Redhead14 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) <snip> Do I just start no contact or give him an explanation which he will probably tell me to screw off anyway because he’s always right. I’m not sure how to handle this. I want to do the right thing. Listen, you don't owe this guy anything. Nothing. He isn't "committed" to you. He doesn't even respect you. Block, delete, forget. If anyone deserves to be ghosted, it's him. Trust me. He is the type of guy who will do anything, say anything to keep you on a string for no other reason than to prove to himself that he can. Give him a Red Suppository . . . Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 4
damni Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) After poster above said something about red pill I just researched it. I had no idea what this was. <snip> If you Google search PUA forum and red pill forum, the guys post on there and you can get tips on their inner workings and how best to avoid them in the future. Once you know how they work, it's easy to dump them pretty early on as long as you can see the red flags instead of getting involved in their mind games. I would just text him it's over and block. Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 2
Author TrueRomance Posted February 20, 2019 Author Posted February 20, 2019 Listen, you don't owe this guy anything. Nothing. He isn't "committed" to you. He doesn't even respect you. Block, delete, forget. If anyone deserves to be ghosted, it's him. Trust me. He is the type of guy who will do anything, say anything to keep you on a string for no other reason than to prove to himself that he can. Give him a Red Suppository . . . Thank you redhead! I do not owe him anything and for all I know he is ghosting me by saying you can’t live here but we aren’t breaking up. Everyone here is so great and empowering. I know I say it like it will be easy but I will get through. I went through hell and back years ago with a narc and never thought I would get over it. even though you know they are bad those good memories tend to pop up but what about the kicking out, red pill BS, etc. those are things I need to remind myself over and over. 2
kendahke Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) He told me if I was willing to let a good relationship go First off, THIS. ISN'T. A. GOOD. RELATIONSHIP., so letting go of it is a very good thing indeed. He's the one who hasn't gotten the memo on that. If being married is important to you, then stick to that and get rid of people who don't feel as you do--more people get mired into mediocrity behind doing what other people expect/want in order to make those other people's lives easier, not their own. Then decades go by and you wonder why your blood pressure is skyrocketing and you're angry all the time. Live authentically and be true to yourself. If you consider yourself to be broken up, then you are. You don't need his permission for anything. If he contacts you, tell him that you're no longer interested in being with him and it's over for you. He can keep doing what he's been doing and you'll go do your own thing. Since he thinks his stock rises, then he can go cash in on that bluster ROI. Edited February 20, 2019 by kendahke 1
Redhead14 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Thank you redhead! I do not owe him anything and for all I know he is ghosting me by saying you can’t live here but we aren’t breaking up. Everyone here is so great and empowering. I know I say it like it will be easy but I will get through. I went through hell and back years ago with a narc and never thought I would get over it. even though you know they are bad those good memories tend to pop up but what about the kicking out, red pill BS, etc. those are things I need to remind myself over and over. And, don't spend even one minute pining away/fretting over this guy. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over you at all.
Author TrueRomance Posted February 20, 2019 Author Posted February 20, 2019 Thank you redhead! Unfortunately I’m so mad and wanting to just tell him off but really where will that get me? Him laughing at me and calling me a typical woman. Instead of starting a new thread what can I do besides read, talk, and stay busy That will help with NC? He lives so close to me and we have so many mutual friends I Would probably have a panic attack running into him. I have read some tips in the NC section but what advice do you have that will help keep me strong? In my heart I know that he isn’t the right one but I find downtime I think of him and how I want to tell him how much he hurt me and made me feel like a piece of trash. Thank you again for helping me through this. I’m starting to think I’m crazy for even wanting to reach out and tell him how I feel. I didn’t do it but I have the urge which frightens me. It’s a snow day here and I’m cooped up and I think once I can get back out I will feel a lot better. And, don't spend even one minute pining away/fretting over this guy. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over you at all.
edgygirl Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Either he is just an ahole who doesn't care about you or your feelings, or he's an avoidant... wants intimacy and closeness, but when he actually gets it, it scares him and he tries to "escape". It's really hard for avoidants to fix their issue. Either way, doesn't sound promising. 1
Redhead14 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 There is something that has worked for some clients -- Give yourself a set time every day, say 15 minutes to half an hour, to sit with your emotions, feel them, cry, scream into a pillow, journal. But don't let yourself get too overwhelmed. At the end of that time, you force yourself to think about and/or do something else -- anything else. Over time, you will find that you need/take less time for that. It's kinda like a tea kettle -- letting out a little steam gradually so it doesn't spill over. Rearrange your apartment, go out and get new curtains, a new bedspread. Go shopping for something you've always wanted or just something new (don't go on a wild spending spree though). Make a nail appointment, if you feel like calling him, or a car repair appointment. Get a new haircut. Do some nice things for yourself. And no negative self-talk. None. Again, this guy does not deserve to have a woman upset over him. He didn't earn that in any way shape or form. If this guy had been good to you, talking about marriage, planning a life with you, sure. But, not this POS. He's not a good person, really. With the attitude you say he has, I think the Taliban might recruit him 1
Author TrueRomance Posted February 20, 2019 Author Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) Oh my goodness you are just wonderful! I wish I could give you a hug. I hope I’m not being too much asking for so much advice but you have some great advice as well as gave me a chuckle with that last comment. It’s funny you say plan life . I couldn’t get him to make a plan even a week in advance to save his life. He always was worried something better would come along. I’m going to think about all this if I feel like shouting at him. Much thanks Redhead! Almost a year and a half of my spirit being broken down you made me feel like myself again if even for a moment. I know I will have more bad moments but it’s time to take care of me. There is something that has worked for some clients -- Give yourself a set time every day, say 15 minutes to half an hour, to sit with your emotions, feel them, cry, scream into a pillow, journal. But don't let yourself get too overwhelmed. At the end of that time, you force yourself to think about and/or do something else -- anything else.<snip> Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Author TrueRomance Posted February 20, 2019 Author Posted February 20, 2019 I thought the same thing about the avoidant thing as well because as soon as I feel like we are getting close. Boom he starts ridiculous arguments. Now I think he is truly an aHole Either he is just an ahole who doesn't care about you or your feelings, or he's an avoidant... wants intimacy and closeness, but when he actually gets it, it scares him and he tries to "escape". It's really hard for avoidants to fix their issue. Either way, doesn't sound promising.
