TrueRomance Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 (edited) Hey everyone! I’m so glad I found this forum. I am going to try and make things short and sweet but I’m so long winded it might not happen that way. I met an amazing man last year and 97% of the time we get along great but there have been times that both of us have gone out and we have overdone it with the alcohol and end up talking late night and then a fight ensues. I sometimes say stuff I do not mean and he also does but every time it happens he kicks me out. Btw I moved in with him not to long ago but there is also a catch he has stated he doesn’t see the point of marriage and is a very alpha male. So sometimes I get exhausted at always bringing him up because I know he can be insecure but I don’t receive the same. I know I say these things during fights because of this built up resentment. This has happened several times in the past year where he has told me to leave and our relationship just resets. Is he emotionally unavailable? I am in no means perfect but don’t rational people talk after arguments? Not just discard like trash? I told him this partying has got to stop because I do not like it but he does and I think at our age it’s unhealthy and just causing trouble. Right now I am living at my parents. I do love him but don’t know if I’m wasting my time with an unavailable man. Every time we get close and I feel like he is starting to open up this happens. If I can provide anymore detail please feel free to ask questions. It’s hard to sum up a whole year and. Half relationship into a paragraph but right now I’m feeling hopeless, dignity is lost and my self esteem is practically non existent because I felt like I have a lot into this relationship meanwhile I feel like I’m disposable to him. Also the fights are not me coming out and verbally calling him names it eventually comes down to that between us but it’s always a topic that really should have been discussed when sober. Edited February 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 Learn to recognize the downward spiral & back off before the fight starts. 2
Author TrueRomance Posted February 19, 2019 Author Posted February 19, 2019 Thank you I will take that advice but can I get your opinion? Is kicking me out after a fight like that normal? I feel like that isn’t a valid reason and I have never lived with a man who did that no matter how bad it got. I think it’s a bit controlling? This isn’t a kick me out for the night kind of thing it’s kick me out and leave until I allow you to be back in my life. It just makes me feel unstable and not secure. I’m just wondering if it will get better. I can’t promise we won’t argue but I also do want to be able to stand my ground if I have to without threats like well if you don’t like it leave.
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 It's rather dramatic but if this has happened more then once, I'd never let it happen again. I'd date somebody with actual conflict resolution skills. 2
Author TrueRomance Posted February 19, 2019 Author Posted February 19, 2019 It's rather dramatic but if this has happened more then once, I'd never let it happen again. I'd date somebody with actual conflict resolution skills. Thank you. I think it is too. I guess this is a great time to figure out if I want to continue this relationship or not which is the hard part. I care but I don’t want fights or disagreements to end in me having to pack up my stuff and leave. I have never dealt with this before and I have even told him but he is stubborn.
preraph Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 He doesn't want to keep you bad enough to work through your problems, plus he really isn't into a married state anyway, so I'd say you are kind of wasting your time. I mean, if he doesn't care if you're there or not enough to work out issues -- or stop partying and drinking (both of you), then he's just not willing to try and doesn't care. I think you should start dating other people. If you can put up with him and still love him, I bet you can find and love someone who treats you a bit better just as well. Do it before you wind up pregnant and are stuck with him for life and he's kicking you and the kid out. 2
kendahke Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 How to deal with a man who won’t be rational? I don't. I leave them where they stand. 4
Gretchen12 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 A man can only kick me out once. (Not once in a year, not once in 10 years, just once.) You went back too easily so of course he'll do it again. 2
Redhead14 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Sweetie, the first time he kicked you out should have been the last time. Do not go back to him. He is showing you who and how he really is. That is abusive and manipulative. Next time you talk to him, you tell him you are moving on. This will happen over and over if you allow it. Don't get into this cycle. This is a toxic relationship. 3
spiderowl Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 He wants to be free to part and so on. He's not ready for settling down. If he was, you would know about it. You are better off out of this relationship and looking forward to meeting someone else. 2
brokenblade Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) One thing, if he has to say he is an "alpha male", he isn't. Also, very insecure? That's not a sign of an alpha. All you can do is move on and let him be this "Alpha" thing with all the drama that is going on. You might want to think about healthy ways to move forward as well. One thing that could help is surrounding yourself with people who will support you and at the same time hold you accountable. Edited February 20, 2019 by brokenblade 3
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 I would not tolerate a man kicking me out 2
