effort of just 1 person.

 

Your proposition is not even practical because, you don't even understand what it is you are supposed to prove! Furthermore, there's no end zone or goal post for you to move toward. The ethereal possibility that she'll at some point approve of you is not a destination you can reach. You'd have better odds searching for the fountain of youth.

 

The people who have advised you to get a custody agreement approved through the courts speak from experience. If you don't get some oversight and preserve your parental rights now, you may be prone to lose substantial involvement with your children as this situation deteriorates and her disposition further hardens.

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, but your situation is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Being reactive rather than proactive is very dangerous to both you and your children.

Edited February 26, 2019 by Turning point

[vla1120]

I don't know whether you've taken her for granted, however, if you are going to make changes, make them for yourself - not just for her. I'm not totally buying that excuse anyways because she left her children. That is not typical. Either way, you're doing the right in by putting your children first (because if she were putting the children first, she'd still be there with them or she would have taken them with her.)

[S1LVER GTi]

hi everyone that has replied me and the ex have been speaking over the past few days normal day to day stuff kids that kind of thing

 

she told me she dose love me but right now that's not enough and that she dose love me romantically and that she wants to want me what ever that means I don't know

 

I do know that she is trying to be happy with her life and is working towards that I have also told her what she needs to work on and she is ok with that

 

and I do know what I need to work on we have spoken about this she also said she respects me for doing what I'm doing and to just give her time and space and let her come to me

 

I know this all sounds like a ploy to move on with what ever but you have to understand I know my ex best and I know when she is lying to me I appreciate that to some people it dose look how it sounds but I have no reason not to trust her

 

I never have not had a reason to trust her were slowly working through this together and again if anyone can tell me what wanting to want something means I would be grateful I tried googling it and it just comes up with verbs

[Chaparral]

What happened when you checked her phone bill? Unfortunately, being around these boards several years, the reason always turns out to be the same.

 

Have you found a job yet? Stay at home dads are way over represented in the infidelity threads.

[preraph]

I think she's gaslighting you to get you to do even MORE. And you're already doing more than your fair share.

 

so people I have got to the bottom of why she left me

 

she feels like I took her for granted

 

so now my mission is to prove my self to her and then she will come to me when shes ready to talk I have a lot of self improvement to make but that's ok I need it anyways

[S1LVER GTi]

I think she's gaslighting you to get you to do even MORE. And you're already doing more than your fair share.

 

not really I'm doing what I have always done other than dropping the kids off to her

[S1LVER GTi]

hi everyone a little update me and my ex and kids spent the day together we wernt supposed to but she asked if we could because she really missed me

 

and she also told me she is suffering with depression I already knew that and we agreed on spending 1 day together every so often and let things fall in to place when and if they do

 

so looking a bit more positive but by no means over the hill

 

also we had a really good chat about everything she said just don't push me she is worried that she will hurt me again witch is understandable and I put my point across on this situation

[Nash82]

hi everyone a little update me and my ex and kids spent the day together we wernt supposed to but she asked if we could because she really missed me

 

and she also told me she is suffering with depression I already knew that and we agreed on spending 1 day together every so often and let things fall in to place when and if they do

 

so looking a bit more positive but by no means over the hill

 

also we had a really good chat about everything she said just don't push me she is worried that she will hurt me again witch is understandable and I put my point across on this situation

 

That's really good to see. I've been reading these boards for a little while and whilst there is a lot of help out there, far too many on here jump to the worst conclusions. They may well have been hurt before and project on to others, but not everything is an affair like some would lead you to believe.

[Turning point]

POSSIBILITY that is the real concern, an affair just being one such example.

 

While infidelity is what jumps off the page, often readers overlook the years of this very same patient stand by mode people invested prior to being royally screwed over by a variety of things including personality disorders, severe depressive episodes, financial waste, and other possibilities.

 

You spouse doesn't have to be a cheater to do permanent damage to your future.