doglover88 Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 I've been in a committed relationship with a man for 2 years. A few days ago, I casually happened to glance at his email while I was sitting next to him when I saw an email with the subject "Sweet call with a little girl" with 36 messages in the email thread. I immediately asked him what that was all about. He admitted to keeping in touch with a Vietnamese girl he dated while he was traveling through Vietnam (my boyfriend is Caucasian) but he said it was strictly platonic. They stopped seeing each other because my bf had to come back to the states for work, but have kept in touch for the past 3 years (2 of which we have been together). They exchange emails monthly. I was extremely uncomfortable seeing/hearing about this, so I asked him if I could read the messages. He reluctantly agreed. In the beginning, the messages were romantic, because my bf was still single at the time. They increasingly became more platonic from his end when we started dating. The Vietnamese girl knew about me as my bf brought me up a few times. However, it was very apparent she had somewhat strong feelings for him. Although my bf was only casually dating her, she compared their "story" to a movie she saw where 2 lovers have to part ways for work reasons but meet up after 5 years and still care about each other, but both may be leading their separate lives. She would also ask him deep questions about his life and share very personal information about hers. She talked about her past pain and would repeatedly tell my bf how his presence "changed her life." I then got to an email where they were talking about meeting up for lunch because she was in town. My bf never told me about it because he was afraid I'd say no, and met up with her for lunch behind my back (we were together 1.5 years at this time). I only found out while going through the emails. The last email she wrote to him was a long rant about how she thinks she'll never be loved again. The email ended with "I know how you would look at me if you were looking into my eyes right now..." I find this to be extremely disrespectful to me and our relationship. When I asked my bf to cut off contact with her, he said he needed time to "process it" because he really cares about her as a friend. He didn't think it was fair for me ask that of him. Am I being unreasonable or is my reaction completely valid? Thanks in advance, everyone, for your advice!
GTR King Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 Your being reasonable if he met her on holiday/work trip and stayed in touch as pen pals/friends etc that's fine... If they kept on flirting with each other e.g sexting/wanna meet up then that's not on... You should talk to him & tell him that your not happy 1
lurker74 Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 You are not being unreasonable. But I also think you should tread carefully before requiring he cut off all contact. I've had past romantic dealings with people to whom I am close and completely platonic and cutting them off would hurt me. I would do so for the right person but it would cost some degree of pain to me and therefore the relationship. However, boundaries are totally appropriate. It's good that he talks about you. But it's not good that you didn't know about the potential meet up. I would suggest that you go with him to the meet. Even try to be friends with her. If she continues to try to manipulate him afterward, I would suggest then that you require he cut contact...after you had tried to make things work. 1
smackie9 Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 Nope....not appropriate. I would find this unacceptable. 2
BC1980 Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 You're not wrong. She obviously has feelings for him, and I'm sure he knows this, which is why he hid the fact that they went to lunch.
kendahke Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 (edited) What are you going to do when you find out he's not going to put down this friendship? He may not want to give up the friendship he had with her before he knew you. 2 years invested, I would say you're not being unreasonable, but I would also say you need to figure out what your bottom line, "I will walk" issue is and be prepared to act on it. If this friendship is more than you can tolerate, then yes, speak up for yourself and be prepared to follow through with action that will not gut your position (gutting = saying you're fine, but then engaging in passive-aggressive behavior because the truth is: you're not OK with it, but are more afraid of being alone after speaking up for yourself than you are of being sick of putting up with him hiding stuff and carrying on), but do not be surprised if he starts hiding it now. Edited February 21, 2019 by kendahke
kendahke Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 When I asked my bf to cut off contact with her, he said he needed time to "process it" because he really cares about her as a friend. He didn't think it was fair for me ask that of him. Translation: He's not cutting anything off for you. That's his position and that's where you start with this. 3
olivetree Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 Doesn't sound completely platonic to me and is not acceptable at all. I'd not be okay with him "processing" his feelings as it shows he obviously doesn't get that their "friendship" is inappropriate. How is your relationship in general?
GraceAndJoy Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 Your reaction is completely valid. If he wishes to retain the friendship, she needs to be "friends of the couple." After all, if she is just a platonic friend, she would be supportive of his finding a loving, committed partner and she would be willing to become friends with that partner. That means you and he TOGETHER communicate with her, support her, or go out to lunch with her when she's in town. She cares about him and vice versa? They support each other's love lifes without threatening them. If he says this is absurd, it is because he knows she is in love with him. With that being the case, he can no longer be her "platonic friend" and he knows he is b.s.ing you. 1
ilikepotatoes33 Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 Nope, I wouldn't accept it! Many people would disagree with me, but I don't believe in friendship with someone I used to date or have feelings for, unless I still had feelings for that person. 1
emeraldgreen Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 She's holding on to her feelings for him, and he gets a pay off from that as well. But here's the thing about ultimatums - the people making them usually overestimate their own power. If you want to leave, leave. It's about what you're gonna do, not what he's gonna do or how you're gonna force him to do it. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 You are being reasonable. Question. Wtf your going to do if he says no to your request though?
Rockett Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 I dunno, I think you're almost being TOO forgiving. I get having friends of the opposite sex, even ones you used to date, but the way he went about this was pretty selfish- hiding the lunch meeting from you, because he knew you wouldn't be thrilled, carrying on with someone who still has strong feelings for him. It just seems to be all about him, and not about taking care of you or your relationship. It would be different if this was a woman that became a mutual friend, and you hung out together and everything was cool. This is like his secret penpal that he gets attention from. This would be a dealbreaker for me. 1
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