NYCtoFLA Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 Hello All, I am new to this community forum, I've been reading the threads...and I just love the advice and the "togetherness" that is displayed here. Well, here's my situation. I'm confused, and I'm hoping to get some feedback that'll more or less give me some sort of direction. My husband and I have been together for 12 yrs, married for 8. We have 2 beautiful children. I have to start off saying that he is a great friend, husband, and father. About 5 years ago I began to experience a serious problem, where my libido became close to nothing, and I refused to become intimately involved with my husbandm regardless of every effort he made. It was a frustrating situation for both he and I. Eventually, my husband became involved with a woman (kind of like a relationship, we'll call her T). And messed around w/another woman . He admitted to having been sexually involved with the 2. And how I found out about this, was NOT because he had changed his way of being with me at home. He still desired me, and pampered me, etc.....I just happened to click on something on our personal pc, and found some emails that led to my discovery. I was very hurt to find this out, however, I understood where this was all coming from. Well, we went through our tough times w/this whole ordeal, for about 8 months. At the time, I suggested we look for marriage counseling. He felt it wasn't needed. Eventually we decided to move to another state. Things seem to be great. I have no complaints of how he is, however, 2 wks ago I discovered that he sent T a text from our computer, and it said something like, "Thinking of you. Love you always" But anyway, to make a long story short, I also found out (and I'm telling it as he put it) that he had befriended a married woman, and they kind of flirted with each other. Never kissed, or touched, etc.....They got a hotel room to "hang out" because she's a married woman, and she could not risk being seen out in public. And of course, he could not risk being seen either...so they mutually agreed to "hang out", so what better place than a hotel room? I mean was the NEED to hang out that serious?? Turns out she ended up working late that night, and she couldn't make it to the hotel, so nothing happened. (By the way, during this time, I was on vacation out of the country) He said this was like a sign for him to open his eyes and look around him. Whatever! I'm not believing anything right now. My whole thing is if he loves me, and we're "happy" together, then why even gamble with the happiness. Anyways, he has decided that he needs help, and has taken the initiative to go and see a counselor. He went for his first session last Friday......He claims that he does not have that sexual drive to be w/another woman, however he can't put his finger on what it is that makes him do this. He is very apologetic, and trying everything to make this work out. He would like us both to attend counseling sessions, however, I am confused on what to do. I feel like I should walk out, only because I don't know for sure if this will occur again, OR if I should try to work it out. I don't know! Please help. Our children are very very close to him, and it kills me to think of the possibility of there being a separation, as I know they will suffer a great deal. Help. (sorry for the long post)
Scott S Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 Welcome to the board. First, let me say your husband deserves some credit for getting into counseling. It appears that he is taking ownership of the problem, & responsibility for his part in resolving it. Such an attitude is increasingly rare these days. But you need to do your share as well. One oft-repeated theme you will see here is that it takes two to make the relationship work. I would suggest one of the first things on your to-do list would be a physical exam to determine if there is some medical condition accounting for your decreased libido. Assuming no problems there, counseling would help get to the cause. Once identified, you can take corrective action. I believe that your husband does love you very much, & I would guess he feels sad & frustrated about an important need not being met. To clarify, I am not excusing or justifying inappropriate extramartial relationships. These other relationships are clearly inappropriate, & would have to be discontinued immediately for any marriage fix to be possible. I think you should consider giving couples counseling a chance. He's willing to put the effort into fixing your marriage, so if you still love him as much as you say you do, you owe him to do likewise.
Author NYCtoFLA Posted September 22, 2005 Author Posted September 22, 2005 Scott, I would like to thank you so much for such encouraging words. I don't think I was specific in clarifying that ever since the first fallout b/w the 2 of us (due to lack of intimacy) things have been corrected in that department, and everything else is great. This is why I am having a very difficult time accepting where all of this is coming from. Because as far as I am concerned, I've worked up to my standards of a wife, friend, mother, etc....and things are just great at home. At least that's what it seems like... I would like to consider giving couples counseling a shot, I am just afraid that this will happen again. Thanks Scott.
