lif3sci Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 I made a mistake initially giving her signals of interest. Then I started avoiding her. We work at the same place so there avoiding doesn't happen easily. I dont talk to her but she sets herself up to be approached and smiles and stares, again and again and again. I reject her every single time. Then she turns sad, red faced, about to cry, again and again and again. Then she repeats the behavior, week after week, month after month. Been happening for close to a year. My coworkers telling me to **** her, keep her on the side for "favors", that she seeks validation, that she may be a slut, and to reject her directly in the face. I dont like rejecting women directly in the face. She is attractive but I ain't feelin her and the obsession is distracting. Is it some obsession, a psychological issue? She is attractive, well off, apparently better financial standing than me (nice car, clothes, etc), ahead of me professionally, and probably younger than me (around 25). Doesn't seem like a gold digger. Is very sociable with others around her. Somebody please tell me wtf this is?
Interstellar Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 (edited) She does not have psychological issues what she has is called high interest level. Your rejection of her upped it. Rejection is a powerful aphrodisiac. I have to bust you though on the “initially giving her signs of interest part” and “started avoiding her.” Because it sounds like you’re trying to get a nice ego stroke here. She was never on your radar. Now you have a mess on your hands. Under no circumstances should you listen to your coworkers. Don’t use women or anyone. Edited February 12, 2019 by Interstellar 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Don't look her way and keep avoiding her 1
stillafool Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Oh God do not listen to your coworkers and have sex with her. You will have a stage 10 clinger on your hands that you may never shake off. The next time she starts smiling and staring at you give her an annoying look. I know it is uncomfortable for men to reject women but in this case you have no other choice.
PRW Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 I made a mistake initially giving her signals of interest. Then I started avoiding her.Then you are part of the problem. She could be writing into us saying something similar about you Somebody please tell me wtf this is?How could you not know what is going on. It isn't rocket science. Just act like a decent human being toward her instead of acting like this is High School. She'll decide you weren't as great as she thought after a short time and you won't have to worry about it and you won't be making enemies and creating workplace drama in the process. 1
JuneL Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 What signals of interest did you give her initially? Why did you lose interest in her? She probably thought you haven’t made a move because you work together, and didn’t think of you inaction as rejections. She’s probably complaining to her friends that this guy is sending her mixed messages. She’ll probably get tired soon.
lurker74 Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Personally, I don't see a problem with having sex with her. She's an adult capable of making her own decisions, good or bad. But if you have no feelings for her other than just being nice, you should tell her that up front. If you truly do not want to do that, then you should just have a conversation and let her know this is the final time. That you are not now nor will you be interested in her romantically and that it is unfortunate if she thought you were (but don't say you're sorry or apologize). And not to hijack this thread, but if there roles were reversed and a guy that is farther along in his career were constantly trying to go after a female coworker, everyone here would be reading the guy the riot act (rightfully so). As the man, it's OK to be clear and concise in the reverse situation. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Keep all interactions professional focused on work only. Do not have sex with her. If she corners you tell her that you prefer not to be involved with co-workers. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Do not sleep with her ... people who ignore the negative signals like this coworker ... will take sex as the ultimate positive signal that you like her ... no matter how many words about "casual" you offer. She'll fall deeply in love with you (or more deeply) and later, she might get so pissed because you slept with her with no further interest. Avoiding sex with her is also important because I sense that there's something emotionally not quite right about this woman ... Something about the way she's holding on to her hopes for you, despite your disinterest ... My "desperation" or "bad social skills" alarms are ringing. On your side of things, you need to get over the fear of telling a woman you're not interested. Avoiding your coworker as opposed to just saying "I don't want to date"--work on that. That's a bit of elementary-school there. It's no more cruel for a man to indicate he's not interested than it is for a woman to do so ... The women who quickly told me they were not interested ... caused the least amount of pain! ... because I didn't waste more time trying to walk through that door. It was the wishy-washy ones (like you) who I suffered the most with ... because I misinterpreted their "nice" signals as positive interest. Get a voice ... You don't think dating her will work. I wouldn't even offer "friends" at the moment, because she's likely to think "friends" is a stepping stone to something more ... 1
kendahke Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 My coworkers telling me to **** her, keep her on the side for "favors", that she seeks validation, that she may be a slut, and to reject her directly in the face. You need to find a less feral group of friends. You led her on and now you don't know how to undo your damage. Rule #1: don't poop where you eat because of exactly what's going on right now. None of how she is justifies you intentionally debasing her for your own amusement or for theirs. You've got a mess to clean up. Hopefully you'll learn the lesson of this and quit pooping where you eat. 1
