Larry56 Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 I usually say what he's saying to women I don't find edgy or have enough in common with. He might think you're nice, but a little boring. I might say that to a girl who is really friendly but I don't find physically attractive. It's only gonna be one of two things. It's either because you're not his physical type or his intellectual/personality type.
Larry56 Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 Also I might say it if the girl is in a rush to have kids (or has kids) and we're not on the same schedule.
Author Frenchie22 Posted February 19, 2019 Author Posted February 19, 2019 I usually say what he's saying to women I don't find edgy or have enough in common with. He might think you're nice, but a little boring. I might say that to a girl who is really friendly but I don't find physically attractive. It's only gonna be one of two things. It's either because you're not his physical type or his intellectual/personality type. I thought about it, but I was sometimes the only one to make the conversation and I tried really hard to make him feel comfortable with me. Not really fair to say that I'm not edgy and boring, those are the words I'd use to describe HIM. That's probably why I shouldn't feel sad, I might have been rejected but if I think about it, I'm not sure I was that interested either. It's not physical, I think I'm not his personality type... He probably found me too much. And it doesn't have anything to do with being in a rush to have kids, it's just his perception of things that is messed up.
Versacehottie Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 Honestly, I think you sound like you have a fairly good perspective and attitude toward this. Nothing is wrong with you--you just got excited about this guy, probably moved too fast, got swept up in spending the entire weekend with a new person and of course are taking it personal when it didn't work out. Who wouldn't take it personal, he's evaluating you or so would it seem to anyone who was on the end where he decided to to keep pursuing. Again, you just have to reframe what happened in your mind--honestly he could have done the same after a two hour date at a local bar, right? So give yourself a break. Sometimes things are just not meant to be. Even if he is noticing a lifestyle difference that is not for him by saying you are too different sometimes it's the things that don't go our way that push up towards what is right. I think in the long run if you look back at this you will laugh and know he was so right and there is a better person for you--which often you can't feel like that's the case until you ARE with that person. Two things from your most recent reply to me. Yes be glad you tried and will keep trying. It is a numbers game of sorts and you only get one life so you might has well make the best of experiences you have even if they are short-lived. I'm assuming you moved to France on one hand for the beautiful lifestyle that is possible there of which weekend flings might have been something you imagined. So yeah recharacterize it as one of those. Some things are only meant to be a fling. You can get over him and you will. I think you should. Don't give him another chance to make you feel inadequate or that a guy isn't sure about you. I'm sure when you think of your ideal guy, he is SURE about you. In some ways of course you give a person leeway if they are still getting to know you or warming up to the idea of commitment but about you at each stage, he should be impressed and excited otherwise it will hurt your self-esteem to keep hanging in there to try to prove you are worth it and sell him on the idea of you. Secondly, comparison is the thief of joy as they say. You can't compare yourself to others. Sometimes what they show and what they are actually living are two very different things. As a numbers game, maybe they bumped into their person way before you have bumped into yours. While you shouldn't compare, don't be afraid to learn from how they ended up with a person they really care about. It will open your mind to ways it can happen for you. I know you said you don't have much time so you just are doing dating apps or something like that but try other ways too. Anyway strive for a rich experience or your experience it will all make sense when you do find your person. And you are so right: you can do it again. Good luck 1
Author Frenchie22 Posted February 19, 2019 Author Posted February 19, 2019 Honestly, I think you sound like you have a fairly good perspective and attitude toward this. Nothing is wrong with you--you just got excited about this guy, probably moved too fast, got swept up in spending the entire weekend with a new person and of course are taking it personal when it didn't work out. Who wouldn't take it personal, he's evaluating you or so would it seem to anyone who was on the end where he decided to to keep pursuing. Again, you just have to reframe what happened in your mind--honestly he could have done the same after a two hour date at a local bar, right? So give yourself a break. Sometimes things are just not meant to be. Even if he is noticing a lifestyle difference that is not for him by saying you are too different sometimes it's the things that don't go our way that push up towards what is right. I think in the long run if you look back at this you will laugh and know he was so right and there is a better person for you--which often you can't feel like that's the case until you ARE with that person. Two things from your most recent reply to me. Yes be glad you tried and will keep trying. It is a numbers game of sorts and you only get one life so you might has well make the best of experiences you have even if they are short-lived. I'm assuming you moved to France on one hand for the beautiful lifestyle that is possible there of which weekend flings might have been something you