Jump to content

I am afraid I am emotionally abusive to my boyfriend


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

First of all, I apologize for any grammar mistake or problems in coherency you're going to find in this post, but English is not my native language, plus my mind is already all over the place. What started as a summer fling turned into a long distance relationship about a month ago. I am a student in Southeastern Europe and last summer I took a job in Northern Europe during my school holiday. There, I met a guy and we immediately clicked off. I am 22 and he is 25. He was into me as much as I was into him and we had an amazing time. I realized that I had feelings for him, and he confessed his feelings for me but said that he did not wish for a long distance relationship and that we should just enjoy the time we had together, to which I agreed. Besides the 'physical' fun, we connected incredibly well on a spiritual and emotional level, and this is what kept us together. Before leaving his country, we had a discussion about what was going to happen with us and he said that he still couldn't see a relationship working between us and that our communication should drop in frequency after I leave for home. Already having feelings for him, I told him that it is best not to talk at all because I needed time to get over him since I was too invested in this and wanted more from him. He agreed and we said goodbye.

 

He contacted me a month later, saying that he had been driving himself crazy overthinking and that his place felt empty without me and that he was willing to buy me a place ticket to go and visit him - and I accepted. At that time, he still did not make anything official with me, but claimed he had not been involved with anyone else since meeting me. His job includes working two weeks per month far from home, so one week per month we spend together, in which i am the one doing the international traveling since he is tired from work and needs to relax at home. One month ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend and be in a serious relationship. Prior to that, we had a long conversation about what it would mean for us and our future and we decided that since i graduate university this year, we would have to be long distance only for 4 more months until i could move to his country.

 

All things fine, except our 'bickering'. It's a bit ironical that we can talk like two mature human beings about serious matters, but our arguments come from the most trivial things. He is my first serious relationship and the man i have invested the most into. He has had prior me two relationships, lasting no longer than 6 months. I know I am an impulsive person and overly-sensitive, I have always been. So one conversation that created one of our first arguments was when he seemed to be disappointed in how i looked without any makeup. He described me as 'not so bad' and said 'i am not gonna lie, it is a bit weird to see you without black around your eyes'. (mascara and eyeliner are the only makeup i wear, and occasionally lipstick). It hurt me but at the same time I tried to keep my dignity and not make a big fuss about it, and only asked him if he found me attractive. His answer was to stop looking for validation from the outside, to which I started to cry and feel like ****, which made him uncomfortable. He has told me numerous that he had always liked blue-eyed blondes and mostly because it is something he would like to pass on his children, then he made some remarks about the color of my eyes being 'incredibly dark' and 'looking like they have no color at all.' I tried to keep it cool and not seem too sensitive, but one day I felt I couldn't take it anymore, after he was complimenting other women with words he never even told me, so I started to feel insecure about the way I look and wondered if he was attracted to me. He told me I manipulate him into making him apologize and feel sorry about me for some jokes he made and that he feels on edge.

 

Last night, we had an argument over text. He has told me during our conversations related to relationships that he lusts for any hot girl he sees and that he doesn't remember the number of sexual partners he has had (he is my second one), and that we are incredibly different in this matter. He said that even though he fantasies about others, he would not cheat on me. He has tried to talk me into having a threesome before, to which i refused. Long story short, he has been spending every day at work with one girl. He tells me about their conversations and he seems excited to talk to her. Again, I tried to not seem crazy and didn't ask much about it. As expected, I started to feel more and more insecure and sent him a text in which i said "I know it might seem out of nowhere and maybe irrational, but i miss you and i have this overwhelming anxiety that i cannot physically be with you now so I need to ask you if you are interested in somebody else."

 

His reply was "i don't know where tf this came from, but no, I would say I am not." It only escalated from here, because I told him to explain himself and what that meant because he didn't seem sure of his own answer. He told me he is mostly driven by his instincts and that he sees hot girls he would like to f*ck, but that he just walks by and never does anything about it, to which i reply that I understand his 'urges', but this is what differentiates humans from animals, so while I get it, I also know that he is able to control himself. I would have moved on, but he said that no, it is too difficult for him to control it and that my brain is wired differently than his and I cannot understand. I told him that I wanted him to be happy, so if it meant being single and free to just tell me, because he has told me numerous times how much he hates the long distance thing. At this point, he started to call me a f*cking terrorist, saying that it is very annoying to live with someone like this, and told me that I twist his words and manipulate him to make him feel like he needs to apologize to me constantly. He accused me of having someone else (which is completely wrong), and told me that i project this on him instead. He also says he feels entrapped by me every time we have an argument and that his gut feeling tells him to run from me when I act like this, but that he stays because he knows i'm a good girl, yet he hates arguments; he also said that he would never try to have a LDR if it weren't with me, because he finds the struggle worth it.

 

We solved our fight and everything was fine before we went to sleep, but I cannot stop wondering if this is normal behavior, and I mostly worry about me. I am afraid of being a toxic person for him and I wish we could be the kind of easy-going and happy couple, but it is difficult since I am, from as long as i remember, an anxious person. I have dealt with panic attacks and overthinking since I was 4, things he already knows. I want to be a good girlfriend and a trustworthy friend, but I feel i am my own worst enemy and I don't know how to control my bursts of worry and emotion. Thanks to whoever has read this completely.

