he's not looking for relationship

[kagal]

right from the beginning, he told me that he's not looking for a relationship. he was married for 13 years. then they divorced. his ex wife was the one who asked for the divorce. then he was single for 7 months. then he was in a relationship for about 3-4 years. that relationship ended and he was the one who ended it. and about 4 months later , we met.

 

about 2 weeks after we were seeing each other, he told me again , he's not looking for a relationship. about 1 month later, i talked to him about it again and he has now told me a 3rd time, that he's not looking for relationship.

 

but he's been seeing me once a week, every week. and he has asked me to spend NYE last year with him, and valentine day this year with him. and he's been taking me out on dates, paying for me and all and he celebrated my birthday with me. he send me pictures, text me, take me out on dates.

 

i don't know, should i walk away now or should i see where it goes? but it seems like it's pretty firm that he's not looking for relationship and i doubt he will change his mind. we have been seeing each other since mid dec 2018. so for about 2 months now . what should i do? please help.

[TheFinalWord]

It sounds like you're already in a relationship, in spirit, just not in name. Does it matter so much if you have the title, if you are doing all the things you would do in a relationship? He's just freaked out by the official labels. If you're only seeing each other and doing all these other things you described, you're essentially bf/gf.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

In this case I would not hold anything against the guy. He told you from the very start, he didn't want a relationship. It's your choice to stay, but no guarantee he will want a relationship. Be glad he isn't leading you on. Personally I wouldn't even consider someone who didn't want a relationship when I was dating.

[c1nderella]

I’ve learned from experience that when a guy says he’s not looking for a relationship ..believe him. There was a guy I dated for a few months years ago ..he told me he didn’t want a relationship and wanted to keep things casual. But he always texted me everyday and wanted me to sleep over his house almost everyday unless he had his kid for the weekend. We also would go on dates and I even met his friends we would hang out a lot.

 

I stuck around hoping he would start seeing me more like a gf but I started finding girls clothes in his room and jewelry.. he would say they were his sister that might have gotten mixed in his laundry....(yea right). One day I decided to snoop in and look into his phone. Wrong I know I wasn’t his gf to do this but I did. So come to find out he was talking to a few girls and was actually expecting another girl to come over if I didn’t spend the night that night. Don’t know how he was juggling these many girls when I was sleeping at his house 4-5 days a week.

 

Lesson learned.

[Alice82]

Dump him. Why should he get away with getting free pu**y from you and be able to use some lame excuse as to why it's ok for him to use women now-f-ing lame loser is all he is hon. Remember that about any low life who wants to do the act and not honor you properly. Tell him to find a hooker because you are not getting paid like one and that's all he treats women like anyways. He's a strike-one loser honey. Let him play with his own balls.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are wasting your time, OP.

 

He's told 3 times he doesn't want a relationship. What is it you're pretending (to yourself) not to know? You keep asking the same question and hoping for a different answer.

 

You're the placeholder until he meets a woman he wants to exclusively date. This means that, yes, you two will keep each other company - for now. Don't be surprised to learn that he is not seeing only you. If not at the moment, he is more than likely going to eventually. Why? Because he's been clear he's not your boyfriend. He is keeping the door open to meeting someone else.

 

I know you like him and are hoping his actions mean something more, but you need to hear what he is saying, and believe him.

[elaine567]

Stop writing the love story in your head.

He has made it plain he is dating you casually and does not see you as gf material for him.

He is getting regular sex, companionship and affection, the whole gf experience from you but he is keeping his options open and is probably seeing and sleeping with other women too.

If he wanted you, he would be trying to lock you down, not keep telling you he doesn't want a relationship. Men tend to put women in boxes so whilst you may think you have a chance if you just stick around, you most likely don't, as you have already been consigned to the "casual" box.

If you are happy with an NSA arrangement then great, but I guess you aren't, so just move on.

[PegNosePete]

When the right woman comes along he will want a relationship. He's made it clear that's not you.

 

He's keeping it casual so he can look around for other women, but in the meantime he wants to have fun with you.

 

If you're happy with that situation then carry on! But if you're wanting him to change his mind and be in a proper relationship with you, well you should move on because that's never going to happen, and the more attached you become the more hurt you will be.

[nodramallama]

When my (now) bf told me he wasn't ready to jump into another relationship, I told him I couldn't do a FWB situation and walked away.

 

I went on living my life, doing my thing, and didn't contact him.

 

It took him only 5 days to change his mind.

