frankspeci Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 (edited) I started multidating. I'm 33. I met two women so far (both 33), and I've been on about 4-5 dates with each. It's recently become sexual. We don't text or call everyday, hang out once a week, and we haven't come close to talking about exclusivity yet. I like both of these women. It's possible, but I'm not sure if or when I'd want to be exclusive with either, and I'm also actively looking to date other women. I started dating very late in life, so I feel like I'm making up for lost time in addition to figuring out my wants and who makes a good fit with me. It's hard to trust my instincts about this. Growing up I'd always been naive and the type to only date one woman at a time. Very beta. After a few experiences I'm realizing that investing too early doesn't seem to work and also turns women off. So I'm attempting to play the field, but I want to do it the right way. I don't entirely know the rules. Any tips? Do I just keep doing what I'm doing and wait until the exclusivity talk comes up? Or do I have to say something? It seems weird to to voluntarily tell these women "look I'm dating other people, I don't want you to get the wrong idea." They could very well be dating other guys too, they both seem experienced. At the same time, we're in our 30s. I don't want to waste anyone's time or let things get too far if they dont have the right impression. Thanks. Edited February 17, 2019 by frankspeci
some_username1 Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 With respect it's very easy and non-weird to bring up. You just say "so what are your dating goals?" "Oh okay, just to let you know that mine are to date around until I'm certain I've met the woman I want to be serious with..." etc. The question is are you rationalising it as weird because really you are trying to convince yourself that it's better to say nothing? Voluntarily bringing this up is voluntarily playing your hand and risking having the house of cards you have built swept away- which appears to be why so many people opt for the path of least resistance and prefer not to be up front about what they are up to. Cake eating, essentially. Seeing as you are now sleeping with both women you should probably say something and let them decide if they are happy going forward knowing that you are intimate with a 3rd party. Would you be comfortable with the thought of each of them sleeping with a 2nd (or maybe 3rd) man concurrently whilst they are dating you? 2
Author frankspeci Posted February 17, 2019 Author Posted February 17, 2019 (edited) Would you be comfortable with the thought of each of them sleeping with a 2nd (or maybe 3rd) man concurrently whilst they are dating you? Honestly, if I'm dating other people, I think it's only fair that they are able to. And until I decided whether I wanted to be exclusive with any woman, I'm completely fine with if they are dating other guys until one person asks for exclusively and the other says yes. In the meantime I'd prefer to not know. I'd rather not think about it (so I guess I'd be comfortable with them doing it, but not the thought of them doing it). That's partially why I haven't brought it up. Edited February 17, 2019 by frankspeci
basil67 Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 I would suggest that multi dating ceases to be honorable when you start getting sexual without the other partners knowing. They should have a right to choose whether or not to engage in sexual activity with a person who's got multiple partners. You're right that it's a difficult conversation to have, which is why I would suggest having the discussion before getting sexual. 8
Garcon1986 Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 A male perspective would be that it's wonderful to have multiple partners you can sleep with. Women are typically quite the opposite. I would discuss with them as early as possible, so they can give their honest input into the situation.
losangelena Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 If I were in this situation, I think as a woman I’d like to get some clarity over the type of relationship we had. If we’re just hooking up, I wouldn’t really care if the guy was hooking up with others, but if we’re dating, I’d be less inclined to be okay with it, especially as we got physical. Either way, I’d want to know.
edgygirl Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 The honorable thing to do when one intends to sleep around is letting the people we're dating know - tell them you are seeing other people and also having sex with others. Some won't care, some will stop seeing you. Multidating is fine and kinda expected, but I personally wouldn't want to be sexual with someone who's sleeping with other women at the same time. 1
Gretchen12 Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 As a general rule, in dating as in everything else, don't lie. That includes lying by omission. So if she asks you, what are you doing Saturday night, you say "I have a date". If she asks if you're also sleeping with the other woman, you say yes. It is telling the truth plain and simple. Anything else is a lie and you won't feel good about yourself. That's why multidating is not as easy as you think it is. It's hard for honest people to pull it off.
mightybop Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 I was recently in this situation. I liked two girls. Started having sex with #1 but then when it started with #2, I didn't go back to #1, I felt that would be just wrong. Plus I like #2 better and had to break it off with #1. Tears and everything, felt bad 1
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 After 4-5 dates and sleeping together, many looking for a relationship are going to have hopes and expectations raised as a "relationship" has been formed. Yes, there are going to be tears and everything, why wouldn't there be, as they have been led on to think that is something more going on, that someone loved the 4-5 dates and liked them well enough to sleep with them. 2
central Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 I multi-dated, and if things were about to become sexual with someone, I'd discuss my dating goals, and disclose that I'm seeing others - and would continue to do so until I decide to become exclusive with someone who wants the same thing. Until then, they are free to do as they wish, of course, or they can ask for exclusivity - I may agree, or not, depending on who else I'm seeing and my feelings about how things may progress with each. The key thing is to be honest about things, so the people you're dating can make an informed choice. Surprisingly, it often happened that they didn't care that I was seeing others, and were fine with having a sexual relationship with me, non-exclusively. Some weren't looking for long term, while others were. Eventually (usually sooner rather than later), I would reach a clear decision point about each person I was dating, and vice versa.
preraph Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 I really think you should bring it up before you even go out. Say, You know, I am not just looking for hookups, but I am usually dating a couple of women, just so you know. And tell them, I missed the "dating around" part of my youth, so I am seeing what it's like now. Some women won't have it, of course. But I think most know that if they meet you on social media, you're dating others as well.