Posted

I am sorry you are going thru this. 6 months and his relationships tank. Look at him, I have never heard such rudeness about no make-up in all my 66 years. Nothing trivial about that; the first time without make-up is usually just a turning point. He is manipulating you into upset. Can I persuade to move on from this clown?

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

Trust me on this one, but what comes out of his mouth is not what a person cares about you would say. He is toxic, and a jerk. What he is doing with those conversations is to lower your self esteem so you don't hookup with anyone else. It's about him controlling YOU, putting you down, manipulating you thinking you are the bad person. This is mental abuse, and he wants you think this way. I know I have been there...this guy is bad news and you need to get away from him.

 

 

Guys like him look for girls like you with those weaknesses.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 1
Posted

This man is bad news. I see a world of heartache for you in store if you continue with him.

 

He has a player mentality, is far more interested in getting his sexual gratification than building a loving relationship to last. A lot of men these days aren't willing to commit to a real relationship, because it takes a lot more focus and dedication than a bunch of flings and mini relationships.

 

Don't waste your time being another of his time-fillers.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

Thank you so much for taking your time to help me. I forgot to mention that my guilt comes from the fact that he was very disappointed in me for asking him that because he felt I did not trust him. I apologized and told him that i know he would not cheat on me but I still needed his assurance.

Posted

Well, he was unwise to start telling you how you are SO not his physical type and how he wants to F everyone who walks by. Not smart of him, I must say. Probably true for a lot of guys though.

 

I don't know if you can trust him or not. I don't like him trying to take someone who has only slept with two men and try to drag you into a threesome. That is the biggest red flag to me. You should tell him you will never agree to anything like that and see if he still wants to be with you.

 

Being apart, you will never know what he's really doing. In my experience, if you're not in the same town, it's a high probability that a man will see other women.

 

That said, if he keeps working towards you two being together and in light of you not being the mild "see not evil" type who will blindly trust him, then I think that means he does care about you. So if he chooses to make a life with you, maybe decide to trust him until he proves you wrong.

  • Like 1
Posted
Thank you so much for taking your time to help me. I forgot to mention that my guilt comes from the fact that he was very disappointed in me for asking him that because he felt I did not trust him. I apologized and told him that i know he would not cheat on me but I still needed his assurance.

This doesn't change what I posted. This guy is bad news. He's going to keep messing with you emotionally no matter how much of a GF you can be. Any person would have called him out on his comments...he's just being a jerk.

  • Like 1
Posted
Well, he was unwise to start telling you how you are SO not his physical type and how he wants to F everyone who walks by. Not smart of him, I must say. Probably true for a lot of guys though.

I think there's a trend toward more open honesty in relationships, and overall I think this is a good thing. Knowledge is power.

 

I don't like him trying to take someone who has only slept with two men and try to drag you into a threesome. That is the biggest red flag to me. You should tell him you will never agree to anything like that and see if he still wants to be with you.

Agreed. Plenty of guys have this fantasy, but for most it will never be a reality. It would work a lot better as a casual encounter with two random women. But most men can barely get one woman, let alone two for a casual encounter, so they try to put this on their woman. If you've said a hard no and he keeps pushing, that's just slimy. At that point, he's treating you basically like a hooker without pay.

  • Like 2
Posted

Yowza.

 

I think you mis-titled your post. You said that you were afraid you were being emotionally abusive to your boyfriend when the story is that he is the one being abusive.

 

Look up the term gaslighting, because that is what is happening to you. Yes, you are telling the story from your point of view but everything you says indicates that he avoids your emotions and uses them to turn it back on to you.

 

Some relationships are meant to be flings. Count yourself luck that you have a chance to get out of this one at a relatively small price.

  • Like 2
Posted

Break up with this piece of sh*t right now and don't look back

 

He is so gas lighting you it's not even funny

 

He is being super emotionally abusive and manipulative and turning it around on you

 

I wouldn't be suprise if he is a narc

 

Let this toxic mf go

  • Like 2
Posted

My tag line says it all:

 

If the person you're with treats you in any way other than well, and you keep sticking around trying to make it work, you're no longer a victim of what they're doing--you're a volunteer. ~ Derrick Jaxn

  • Like 1
Posted
My tag line says it all:

 

If the person you're with treats you in any way other than well, and you keep sticking around trying to make it work, you're no longer a victim of what they're doing--you're a volunteer. ~ Derrick Jaxn

 

I love me some Derrick jaxn

  • Like 1
Posted

A somewhat insensitive dude here.

 

Holy smokes. That guy is a grade a douche. He makes me look like the most sensitive thoughtful guy out there. Dump him. You are the one being abused emotionally.

Posted

You've got it backwards.

HE is emotionally abusive... a pretty vile human being at that.

 

I'm not for ghosting but honestly in this case I would just fall of the map and never talk to him again.

  • Like 1
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...