imagined. So yeah recharacterize it as one of those. Some things are only meant to be a fling. You can get over him and you will. I think you should. Don't give him another chance to make you feel inadequate or that a guy isn't sure about you. I'm sure when you think of your ideal guy, he is SURE about you. In some ways of course you give a person leeway if they are still getting to know you or warming up to the idea of commitment but about you at each stage, he should be impressed and excited otherwise it will hurt your self-esteem to keep hanging in there to try to prove you are worth it and sell him on the idea of you. Secondly, comparison is the thief of joy as they say. You can't compare yourself to others. Sometimes what they show and what they are actually living are two very different things. As a numbers game, maybe they bumped into their person way before you have bumped into yours. While you shouldn't compare, don't be afraid to learn from how they ended up with a person they really care about. It will open your mind to ways it can happen for you. I know you said you don't have much time so you just are doing dating apps or something like that but try other ways too. Anyway strive for a rich experience or your experience it will all make sense when you do find your person. And you are so right: you can do it again. Good luck I sent him another text this morning as I was trying to figure out what I would be doing for the rest of the week, and I asked him whether we were still going to see each other on Thursday. I confess that I was fishing for answers, because I still don't know if he wants to continue dating or not. And I wanted to see if he would be brave enough to tell me he doesn't want to see me again. He hasn't answered to my last text "What do you want to do, then? Are we still seeing each other on Thursday?". Not nice, because I have things planned. Of course, I won't wait for him ... My friends think he's hesitating, which would explain why it's taking him so long to answer. You're right about getting excited and moving too fast, you're really good at analysing people! Now I realise that we weren't made for each other, but I wonder why this experience happened to me, what it will teach me and if I am going to learn the lesson. I already struggle with my self-esteem and I don't want it damaged again. I think it's better to walk away for now, and I really don't want to have such a bad start with someone I like. I also wonder if I should stop trying to find someone— and just let it happen if it ever happens. Thanks for your message, again. Your words are full of wisdom! 1
Author Frenchie22 Posted February 19, 2019 Author Posted February 19, 2019 He finally answered about Thursday, something like "Yeah, I'm afraid that's not possible..." No need to tell you what I answered, it was mean but it felt good...
Versacehottie Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 I had this whole post for you but somehow it got lost and I wasn't able to post--this was before your update. I will try to tailor what i said to the update now. Well i was gonna tell you to leave it alone. I guess that would have included not texting him. You don't want to give a person a huge chance and almost a certainty to hurt you which is kinda what a text to confirm something he basically already wasn't into since he was pretty much bailing on the relationship in general. Gotta always look at the big picture, long view in a situation like this, i.e. there is no way i think you should have cared to go on one thursday date at the expense of resurrecting the relationship and reasserting your worth by not contacting him OR more importantly, at the expense of your perception of your own self worth. It might have felt ok to be mean to him but the long term effect of not chasing after someone or even leaving the door open would probably benefit your self-esteem more than this. It's a minor distinction but yes if a guy said he doesn't want a relationship with you, i think texting to find out if you are still on for thursday falls into the chasing category, even if that wasn't the tone or wording didn't have that vibe. I do think in total it's good to chalk up the good parts of the weekend with him to your experience in France, romantic even just as a one time thing. In general good and bad, just as dating and YOU experience, which rarely is a bad thing if you learn from it. That he was hesitating tells you a lot about where he stood. Whether or not you agree to this treatment teaches you a lot about yourself. There is great power in just deciding on your own that something isn't good enough for you rather than WAITING for him to decide or allowing his treatment of you to get so dismissive that you have no choice but to cut it off or go ballistic on him. Effectively you want to be careful that YOU don't allow people to jerk you around, and waiting for an answer under these circumstances is kind of that. Treat yourself like you are destined for better things. It won't necessarily be easy but keep in mind that you are building YOU and what you owe yourself. You basically knew it wasn't going to work out so why let him be the one who gets to drag it out? He might have a touch of guilt but his self-esteem is intact. I do think that you should stop trying so hard to find someone or wanting it so much. Have fun, invest in and build your self-esteem, other pursuits. Usually when you take the pressure off yourself good things happen. Also having said that, you should take active steps to socialize and date. Your guy isn't going to fall onto your couch. So put yourself out there without being hyper focused on finding a bf. You need to set the dynamic where you've got a good, happy life and he wants in rather than you need him to make your life better. If that makes sense. good luck 1
