nasc88 Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Hi Everyone! First of all I'm not sure if this is the right forum but i'll start here. I need to preference this by saying I am fully aware of the fact that I sound a bit crazy. I have been working through some issues with a therapist about coping and spiraling SO I get telling this story about a guy I've known for 5 weeks seems a bit over the top. I met a guy on an app. We hit it off immediately. He had a child when he was in his 20's and has a very in my opinion unhealthy relationship with the child's mother. He is also divorced (4 years) and has a young daughter from that marriage he seems almost daily. So here is where the story starts. We text back and forth nonstop. Every time a new topic comes up we have even more in common. I am 42 he is 46. So then we finally meet up and we have a very lovely time. We continue to text back and forth. We then meet up a second time. Again have a great time and the communication increases. On the third date we're both out later than we had been, had a few more drinks that before and start making out by our cars. Instant chemistry. We then get home and proceed to text until 2 am. We make plans to watch the Super Bowl together at his house. I go over there and bring some stuff. I definitely had a few more drinks than I had planned on having and even said "if i have one more i'll be sleeping on your couch" as he pours me another drink. So long story short I end up spending the night. I should add we had had a conversation about sleeping with people too early and how it can change things. So we slept together. I even said "i didn't ruin anything right?" Again in the morning before I left sober this time. I think okay hopefully we're all good. Leave and go home. Immediately following the messages feel 100% different. Things are not the same as they were. I start to think I'm being annoying (and even say that - mistake i know). I even reach out at one point and say "I need to get this off my chest but me staying over didn't change things right?" So now I'm at a loss. He is distancing himself from me but will be cordial if I text him. He has not mentioned wanting to get together and it is clear he has no intention to do so. I have no idea what I did wrong to change this relationship in one night. What could have been SO bad? I am heart broken. This is where I know I sound crazy since I've only known him for 5 weeks. I can't get myself together (again my own issue). I just can not understand how I either completely misjudged him or did something so horrible that he would immediately loose interest. I REALLY liked this guy and it is crushing me that I have no idea what I did or what happened. Any thoughts on how to not blame yourself over and over again? What signs did I miss? I'm just so lost. Why didn't he just say "look things have changed I'm not interested?" etc.? Why torture me like this?
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 You change your behavior. 1. Recognize that it's easy to feel out of control with a new romance. Know your own limits. 2. Cut down on the drinking. With a new person you can't just jump right into sleep overs. You also really don't somebody well enough to let yourself be that vulnerable. 3. I wasn't sure from your post if you did or did not have sex with him. If you did, own your decision. You are an adult & your sexuality is your choice. If you didn't my advice is to stay out of the bed of a new person if you are not ready for sex. Your teenage / college years are over. Before you become sexually active with somebody, there's no teasing 4. Stop with the insecure behavior. You would have been better served simply carrying on as though nothing had changed. You seeking reassurance is highly unattractive & immature. Even if you need it, seek it else where not from the new person. For now, chalk this all up to experience is a tough teacher. 2
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 (edited) He was only after sex....you were hoping for serious eventually which I'm sure you mentioned in all those conversations you had.....still doesn't guarantee you protection from being ditched. Doesn't always matter when you have sex, he could have waited 6 dates later...still doesn't change his intentions. IMO if you want romance, then make sure the dates are about romance and getting to know one another...basically you were drinking and lusting, hanging out, which led to a 3rd date romp at his place...as he pours you another drink to get you off his couch and into his bed. Oh and texting shouldn't be counted as time spent. No, the proof is in the dates, where he takes you, how he treats you, buys you flowers, remembers what you tell him, gets you your favorite ice cream etc. Edited February 12, 2019 by smackie9
Author nasc88 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Posted February 12, 2019 You change your behavior. 1. Recognize that it's easy to feel out of control with a new romance. Know your own limits. 2. Cut down on the drinking. With a new person you can't just jump right into sleep overs. You also really don't somebody well enough to let yourself be that vulnerable. 3. I wasn't sure from your post if you did or did not have sex with him. If you did, own your decision. You are an adult & your sexuality is your choice. If you didn't my advice is to stay out of the bed of a new person if you are not ready for sex. Your teenage / college years are over. Before you become sexually active with somebody, there's no teasing 4. Stop with the insecure behavior. You would have been better served simply carrying on as though nothing had changed. You seeking reassurance is highly unattractive & immature. Even if you need it, seek it else where not from the new person. For now, chalk this all up to experience is a tough teacher. ********I agree with all of this. This is why I like the honesty that comes here. In all honesty he truly made me feel so comfortable. He put so much effort into getting to know me. Told me how he was seeking a serious relationship etc. etc. etc. SO I let my guard down. I don't regret having sex with him - I just regret that it seems like somehow it was the wrong decision for the relationship. My brother said the same thing about the insecure behavior. Those are my own issues to work on. You agree that even though he's sending cordial text messages it's fair to assume this relationship has run it's course before it even really got off the ground?****
Author nasc88 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Posted February 12, 2019 He was only after sex....you were hoping for serious eventually which I'm sure you mentioned in all those conversations you had.....still doesn't guarantee you protection from being ditched. Doesn't always matter when you have sex, he could have waited 6 dates later...still doesn't change his intentions. IMO if you want romance, then make sure the dates are about romance and getting to know one another...basically you were drinking and lusting, hanging out, which led to a 3rd date romp at his place...as he pours you another drink to get you off his couch and into his bed. Oh and texting shouldn't be counted as time spent. No, the proof is in the dates, where he takes you, how he treats you, buys you flowers, remembers what you tell him, gets you your favorite ice cream etc. ****No we were getting to know each other. We went bowling. We went to dinner. We walked out dogs. We had been out a handful of times before this evening. I never had more than 2-3 drinks the whole evening we were together. So like 2 drinks over 4 hours at most. He did things like send me starbucks e-cards with notes like "i bought you your coffee for tomorrow" and things like that. I really truly felt like he was going in that direction. I appreciate your honesty. You are probably right and I just refused to see all of the signs.*****
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Unfortunately he may just have been a jerk. For me especially when they made me feel comfortable, alarm bells would go off in my head & I reminded myself not to trust too easily. Hang in there!
