why are guys so scared of commitment?? do girls scare men that much??

[chichi]

well i have been seeing this guy for about three months and today we got into a fight about how i want a relationship and he doesnt so i told him that i didnt want to just casualy see him anymore because i care about him and i want to be with him. he seemed like it didnt bother him the only thing he said was that it sucked that it had to be like this but he doesnt have the time in his life to be serious with anyone right now. he also told me tha the likes spending time with me and that he really likes me alot. i dont know what to do back off and hopefully he misses me or maybe he wont i dont know what to do about this i dont want to let him go because we have so much in common and we get along so much please help me figure out what to do and please dont say anything like if he likes you he will come back has anyone ever been put in this situation? and if so what do you do to get them back in your life.....help!!!!

[Gala242]

It is clear that he doesn't want any type of commitment with you so you need to move on. Find someone who wants the same thing u do,

[RecordProducer]

He is not in love with you. You may choose to give him somemore time or move on now. But you can't make him love you or commit. Three months is more than enough to figure out that you want to be in a relationship with someone. He is not the only guy in the world.

 

Yes, he might miss you and come around, but most likely only for fun and sex.

[flowergirl]

The consensus is correct. You can't make a man who doesn't want to commit suddenly change his mind. Believe me, I've tried, as I'm have others. It is an insult to the beautiful person you are, DON'T DO IT!!!!

[Pyro]

It varies from guy to guy. Some just want to casual date for the sex, some maybe are interested at first, then maybe lose interest rather quickly, while others have crashed and burned before from past experiences and are afraid to get hurt again. Not all of us are afraid, we just need to find the girl for the job.

[Copingsaw]

I'll pile on and basically repeat what others have said. He probably isn't scared of commitment, he just doesn't want to commit to you. Time to cut your losses and find somebody who appreciates you.

[Cecelius]

How old is he?

 

I don't know where I read it, but I've heard a stat. that it takes a man 6 months to fall in love at a minimum...

 

Seriously, you may have jumped the gun. In my opinion, three months is perhaprs too soon to be getting what seemingly amounts to "play me or trade me." Perhaps the language you used caused him to think of marriage, babies and mortgages.

 

Even if it wasn't that serious a talk, there is nothing that can wring all the fun out of what really IS a NATURALLY OCCURRING committed relationship like someone whipping out a serious chat like that.

 

Perhaps he was just not that into you, but I would strongly recommend that you hold these conversations for later in the relationship. 3 months is barely enough time in my opinion to get to know someone before they start demanding time from you.

[feejane]

What is it that you actually want from him? Exclusivity? More time together? a promise that you will get married/have babies or just to promise that he won't dump you?

 

If it is just exclusivity and a bit of time together, are you getting it already? I think a lot of time girls ask for verbal promises of commitment when in fact they are actually already getting all the commitment they want.

 

And then if they were to promise you the world, you are the only one for me, I would never leave you etc etc etc. You know deep down these are promises that they cannot really guarantee to keep.

 

Asking for commitment is like asking for a guarantee of stability, but life isn't stable and no amount of promising will make it so.

 

Although, If it is as black and white that he is sleeping around with other people, you want exclusivity and he won't give it to you, move on.

[chichi]

it's not that i want him to tell me that he is going to marry me or anything like that but i want tto know that we are togther and we are the only ones sleeping with eachother. i really like him but he just says he has too many things going on in his life and when i told him that i wanted us to stop talkign he was really upset and was saying that he doesnt want to but he understands that i want a realtionship but he doesnt right now. i dont know what to do about this he says he really likes me and he does come over alot well not anymore but he did what to do ? what to do?

[whichwayisup]

How old are you both?

 

He likes you, but isn't ready to settle down. What he said is pretty clear and don't make this about you. It's not about you, it's about him and where he is right now in life. Who knows, maybe in afew months things could change....Until then you can decide if you want him in your life as things are now or end it, take a break. Whatever you think will make you happy.

 

Hang in there and keep posting!

[alphamale]

Three months is more than enough to figure out that you want to be in a relationship with someone.

I must respectfully disagree RP....3 months is long enough to figure out whether or not you want to continue seeing someone but it is not long enough to know whether you want to commit exclusively to or marry someone.

[feejane]

Hmmmm. Well if he really can not say that you will be the only one he will see romantically then I would get on with your own life, You cant make someone do something they don't want to.

 

If he still wants to see you, in the current situation, which I guess is just as '**** buddies' you have to ask yourself can you handle it emotionally? I had a 4 year relationship like that and it started off as exactly the same situation as you. I wanted more to start with, he insisted he didn't, I got over it, went with the situation, we both saw other people and it was great most of the time. It never ever got any more serious than that though, not saying it wont in your case, just unlikley.

 

Sounds to me like he is using you a bit, which is fine as long as you can use him back. If you can't distance yourself emotionally from it though, get out and quick. If you really get on that well and want to stay as friends that sleep with each other every now and again I don't see anything wrong with that. Just don't be afraid to drop him as soon as you get a better offer, because don't kid yourself that he wont do the same to you.

