He told me I am the one and that he loves me after 2 months!

[Ariesgirly]

Hey Everyone,

 

So I posted on here a few times before. I have been dating this man for about 10 weeks (a week or two before Christmas) He is 30 years old and I am 32. When we first talked about relationship history he told me he has only loved 2 people before (his high school GF and a girl in law school about 5 years ago). He said he takes love very seriously and would never say it just to say it and he's always known exactly what he is looking for and refuses to settle. He also previously dated a girl for over a year in 2016-2017 that he never said I love you to, so needless to say I was convinced I was going to have to wait a while or this guy would be hard to win over.

 

My relationship history I have a tendency to have dated guys who love bomb me quickly with constant communication, tell me they love me, then fall out of love just as fast with me. So, the beginning of this relationship had little communication when we were apart and it threw me for a loop. I was convinced he didn't like me and was going crazy (see past posts). Per my last post the last few weeks he seemed to be getting super serious about me and I was wondering if he wanted to be serious with me (last post)

 

Anyways, he went above and beyond for Valentines day. He made me a multiple course dinner, candles, flowers, bought concert tickets and had made me a scavenger hunt with little cards that had his feelings and clues to the next card, that ended with a gold coin his father gave him as a child. I did not understand the meaning of it but assumed it meant something. The next night we went to the concert and when we got home after a few drinks he professed his love to me with tears in his eyes. I of course waited to bring it up to him the next day when he was sober and he told me he wants to use that gold coin to make a ring in the future and he knows I am the one because he has never felt this connected and comfortable with anyone.

 

At the time I was very flattered and I feel the same way, but then my fears started creeping in. My last relationship that had an "I love you" came quickly as well from him and 3 months later he told me he didn't love me and cold heartedly dumped me on a vacation. Although he treated me very differently from this guy and we had totally opposite lifestyles and futures, I can't help but worry this guy has no idea what he is doing. I want to believe him because he doesn't use the term loosely but can you know if someone is the one this quickly???

Edited February 19, 2019 by Ariesgirly

[central]

I fell in love with my wife within a couple of months, but didn't say much because of exactly the concern you're stating. A few months later, we were clearly both on the same page. Anyway, it's possible he knows his own mind and feelings here, especially if he has had sufficient dating experience with a variety of women in the recent past. I certainly knew a great match when I found one, and I had a good basis for comparison to be sure. So, I guess YOU can take things slowly, and see what happens. YOU don't have to respond in kind, and can simply say that it's too soon for you to know, and time will tell.

[Hopeful30]

Your instincts are right. This guy doesn't sound like good news, especially since you have a history of attracting this type of man. I would proceed with caution or cut him off completely if I were you.

[preraph]

> He said he takes love very seriously and would never say it just to say it and he's always known exactly what he is looking for and refuses to settle. >

 

 

That's the clue, bolded above. He's always known exactly what he was looking for because he has, like many people have, an "ideal woman" in his head. So going into a relationship, if the woman at all resembles this ideal woman, he projects the ideal woman's (his preferences) onto her and he falls in love. The "ideal woman" in his head doesn't really exist, though. So the longer he is with the real woman (much longer than 2 months to get to know someone), the more he realizes she does not match the "ideal woman," but often his insight will be inadequate such that he doesn't realize what's he's doing, so it will be, "I don't know what happened to her. When I met her, she was perfect, but she changed."

 

People who have fewer specific expectations and can just get to know other people do better at love than these slightly delusional love-bombers.

 

So slow him down. You should even bring this subject up sometime. You should make sure you let him know who you really are and not just try to match his expectations. Good luck.

 

So your instincts are correct. You should never ignore your instincts. They are built upon thousands of years of female survival.

[Ariesgirly]

preraph What I was saying is that he has not love bombed me like the others. If anything he's different than anyone else because The guys I have dated in the past are texting and calling me like crazy from the moment they met me where this one was not. Sometimes my texts or phone calls would go unreturned in the first few weeks. Its only been in the last 2-3 weeks things seemed to take a turn. I was also out of town for a wedding for 4 days earlier this month and I feel like that was a turning point for him and he missed me a lot.

 

We have spent a significant amount of time together- about 4 days a week and he has seen me cry, get upset, have high maintenance moments and he still says that those things don't bother him.

[kendahke]

preraph What I was saying is that he has not love bombed me like the others. If anything he's different than anyone else because The guys I have dated in the past are texting and calling me like crazy from the moment they met me where this one was not. Sometimes my texts or phone calls would go unreturned in the first few weeks. Its only been in the last 2-3 weeks things seemed to take a turn. I was also out of town for a wedding for 4 days earlier this month and I feel like that was a turning point for him and he missed me a lot.

 

We have spent a significant amount of time together- about 4 days a week and he has seen me cry, get upset, have high maintenance moments and he still says that those things don't bother him.

 

I'd maintain your current speed and keep with the wait and observe course you're currently on. If he is consistent in his feelings, his actions will bear that out.

[FMW]

Enjoy it, but don't rush into any big decisions (moving in together, marriage). No reason to stress out but don't get too comfortable and secure with things just yet. Time will tell.

[preraph]

preraph What I was saying is that he has not love bombed me like the others. If anything he's different than anyone else because The guys I have dated in the past are texting and calling me like crazy from the moment they met me where this one was not. Sometimes my texts or phone calls would go unreturned in the first few weeks. Its only been in the last 2-3 weeks things seemed to take a turn. I was also out of town for a wedding for 4 days earlier this month and I feel like that was a turning point for him and he missed me a lot.

 

We have spent a significant amount of time together- about 4 days a week and he has seen me cry, get upset, have high maintenance moments and he still says that those things don't bother him.

