DM3535 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Hi there, I was wondering if I can get some advice on the following... I've been seeing a guy (X) for 6 weeks. Over the past 2.5 weeks, I've been fast-tracked onto a program for a clinical procedure to determine whether I have cancer or not. In short, I had the procedure and the initial diagnosis is that I don't have cancer (or another condition). I receive the full biopsy results in 3 weeks. I told X about the procedure and asked if he was available to come with me on the day. He said he'd check with his workplace to see if he could get time off. I asked him 3 days later if he'd checked - he hadn't - so instead I asked a friend to come with me which they did. Since then, X has been texting me saying how busy he is at work, and working long hours. Not that I doubt that, but he just kept repeating himself about this in each text (I didn't push him either). He texted me on the day of the procedure saying 'good luck' and the odd texts after asking how I was. Then nothing until today, asking me how I was and saying he'd been to see a mate in hospital over the weekend! I haven't seen him for nearly 2 weeks and I don't feel like he's made himself available or seen me as a priority through the challenge that I've had. Am I being treated like an option here? Or is it too early to determine this? BTW - he was in hospital last month & I supported him then
Mrs._December Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 First and foremost, bless you and I sincerely hope all your tests are negative. Honestly, this guy sounds like a real deadbeat. Look, I don't expect him to act like someone you've been with for years who would be expected to give you his full support with your medical issues. But damn, this guy has shown you loud and clear how much he DOESN'T want to offer you any support at all. Jeez, a damned monkey can text if you teach him, so his feeble 12 second texts are about as effortless and pointless as it gets. You asked him if he could take a day off work and he acted like a total ass about it and didn't even ask his boss. That was your answer, right there. You were smart to get a read on this guy early and ask someone who actually DOES care about you to go with you - and that friend didn't let you down. Honestly, what kind of half-wit can't even pick up the freakin' PHONE and give you the respect of a phone call to ask you how such an important procedure went for you and how you're feeling, and if you need anything? What a complete insult but it shows you exactly how much he cares. He's doing the absolute bare minimum. The only 'less' he could possibly do is not text you at all - and that's not too far from what he's doing now. I wouldn't even waste my time with this slug anymore.
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 You have only been dating 6 weeks. These are big asks You have a generous spirit & supported him but many people are not like that. He doesn't want to handle your medical issues. He's entitled to feel like that. A call would have been appropriate or some indication that he is interested in your health. His failure to do anything is problematic. I think you are misguided in seeking reliance & support from a relative stranger. I'm very private in that sense. I got sick on my HM . . .just a cold . . but I really wanted my new husband to go away into a another room & let me be sick alone in peace. I can't imagine asking somebody I had only known for 6 weeks to come to a medical procedure with me. 1
Mrs._December Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 BTW - he was in hospital last month & I supported him then Ugh. I didn't even see this til after I'd posted my reply. This is even MORE reason to dump this slug.
Kelliousme Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I can't imagine asking somebody I had only known for 6 weeks to come to a medical procedure with me. I agree with d0nnivain at a certain level. I wouldn't expect someone I've only been going out with for 6 weeks to come with me. This guy's might only hold some interest in you right now. If he's really busy, I don't think you should penalize him for not going with you. If he's been texting you and asking how you are, then that's fine. However, I want to ask.. does he seem concerned in any way? I think you should give him the benefits of the doubt for now as long as he seem concerned with your health. If not, then drop him. :/
PRW Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Am I being treated like an option here? Or is it too early to determine this? At 6 weeks, if you have not talked about becoming exclusive (officially BF/GF) then as option is all you are supposed to be or should expect to be. At this point you both should still have full freedom and should be able to also see other people at the same time (no matter if you actually choose to or not),...it is a mindset you have to maintain. On average in a well balanced situation where neither side is clingy/needy or over-zealous exclusivity typically happen at 2 months (7-8 weeks). But it can vary. If one person has shown a few red flags to the other one then the other one may take a bit longer till they are sure. he was in hospital last month & I supported him thenDid he ask you to or did you do it on your own,...be honest? If you did it on your own then it is just you, you can not put it on him and obligate him with it. Going into a medical situation like that with someone who is potentially only one of the women you are seeing it is a lot of pressure to deal with. This is something reserved for family, close friends, or actual established GF. I'm going in for something in 3 days that has to potential for cancer. I'm not asking nor expecting any that I casually date to go with me or even telling them about it. 2
PRW Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Ugh. I didn't even see this til after I'd posted my reply. This is even MORE reason to dump this slug.But it makes a big difference if he asked her to come or she did it on her own and then "uses it" to make him feel he should do the same.
