Estelita91 Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 Hello everyone, I've been on four dates with a guy and I'm 26, he's 28. We have so much fun and communication is really easy, we talk on the phone until 5 am sometimes as well and our dates last for hours just talking. He has said a couple of things that are a bit of a red flag. He keeps going on about being liberal and open with sex, even though he wanted a long term commitment with his ex . He said that at the beginning with her, he was only looking for casual and nothing serious but that's how he usually starts. He asked me what my intentions were and I said I want to go with the flow, get to know him as friendship is very important to me, and take it from there but that I fancy him, which he said made him happy and he was smiling. He said he was badly hurt by his ex, they broke up in November, so feels apathy which made me feel strange. He said he wanted to be open and honest with me, that that's how he feels right now, just quite numb, but that he feels chemistry with me and wants to find out more about me. I said that if he's clear that he feels apathy and he doesn't see this going anywhere then perhaps we should stop seeing each other. He then said I was putting limitations on this (not sure why). We are both away on holiday now, and he suggested we not speak but instead think about what we want, and then meet next week and talk about it. But he's actually been texting me everyday on his holiday with photos and other comments to our previous conversations, and flirting calling me his cute cat. Is this a red flag? Is he afraid? Any insights appreciated, thank you
preraph Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 Sounds like he's still closed off emotionally -- if he was ever open. I mean, he may just be wanting sex and not at all ready for a relationship. I'd take it slow and see if there's anything there at all. 1
kendahke Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 He keeps going on about being liberal and open with sex, even though he wanted a long term commitment with his ex. What does he mean by "liberal and open with sex"? He is open about talking about it or he's for no limitations within a relationship? That is something you need to get clear on with a quickness. He said that at the beginning with her, he was only looking for casual and nothing serious but that's how he usually starts. Yeah, he's got a point--that is how most relationships usually start. I don't think it's a red flag, but I also don't believe you'll be served by diving head first into this, either. You need to slow your roll and make sure what he says matches his actions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions...
olivetree Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 I would be weary of dating someone who admits they are numb. Sounds like he's still not really over the breakup. Not necessarily that he wants to be with his ex but he obviously still has some emotions he needs to work through. He's pretty much admitted to being emotionally unavailable, which does not usually end well for the other person. So proceed with caution or abort. Up to you. 1
FMW Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 The red flag is that it's only been three months since his previous relationship ended. He's not healed and ready to be fully emotionally available right now. He's just being honest with you about it. I'm sure he wants to be with you, but it's normal that he's not ready to be all in right now. If you truly do want to just go with the flow then do that, keeping in mind he's still working through some things. Don't invest too deeply in the relationship right now. 1
hippychick3 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 RED FLAG...run!! Anyone who tells you they feel apathy and numb is absolutely not emotionally available or relationship material. Please cut ties and move on now before you become emotionally invested with the wrong person. I know men like this. They do not change.
Cfgrace Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 I agree with the other posts that say he is not emotionally ready if he's using words like "numb" to describe his current state. He's not ready to date. I'm also concerned that in continuing to contact you while you are both "thinking" on holiday, it shows how lonely he is post-relationship and I'm afraid he may be using you to fill that void. Sounds like an emotional rollercoaster for you if you allow him to string you along by having these long and meaningful conversations with you growing stronger feelings when he is not on the same track. My advice would be to tell him that you don't think that you're both in the same place. I would cut things off now, and maybe, once he's ready in the future and if you're still available, there may still be a spark between you.
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