 

When I said "love bomb," I wasn't talking about texting. I was talking about saying you're the one after two months and all that elaborate Valentine's thing. His pace is freaking you out, so don't let him move too fast. You can't possibly know him well yet. At some point, he won't be trying as hard and you'll start seeing what's left.

[smackie9]

So you are unsure if his intentions are true.....I would assume they are. If you are feeling the same way then it's not rushing anything...when it happens it happens. You both are on the same page.

[amaysngrace]

Have a long engagement. They say you should go through at least four seasons with somebody to really get to know them, whoever “they” are.

 

You’re still only in winter.

[preraph]

And it can be even longer than that. I never would have thought so if I hadn't seen it for myself. My old roommate was with a younger man for three years right under my roof much of the time and they didn't fight that I knew of, and she was pretty dramatic. I knew he wasn't a straight-up guy though because I saw him from a distances stealing my albums (walking on the balcony with them when he didn't know I was in my car nearby). But I stayed out of that.

 

After three years, he joined the Navy and they moved to a base on the coast, where my friend had no friends or family. Here, she had all family and a lot of acquaintances and some friends. So as soon as he got her away from all her support, I mean, within two weeks, he started hitting her. She knew he had a bad upbringing but just hadn't seen this side of him. He waited until she had no where to turn because he couldn't have gotten away with hit here with everyone around. So you just never know.

 

She called me middle of the night after he passed out asking what to do. I told her drive home, and she did. Then he came here and stalked her and broke into her new garage apartment and eventually the Navy tried him or whatever they do and classified him as a sociopath. It was the rough upbringing he'd had I guess.

[d0nnivain]

I want to believe him because he doesn't use the term loosely but can you know if someone is the one this quickly???

 

How do you know what terms he uses loosely? You have not known him long enough.

 

Most people feel infatuated that quickly but real love takes time to build. Think of love/relationships like a slow cooker meal. You need time. . . low & slow. Insta-pot not withstanding you don't get great meals out of a microwave.

 

let him say whatever he likes but realize it's just talk.

[Ariesgirly]

d0onnivain- he has only told 2 women in his life he loves them. He didn't tell his college GF he loved her and his last relationship she told him she loved him and he could not reciprocate and they dated for a year. When we first started talking about past relationships he mentioned he does not say it easily so that's why I never anticipated him saying it. I was already preparing myself to have to break up with him in the future if we couldn't get there. He said most girls he's dated have tried to force feelings out of him and that I haven't done that.

[d0nnivain]

No. . he told you that he only said ILY to 2 women. Unless you interviewed every women he ever dated you only have his word.

 

But since he's saying it, be happy about that but don't rely on it. See how his actions over the next 6 months are. Do not cohabitate or get engaged until you have been dating for 2 years.

[preraph]

Be sure and meet his family too because that will tell you something about whether he's had good role models for being a dad or not. You know, you can want kids and be a nice guy and still not have any reference for how to be a dad and just end up being one of the kids for your wife to take care of. So take enough time to know him. You said he's seen you in bad circumstances. I want you to see him when he has a flat or his car breaks down and see how his temper is. I want you to see him when you tell him no on something and he doesn't like it and see if you can work out a compromise. I want to see if he keeps a job and if he's ethical about the workplace, because that will tell you something, if he calls in sick or steals from them or whatever. It takes a long time to learn someone's ethics, and that's the most important thing, plus temperament and how they are when they don't get their way.

[Gretchen12]

yes you can know this quickly but you'donly know if you're right in hindsight. He is obviously in love with you, but what does ILY mean? That varies depending on the person so it's hard to say.

 

when you cry, get upset, high maintenance, basically you are creating a high stakes environment. what you've done is up the ante, it is thrilling, and some men will get caught up in it. You have shown him your emotional investment and vulnerability, and he reciprocates this way.

 

You did not mention if you love him, you did not tell us your response to him when he told you how he feels. Maybe you'll bail. It's only possible to go the distance if you have relationship skills. And you won't know until you face the challenges.

[kendahke]

It could very well be that he feels this way right now, but you're also about to enter into the phase of relationships where the "on their best behavior" representatives are being dismissed and the real you/real him come to the fore---and now is when you start looking for inconsistencies in what they say/have said and what they do.

 

So while he says he's only said this to two women and he's reticent to say it in general, understand that when someone who barely knows you says they love you this quickly in the involvement, 9 times out of 10, what they're saying is that they "love how they feel about themselves when they're around you", which isn't the same as saying "I love you". You have to know someone in order to love them and he doesn't know you yet. He's getting to know you and perhaps so far he loves what he sees, but he's still got a ways to go and something may spring up that makes him take a step back---and you'll find this out within the next 6 months.

[Poke]

So you are unsure if his intentions are true.....I would assume they are. If you are feeling the same way then it's not rushing anything...when it happens it happens. You both are on the same page.

 

What Smackie wrote. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend the exact time frame as Ariesgirly, but we are both pushing 50. I have no doubt the love my boyfriend feels for me, I can see it in his eyes and by his actions. We both have stable jobs and have seen the ugly sides of each other. I love him with all my heart and feel like I’ve known him forever, it just feels so right.

[olivetree]

I would trust him until/unless he proves otherwise.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with olive tree. I think it's possible that he could feel this way and be genuine. I think you just need to figure out what you feel in return. There's nothing here that would indicate this couldn't be a very great love story. Good luck

[I'veseenbetterlol]

2 months isn't that early, but I do get your worries about being dumped when they fall out of love. If he does love you that much, his actions will be those of someone who loves you. I genuinely love my partner and he loves me, I feel that love. One time a guy I was dating told me we would be together forever after 3 weeks. That creeped me out even though I enjoy romance.

[d0nnivain]

I would trust him until/unless he proves otherwise.

 

It's OK to assume he's being genuine but I still wouldn't rely on it yet.