 

He only recently told me that the fact that I was willing to walk away from him, despite having a crush on him for over 6 months prior, spoke volumes to him about how much value I placed on myself and what I wanted in a relationship.

 

Sometimes you need to teach people how to treat you, even if it means letting go of the relationship.

[BaileyB]

So basically, he’s happy to date you, to have your companionship, to have sex with you perhaps... but you shouldn’t expect anything more from him. He’s not interested in anything serious or long term.

 

This arrangement meets his needs. Does it meet yours?

 

My boyfriend told me the same thing many years ago. I thanked him for his honesty, told him that I did want a relationship, and then told him that I would no longer go out with him... it was too hard, knowing that I wanted more and he wasn’t prepared to do that. I also wanted to be free to meet someone who wanted to date, if that person did come along.

 

A year and a half later, he emailed again and said he was in a much different place. He had his stuff together after his divorce and he was ready for more... we have been together for three years now.

 

Sometimes you do need to teach people how to treat you. Good luck.

[Redhead14]

Believe his words . . . he does not want a committed relationship. No one really likes to spend NYE alone or Valentine's Day. He may like you very much, he may even love you, but he does not want marriage or even living together. He doesn't want to jump from woman to woman either.

 

He is what I call a Quality Casual Guy. He wants a woman in his life. He will introduce you to his family and friends, he will include you in most of his life. He will treat you like a queen but he will never marry you. You will be the perpetual girlfriend. And, he isn't doing anything wrong. He's been honest with you. But, he will always be "one foot in, one foot out" and that will start to wear on you eventually if you aren't honest with yourself about what you really want and believing what he's told you.

 

So, if you really want marriage, then you need to cut bait now. Don't string yourself along. When words and actions don't match, believe the words.

 

"Hey, Xname, I've really been enjoying the time we've spent together but I heard you when you said you weren't looking for a relationship. I need to move on because we don't want the same thing. All the best to you."

[smackie9]

Once a week is just dating. Spending NYE together is just dating, sharing pics is just dating. There is nothing that you posted that says "relationship". Yes you are wasting your time, stop seeing him.

[angelfire138]

A lot of people have hit the nail on the head. I don't waste my time with guys who explicitly tell me they don't want a relationship, unless I'm not at the time, either.

 

But this happened twice in a row to a good friend of mine. The first guy strung her along, saying he didn't know what he wanted, but was happy to get free sex and companionship from her when it suited him. Only after a year, and after she confronted him, he said he wasn't in a good place to be in a relationship. The second guy acted a lot like yours, essentially acting like a boyfriend and seemed like a genuine, good guy. But told her he wasn't ready for a relationship and just wanted to keep casually dating. Wanted to be free to see other women if they came along. She held on but eventually realized he wasn't going to change his mind and left him. This was fairly recently so it remains to be seen whether he will change his mind later on.

 

Bottom line...when he says he doesn't want a relationship, believe him, no matter how he acts. Cause if you find out he's still keeping his options open, he can just say "well I told you, and we're not exclusive/bf/gf so..."

[kendahke]

right from the beginning, he told me that he's not looking for a relationship.

about 2 weeks after we were seeing each other, he told me again , he's not looking for a relationship.

 

about 1 month later, i talked to him about it again and he has now told me a 3rd time, that he's not looking for relationship.

 

I"m not sure how many times you have to be told that he doesn't want relationship obligations to you... He is good for FWB/F-buddies/belly warming on demand, but all the stuff that you're trying to make this into? No, sis.

 

but he's been seeing me once a week, every week. and he has asked me to spend NYE last year with him, and valentine day this year with him. and he's been taking me out on dates, paying for me and all and he celebrated my birthday with me. he send me pictures, text me, take me out on dates.

 

NONE. OF. THAT. means that he wants the obligation of relationship with you. All of that is just stuff to do/ways to kill time/fight off boredom.

 

i don't know, should i walk away now or should i see where it goes? but it seems like it's pretty firm that he's not looking for relationship and i doubt he will change his mind. we have been seeing each other since mid dec 2018. so for about 2 months now . what should i do? please help

 

How many years of your youth are you willing to squander behind this guy--years and youth you'll never get back--waiting for him to change a mind that seems like a steel trap on this point.

 

He's not going to change his mind about you. If you don't mind having a casual, NSA, FWB arrangement, then keep your expectations on a really, really tight leash and muzzle--because you are well aware of what is up with him and are trying really hard not to see it or believe it.

[olivetree]

I think that it is more likely to lead to a relationship if you let him go and he decides he wants a relationship than if you continue on as you are.

