Any ideas? Near Radio Silence Shortly After Meeting Daughter

[amanda_30]

Hey All -

 

Mainly posting here to vent and hopefully get some good feedback....the guy I've been seeing confuses me a bit.

 

Background:

30 year old single mom to a 4 year old daughter. Divorced for a year, dated off and on until I met Adam in Dec 2018.

 

Adam is 38, single dad to two boys - 9 and 6 and was divorced also about a year.

 

We met online, and I believe we had instant chemistry. He's successful, attractive, a very well mannered and from what I can tell an amazing dad. He claims his marriage fell apart because his wife cheated on him. I'm suspect on that myself but we'll see.

 

In the past 3 months, we've seen each other just about every weekend or at least twice a week - I met his kids about a month ago and he met my daughter then - all went well those times.

 

For valentines day, he sent balloons and chocolates to my work - a nice gesture. I invited him over to my house (I had my daughter) and invited him to stay the night. He brought a bottle of wine for me and even got my daughter a gift for valentines a small box of some chocolates and a stuffed animal. I was floored - no one I've met has been this considerate. My daughter appears to like him but things went South that evening unfortunately.

 

I invited him to stay the night on the couch, my daughter did not want him to stay the night and asked him to leave. I was horrified at how she approached him. He didn't even ask or discuss anything with me - he simply told my daughter he understood and that he would leave. He told me he should go and left - no kiss or anything. He texted me that he made it home but seems to be a bit distant. My daughter see's her biological dad and apparently talked about Adam and my ex is angry. I told Adam that my ex would like to meet him and that it would probably go a long way to making things go smoothly - Adam said that "I have no problem meeting him, but I don't need the drama and that I'm not ready for you to meet my ex".

 

This past weekend, he didn't have his kids and he knows I didn't have mine...but didn't bother to make plans. I sent him a text and he's always responded pretty quickly but its very short responses.

 

Has he lost interest in me? Did he realize that a blended family would be more difficult than he thought? I don't want to keep bothering him and appearing to be clingy but I can't help but reflect on the past few months and all the little things he did for me and smile.

 

Any ideas what's going on here? Thanks

[Interstellar]

It’s always sad when there are kids involved. Very sad. Children, especially younger ones are very conservative by nature. They don’t like a lot of change and they certainly don’t like random stranger guy telling them to eat their peas. Even adult children might pose a problem depending on how the sides are drawn out during divorce, etc...

 

You should not have introduced him to your children. The same for him too. It’s more respectful if you don’t run every John, Harry, etc... so he can be “Dad for 2 weeks.” It’s way too early to introduce them, and they already have a Dad. Ideally, wait until they’re 18. This is a rush job. You rushed him and he bailed, rightfully so.

[Lotsgoingon]

First of all, I like your instincts that Adam may not be telling the truth about why is marriage fell apart. That's sharp.

 

On the other hand, you're like a missing character in this drama. When your daughter told him she didn't want him to spend the night, where were you? What did YOU say? ... There's nothing here about that.

 

If I were in this situation, I would be mad at you for not preparing the ground for me to stay over. You invite me over and don't prepare your daughter or warn me about your daughter or give me a way to talk to your daughter? What kind of person does that?! I'd rather wait on the invite ... wait on spending the night until your daughter is in a better place ... and yes, I would be angry afterwards ... and feel like you abandoned me ... and I'd dump you and move on.

 

And meeting your ex? Surely you're kidding by presenting this as a reasonable request.

 

Absolutely no way would I want to meet someone's ex. That absolutely would cause me to delete your name and number and not think about you again. If you're divorced, you're divorced. If you've got a jealous ex-husband, again, it's YOUR JOB to prepare the guy you are dating for this reality.

 

Sounds like your ex still has ties to you ... I don't date women with jealous ex-husbands. Seen way too many bad movies with that storyline. And I don't want to date women who don't warm me ahead of time of jealous, possessive ex-husbands.

Edited February 19, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[thatgirl10000]

Eek, meet your ex? Yeah, no, sorry. I’m not a guy, but if I were a guy, your situation would be a big red flag to me. Drama with a capital D. Maybe he has decided to run for the hills, and you can’t blame him if that’s the case.