Author nasc88 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Posted February 12, 2019 Unfortunately he may just have been a jerk. For me especially when they made me feel comfortable, alarm bells would go off in my head & I reminded myself not to trust too easily. Hang in there! ***thank you - I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to this***
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 At the risk of being too direct, how was the sex, OP? It may just be a lack of true chemistry for him once you two got in bed, and he doesn't want to hurt you by being up front and telling you as much.
Author nasc88 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Posted February 12, 2019 At the risk of being too direct, how was the sex, OP? It may just be a lack of true chemistry for him once you two got in bed, and he doesn't want to hurt you by being up front and telling you as much. **That could be part of it? I have never had that happen before but you're right. It was good, definitely not mind blowing. We did it a few times and sober in the morning. I will admit I didn't walk away thinking "wow that was amazing." So you could be onto something. I just wish we didn't have to play so many games. I have been making myself sick going over and over again in my head wondering what it is that I did wrong.***
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 I don't know if sexual chemistry (or lack thereof) has something to do with it, OP, but I wouldn't exclude it completely. Several years back now, I had the hots for a guy who quite physically attractive. I was blown away when he first kissed me. Was great. I was definitely intrigued and wanted to go further. When we finally did - well, I'll just say that something didn't click well for me. It's not as though it was poor performance on his part; there was just something missing that left me feeling underwhelmed. It's hard to explain concretely. We hadn't exactly been dating, but after that first sexual encounter, I was okay with not having a Round Two. Sometimes two people just don't mesh well between the sheets, for whatever reason.
chillii Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Yeah sorry to say but it's a dead duck. He might not have intended to just hang in there until he slept with you but that can change a lot of things later. lt'll either make it even better or kill it once and for all especially if she was half tanked. So even if he was legit , and who knows , but he's out now your not for him and he's just being polite.
Wallysbears Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Sounds like he was just looking to get sex and then once he did, he didn't feel the need to put in any effort any longer. I'm sorry. It truly sucks when you come across a guy like that.
lurker74 Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Unfortunately he may just have been a jerk. FWIW, I've been the guy in this situation a couple of times. Now I am very hesitant to have sex until the timing is right. I have this belief that the emotion and the physical side needs to escalate at the same time (unless it's just a hook up). If the emotion gets too far in front, you have just as many problems as the physical getting too far in front. It's best when the physical is the culmination of becoming closer emotionally. That can happen reasonably quickly but sometimes it takes a while. It just depends. But when I've had sex too early, it's like getting to the end of a movie and having a poor ending. It leaves me deflated (literally and metaphorically) with less interest in pursuing it further. It doesn't mean I JUST wanted sex...rather, it means after the sex it was (pardon the pun) anticlimactic. There is also research (can't remember where) that shows that just like women get hit with hormones that tie themselves to a man when they have sex, men that have sex early with a woman release hormones that decrease their ties to the woman. I'm not sure I believe either side of that but it probably contributes some. So he doesn't have to be a jerk. He could just be not interested in going further. If he were a jerk, he wouldn't be cordial to you when you text or perhaps he would have used you for sex another time or two. So in this case, I suspect he felt let down after the sex and just doesn't want to pursue it further. Having been him, I doubt he could explain it other than to say that he just doesn't feel the energy that would be appropriate for pursuing it further.
Redhead14 Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 (edited) "Why torture me like this?" Sweetie, he's not torturing you. You're torturing yourself. Forget this guy. I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a man, no matter how long she's known him in between, that she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless he shows her otherwise. And, you haven't known him for 5 weeks. You met him 3 times and spent some time together and then you slept together. That doesn't constitute "knowing" each other. All the texting prior to meeting, means doodly. But, in those 5 weeks did you ever have a casual conversation about overall dating goals? It's a good idea to make sure you are on the same page overall at least -- i.e. casually dating or seeking a long-term relationship? And, even if the man says he's looking for a long-term relationship, the woman needs to sit back a little and observe whether he dates her that way by scheduling nice/proper dates, maintaining adequate contact, etc. And, if she sleeps with him, whether he continues to maintain all that. It's not "your fault". He didn't change his mind about you because you slept with him. He wasn't thinking beyond that anyway . . . Edited February 12, 2019 by Redhead14
fred123 Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 He was only after sex....you were hoping for serious eventually which I'm sure you mentioned in all those conversations you had.....still doesn't guarantee you protection from being ditched. Doesn't always matter when you have sex, he could have waited 6 dates later...still doesn't change his intentions. IMO if you want romance, then make sure the dates are about romance and getting to know one another...basically you were drinking and lusting, hanging out, which led to a 3rd date romp at his place...as he pours you another drink to get you off his couch and into his bed. Oh and texting shouldn't be counted as time spent. No, the proof is in the dates, where he takes you, how he treats you, buys you flowers, remembers what you tell him, gets you your favorite ice cream etc. those behaviours are not classfied as intense?! if i did that a girl would back off from me
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