My Story for those questioning "Am I doing the right thing?"- please read

[bebe2000]

I have known my fiance for over 10 years now. We have been together for over five and have lived together for three. I always felt- no I always knew he was the one I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life. We will be married in December.

 

Very recently I fooled around with another man- not just any man but a mutual friend who lives in our building; someone you can't avoid and someone I truly love as a good good friend. When this happened, Jay- the friend asked me "What are you doing?" " You're getting married". "Are you angry with Rye or something?'' I assured him, that Rye and I were fine and that this was just the "last fling" I needed before I got married in several months. He said "Okay but if this is gonna happen you're the one whose gonna call the shots. I have nothing to risk and you have everything to risk." So needless to say it happened one more time, (all we ever did was kiss- PG stuff if you will) and I felt like the worst human being alive. That night I was up all night feeling ill- I told Rye that I had ate something that did'nt agree with me. He did not seem to suspect anything.

 

The next day I told Jay I was done, that I felt horrible about what I did and that it could not happen again. He seemed okay with this but at the same time dissappointed b/c as I said before he and I are very good friends- and honestly if you are attracted to a friend of the opposite sex who is'nt homosexual- there is sexual tension. He was suffering from sexual tension. Seeing Jay hurt and disappointed made me feel bad- I could'nt help it. I started to leave several posts/threads about this; all in regards to Jays feelings- everyone who responed pretty much said the same thing " How can you be concerned about Jay's feelings? You should be concerned about Rye's. Maybe you're not ready to get married" I found this all to be bull ****- I responed by saying they were wrong and that I loved Rye and I made a mistake and that everything was gonna be okay. I was so wrong.

 

 

I desided not to tell Rye about what happened. My friends said "don't tell him, it's not worth you're relationship- it was only kissing- it meant nothing, don't hurt him over nothing." I agreed with what they were telling me-it was so not worth hurting Rye over. So I kept it to myself and hoped it would all just go away- I thought "it was my problem, I was selfish, this has nothing to do with Rye- he's great, I will work this out by myself and everything will be fine" Wrong!

 

 

When you are with someone for over five years you establish a connection, you can read one another and deep down Rye knew- he never came out and said it but he had a feeling that something had happened or was going on b/t Jay and I. One night it all came out- he asked me and I told him the truth. My God what an awful feeling to know you hurt the one you love the most, the one you should respect more then any other person. I was ****. He woudl'nt touch me or look at me.

 

Over the course of the next couple days he and I did a whole lot of talking. I figured out why I did what I did- I was lonley and feeling neglected by him, I felt this way long before anything happened with Jay. In preperation of the wedding Rye had took on another job. He was working a lot, he was working hard for us- I thought "Who am I to bitch about how much he's working, he's doing it for us- he's doing it for me" "I can't tell him to stop or tell him that I'm feeling neglected- that's super selfish." So I never said anything and I felt this way for about a year. I figured once we were married things would settle down and we would be together and everything would be the way it was before.

 

During all this I spent lots and lots of time with Jay, I really liked his company- it was better then being by myself and Rye trusted me and we were all just good friends that it was not a problem. I mentioned sexual tension before- well I was feeling it- I tried not to. But I had spent more time with this man then my fiance in the past year, he and I had become very very close and one thing led to another and that was it, but it never came close to the feelings I have for Rye, he was the one I was meant to be with.

 

Rye and I had rediscovered the importance of making time for one another. Jobs, friends, family, wedding planning- all these things can take you away and make you forget how important your time together and your making time for each other really is. Rye and I both put blame on ourselves for what happened. I don't blame him, I blame myself for being to scared to tell him how I felt- if I would have, what happened with Jay would not have happened. I never stressed to Rye how much I needed him to spend more time with me- thinking it was selfish of me to. Rye blames himself for letting work and money take over and forgetting about how important it is to make time. This has been a hard lesson for the both of us. I tell you this very long story because I want everyone who is questioning their marriage to really think about why. Don't put blame on the other person, I never and will never blame Rye- marriage is a huge commitment- "til death do us part". Don't be afraid to talk to one another, that's why 50% of marriges don't last- people needed to realize how important communication is. I always felt that if a man asks a women to marry him- he is taking a great step. For a man to decide it's time to settle down, you must be one very important person in his life to do so. Saying yes is only the beginning, marriage is work and if your in it for the long haul you have to give and take and accept and listen to each other "til death do us part" Thanks everyone- I apprieciate any feedback you want to give bebe