Starting to feel like the world is playing a cruel joke??

[Cori]

I've been struggling with dating recently. Now at least three times, men have gone out of their way to behave cruelly towards me instead of maturely.

 

Let me explain.

 

Man#1: Contacted me after a few months, a fight that was both our faults ended things previously. He talked about how he handled things badly and begged me to meet with him so he could apologize. When I went to meet with him, he told me he wanted to work on things, that he was sorry and hadn't stopped thinking about me for the last three months. I agreed to try things again but I needed a promise of honesty and communication.

 

I explained that he can't use me or mess with me. I always make aware to people that I date that I have PTSD, I tell them I get anxious, I need space sometimes, and that ignoring me is the worst thing you could do to me. Just explain your feelings honestly even if it's something you think I don't want to hear Ex: I don't think this is working. Telling me is way better than "ghosting" me. I have always been nice and understanding when a man has a explained it's not working for them.

 

This man had gone out of his way to chase me. I met with him on a Saturday to agreee to try things again and never heard from him again other than a than a single text a few days later reassuring me how much he cared. Then back to being ignored.

By that following Saturday I had gotten the hint.

 

The second guy isn't worth explaining, just a jerk.

 

Man#3: He was really nice I thought. We met two years ago and I wasn't ready for something so I hadn't continued. He had been contacting me the last few months asking to hangout again and try things. I agreed and we had a bomb of chemistry and fun dates. Again, aware of my PTSD and how it affects me. I left for a trip and came back to a man who was distant and different. A week of hardly hearing from him and not seeing him (he was working a lot so I was not angry), I sent him a message saying. "Hey J, Seems like you have a lot going on or that youre not feeling it much anymore. If you would like to be just friends, I totally understand. Although I do like you, I would understand if you needed to end things."

 

His response was basically, I like you but ok. I called him and explained that I was struggling with my anxiety and I needed a little reassurance, he reassured me he likes me and he will see me this weekend and gave a specific day.

 

two days later, that day came and went with no word from him. I sent him a text saying I really didn't appreciate being stood up and my time is more valuable than that. No response yet is looking through my social media. it's been well over 24 hours...

 

I feel lied to and hurt. I had explained that I was trying to be open and vulnerable and that it was causing anxiety. That it's hard for me to like someone, but I liked him and was willing to keep getting to know him I just needed him to be honest and communicate.

 

I feel I give off respect and understanding to others, I also feel I end things after they don't respect me.

 

My point of this post is to try to find help in what maybe I can do better? Or to understand is this similar with other men? To go out of their way to lie to me and then ghost me?

 

I am hurt and confused. I will not be contacting or dating man #3 anymore due to the disrespect he showed me, just simply wondering a solution to why this keeps happening.

 

Or just a way for me to grow.

 

Thanks

[Eternal Sunshine]

If I were you, I wouldn’t be explaining to men that you are vulnerable. Men don’t care, in fact many will find it a turn off. A stranger you just met is not going to care about your emotional health. Either he is into you or he is not. Whenever you are in doubt or get mixed signals, the answer is always negative.

[Fair]

You were way too open with man number three... vulnerability, anxiety... say words like that and a man will decide you're needy and run. You only talk like that to someone you know already cares for you. A guy you just met doesn't care, and might not even be that into you.

 

Your openness and honesty are good traits, but they can also get you hurt if you're not careful.

[Curiousroxy86]

Hun I know you got ptsd and all but listen at the beginning stages men scare easily. When you come at them with all that "I got ptsd and I get anxious and don't ignore me" you come off needy and asking for a lot from guys who trying to get to know you and you kill their attraction

 

So here is what you do. Know that some men are flaky. Like you I can't stand flakyness. So have a personal boundary against flakyness but don't go attacking every Tom dick and Harry that's not even your boyfriend for being flaky. When your connecting with a guy and he becomes flaky the consequence is not call him out as if he already your man (becaue he is not). The consequence is date other men. Flaky men risk losing the girl. So get lost. Choose the guy who doesn't flake. Choose the guy who consistently shows you that he is into you. The flakes will take themselves out on their own or because you chose to be the girlfriend to the guy that don't flake.

 

Once a guy is your exclusive boyfriend then you get communicate directly if he even hit your boundary. And because he is your boyfriend you should communicate sweetly expecting him to oblige. "Honey it would really make me happy if you would take the time to call (or whatever your need is)". A good boyfriend would oblige. If he don't respond favorably or says yes but go back to being distant or flaky then you breakup. But since you chose a guy who normally don't flake and shown you he wasn't flaky this shouldn't be too much of a prob unless he was just love bombing.

 

Good luck

[Lisa_Lisa]

Do better by allowing the flaky and non-communicative men weed themselves out. Don't tell them you have ptsd or anxiety. That will scare them away. Be carefree and as happy as you can around them. Control your emotions because you only you can control your reaction. Be strong.

[FMW]

No one likes to be ghosted, it's very hurtful for everyone no matter how emotionally healthy they are.

 

Men are going to treat you how they are going to treat you regardless of what you say. When they don't treat you the way you want then you move on and don't give them any more chances to disappoint you.

 

Keep your expectations in line and don't get too invested too soon. You have to guard your own emotional well-being, don't expect others to do that for you.

[kendahke]

I always make aware to people that I date that I have PTSD, I tell them I get anxious, I need space sometimes, and that ignoring me is the worst thing you could do to me.

 

That is too much to lay on a stranger--and they will flee from this.

 

I think you'd be far better served in learning ways to self-soothe and managing your anxiety with a therapist rather than trying to find a boyfriend to do that heavy lifting for you.

[Versacehottie]

My point of this post is to try to find help in what maybe I can do better? Or to understand is this similar with other men? To go out of their way to lie to me and then ghost me?