stillafool Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 It's no more cruel for a man to indicate he's not interested than it is for a woman to do so ... The women who quickly told me they were not interested ... caused the least amount of pain! ... because I didn't waste more time trying to walk through that door. It was the wishy-washy ones (like you) who I suffered the most with ... because I misinterpreted their "nice" signals as positive interest. Get a voice ... You don't think dating her will work. I wouldn't even offer "friends" at the moment, because she's likely to think "friends" is a stepping stone to something more ... I agree with the above wholeheartedly. If more men were bluntly truthful with women they wouldn't have to walk around wondering if the guy is interested. Just tell her you aren't interested. Period. 2
boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 No offense but you kind of sound immature and like you don’t want to man up and be honest with a woman. She doesnt have psychological issues, and she isnt obsessed with you. She just sounds young and inexperienced and probably has some anxious attachment issues maybe from dealing with avoidant guys who dont like to be the bad guy. If you want her out of your hair I suggest you just flat out be honest with her and tell her that you dont see things going anywhere and that you didnt mean to hurt her and you’d like to keep things strictly professional. Girls appreciatate honesty more then avoidance and ego strokes. Trust me on that! She’ll get over it quicker if you just be direct and quick about it. 1
preraph Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 Well, she's confused. But it's true she's kept it up too long. I think you should clear the air and say, Hey, listen, I really apologize for my part in this, but I feel bad to have to keep rejecting you. I probably shouldn't have been so friendly at first to make you think it was on, but anyway, let's both cool it now. I'm not comfortable with this at work. Or the short vague version is "I can't -- ever. Please don't keep asking." 1
FMW Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 I agree with preraph. Talk to her, put an end to it. Clearly "ignoring" her isn't working. 2
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 Oh God do not listen to your coworkers and have sex with her. You will have a stage 10 clinger on your hands that you may never shake off. The next time she starts smiling and staring at you give her an annoying look. I know it is uncomfortable for men to reject women but in this case you have no other choice. So true, sleep w/her and she will not let you go. Try to ignore as best you can. If not bring it up w/management, that's considered harassment. 1
todreaminblue Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 I feel for her...those co workers are her co workers too...what a low class morale system your workplace has to talk about each other in such a derogatory and cruel way.....explain to her you don't believe in dating co workers and apologise to her for giving mixed signals..do not under any circumstance discuss her with your co workers again.....they are possibly brain injured and will give you advice that is harmful and wrong..instead always have kind words to say about her and any one else you work with even the brain injured.....pick up on positivity that they may have inside them and illuminate the good...rather than the ugly.......deb
Author lif3sci Posted February 13, 2019 Author Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) I try not to talk about her to anyone but I've had different coworkers tell me "shes eyeballing you", "that woman is checking you out", "I think she likes you", "she's waiting for you, go get her", etc. This makes it very difficult to avoid her and to avoid the discussion. My workplace is very competitive and filled with politics; people are talking smack about others daily. That's why I can't tell if my coworkers are being honest. But the part about "checking you out" is 100% true. I don't have anything that can benefit her professionally nor does she appear a gold digger. She also has some friends from another department that I'm guessing are her "wing girls" who sometimes come into my dept to what appears like "check on me". It feels like highschool drama. She gets hit on by plenty of guys, so it's not like I'm her only option. I've rejected women in the past, even those whom I initially showed interest in but never bothered to approach. They got the hint and moved along within a month max. I'm curious why she still lingers.. Edited February 13, 2019 by lif3sci
bathtub-row Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 She still lingers because she’s emotionally immature. It’s that simple. 1
Author lif3sci Posted February 13, 2019 Author Posted February 13, 2019 She still lingers because she’s emotionally immature. It’s that simple. Meaning what?
basil67 Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 It means she has the maturity of a teenager. 1
Cersei Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 I agree that you just have to bluntly tell her you are not interested, it ain't happening type thing. I had a coworker on the other end of your situation whining to me for years about how the heart wants what the heart wants, blah, blah, blah. The guy was nice to her so she kept a small bit of hope even though I told her he does not see her that way. (He told me so.) You know when she finally got over it? Years later when she heard he slept with the work place skank! She hurt really bad then but she was so mad that her obsession was done. Rip off that bandaid fast dude. 1
Author lif3sci Posted February 13, 2019 Author Posted February 13, 2019 Should I date another coworker? ^^ It means she has the maturity of a teenager. Ok, lemme ask then what is the maturity of a teenager? Or rather, why does a teenager linger? She's mid 20s atleast.
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 My coworkers telling me to **** her, keep her on the side for "favors", that she may be a slut, and to reject her directly in the face. Gosh, with coworkers like this who needs enemies... Harsh! 3
stillafool Posted February 13, 2019 Posted February 13, 2019 Should I date another coworker? ^^ Ok, lemme ask then what is the maturity of a teenager? Or rather, why does a teenager linger? She's mid 20s atleast. It means she's either too immature to see when someone isn't interested in her and have the sense to let it go and move on. It could also be that she thinks she's so hot; how could you not want her and she thinks you're just putting up a front. 1
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