[Curiousroxy86]

I'm sorry this happened

 

Are you guys exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend?

 

If so I would talk to him "honey I care about how you are feeling. If something is wrong I would like for us to communicate and resolve it together". And of course listen and try to come to a resolution that makes him happy that you are okay with. If he says nothing is wrong then give him space meaning let him initiate contact and seeing you. If he doesn't call or ask to see you for a whole week after you attempt to resolve things breakup and date other men.

 

If not exclusive then girlfriend I got issues with the decisions you made with this guy.

[Cersei]

I don't think this is going to work out for you 2.

 

If your daughter's behavior did not send him running then your request to meet the ex likely did.

 

Are you sure you and your family are ready for you to be dating?

[Curiousroxy86]

You know "meeting the ex" I don't like it either but that's not a reason to ghost or breakup with someone your in a relationship with. This dude has horrible communication. If I was in his shoes I would simply say "honey I am not interested in meeting your ex and I would appreciate it if you keep us seperate". If my significant other has an issue theeeeenn I would breakup. But he didn't do that. He agreed then being distant. He is not being an adult if they call themselves in a relationship. he don't have to go along with what she suggest but he should communicate How he actually feels so they can resolve.

 

Again OP I would have major concerns if this guy not technically your exclusive boyfriend though. Then his behavior would explain it all lol.

[Simple Logic]

When you date a woman and doing everything right, the child (children) can be really brutal. You need to call this guy right away and try to right this ship before it sinks.

[ExpatInItaly]

My daughter see's her biological dad and apparently talked about Adam and my ex is angry. I told Adam that my ex would like to meet him and that it would probably go a long way to making things go smoothly - Adam said that "I have no problem meeting him, but I don't need the drama and that I'm not ready for you to meet my ex".

 

This is the problem.

 

You two have only been dating a couple months. It's early. Knowing your ex is angry and wants to meet? Too much, too soon.

 

I'm sorry, but I think he is likely seriously re-evaluating the relationship. Most men are not going to want to deal with ex drama, particularly when you've barely begun dating. I'm not saying it's your fault, but it is what it is.

 

For what it's worth, in the future I would give your daughter time to get to know your partner before having overnight visits with her in the house. He is stranger to her, so I think it would be better for you to pump the brakes on that a bit.

Edited February 19, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

Some men don't really want to take on other men's children.

Maybe your daughter's reaction made him realise this was going to be hard work and with the angry ex in the background he went thanks but no thanks.

 

From early dating it all went "serious" pretty quick and maybe "serious" was never his intention anyway.

A year out from divorce I guess he is still finding his feet.

[hippychick3]

It was way too soon to introduce him to your daughter and then have him spend the night so soon after meeting her? Nooooo...

 

And asking him to meet your ex is just bizarre. I’ve been with my bf for 5 1/2 years and he’s yet to meet the father of my children. He will have to eventually when my daughter graduates from high school. But that’s an extenuating circumstance. It’s just not necessary until then.

[stillafool]

Yes it was way too soon to introduce this guy to your daughter and to plan a sleep over with her there. You said you're unsure whether he was lying about his wife cheating or not. If you aren't sure of everything this guy is telling you why involve your daughter? He has only been divorced a year and I'm sure your daughter brought the reality of what it will be like dating a woman with kids and he probably isn't ready for that drama. Certainly doesn't want to meet your ex and I don't blame him.

[chillii]

Well, I'm just flabbergasted myself.

What the hell are you even doing introducing some strange man to your 4yr old daughter after only 3mths , only 12mths out from her losing her family, and parking him on the couch for the night the very first time she's met him no less.

l just mean wtf, but your surprised !

She shouldn't even meet him yet let alone that.

She shouldn't meet anyone for at least 6mths in they recommend 12 to 18mths in actually which is just common sense anyway ,,,, and only then , if your 99% sure it's going to be the real thing and very long term. But at 4 yrs old, only divorce a year, only with him 3mths.

And you don't even trust the guy yet you suspect he lies about his divorce.

 

No words