rogueheart Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 Hi! First time poster. I'll tell my story: It's been 4 years since I ended a 7 year relationship, I decided to cope by focusing on grad school and advancing my career. I haven't dated much, and if anything, it's been nothing lasting (more than a few dates). It's taken me a while to recover emotionally, gain back my self esteem and get over my trust issues. At some point I also lost my father, so a lot of unresolved issues surfaced and I worked through that. Last year I finally took a step towards the careerI wanted and everything turned out great and been happy ever since. I finally decided that I was at a stable place to start considering a relationship should the opportunity or person come. Flash forwarda few months later I met a wonderful smart, driven and kind guy with confidence to boot. he is the type of guy that knows what he wants and gets it, might come off a bit as hot headed but being a slight introvert I found thatvery appealing. I found myself getting rid of my hard shell with each day. We dated for a month and his mother suddenly was taken into the hospital. This happened on Sat and he was nervous texting and such. He wanted to be there alone and it seemed to be private (he is a veryprivate person). So I just kept myself available in case he needed to talk or needed something, which I let him know. Throughout the night he was nervous but kept me in the loop. I woke up the next day to a text that said that I probably could guess by now what happened to her and that he'd be signing off for a few days hoping I didn't take it personal. Which would be OK but I noticed he had blocked me... from everything. I tried not to freak out as I understand this is not about me but rather about a way to deal with grief, a very unusual way to me. Still I couldn't help but feel sad that I couldn't even send him a message saying that I'd be around if he wanted to talk or whatever. As time passed I felt worse (again, not trying to make this about me, but trying to make sense of what happened in his head thathe felt the need to cut me off like that). I let it go and a friend suggested I sent him an SMS (the block had been on whatsapp and instagram) which I did. In this text I let him know that I respect his grief but if he needed something or someone to talk to whenever, I could be there for him and that I cared. I signed off. Minutes later he unblocked me and wrote to me that " he didn't know what to say to me or write, that he usually distances himself from people for mental health of those around him and he didn't want to hurt me". I understand that he may need time. I care about this guy so I don't know if I should justlet him be or check every now on then. Maybe do something for him? I've always been terrible at dealing with these kind of situations, and I'm trying to be a better friend/person in general in terms of support.So I'd appreciate any insight and advise. BTW- he never explicitly mentioned a death, it just felt implied and he didn't ever follow up...I don't feel like it's my place to ask any more than he is willing to say (which is none). Thank you
BaileyB Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 (edited) Are you sure this is really about grief? Because, it seems like a rather unusual grief response to block people. Perhaps, he is dating someone else, or he has just decided he doesn’t want to date you anymore but he doesn’t know how to tell you? Or perhaps, he has some mental issues which is why he distances himself from people - so as not to hurt them? (Also, a strange thing to say... You have only know this guy a month. I know, you like him... but, I’m not sure that I would willing to accept just anything he says now... you don’t know him well enough to know if he is worthy of your trust. And, some of this is a little sketchy... Right now, all you know for sure is that he has blocked you and told you that he doesn’t want to talk to you. Don’t chase him. Take what he says for what it is... Edited February 19, 2019 by BaileyB
frankspeci Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 Sounds like a tough spot you're in. I don't know all the details, but if I were you I would try to get some distance myself and really think: how strong of a connection did you actually have with this guy? If it's truly something real then maybe it's worth checking in and being patient. But to me it seems like a long shot. He would have to meet you halfway and it doesn't sound like he's ready for that. You could be waiting a while. Given how briefly you've been dating, it sounds more like a promising start. Not that big of a deal. It might be better for you to let it go and pursue other options. Bad timing, especially if he's the type to close up when tragedy strikes. You or he could possibly reach out sometime down the line though if you're still single. I agree with BaileyB. His behavior as you described comes off as a bit sketchy. But I remember dating a girl for a month and then rupturing my Achilles tendon. I had to have surgery and my behavior during that time could be described as erratic. Didn't block anyone though. You said it took you a while to open up to dating after your father passed. My condolences. But this guy could be in the same boat. He might need time, in which case it will certainly be easier for you to continue meeting new people. Just my two cents.
2much4 Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 I recently wrote a thread about the same issue, similar timeline and everything ... don't really know what to tell you, I feel equally confused, it's hard to know what to say or do. My guy doesn't have this erratic behavior though, he's very sad, but hasn't done anything like blocking me or being nasty or even distancing himself... I don't know what to tell you, it's a really hard time for anyone and you don't want to add to his pain while he's already suffering that much....at the same time you don't want to be a doormat. If he wants to be left alone, I would do exactly that, maybe check up on him in a few weeks time and reevaluate depending on his reaction. He might get angry if you don't give him the space he asked for.
Kelliousme Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 Yeah.. it's awfully odd to block someone you're dating because you're going through a period of grief. I wouldn't be surprised if he used it as an excuse to get away from you either because he found someone else or he's not interested in you anymore and he doesn't want to hurt you. Now let's say IT IS because he's grieving and this is how he behaves when he's sad. Is this what you want to deal with in the long run? Some man who just blocks you, turns his back on you, runs away and hides under a shell because he's sad and it's not even because of you? It's nice of you to want to be there for him, but it's really unfair. Honestly.. just drop this guy.
stillafool Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 When someone blocks you that should tell you they do not want to hear from you so I wouldn't have sent the SMS. You should have waited until or if he contacted you. Do not contact him again.
Author rogueheart Posted February 19, 2019 Author Posted February 19, 2019 Thanks guys. I think I might sit this one out for the time being. As you all pointed, whatever the reason, it is a weird behaviour. While I do think that while grieving one does not really have to make sense, I do think that if he likes me enough he'd eventually contact me in the long run and we'll see how that goes. If he doesn't, well we can say it was pretty clear. Not waiting :/
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