clementinetree Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) A past, romantic interest of my boyfriend's is coming to town in a couple of months for a short holiday. This woman and my boyfriend are now friends. He told me that there was definitely great interest to pursue a relationship, but ultimately the physical distance between where they both live resulted in his decision to move on and just remain friends with her. As far as I know, things never got physical, but they spoke everyday after their trip, which his how they met (they met on a cultural group trip). There was definitely hurt on her side, and I was told that she emphasized this when he informed her that he started dating me, which was not long after he decided to just be platonic with her. Admittedly I was apprehensive to start dating a man who had just moved on from something so recent, but I took a chance and this never ended up hampering or interfering in our relationship. To this day, this woman and my boyfriend remain quite good friends, and still speak often. I asked my boyfriend if I'll get the chance to meet his friend, and I was met with "Uhhh sure, I guess. If you want." I chalk up his unenthused response to the fact that this is in essence, an awkward situation for everyone involved. It's not as if I'm asking to meet someone that he has historically always been platonic with. I asked because I both want to meet her, and thought it would be a nice gesture to show her around (my boyfriend would be working most of the days that she would be here.) My boyfriend has never given me any reason to doubt my trust in him, and has been transparent with me about their friendship. I too have experienced the rejection of a romantic interest and then later was presented with the opportunity to meet and hang out with the new girlfriend. In that situation, I politely declined. So if my boyfriend's friend were to also decline, I'd understand. But a part of me is questioning whether or not this would actually be "okay." If she wants to remain an important part of his life as a friend, shouldn't she also at least try to get to know me as well, seeing how I am important to him? Should I necessarily view an aversion to meeting me as something concerning - ie. she is having trouble moving on and my boyfriend maintaining the friendship could be worsening this? I should mention that I haven't actually reached out to the friend, and haven't ran it by my boyfriend again, except for the one time that I asked. In the end, I wouldn't want to force anyone to do anything that they aren't comfortable with. I know I can't be friends with everyone, and it's not my goal to aggressively befriend all of my boyfriend's female friends. I just feel that at the very least, it's important to meet the people in his life that he's close to. I'm just having trouble discerning what to do or how to understand a situation like this, where there were feelings and hurt involved, but she remains a part of his life. While I know all I can really do is ask and see what happens, I'd like to get some insight on how others view this situation. Thanks! Edited February 13, 2019 by clementinetree Grammar, Clarity
smackie9 Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 Why not make it a group thing where you invite some other friends, and all of you hang out, including some single guys. I'm sure he has some best buds that would like to meet her too. Have a board game night, have some snacks, music...make it a party. 2
Author clementinetree Posted February 13, 2019 Author Posted February 13, 2019 Why not make it a group thing where you invite some other friends, and all of you hang out, including some single guys. I'm sure he has some best buds that would like to meet her too. Have a board game night, have some snacks, music...make it a party. That's a great idea! I would definitely bring that up when the date of her arrival came closer. I forgot to mention that I definitely wouldn't ask to meet her one on one without a hangout that had my boyfriend present first. I totally get how asking to hangout with her one on one right off the bat would seem almost interrogative or intimidating. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 this would have me on edge too. She's the "one who got away" meaning if she was closer he might be with her now, & never met you. Perhaps she's changed enough for him to realize he got the better deal: you. Group things would be great. Even if it's just the 3 of you, be gracious & warm. Remember you won. You got what she wants. You have to be overly kind here because anything else makes you look like the bad guy. I would not be happy about them one on one at least initially.
Author clementinetree Posted February 13, 2019 Author Posted February 13, 2019 this would have me on edge too. She's the "one who got away" meaning if she was closer he might be with her now, & never met you. Perhaps she's changed enough for him to realize he got the better deal: you. Group things would be great. Even if it's just the 3 of you, be gracious & warm. Remember you won. You got what she wants. You have to be overly kind here because anything else makes you look like the bad guy. I would not be happy about them one on one at least initially. Thanks so much for the response! I agree - while I do trust my boyfriend, a lot of one on one time between them isn't the most comfortable of scenarios for me. I should also add that he's mentioned to me that after getting to know her for the past several months, there are aspects of her personality that he isn't fond of and finds difficult to deal with as her friend. He even went as far as to say that if the distance was no longer a factor and I wasn't in his life, he still wouldn't want a romantic relationship with her, as a result of getting to know her. Of course this did serve to quell some of my anxieties and insecurities, but I know that he does still consider her a good friend, which I am completely fine with. So in consideration of that, it's not too much for me to ask for a group (or trio) hangout, right?
Versacehottie Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 I also think the group idea is the way to go. Great way to show that you aren't threatened by her and accept that they are friends. Also makes you more real to her so that perhaps if she still has feelings she will be able to do the right thing. I think hanging out alone at this stage is probably a little much and would maybe indicate that you "care" more than you should and actually are threaten and looking to check her out and compare yourselves. You can to make sure that you don't end up looking or being insecure from all this. But yeah I think addressing it head on by inviting her to a group thing is a great idea. Good luck
kendahke Posted February 14, 2019 Posted February 14, 2019 Do you want to meet her because you really want to be friends with her or do you want to meet her to size her up, mark your territory, assuage your intimidation of her? That's why he was unenthusiastic--because this could go really badly. Anyone can see what lays at the end of Intimidated Road. I should mention that I haven't actually reached out to the friend, and haven't ran it by my boyfriend again, Do not reach out to her when you don't know her and haven't been introduced to her... most likely, she will refuse the meeting. I know I would--and you'd go on block. I could hardly see what I have to discuss with an ex's new flame. He's her mess to handle now, not mine. Reaching out to her will not put you in a confident light. He needs to make the introduction happen and if he won't, then it's not going to happen unless you go behind his back and do it---and that opens up its own can of worms. If she wants to remain an important part of his life as a friend, shouldn't she also at least try to get to know me as well, seeing how I am important to him? Remember, this is him giving you his spin about what she wants. You haven't had a direct conversation with her about her intentions are. So no--she doesn't need to get to know you unless you both want to be each other's besties that badly; but like I said, I don't think that is anywhere near your true intentions here. At the end of the day, none of this is about her: this is about whether or not your boyfriend is truly 100% present with you or if he's marking time until he sees his opening where he thinks he's got his chance with this chick and he will bolt. 1
elaine567 Posted February 14, 2019 Posted February 14, 2019 Of all of the towns in all of the world she decides to come to your bf's town for her holiday... 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 14, 2019 Posted February 14, 2019 Why in the heck would you bring around a woman your bf liked? I would never want to meet his past loves and I'm 100% sure he wouldn't want to meet mine. Your bf shouldn't have any ties to her. May just be me, but I put my foot down on past romantic interests.
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