feejane Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 Right this is the situation. I have been going out with my other half now for 3 years. Everything has been great so far, the best thing that ever happened to me. First guy to really treat me with respect and show genuine compassion. For the past 3 months due to financial difficulties I have had to move into his house with his parents. This has now created a problem. He has started to treat me and talk to me like his father does to his mother. Which I might add at the best of times is with disrespect, at worst, utter contempt. This involves things like constantly contradicting me, rolling his eyes and huffing when I say something of interest to a group of friends, talking over me in group conversations, or just ignoring me completely. It’s really giving my self confidence a battering. I have picked him up on it several times now but he just argues that I am wrong, apparently I’m wrong about everything these days. I know that he is doing this because it’s how he sees his parents interacting. Whats more, at dinner last night he said how much he idolises his dad and ‘wants to be like him when he grows up’ Argh! Just before that I was going to point out that I know where it’s all coming from and say that if he dares to talk to me like his father again I will be off. But now I have the added problem of him really idolising him. How do I approach this situation without causing offence by dissing his dad? but at the same time make him realise why he is treating me this way and understand the gravity of the situation … because really I cannot cope with this any longer, it will be the end of us if I don’t sort it out soon. Sorry for the essay, half of this was purely a therapeutic rant.
d'Arthez Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 Very tough situation. He perceives his behavior as normal, because he is used to such male-female interactions. Hiding the truth of your perception of his father won't do much good, as then he does not see the point of changing his ways. After all, why change his ways, if even you don't perceive anything to be wrong? The problem is, you are now exactly dependent upon his parents, for living space, and the other financial issues you have; and are in their house. His father is not going to change his ways, and I don't think you expect that - but you don't want his son to become the same. The only chance you have is, to point out to him, exactly where you have problems with his behavior, and draw the parallels with his father's behavior. Sadly, there is no easy way to resolve problems like this. You can accept his behavior for now, but, and that is the danger, he will not change his ways naturally; and you become more accepting of it, albeit in a less conscious way. If you do confront him, be calm, and try not to get emotional. Try to offer him your perspective, and how his behaviors and remarks make you feel. He may look up to his father, but that does not mean that he should be blind to his shortcomings. If he is blind to them, he simply is not a good potential partner in the long run. And you might have to take the unpleasant consequences of that, i.e. break up with him if he does not get his act together. Living together creates additional stresses, and is often a wise step, as you will have a much more intense experience of being with that particular person. Sadly, your other half did not respond in the way you imagined things to be. Don't remain in the relationship because it is necessary, but because you want to be in it.
Author feejane Posted September 19, 2005 Author Posted September 19, 2005 Thankyou - Very wise words d'Arthez. You were right to point out that I shouldn't remain in the relationship because it's nessesary. It made me realise that I have been putting off saying what needs to be said through fear of having to go it alone at such a hard time. However you are right, I will have to nip it in the bud now otherwise he will continue the way he has been and I will become more accepting of it.
Outcast Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 John Gottman has done a study of successful relationships versus unsuccessful ones. If you read his books, you will discover that the most significant indicator of whether a couple will last or not is how they communicate after the first few months and after the first few years. Without exception, couples in which one or both people "constantly contradicting me, rolling his eyes and huffing when I say something of interest to a group of friends, talking over me in group conversations, or just ignoring me completely" divorce. Surely you don't consider his parents' relationship to be a successful or happy one? He has lost respect for you and respect is vital to a successful relationship. I can't imagine that he will change. Moving in with him has shown you the true measure of the man. I would not stay with this person if I were you.
Outcast Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 Just read something you wrote in another thread: One of the most important things in a relationship, besides trust, is respect I think you already know this guy's a bad deal and are just hanging in there because of the fiscal situation.
Author feejane Posted September 19, 2005 Author Posted September 19, 2005 Yeah I know exactly what you are saying but on many levels our relationship is great. He does respect me, it's just at times he is disrespectful. does that make sense? I'm classing this as a temporary blip that can be fixed. I'm not willing to give up on this so easily and I'm sure with some communication I will help him see why he is acting the way he is and why he doesn't think it's a problem. I just needed to know how to approach him about it. I'm sure that my current dependency on him and his parents is not helping the whole 'respect' issue, especially as at one time I was the one supporting him. But once I get back on my feet I think this will change. I'm not one to stay in a relationship that is not working, in fact I am well known for hastily cutting my ties with people. But I'm gonna work at this for a bit longer before I make that kind of decision.
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