[basscatcher]

I can completely understand your deliema. I too was in a similar situation. I met a guy (39) who would call me almost every night of the week and we would talk on the phone for 3-8 hours each evening. He expressed to me he didnt want to get into a serious relationship and that he didnt beleive in relationships. He expressed in so many beat-around-the-bush words that he was only involved with me and that he trusted me that I wouldn't sleep with someone else. He and I did not date, he and I never went out in the dating going out fashion. We rarely and I mean rarely got together except when we were very lonely (physically). All the long late night phone calls started to drift off after 3 months. He started to back off from me and I started to really feel it after about 4 months. I was blind to the fact that I was falling head over heels for him until my mom and friends confronted me with my own feelings which i was in denial over. He recognized it and that is why he backed off. He told me it would be a big mistake for me to fall for him and that he couldnt make me happy. I was hurt, confused and angry. I moved on but couldnt get him out of my head.. He and I still talk about once or twice a month and he knows I have been trying to move on from him.. He is relationship phobic. He doesn't admit it but I have expressed to him that I think somewhere in his life he was deeply hurt by a female and he doesnt trust to get close to another one out of fear of being hurt again.. He is a great guy and has a lot to offer but he has issues.. I wish things could be different with him and I but I know it won't unless some miracle happens and he wakes up out of his shell.. I have chosen to move forward with my life and I chose to not tease myself with dreams of him coming around, waking up, realizing "whatever" kind of thoughts of him and I getting together and having a real relationship. I learned what a friend with benefits was being involved with him. I was blind to what was happening until I was caught in the middle of it. I am worth more then a "sexual benefit" to a man who only wants me when he choses. I will not sell myself short anymore if I recognize what is happening. I will not settle or live on a dream or hope with a man who is relationshp or commitment phobic.. Its all heartache, pain, stress, wasted energy and thoughts... I still care for the man and still communicate with him very very occassionally but I cannot live on a dream and I don't think you or anyone should ever. Very rarely does someone come out of their zone when we desire then too. It's best to step back and move on. You need to do what is healthy for you and will make you happy. Hoping, dreaming and holding onto someone who doesnt want to commit to a exclusive relationship is a set up for hurt... If he does wake up and realize what he lost, because he was in his own selfish self protected world, he will find you. I don't know if my example of my experience makes sense to you or anyone but if you continue to try to prove yourself to him, try to make him see what he is pushing away (you), if you try to give and give hoping to win him over and open his eyes you will exhast yourself and cause scarring in your own heart. Every infliction of rejection you recieve from him while trying to convince him you are a great catch will only make it harder for you to trust him or any other man that comes into your life.. You will set yourself for disappoint. I'm sure of it. It wasn't easy for me to give up on this guy.. I wanted to convince him that I am a good woman and I have a lot to offer him that could make is life easier, smoother and he wouldn't be alone or lonely. But the more I tried the more I was disappointed when I didnt get a possitive response from him I hoped for. I felt myself closing off from the thought of a man loving me or wanting to be with me. The repeated rejection was stripping me of my confidence, my self esteem and hope. It became unhealthy to me. I beleive you need to step away from this man and do what you need to do for YOURSELF...... Sorry for the rambling. I just feel very passionate about this topic because I have experienced it.. It's very uncomfortable and it hurts..

[Nyasa]

You know what really tears at my heart, that we women, as wonderful, beautiful and as sensitive as we are, allow ourselves to waste our precious time and self-resepect making a million excuses for why men do not give us the love, attention and commitment we deserve. We really do waste valuable time and potential on WORRYING and analyzing these guys that are obviously not interested or have a lot of growing up to do b/f they are ready for you.

If we are really honest with oursleves we KNOW we are not being treated the way we should be or that they just aren't into us the way we want them to be and it would take us practically emotionally killing ourselves to change their minds and hearts and that is in itself is a waste of our time as well.

I think it really is a lot more simpler than we make it out to be. STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES, KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, BELIEVE THAT YOU DESERVE IT AND YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE ANYTHING LESS, COMMUNICATE THIS AND WHEN HE DOESN'T GIVE THAT TO YOU, MOVE ON! I know easier said, then done, I've been there, but the more and more I read these posts and apply it to my relationship, I realize one thing that comes up again and again, the women who got what they wanted, got it b/c they wouldn't take anything less and if they couldn't get what they wanted they moved on and 9 out of 10 times the guy finally came around!

Stop the worrying, stop putting yourself down and wondering what YOU could do to change them, be honest, be strong and if you do not see the results you want, get the hell out of dodge! Yes, some guys have issues, yes some guys need to grow up, yes there could be a million and one excuses as to why he is the way he is and why he isn't giving you what you want. BUT if you put out there very clearly what it is that you need and he doesn;t at least attempt to try to give this to you, then I think it's better to be on your own then putting yourself through emotional and mental torture.