Scott S Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I would like to consider giving couples counseling a shot, I am just afraid that this will happen again. Thanks Scott. You're welcome. Yes, please give couples counseling a reasonable chance. What often happens in a situation like yours is that you're both too close emotionally to the problem to view it objectively. Where counseling is valuable is that an independent 3rd person CAN view it objectively, and can address issues that you are each blinded to. I suspect both of you would be astounded by what a counselor would have to tell you. Good luck! ________________________________________ If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be - Yogi Berra
mlchris2 Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 WOW, It's like I'm on the outside looking in on my relationship, if only I could get my wife to do the same thing. I'd like to hear what might be going through my wifes mind, becuase she's confusing me to death. We've been married 7 years and have 3 kids. Our relationship during the first 3 years was great. We had our first child that 3rd year. From there our sex life went right down the crapper. At first I tried talking to her about my feelings/needs/wants and how we might make it better. She refused that there was a problem. being lost, I talked to my dad for guidance. things went on this way for months. I ended up turning to pornography for an outlet. She disagreed and asked that I not do it. I agreed, if we could work on a few things. Well things ended up getting worse. For 5 years and 2 more kids, I've battled with her on this topic. I tried being more romantic and helpful to her, sort of like reaping rewards for good behavior. It worked at first, but then I basically got pushed away. I used the pornography as an outlet during this time and kept in on the downlow from her. A few times I confessed to her and she found out. In the middle of all this, we had financial problems, family issues and things are slowly starting to recover. She used to be a stay at home mom, but had to go to work. We have a good schedule going, but we see each other maybe 2 hours during the day and at night, were both so beat, we go right to sleep. there is no romance, nothing... Well she is a waitress at a Bar and Grill. Most of the people there are 18-23 yrs old, single and she is by far the oldest there. The first month there things were great. Afterwards, I noticed a change in her... she'd get home hours past when she was suppose to be home, smelling like booze. She said her and her friends went out. At first I didnt care, becuase she needed the break. It got to the point where this activity happened every Friday, Saturday, Sunday night. I'd work the entire week 7-4 (my job is more mentally drainign than physically) and then take care of home and kids at night. Then on the weekends, I'd care for the kids and the home, while she slept all day and would getup in time for work. I confronted her on it and she said, she woke up one morning and said she is tired of everyones crap and that she stopped caring. I was like okay, well lets work this out. Thinks in the bedroom were worse than ever. I may sound like a nypho, but I think a good sexual relationship is another ingredient for a good overal relationship. I told her I was using pornography again as an outlet and she found out. She told me if she finds out about it again, she's divorcing me. I told her that there are problems and we need to work them out. I finally just confessed that I was looking at porn. She ended it right then and there. We've been seperated for a month now and its been back and forth between divorce and seperation. I'm a total wreck, my kids are a mess and I dont doubt my wife is the same. now that were seperated, she got a roommate from work and is living this party life. I've asked if she is cheating on me, she says no. We have arguments on whom is over at the house while the kids are there...I get told to trust her and when something goes wrong, well then I can intervene. she is mad at me and is taking it out on everyone, but her friends. I've asked her to go to counselling with me, but she refused... at first she said she's not going...now she told me she thinks counseling is a joke. I have been twice and learned a great deal so far. I tried telling her the reason we had problems was becuase both of us werent working. I take responsibility for lying to her, but she refuses that she has problems and its all my fault. So i dropped it and asked her if we could just stay seperated for awhile and that I leave her alone and only talk financials and kids with her. She agreed. Do you know what she is going through? Is there anything I can do other than sit back and wait for her to come around? thanks for listening. Mark
Redbeard Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 she is mad at me and is taking it out on everyone, but her friends. I've asked her to go to counselling with me, but she refused... at first she said she's not going...now she told me she thinks counseling is a joke. I have been twice and learned a great deal so far. I tried telling her the reason we had problems was becuase both of us werent working. I take responsibility for lying to her, but she refuses that she has problems and its all my fault. So i dropped it and asked her if we could just stay seperated for awhile and that I leave her alone and only talk financials and kids with her. She agreed. Do you know what she is going through? Is there anything I can do other than sit back and wait for her to come around? </blockquote> Well, it's not like you can force her to do anything. That would be abuse. You've got several options, it seems to me. First, you can stay separated. Unfortunately, that's likely to hurt both of you. Second, the two of you can divorce. I despise divorce. It hurts. Lots. However, sometimes it really is the best thing to do. IF you do this, please don't become bitter. That way only creates horror and anger and pain. Third, you can try to reconcile with her. But, that takes two willing and involved people. If she refuses, she refuses. Do not accept any crocodile tears, either; if the two of you are to reconcile, both sides must be genuinely forgiving and apologetic. Whichever you do, you've got some other choices, too. You can continue down the road of personal counseling, or not. My thought is that you should. Whether you have an idealist's view of marriage or not, the communication skills and habits developed will help you in a later relationship. You can insist on being involved in your children's upbringing, or not. Again, I think you probably should. And you've likely got a myriad of other choices; these are off the top of my head at 1 am. Now, forget your emotions. Take a good hard look at what's going on. People don't leave just because their mate has "suddenly done something." They leave because some issue has been developing and festering for years. You might not even know what it is; SHE might not even know what it is. But until that issue is resolved, the chance for true reconciliation is abysmally small. I'm willing to bet, though, that the issue over which she left is self-reinforcing. That is, NO MATTER WHAT you do, good or bad, it will only reinforce the logic she uses to justify the separation. That type of thing goes like this: *** He's a liar. He's selfish. He doesn't care about me, only about himself. He only wants sex. Everything he does is about sex. He SAYS he wants to go to counseling to improve our marriage, but I know it's about sex. NO. He's apologizing. How nice. He still wants sex. NO. I won't be his whore. *** All it takes is the right (or wrong, depending on your point of view) set of statements that are *assumed as true*, and nothing you say or do will change her choices or her opinions. So, looking at it from just that perspective, I'd say she's chosen permanent separation or divorce as her options. For you to look at the marriage as anything other than that is wishful thinking at best. The only thing *you* can improve is *yourself.* Redbeard
Ms. DysFUNction Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 He Can't put his hand on what is making him do this!? What! I'm sure he can place about 5 fingers "around" why he's acting like such a dog. Is he going through some mid-life crisis? The Dude needs to absolutely cut all ties with former Mz. "T", no female friends unless you're there to chaperone. Dosent he have guy friends to hang out with. Draw the line, if he can't live by your rules you are better without him. He WILL do it again if he knows you'll let him get away with it and be "understanding." (GAG!) Life is way to short to play games. If you really want to keep this Dog, then put him on a leash and teach him to obey. I would recommend him wearing a "Male Chastity device." Just type it into your search engine then order one. Women Rule the Planet...... .......Deal with it Men!
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