FallingInLove Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Thank you in advance for reading me! I've been with a guy for 7 months now. During the weekend, there was a conversation that lead to him telling me that he can see that I'm in love with him (but I never told him), but he's not there yet. Hearing it did hurt, but it lead to a nice conversation about our feelings and everything. The thing is, I've always felt loved by him. He's been consistent since the beginning: He calls every night, we spend 5 days a week together, we've met each other's family (we actually spend at least 1 evening a week with his), he's always there when I need him, we don't really argue but when there's a conflict, we can easily get resolve it quietly and get past it. He has shown me who he is, he's been vulnerable with me and I with him. He often puts my happiness before his own. When we had that conversation, he did tell me that he's really happy with me, always wants to see me and being with me just makes things better. He can see himself with me long term, but he doesn't want to take the next step (moving in together) as long as there is a gap between our feelings. He told me that he doesn't want our relationship to end, far from it, but the choice is mine, I need to see if I'm okay with everything that was said. He plans on going to see a therapist, because he feels emotionally unavailable, not only towards me, but with everything in his life (has a hard time saying I love you to family members also). To be honest, I haven't told him I love him in the past because I knew he wasn't there and I didn't feel ready to face it, so it's not like it's news to me... but hearing it kinda hurt. We did end up having a really nice weekend, he's still his usual self, funny, caring, attentive... so nothing really changed, except that the fact that he doesn't love me (be has feelings for me) is out there. I want to see where this goes. If it becomes a problem that I can't handle at some point, I'll end it, but I've always been happy with him and his actions have been nothing but loving, caring and consistent. Maybe I'm kidding myself into thinking that his feelings will grow and he'll love me?
olivetree Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 The thing is, I've always felt loved by him To be honest, I haven't told him I love him in the past because I knew he wasn't there I find these two statements contradictory. If you felt loved by him, how did you know he "wasn't there yet"? I think the most concerning part is that he has admitted he is emotionally unavailable. I would not be okay with that. You're giving your all and he's giving 50%... a well disguised 50%. Do you know why he might be EU? Is he not over a past relationship?
smackie9 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I would have sent him sailing a long time ago. I really don't know why anyone would sacrifice months with someone who can't say "I love you".
Author FallingInLove Posted February 11, 2019 Author Posted February 11, 2019 I find these two statements contradictory. If you felt loved by him, how did you know he "wasn't there yet"? I think the most concerning part is that he has admitted he is emotionally unavailable. I would not be okay with that. You're giving your all and he's giving 50%... a well disguised 50%. Do you know why he might be EU? Is he not over a past relationship? I don’t know how to describe it, but I felt as if he wasn’t ready to hear it, he gets super awkward when his own sister tells him she loves him. I don’t know and he doesn’t either, that’s why he’d like to go see a therapist. It’s not only in relationship but in general. There was a big situation in his family a few months back where they were all sacred about a potential illness and he wasn’t affected by it... which led him to believe that he’s emotionally blocked.
FMW Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Unless you are ok just being in a casual but affectionate relationship forever, I wouldn't continue to invest in your relationship with him. After seven months it's unlikely his feelings are going to change. The longer you stay with him the more difficult and painful it will be to separate. 2
divegrl Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Hi my friend These types of men do not change. Going to a therapist will not make him open to his emotions. You either need accept that he will be not able to show emotions. Or leave. This is always a hard situation and I have seen it go both ways. It comes down to your priorities and how much you are willing to compromise.
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Has he ever been in love before? How old are you two? If he's young & you are willing to be patient while he's in therapy, this may have some potential but it's not going to be easy.