I had to deal with a guy that was not giving me the romance, the attention, the respect and efffort that any normal person deserves, he was all words, no action. I came to this great website for advice and got it, the best piece being "all you can do is stay strong, stick to your guns, state what you need and want and if he ain't willing to try, leave him be!". It worked, not only did it work, BUT he became everything I wanted and more! I wasn't about to back down and I think he respected that, saw he could lose me and he turned some of his ways that he knew wasn't working for us and was hurting BOTH of us and changed them. I even got the "I love you" this weekend, geez! Now I am more aware than anyone that change is not so easy and bad habits are hard to break, but b/c he is TRYING so hard and I sense it is sincere, I am willing to think the best of it, BUT should he resort back to his old ways you better believe I am still going to make it apparent that I WILL LEAVE if I am being hurt or disrespected. There is just NO EXCUSE FOR THAT!

LOVE YOURSELVES GIRLS AND STOP WORRYING SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE THINKING AND HOW YOU CAN CHANGE THEM, THEY WILL ONLY CHANGE IF THEY WANT TO AND IT SEEMS WORTH IT TO THEM. YOU HAVE TO JUST OPEN YOUR MOUTH, SAY WHAT YOU NEED AND BACK OFF AND HOPE FOR THE BEST, IF HE DOESN'T COME AROUND THERE IS YOUR ANSEWER, HE JUST DOESN'T GIVE A ****, AT LEAST NOT ENOUGH. Don't make excuses for him, regardless if this or that happened to him and that is why he is that way, you can only be there for him, but only he can change the things that aren't working for him, but against him.

Walk away, try not to be bitter and don't let it affect the next relationship you have in a negative way. It is very simple, we know what we want, we know what we need and we know when it's also worth it to the other person. It hurts to admit someone doesn't care for you the way you do for them, but it's much better to build a good realtionship with yourself and self love than to try to put so much into that person and that realtionship. We are the only ones that allow ourselves to be treated badly, it isn't HIS fault, if you tried your best, gave it all you got, put out there what you needed and he still won't give it to you, then it's YOUR fault for staying and getting hurt again and again.

REAL love is hard work and it's not easy, but if you both keep putting in the effort then it can be the most fufiiling feeling ever!

[alphamale]

You know what really tears at my heart, that we women, as wonderful, beautiful and as sensitive as we are, allow ourselves to waste our precious time and self-resepect making a million excuses for why men do not give us the love, attention and commitment we deserve.

I agree NYASA but also remember that women can be manipulative, greedy, hurtful, deceptive, competitive and insensitive, just like many men.

 

And in addition....I don't think many women would know what the hell to do with a man who actually did give them the love, attention and commitment they deserved. Most women would run the other way screaming if a man like this showed up on their door step...

[Nyasa]

I agree NYASA but also remember that women can be manipulative, greedy, hurtful, deceptive, competitive and insensitive, just like many men.

 

And in addition....I don't think many women would know what the hell to do with a man who actually did give them the love, attention and commitment they deserved. Most women would run the other way screaming if a man like this showed up on their door step...

 

Yes, alphamale in a way you are right there are some women like that out there, I used to be one of them. BUT, those things I did out of self-defense, I thought if I have the upper hand I'll never get hurt and when a man was nice I did go screaming b/c I didn't trust it. It wasn't until a guy put me in my place and called me out on it that I realized I was hurting myself and my chances for anything worthwhile. It takes people time, some people too much time to realize that when we act like jack asses, manipultive bitches and players that it all comes down to somewhere along the line of life we felt so hurt, betrayed etc. that we built up this unnecessary wall and ended up sabatoging our own happiness b/c of what someone else did to us! It becomes a big cluster ****, she hurt me, so I'll hurt her and so on and so on. If we just realized that a person acts like a dick wad or an insensitve bitch when we are nothing but sincere, honest and nice, out of something inside of them and not b/c of something we did, then it could be much eaiser to move on and not drag that into our next realtionship. Trust is hard, being honest, accepting truth and not taking it to heart is easier said then done, but oh damn in a perfect world, if we could all be honest, communicate and not sabatoge ourselves b/c of the past realtionships would be so much healthier.

 

Believe me alphamale there are a lot more women phining for that good guy and would thank the lord when he showed up at the door, rather than run away.

It all comes back to fear, what a silly thing, it has damaged us all.

[basscatcher]

AMEN

 

Nyasa and Alphamale you both said it like it is. Yeeehaaaawwww.. This is the best post I have ever read. Guess cause it's so close to home...

[lost_in_chgo]

Most women would run the other way screaming if a man like this showed up on their door step...

 

So THAT'S why they keep running away from me!

[lost_in_chgo]

It wasn't until a guy put me in my place and called me out on it

 

Details?

[basscatcher]

 

And in addition....I don't think many women would know what the hell to do with a man who actually did give them the love, attention and commitment they deserved. Most women would run the other way screaming if a man like this showed up on their door step...

 

 

Maybe so, but I'm not in that catagory. I wish I had a man who gave me love, attention and commitment but I also want someone a bit rough around the edges. (It keeps the spice and interest.) I definetly wouldn't run screamin' unless he was a complete whoosebag and overly feminine. A real man's man can give a woman what she wants but also remain a man.