Author DM3535 Posted February 11, 2019 Author Posted February 11, 2019 At 6 weeks, if you have not talked about becoming exclusive (officially BF/GF) then as option is all you are supposed to be or should expect to be. At this point you both should still have full freedom and should be able to also see other people at the same time (no matter if you actually choose to or not),...it is a mindset you have to maintain. On average in a well balanced situation where neither side is clingy/needy or over-zealous exclusivity typically happen at 2 months (7-8 weeks). But it can vary. If one person has shown a few red flags to the other one then the other one may take a bit longer till they are sure. Did he ask you to or did you do it on your own,...be honest? If you did it on your own then it is just you, you can not put it on him and obligate him with it. Going into a medical situation like that with someone who is potentially only one of the women you are seeing it is a lot of pressure to deal with. This is something reserved for family, close friends, or actual established GF. I'm going in for something in 3 days that has to potential for cancer. I'm not asking nor expecting any that I casually date to go with me or even telling them about it. Thanks for your post. I did this on my own back to support him. My question really was to seek advice if I am expecting too much too soon, and your advice supports that so thank you for taking the time to answer. It's made it a bit clearer in my mind. 1
PRW Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I told X about the procedure and asked if he was available to come with me on the day. He said he'd check with his workplace to see if he could get time off. I asked him 3 days later if he'd checked - he hadn't - so instead I asked a friend to come You only gave him 3 days to get it done. Some employers are very reluctant to give someone time off for that when you are not his wife or family member. He may already know that he has little chance of getting a "yes" from the company and is reluctant to ask them,...doesn't want to "rock the boat" at work over something that is not critical that he be involved in. Now if he was your husband or true BF and needed to drive you there and bring you home as part of the procedure that would be different. Where I work I would not be able to get the time unless I have remaining vacation time I could use for it. 2
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Because you are the kind of person who goes to visit others in the hospital it makes sense that you would want somebody who did that for you. I still won't fault him for not going but I will suggest that your differing views on the subject is some indication that you may not be compatible long term. 1
Author DM3535 Posted February 11, 2019 Author Posted February 11, 2019 First and foremost, bless you and I sincerely hope all your tests are negative. Honestly, this guy sounds like a real deadbeat. Look, I don't expect him to act like someone you've been with for years who would be expected to give you his full support with your medical issues. But damn, this guy has shown you loud and clear how much he DOESN'T want to offer you any support at all. Jeez, a damned monkey can text if you teach him, so his feeble 12 second texts are about as effortless and pointless as it gets. You asked him if he could take a day off work and he acted like a total ass about it and didn't even ask his boss. That was your answer, right there. You were smart to get a read on this guy early and ask someone who actually DOES care about you to go with you - and that friend didn't let you down. Honestly, what kind of half-wit can't even pick up the freakin' PHONE and give you the respect of a phone call to ask you how such an important procedure went for you and how you're feeling, and if you need anything? What a complete insult but it shows you exactly how much he cares. He's doing the absolute bare minimum. The only 'less' he could possibly do is not text you at all - and that's not too far from what he's doing now. I wouldn't even waste my time with this slug anymore. Thank you for your response. That's a view I saw too, but I also think I'm expecting too much at the moment too. The best thing I need to do is focus on getting better, whether X is there or not. Thanks again for your advice
FMW Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 He checked in with you before and after the procedure and i think that was the appropriate level of involvement at this very early stage in your relationship/acquaintance. At this point you should both be taking it slow and finding out if you are compatible, not sharing serious experiences like this. It is not inappropriate for you to treat each other as options at this point, it's a little soon for anything more unless you have specifically agreed to more. I hope your final results from the procedure put you in the clear! 1
JuneL Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I agree it’s a bit much to ask someone you’re dating casually to take time off work and accompany you to your medical appt. It puts too much pressure on your potential relationship. Some people also might not like you to visit in the hospital in that situation. I’m just curious to know if you’re required to have someone with you (e.g., if anesthesia was involved).