Author FallingInLove Posted February 11, 2019 Author Posted February 11, 2019 Has he ever been in love before? How old are you two? If he's young & you are willing to be patient while he's in therapy, this may have some potential but it's not going to be easy. He says he has, but what he refers to is always infatuation and lust... he said that he feels like he doesn’t know what love is anymore. The thing is, he’s always there when I need him, he’s the most caring partner I’ve had, whenever I’m sad, he’ll call me and try to make me feel better, when he’s feeling like ****, he often asks me to come over because having me there just helps (his words). When the weather is bad, he’ll call and ask me to be careful because he wouldn’t want anything to happen to me... all those things are loving behaviors IMO... oh well. We’re both in our late 20s
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Wow that's a weird a** thing to say Like if I was in a situation where I havent yet told a guy I loved him and he all the sudden say "I can tell you love me but I am not there yet" a big part of me would say "I didn't tell you I loved you so how do you know I'm there yet?" Just to knock him off his high horse Lol. Anyways We are not going to disregard the fact that he has treated you well consistently for 7 months. However his statement is definitely something that would take me aback. I understand a man may have a different time table when it comes to I love you, wanting to move in, wanting to propose...and there is nothing wrong with that. But it's different when a man hasn't said I love yet vs admitting that he doesn't love you yet lol. Nothing against him since he is being honest by the way. Because many men could just lie lol but I imagine this could not feel good to you right now and just like he is doing what's best for him then you got to do what's best for you. I think me personally my pride couldn't continue on with the relationship lol. However if you choose to stay with this guy to see if feelings can grow then please please please set a timeline your comfortable with. Think how long would you give a man to confess he loves you? A year maybe? Well then for example this guy has five more months to get it together lol. If he still unsure about how he feels at the end of whatever your timeline is then you leave. Because you want to stay with someone who does love you. Also watch out for changes in his behavior. If he starts to become distant or not treating you well then you know you need to leave. Don't wait for him any longer if he begins to show you in actions that he truly don't love you!
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I would have sent him sailing a long time ago. I really don't know why anyone would sacrifice months with someone who can't say "I love you". How long would you give a person to say it before sending them on their way?
smackie9 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 How long would you give a person to say it before sending them on their way? 2 or 3 months....maybe less.
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 He can see himself with me long term, but he doesn't want to take the next step (moving in together) as long as there is a gap between our feelings. ^^^ this may be the real issue. Fear of commitment. I would be wary of man who needed therapy to sort out whether he loved someone or not. Relationships are hard enough when both are mad about each other... 1
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 (edited) It took my boyfriend oh gosh... 7 months to say it. And in the end, I said it first. Thankfully, my feelings were reciprocated. I would have been crushed if he hadn’t said the words back. I certainly felt loved by him. I knew that he was interested, I knew that he was committed to me... but, he had been very hurt in the past and it took him some time to trust me. Thankfully, he got there eventually... He says it now, but not all the time. I think some men are just not as comfortable giving compliments and saying I love you... just my experience. I would suggest that you ease his worries by telling him that you have no intention of moving in together anytime soon... 7 months is far too soon to be talking about moving in, IMHO. Especially if he is not excited by the idea and fully committed to moving in together. I would also let him know that you feel loved by him, that his actions mean more to you than the words. And yet, you can not be with a man who is not in love with you and not able to express his feelings. He has some personal growth that he needs to do, and he has already identified that... I’d give him some time to do that, before ending what has been a very good relationship for you... Just - put a time limit on it. You don’t need to tell him, but make a commitment to yourself that you won’t allow him to string you along indefinitely if he’s not making progress/committed to seeking counselling. Edited February 12, 2019 by BaileyB
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Thank you in advance for reading me! I've been with a guy for 7 months now. During the weekend, there was a conversation that lead to him telling me that he can see that I'm in love with him (but I never told him), but he's not there yet. The guy sounds absolutely full of himself! He thinks he is God's gift to mankind, that how can you not be in love w/him? I would honestly stay away from him because he doesn't sound like he will treat you well. Its manipulation, he is convincing you that you love him and is using that for you stay until he feels the same way. Bleh If he won't commit, leave, heck you don't even like him that much. Btw guys who tell you they aren't ready, usually NEVER make that commitment.
Recommended Posts