mabel75 Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 So the scenrio is this: My friends dating this guy since she was 15 on and off until she was about 25. She's now 28. They remained good friends, she doesn't want to be with him because she just lost that "feeling" for him a couple years ago, but still loves his friendship and she has since gone on to date numerous guys some over a year. I've adored her ex, but not in any other way then "wow, what a great guy she has, I'm happy for her..." Well, him and I have been spending a lot of time together because he's doing some contracting work in my home. I now see him as single "Mike" rather then "Gina's ex-boyfriend". There is a lot of chemistry between us. I haven't had a relationship in 10 yrs, but I've had plenty of dates I'm just very particular over that certian connection I need to feel with a man. And for once I really, really feel that with him! She knows that I'm interested, and I told her I would never date him without her consent. She didn't really flinch, but I'm sure it would bother her, plus it would make for some very akward situations, if we should end up dating. I still feel unethical sometimes when I think of dating him. At the same time, I have searched high & low for years for just one good guy that I actually feel chemistry with....what do I do???
Copingsaw Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 Ouch. Your in a tough situation. You will probably have to make a decision, him or her. 10 years is a long time and the emotions probably still exist. If you start dating him, it could ruin your relationship with her. Ask yourself how important your relationship with her is. If the possibility of a meaningful relationship outweighs the potential loss of a friend, then you may want to go for it. Just be prepared for the potential consequences. You said they are still friends. How about him? Is he willing to damage his relationship with her? Guys can usually get past those issues a little easier but it may still play a role in his decision-making process. I'm sure he knows it could be an issue.
Author mabel75 Posted September 19, 2005 Author Posted September 19, 2005 I know, it's a very tough situation! He knows it's uncomfortable and he's refered to it as being "weird", but things are starting to change in both our mind sets. The temptation is becoming much harder to ignore, everytime we talk. Just for the record, he never broke her heart or anything like that, if anything it was the opposite. There is a part of me that thinks maybe I should not have him go forward with my kitchen renovation and find a reason to hire someone else, but theres something still in my mind that says "go for it, you've been waiting a long time for this and I deserve it" and then I think of the consequences and I just don't want to look like a bad friend. If we actually ended up dating, yes, absolutely, things very well could become extremely serious and who knows what it would lead to.... Is this abosulely wrong, or can it be understood??
Edu-Chk Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 I'm 24 and I have been with the same man since I was 14. Our relationship is starting to simmer down and I'm pretty sure that we will be going our separate ways soon. With that said, I can't imagine what I'd do if a good friend of mine decided to date him. I do believe that it would totally kill our friendship and make me second guess a lot of advice she gave me over the years about my relationship with him (did she have her own motives?). I would recommend that you don't date him, he's just one man and there are plenty more where he came from. No one should be denied their true love though, and if you really feel that he could be "The One" then I recommend you talk to your friend first and see how she would feel about it, before you decide to persue this fellow. In the end you may have to choose between a good friend, or man that it may or may not work out with. Either way, I wish you luck!
Copingsaw Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 Is this abosulely wrong, or can it be understood?? Wrong can be a matter of perspective. In your friends eyes it may be wrong. However, this has to be about you and him and not her. Its like if you decide to leave an employer that you feel loyal to. It probably feels wrong and it may not be the best thing for your employer but its the best thing for you so you need to do it. Your employer may be mad at you because of it but thats the price you must sometimes pay to maintain your own happiness. You need to have a heart-to-heart with your friend if you move forward. Tell her what you are saying here. Clearly this is not easy for you. She may not be happy about it but if she knows whats in your heart then she should at least understand and not hate you for it.
feejane Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 I say go for it, obviously after a heart to heart with your friend. But if she is really against it what kind of friend is she if she denies you happiness with a guy you really feel for? Especially as she was the one who ended the relationship in the first place. At the end of the day you are all adults, I am sure you can sort this out in a mature fashion. It may be awkward for a while, but in time I'm sure things would settle down, you may even laugh about it one day. It is a risk I know, you have to be really sure about how you feel about this guy before you risk your friendship. but if you decide that your feelings are strong enough I think it is worth the risk. You have to look after number one in this world. Not saying that your friends feelings don't matter but you shouldn't deny yourself happiness because you are worried that your friend might feel 'awkward'. True love is very hard to find and true friends should want the best for you.
Author mabel75 Posted September 19, 2005 Author Posted September 19, 2005 I appreciate all the advice, you've all given. It makes me feel a little more confident and less guilty in a way, I guess. She did ask me a few weeks ago if I would ever date "Mike" and I said yes. "I would love to date him in the perfect scenerio, 1. you where involved with someone 2. I knew he had no more romatic feelings for you 3. I would ask for your consent before that would even happen" Her reply was "Well, if that would make him happy, then I would be happy for him". See the other twist is her sister is also one of my best friends, so I could essentially lose 2 very powerful friends in my life. Her sister would be very upset with me.....but then I believe in the rule of thumb you've all been preaching....if he is that one I've been waiting for, then it would be worth it to me. I'm a 29 year old single mom, never married and too busy the last 10yrs to even have any relationship outside of the occassional fling or blind date. We'll see, maybe all this will fizzle out and I'll be left with no decisions to make after all. At any rate, thanks again!
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