Author frankspeci Posted February 18, 2019 Author Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) Thank you all for the feedback. It helps me gauge my bearings. I did just come across this article which seems a little different than the advice I'm getting here. Not sure... https://www.glamour.com/story/how-to-correctly-date-multiple Some excerpts.. Keep Your Dates on a Need-to-Know Basis As P puts it, "Don't feel guilty about seeing more than one person, because you can make it weird, and don't overshare about more than one person." If they ask you what you're doing on Saturday, tell them you are "busy." If they ask what you're doing, tell them you're "meeting up with a friend." If they ask which friend, defer, or lie. And don't, under any circumstances, bring it up yourself. That's just an issue of common courtesy. When you're on a date with someone, they deserve your undivided attention. Maybe, more importantly, they deserve to feel like they have your undivided attention. It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It Most people you meet are prepared for you to do something ****ty to them. ****ty things happen all the time. But there's a big difference between a bad thing done poorly and a bad thing done well. L, a friend I can only describe as having advanced degrees in the science of online dating, says, "My personal experience is that people don't worry about what is happening as much as they do how it is happening. It might be sucky that you're not going to be free for the next week, but it is good that you responded to the text quickly. People are generally equipped to handle bad events better than they handle bad attitudes or treatment." It's unavoidable that you're going to let some people down. But a little consideration, some warning ahead of time, an acknowledgement of fault, and a sincere effort to protect the people around you will go a long way. Be in the Moment Think of dating less as an iterative process for finding someone perfect and more like a series of potentially enjoyable evenings with beautiful strangers. For a large stripe of people, especially in cities, dating one person at a time is uncommon, if not completely fictional. But even if I'm seeing 40 women, at any given moment, I'm with only one of them. And if you find yourself thinking about one person you're seeing even when you're with the others, well, that's a good problem to have. Edited February 18, 2019 by frankspeci
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 OK but it all sounds a bit caddish... not really honourable at all.
Author frankspeci Posted February 18, 2019 Author Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) OK but it all sounds a bit caddish... not really honourable at all. Ok, well maybe I need to rephrase, because my end goal is to not unnecessarily hurt anyone, but at the same time not unnecessarily "make it weird." I want to fall in line with what the expected dating practice is, and since neither girl has brought up to me that they are multi-dating (I don't know that they are or aren't), I'm reluctant to volunteer info. I can also relate to the pretense of exclusively with the assumption of non-exclusivity, because that's how I would want to experience the courtship phase. I'll have to keep thinking on it. I will definitely be honest if they ask me directly though. I knew that much going in. Edited February 18, 2019 by frankspeci
mortensorchid Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 If you (or anyone else) meets another person through OLD, it would be foolish if not downright nieve to think that the person you are meeting is not multi dating as well. The other day I had a doctor's appointment (the Ob/Gyn) and they were asking about my "habits" as it was relevant. The doctor said women often say to him "I'm monogamous but I don't know what he's doing". I almost laughed out loud at that. The fact is that people lie, be they men or women about these things. But I digress ... What are the odds these relationships are going to go anywhere? If you are looking to be serious with either, then you should make some choices, and make them soon. 1
Gretchen12 Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 Hahaha, I'm not entirely surprised that glamour magazine has an article advising people to lie. You're long past your formative years. By now you are who you are.
The Dude Abides Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 Hello Frank Congrats on getting out there and meeting the ladies. I agree with all the prior advice about not lying to your dates. It's fair game if they ask and it's fair game for you to ask them questions. And anyone can decline to answer, but that might end up driving someone away. I think it is good practice to tell the person you're seeing that you're not necessarily agreeing to be exclusive, especially once you've started having sex. Your date can decide if that bothers her or not. From my somewhat limited experience with this, albeit from ~thirty years ago, some of my GF's talked a good game about being open minded, but it didn't take long for them to get possessive and get a little nutty about our prior agreements.For the most part, I was a "one GF at a time" kind of fellow. Sometimes I was a bit overwhelmed with just one gal in my life and having more than one was a lot of work:eek: .
Navybluegal Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 The responsibility rests on both partners’ shoulders to have a discussion about the “rules of engagement”. As a woman, with experience I realized that I am going to have this conversation before getting intimate with anyone to enure that we’re on the same page about multi dating and sexual practices. Unfortunately, not all women are experienced or mature enough to bring this question up. So I personally would recommend having this conversation for your own sake. Otherwise you may find yourself in the middle of big ol’ drama in a few weeks when they get attached to you inevitably and realize that you have been sleeping with more than one woman. Also, it’s in your interest to have a sexual health discussion, since I would imagine you are having oral sex with them, which, unprotected, could lead to unintended consequences. And yes, it would be the honorable thing to do to be clear with them about your intentions and current Status. Even if it means possibly losing their company if they are not OK with this arrangement. 1
some_username1 Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 Hahaha, I'm not entirely surprised that glamour magazine has an article advising people to lie. You're long past your formative years. By now you are who you are. Haha I know right? It's like, "I could quote from this Trappist monk lifestyle magazine on multi-dating, or Glamour. Hmm....". The sad thing is the level of rationalisation they had to stoop to to come up with a solution that worked for them, the best they could do was "hey, people do bad things all the time- don't worry about it!!". Sheesh....
Andy_K Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 At the end of the day this is really simple... proceed with honesty and treat other people how you'd want to be treated yourself. If you had their level of interest and emotional attachment, would you want/need to know? If not, then leave it. If so, then speak up. This allows those with views or moral codes that don't match yours - in either side of the spectrum - to swiftly filter themselves out.
damni Posted February 18, 2019 Posted February 18, 2019 I do not think you are doing anything wrong. Neither woman has brought up exclusivity and you only see them once a week, with little contact in between. To me, that shows a lack of commitment and boundary. However, if one of them asks then you should be honest about your intentions.
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