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 He's showing you exactly how far up his list of priorities you are. It may be early doors, but early doors most want to show themselves off in a good light...
olivetree Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I think it was too much to ask him to go with you to your medical appt at 6 weeks, assuming he was a stranger to you 6 weeks ago (as opposed to someone you've known a while that turned into a dating relationship). That said, if you haven't seen him in 2 weeks and he keeps saying how busy he is, it sounds like he is pulling the slow fade on you. Unless one of you is out of town, I would expect to see someone you're dating every week. Just going by your post, I'm guessing he realized after your request that you're ahead of him in feelings and now he is backing off... 1
Hedkandi Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 (edited) Hi there, I was wondering if I can get some advice on the following... I've been seeing a guy (X) for 6 weeks. Over the past 2.5 weeks, I've been fast-tracked onto a program for a clinical procedure to determine whether I have cancer or not. In short, I had the procedure and the initial diagnosis is that I don't have cancer (or another condition). I receive the full biopsy results in 3 weeks. I told X about the procedure and asked if he was available to come with me on the day. He said he'd check with his workplace to see if he could get time off. I asked him 3 days later if he'd checked - he hadn't - so instead I asked a friend to come with me which they did. Since then, X has been texting me saying how busy he is at work, and working long hours. Not that I doubt that, but he just kept repeating himself about this in each text (I didn't push him either). He texted me on the day of the procedure saying 'good luck' and the odd texts after asking how I was. Then nothing until today, asking me how I was and saying he'd been to see a mate in hospital over the weekend! I haven't seen him for nearly 2 weeks and I don't feel like he's made himself available or seen me as a priority through the challenge that I've had. Am I being treated like an option here? Or is it too early to determine this? BTW - he was in hospital last month & I supported him then Firstly, I hope your results are clear and you recover quickly from this procedure I think some of the responses here are right in some sense - it is early stages, so you're both really at the time when you're getting to know each other. However, it sounds like you've both had some challenges to deal with in this short time so it sounds to me like its been a tough time for you both. What I will say is that support can be asked to anyone or offered from anyone really, there's no boundaries. To put this in context, I have no family, very few close friends & no partner. At a time when I was going through clinical challenges (not too far from your experience), I found my work colleagues, acquaintances and even neighbours supportive to the extent they would visit me in hospital! I was very lucky, and know that not everyone has that. To put it in your context, you were entitled to ask the guy you've been dating for 6 weeks. He was entitled to say no of course. Except I get the sense from your post he wasn't upfront immediately saying he was unlikely to get the time off or explain his work situation, am I right? Also I'm not sure from your post if your procedure was within 3 days of asking the guy or whether you asked the guy and waited 3 days for a response from him to confirm? You sound like a giving person (like someone else has mentioned in this post too) but remember not everyone is similar. His ideals may be different to yours. I wouldn't expect too much at this stage, you may want to see how it goes with him but do bear in mind that he hasn't made himself as available or upfront (if applicable) at this stage, where first impressions do count. Edited February 11, 2019 by Hedkandi
central Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Unless you've both agreed to be exclusive, you're an option at this point. It's early days, and while it would certainly have been a great, positive behavior for him to support you, I'm not sure it can be seen as a negative (but, I would be less inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, and if you continue seeing him, should expect more signs of commitment with time). Also, some jobs make it difficult to take time off, so that could be a real factor for him.
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Good luck OP! Btw I'm with Prw on this one I don't have much expectations for my suitors in the beginning stages. I myself wouldn't have asked a guy to take off work for me UNLESS he was an exclusive boyfriend So I wouldn't cut him loose yet for this. Now if he is overall flaky about further dates and not asking you out anymore then you should cut him loose for that lol.
kendahke Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 (edited) Hi there, I was wondering if I can get some advice on the following... I've been seeing a guy (X) for 6 weeks. Over the past 2.5 weeks, I've been fast-tracked onto a program for a clinical procedure to determine whether I have cancer or not. In short, I had the procedure and the initial diagnosis is that I don't have cancer (or another condition). I receive the full biopsy results in 3 weeks. I told X about the procedure and asked if he was available to come with me on the day. He said he'd check with his workplace to see if he could get time off. I asked him 3 days later if he'd checked - he hadn't - so instead I asked a friend to come with me which they did. Since then, X has been texting me saying how busy he is at work, and working long hours. Not that I doubt that, but he just kept repeating himself about this in each text (I didn't push him either). He texted me on the day of the procedure saying 'good luck' and the odd texts after asking how I was. Then nothing until today, asking me how I was and saying he'd been to see a mate in hospital over the weekend! I haven't seen him for nearly 2 weeks and I don't feel like he's made himself available or seen me as a priority through the challenge that I've had. Am I being treated like an option here? Or is it too early to determine this? BTW - he was in hospital last month & I supported him then You're certainly being treated like someone with the plague. He's got time to go see a friend in hospital but he's got no time to come see you for 2 weeks and you're only 6 weeks in? And he's keeps repeating his excuse for why you've been demoted on the priority list? He's not invested in you or your relationship, so you need to act accordingly. Edited February 11, 2019 by kendahke
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