 

When someone sees you settling for less than you want, the attraction goes down.

You walking away and standing up for what you want and him approaching you when he is ready is the best position for you to be in.

 

So I'd walk away and move on.

If he gets in touch later and you're still interested, maybe something can happen then.

[jess060191]

RUN!!!! Before you start getting deeply into him and catch feelings for him...

 

I had the same situation happen to me, treated me the way a girlfriend should be treated, even asked me to move in with him. But would REFUSE to call me his girlfriend. He would always say that he told me from day 1 that he did not want a relationship and that this shouldn't be shocking news to me. I eventually walked away, now this same guy is in a relationship. The same guy who said he did not want a relationship.

[thatgirl10000]

Like most people here have said, when a guy tells you he’s not looking for a relationship, BELIEVE HIM. I learned that lesson the hard way. I had a non-relationship that seeemed like a relationship that lasted for one year, and it never turned into a real relationship. He did tell me from the beginning, though, that he wasn’t looking for one, but I just chose not to believe him. Big mistake. I was the one who broke up with him when I finally realized it was never going to be what I wanted it to be, but man, that was heartbreaking.

 

 

Cut your losses and free yourself up to find someone who wants a relationship.

[mortensorchid]

Keep your options open. He's not going to come around despite what you want.

[chillii]

Yeah no wonder he doesn't want one right now he's had no time at all as yet after everything that's happened and divorce and the last one, he'd be crazy jumpin in again so soon.

l'd say it could go either way later once he's had time to catch his breath.

Could end up his just not feeling it enough anyway orrr, maybe the go slow helps him get he's bearings again and he starts getting into it later.

But really , he needs a good year or two now if he's got any sense.

[elaine567]

RUN!!!! Before you start getting deeply into him and catch feelings for him...

 

I had the same situation happen to me, treated me the way a girlfriend should be treated, even asked me to move in with him. But would REFUSE to call me his girlfriend. He would always say that he told me from day 1 that he did not want a relationship and that this shouldn't be shocking news to me. I eventually walked away, now this same guy is in a relationship. The same guy who said he did not want a relationship.

 

 

He did not want a relationship WITH YOU.

That is usually the main problem with this type of a guy.

There is something about you(gen) that he does not see as gf/wife/LTpartner material. That is why so many of these kind of guys break up with you and almost immediately get into a relationship, get engaged, even get married to someone else.

They liked the regular sex, they liked the attention, the affection, the "gf experience", but they did not see in you something long term or serious.

[chillii]

Yeah unfortunately that's a big possibility too. But as say with my gf for example , my scenario was almost the same as his yet she's everything l could ever want but l did genuinely just need to take it slow because of time and the wariness of starting up something new again so soon , if ever.

Edited February 20, 2019 by chillii

[Tamfana]

If you two are just a no-strings sex partners, be dating other people then break up with him when you find someone you're interested in.

[allofme]

Yeah unfortunately that's a big possibility too. But as say with my gf for example , my scenario was almost the same as his yet she's everything l could ever want but l did genuinely just need to take it slow because of time and the wariness of starting up something new again so soon , if ever.

 

Did you tell her you weren’t ready or you don’t want a relationship tho. I had similar things with my ex. At one point I told him I want a relationship with him eventually but not now as I needed time to get to know him and take it slow. He took it as I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t serious about him. We broke up eventually. We never had the title but we were basically in a relationship (exclusive, met families and friends etc).

[fred123]

Did you tell her you weren’t ready or you don’t want a relationship tho. I had similar things with my ex. At one point I told him I want a relationship with him eventually but not now as I needed time to get to know him and take it slow. He took it as I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t serious about him. We broke up eventually. We never had the title but we were basically in a relationship (exclusive, met families and friends etc).

 

how long were u dating for when you had that convo?

[elaine567]

Did you tell her you weren’t ready or you don’t want a relationship tho. I had similar things with my ex. At one point I told him I want a relationship with him eventually but not now as I needed time to get to know him and take it slow. He took it as I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t serious about him. We broke up eventually. We never had the title but we were basically in a relationship (exclusive, met families and friends etc).

 

 

 

But the whole "I do not want to be in a relationship" is usually taken as

"I am not serious about you.

I am keeping my options open.

I am happy with the fun, the sex, the companionship, but I see no future with you.

If I get the chance, I will see and sleep with other people too.

If I find someone better I will dump you in a instant..."

 

Anyone who wants to take things to a deeper level will avoid such a person like the plague as they are not on the same page.