Redhead14 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 or he's an avoidant... wants intimacy and closeness, but when he actually gets it, Nah, not this guy. He's not afraid. Based on the attitude he displayed by throwing her out and the red pill reference, he feels entitled to intimacy. He wants intimacy but he doesn't want any responsibility, respect or emotion attached to it. 2
basil67 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 First up, he threw you out - this is a breakup, so you don't owe him a breakup message. Now, about your stuff. How much stuff needs to come out of the house? Do you need a removalist van or could you do it with a car? Does he work regular hours? I'm hoping you can go to the house when he's not there and collect your things without having to speak with him. And for what it's worth, the more I read about his behaviour, he's most certainly not an alpha. He's a whiny little boy. 1
Redhead14 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 OP, I lost just about everything I owned in a fire a few years ago. That sucked. But I found out just what I needed and didn't need. In the end, I still have everything I want and need - ME and my kids/family, friends, etc. There wasn't anything that was in that house that I would have run back into the fire to get. What exactly is so important back where you used to live with him that you should put yourself back into a situation where you have to deal with him for any reason? If there really is something important enough, send some friends to get it/them. Don't put yourself in a position of being triggered, abused, etc. If you go yourself, bring a couple of friends, including a male. If I were you, I'd leave it, leave it all and start over. 1
Author TrueRomance Posted February 20, 2019 Author Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) Oh Basil and Red he told me to get all my stuff that night. Meanwhile I wasn’t fit to drive (wouldn’t want to risk hurting anyone or myself) so I plopped down on his couch and said I will be out in the morning. He’s notorious for doing it at weird hours knowing it will be hard for me. Thankfully since he wouldn’t even make a drawer for me I lived out of a suitcase and some bins so I got everything that morning I’m about 10 minutes. I’m pretty sure he is just saying we aren’t broken up so he can do as he pleases thinking I’m going to be waiting around for him. Not anymore! Don’t want to even think of entertaining the dating pool right now because I would like to read up more on things and improve my character flaws. When he calls he won’t be able to get through. I doubt he will, “he’s such a catch and I’m lucky to have him remember?” Maybe he will find someone more worthy of his presence. :::eye roll::: Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Redhead14 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Don’t want to even think of entertaining the dating pool right now because I would like to read up more on things and improve my character flaws. Did you seriously just say that??????? No negative self-talk!!!!!. There is nothing wrong with you that caused this guy to be a do*che!!!!!! You shouldn't date right now for no other reason that for you to focus on you and only you for quite some time. You deserve some ME time that is all about you and nothing else. 1
kendahke Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 In my heart I know that he isn’t the right one but I find downtime I think of him and how I want to tell him how much he hurt me and made me feel like a piece of trash. Tear that fantasy out of your mind--it's not going to end up the way you imagine. He doesn't care that he's hurt you and made you feel like trash--if he did, he wouldn't 1. engage in behavior that causes this and 2. wouldn't gaslight you when you tell him how his actions make you feel. I’m starting to think I’m crazy for even wanting to reach out and tell him how I feel. I didn’t do it but I have the urge which frightens me. It’s a snow day here and I’m cooped up and I think once I can get back out I will feel a lot better. Misguided more than crazy---because you're investing in a fantasy that's not going to play out the way you imagine--and all that's going to do is reaffirm to him that eh's right: you're the one with the problem and not him. Mainly because he's not trying to hear that from you, so don't waste energy and time feeding this fantasy. When you get those urges to talk to him, just remember what he told you and how it made you feel. That should turn you off to the idea of hearing more of that mess from him.
basil67 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 He wouldn't even give you a drawer?? Good riddance. I'm glad you're starting to find your anger. It is what will sustain you through this breakup period. Yes, you will waver between missing the good days and being sad, but run with the anger. In time, it will fade - but for now embrace it. Have you blocked him on your phone and social media yet? Taking control of your situation is the next step. 1
Recommended Posts