Author Frenchie22 Posted February 20, 2019 Author Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) Versacehottie I know I shouldn't have done it. I wanted to see if he was going to answer, and that's stupid. I'm not going to do that anymore, I think I got my answer and it was quite clear. He has no intention of seeing me again, so he's made his decision and that's a good thing so I know where I stand now. I really went ballistic on him, and I expected him to say something mean in return, but he's not even bold enough to fight back (another disappointment)... To some extent, I'm glad he didn't say anything, but I expected a good spanking I even expected him to delete me on Facebook or Instagram, but he didn't either. That's weird. He even looked at my stories. I don't get this guy. I spent more than 2 hours on the phone with one of my closest French friends and she thinks he might be doing this because he still thinks that I could be something like a side chick. I'll try to socialize and date because everything you say actually makes sense, I just don't know where to start! Edited March 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Versacehottie Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 It's normal to be curious about where you stand with someone--feelings are rarely 100% on or 100% especially as recent as this was. Sometimes you just have to decide what YOU want and f*ck curiosity. Don't "leave" the decision in his hands. He might have not said anything back because he doesn't want to create further drama (or if you have mutual friends; you met through FB right?). Or he might feel a little guilty. But just like i said you might have curiosity so might he which might be why he looked at your stories. I'm sure there is a part of him that doesn't want to close the door completely--doubt he had reached that stage yet when he told you he thought you were too different. Try not to read into it. Take it as funny that he could be so wishy-washy that he would still look at your stories. I did think originally from your first post that he kind of set things up so that you would have a casual or fwb relationship without dating so yeah it's possible that's what he decided he would still want from this. Also may be the reason he hasn't responded. Might want to wait until you calm down or he guesses you have and then will try to talk to you again to get a fwb relationship going. Don't worry about him--don't look back. I think it's smart, including in this case, to not make him into the enemy. Hate or dislike is a much stronger emotion requiring your energy--than just being indifferent. And honestly if you look back, at least from what you've said here, he didn't really do anything wrong. You both agreed to this weekend date. You both were open to whatever the possibility was. He just decided you're not the one for him--which is not really deserving of hate, even if it does sting. Could have totally happened the other way around where you didn't want to continue with him. Definitely make sure to socialize and date:)
Daphne33 Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 There's nothing wrong with you. Relationships are tough work, and I think the great thing about where you are, given what you said, is that you do seem to know what you're looking for in life. You have a lot of great goals and ambitions and there's nothing wrong with having expectations. I think the best intimacy in new situations like this, though, comes through really getting to know each other, so I do hope that his asking how you feel about his reaction to your first few meet ups is a chance to slow down and really get to know each other. Find out if you have the same priorities. I'll be hoping and praying for the best for you!
kendahke Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 he did the equivalent of kicking the tires then deciding not to buy... whatever is going on, your accomplishments intimidate him, but he's not going to say that to you... Throw him back, bait the hook and drop it back in the water.
preraph Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 (edited) He probably just doesn't see himself being comfortable with you. Tell him you enjoyed him but understand if you're not the one for him. And since you brought up that you probably sound full of yourself, it is possible that you come off that way to other people. Have you ever met someone or been around someone and all they do is tell you about their travels or that type thing, something you don't have in common with them? That is offputting. I know someone who has a script every time she talks to someone, whether it's a friend or the mechanic and she brings up a trip to the Caribbean decades ago trying to impress some way and it's offputting. So just be sure you ask them stuff and get a feel for who they are because there are people who are sensitive or think you're bragging even if you're not really. Of course, you're unlikely to want to keep those people anyway and opt for someone you have these interests or lifestyle in common with anyway. It can be cultural as well. Like in America, people have no qualms about hearing about others' accomplishments, but in some places, it's considered rank bragging and offensive. Edited February 28, 2019 by preraph
mortensorchid Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 I have asked myself what is wrong with me. I haven't had a bf in 7 YEARS now, and he was a BAD BOY in all caps - he broke it off because I wasn't taking care of him. All I can say is that it wasn't right. This guy you describe was not right for you and SO MANY OTHERS are not right for you, or me, or anyone else out there. I never gripe about my loneliness and how I wish I could be with someone and how many times I have been dumped. They don't deserve me. Instead they try to make it work with trashy girls who take them for a ride or take advantage of them. Be happy with yourself. Because you are all you have. Don't take s*** from nobody. 1
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