 

Thanks

 

What you could do better is get control of your anxiety. Seriously, if it is causing this many problems where you need to announce it, it should be your first priority. And then maybe you will be ready to date. I think if you will do that you will realize that you are in control of your emotions and while you can voice that you would like to be treated such and such way (i wouldn't recommend the way you have done it at all), ultimately you can't control other people. You can respond to how you are treated and should do to emotionally protect yourself.

 

I have to say (respectfully) that i found a lot of double standard in your post. If your anxiety is disabling, it's not really fair to use it as a dating crutch and kind of rely on it so your partner has to treat you a certain way. Truthfully, i was a little exhausted just here how many times you leaned on it as a crutch. I would say you need to make yourself more whole and get a thicker skin because as you can see using anxiety and/or past hurts as a reason why you cannot bring your best while still expecting others to isn't working. Sorry, if this is harsh but i don't know if you realize how you come off sounding. Both fragile and entitled at the same time. With that alone you might not be attracting the best people for you. If you got some help for your anxiety, you would probably get some tools also so that you don't have fatalistic thinking : "starting to feel like the world is playing a cruel joke". That's a hallmark of an bad thinking pattern which you should get out of to live a good life and dating more comfortably. Good luck

[allofme]

Hun I know you got ptsd and all but listen at the beginning stages men scare easily. When you come at them with all that "I got ptsd and I get anxious and don't ignore me" you come off needy and asking for a lot from guys who trying to get to know you and you kill their attraction

 

So here is what you do. Know that some men are flaky. Like you I can't stand flakyness. So have a personal boundary against flakyness but don't go attacking every Tom dick and Harry that's not even your boyfriend for being flaky. When your connecting with a guy and he becomes flaky the consequence is not call him out as if he already your man (becaue he is not). The consequence is date other men. Flaky men risk losing the girl. So get lost. Choose the guy who doesn't flake. Choose the guy who consistently shows you that he is into you. The flakes will take themselves out on their own or because you chose to be the girlfriend to the guy that don't flake.

 

Once a guy is your exclusive boyfriend then you get communicate directly if he even hit your boundary. And because he is your boyfriend you should communicate sweetly expecting him to oblige. "Honey it would really make me happy if you would take the time to call (or whatever your need is)". A good boyfriend would oblige. If he don't respond favorably or says yes but go back to being distant or flaky then you breakup. But since you chose a guy who normally don't flake and shown you he wasn't flaky this shouldn't be too much of a prob unless he was just love bombing.

 

Good luck

 

 

I so agree with you on “men get scared easily early on”, the ones who want to commit are even more so. Once you start making requests which make you sound remotely clingy, they run for the hill. When I was 5 weeks in with my ex, I asked him to make weekend plans in advance cos I need to plan my week ahead. He said I wad acting “insecure and clingy” and that I don’t trust that he would want to see me every week. I be like bitch please, I just needed to plan my life ahead.

[Curiousroxy86]

I be like bitch please, I just needed to plan my life ahead.

 

Lmaaaaaooooo

 

Some men can be so extra for no reason that they the ones acting insecure

[trulycommitted]

It's understandable that you are feeling the way you are at this moment. I am sorry that you are going through these experiences. Focus on taking the best care of yourself that you can and that includes setting up a support system of people you can trust – family, friends, pastor, counselor. When you meet another person of interest, take your time in getting to know the other person.

[TheFinalWord]

My sympathies for the way things worked out.

 

A few things you must work on.

 

Regarding old flames. Don't try to re-ignite lost loves. It's almost never worth putting in the effort to re-kindle an old flame. Put that energy into a new person, rather than a previous interest. If it dissipated once, it can happen again. It's sort of like once that precedent has been set, it is bound to happen again. There are exceptions, but more often than not, I would leave the past in the past. Take the lessons you learned from those experiences, but don't go back to the past.

 

Second, no one owes you their love or anything because of PTSD. The world of dating is harsh and cruel. You have to be on the defense and a person has to earn your trust, especially if you are going to try to rekindle lost loves. I would make a lost love that ditched me, work that much harder. Especially if they are begging for a second chance. It's one thing if they ask for a second chance. But if they keep pushing you for one, it's likely they are wanting a second chance for validation due to the rejection, not because they really like you.

 

Third, please give away your vulnerability SLOWLY. Especially with your medical condition. You can't put that responsibility on a man you don't know and have had a few dates with. It's your responsibility to manage the health issue and if you know it makes you exceptionally prone to being hurt, you must go really slow in getting to know someone. Set your boundaries and stick to them. If a man stops texting, he has violated your boundary which you were clear about. Don't write him at that point. He's already proven why he's in the past. By writing him and asking for an explanation, essentially, it is like getting rejected twice. people rarely give the real reason why anyway, and sometimes they don't even know. He probably did feel pressure when you are basically saying if he makes one wrong move your PTSD will kick in. That's a lot of pressure to put on a guy that doesn't know you and has no commitment to you. It's important to remember that people have a right to decide whether they want to date someone with a particular medical condition. That's what dating is all about. Trying a person out to see if they are a match. He may have found this is too much for him and he doesn't know how to tell you because it could set your PTSD off. He's walking on egg shells; damned if he does, damned if he does not. Try to see his side.

 

Overall though, please wait to open emotionally until you see they are reciprocating emotional investment. A person has to earn your vulnerability. Don't just give it to him because he's paying attention to you. I've had to learn this lesson as well. I tend to be the white knight guy that wants to save girls that have been treated wrong in the past. When chemistry is there, it's easy to want to rush things and give people something they haven't earned. Please don't do that anymore, especially with old flames which have already shown to not work in the past. It should be even more difficult for them to earn your trust.

Edited February 20, 2019 by TheFinalWord