Author TrueRomance Posted February 20, 2019 Author Posted February 20, 2019 Thank you everyone for the encouraging words. I guess I kind of wanted to make things work so bad and in the process I lost my dignity as well as myself as a whole. I know I’m not perfect and I know no one is but you are all right. I need to move on. He has already said he won’t marry again And I almost broke up with him not to give him an ultimatum or try to sway him otherwise it was purely because I didn’t see the point. He told me if I was willing to let a good relationship go for a piece of paper it made me feel like I was stupid but the right guy will want to get married. I know some relationships work perfectly fine without marriage but it’s something I feel strongly about. Thank you all for the supportive words. I’m really happy I can get some insight because i tend to get blinded by love and really I think I was just being manipulated. Hindsight is always 20/20 1
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Basically, you moved in with a party boy who doesn’t believe in marriage and doesn’t care to develop the relationship skills to communicate and resolve conflict... And yet, you want him to communicate with you, stop partying, and commit to a long term relationship (ie. marriage). I’m sorry to be sarcastic, but it doesn’t sound like he is the only person being irrational. Nothing wrong with what you want. You are just not likely to find it with your current partner. 2
Juha Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Can't be rational with someone who is irrational. Very easy to fix...Do not bother with irrational people. Dump this dud and find someone who does not have issues like this and really wants to be with you. Don't accept poor behavior over and over... I wish you the best 2
Author TrueRomance Posted February 20, 2019 Author Posted February 20, 2019 Basically, you moved in with a party boy who doesn’t believe in marriage and doesn’t care to develop the relationship skills to communicate and resolve conflict... And yet, you want him to communicate with you, stop partying, and commit to a long term relationship (ie. marriage). I’m sorry to be sarcastic, but it doesn’t sound like he is the only person being irrational. Nothing wrong with what you want. You are just not likely to find it with your current partner. He has told me he has wanted to stop partying so much in the past but never showed any sign of stopping. He self medicates because he says he has Ptsd but honestly there are many other ways of coping with that than drinking so excessively. I May be irrational as well but he didn’t start getting this bad with the alcohol til recently and his health is declining because of the drinking. Mental and physical. I definitely know now he is not the one. Can’t change someone but I can change the situation and leave.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 I act like this when I don’t care about a relationship or friendship. I feel that resolving a conflict is not worth my effort. 1
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 I definitely know now he is not the one. Can’t change someone but I can change the situation and leave. Amen! I’m glad you know this now and don’t come to understand this when you share a mortgage and are raising two kids...
damni Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 My ex used to kick me out when we argued. This was a huge red flag as he turned out to be very abusive. Also I wonder if your boyfriend is a PUA, red pill guy? They are very anti marriage and commitment. Act very masculine and use the pull-push approach with women. These guys are emotionally stunted and you should run asap. Don't waste anymore time. 2
Author TrueRomance Posted February 20, 2019 Author Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) Wow this is all to similar. He told me his dad was abusive to him as a child and was surprised his mother never left him because of it. He swears tries to be aware of it but I think some traits are starting to come out in him. Also red pill as in the movie? I’m not sure if that’s what you are talking about but he has tried to get me to watch it before but never took a look. My ex used to kick me out when we argued. This was a huge red flag as he turned out to be very abusive. <snip> Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote
nodramallama Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 He told me if I was willing to let a good relationship go for a piece of paper it made me feel like I was stupid but the right guy will want to get married. But this is not a good relationship. Not for you. 1
Redhead14 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 He told me if I was willing to let a good relationship go for a piece of paper it made me feel like I was stupid but the right guy will want to get married. I would have said, "I might agree with you, except this isn't a good relationship and wouldn't be worth the cost of a piece of paper even if it got that far". 1
Wallysbears Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 There's a saying "what you permit, you promote". You've allowed and encouraged his bad behavior by permitting it. 1
smackie9 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 There's a saying "what you permit, you promote". You've allowed and encouraged his bad behavior by permitting it. I was thinking the same thing...... Also we are only getting your side/perspective of the story....maybe you are the one who won't rationalize and possibly don't see it.
Author TrueRomance Posted February 20, 2019 Author Posted February 20, 2019 After poster above said something about red pill I just researched it. I had no idea what this was. He started watching all these you tube videos and pretty much thinks like a red piller. He makes the statements all the time that my stock is lost and his goes up because he’s a man and women only want alpha males. Seriously thank you for all your help. I was jaded, naive, and should have run. I’m sick to my stomach because a lot of the things I just red he has said and I’m just like you can’t be serious. Time away from him has allowed me to even post here and talk to people. I know he has done me wrong and says we aren’t broken up. Do I just start no contact or give him an explanation which he will probably tell me to screw off anyway because he’s always right. I’m not sure how to handle this. I want to do the right thing. I was thinking the same thing...... Also we are only getting your side/perspective of the story....maybe you are the one who won't rationalize and possibly don't see it.
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