Infidelity in College

[Ferb14]

Hello,

 

Approximately 6 months ago I started dating this amazing girl who I had great interests for! A month and a half into our relationship I headed out to college and we transitioned into a long distance relationship. A month into college I cheated on my girlfriend sexually with another girl. The thing is that the cheating initiated with kissing one night where things were so unexpected. The fact that I thought I would never cheat made me vulnerable to cheating because I did not expect things to escalate so quickly in unanticipated manner.

 

Being a virgin Male at the time, I regret everything I did and I wish I could take it all back. I really want my ex girlfriend back but I am unworthy of her because I was selfish and ignorant to see how everything would turn out! I caused her great pain that I am unable to fix. Fast forward 2 months was when I told my girlfriend everything in person. She deserved to know the truth and i just couldn't live with the guilt. I know now that I am a person who can not lie, it's just not who I am. 4 months after I committed all of the grevious acts, I am still filled with guilt, shame and anger. I wish i could go back and change everything. I am almost 20 years of age and now I could care less about sex.

 

I don't want it and I tend to curse my manly sexuality because it wanted gratification that cost me a future with someone I could truly love. My ex was my first girlfriend and the love I am starting to feel is growing and growing. Love for me is a process that takes time if I am going to truly give unconditional love. My ex girlfriend forgave me and at the moment we are just messaging a little. I seek advice as to what I should do and handle this situation. I want my girlfriend to be happy but it pains me because I want to be the one for her and I know that I simply do not deserve this position in her life, or at least how I see it.

 

Personally I do not want to date her anytime soon if it does come to be. I do not want to date anyone or have sex or anything until I get married. I want to grow closer with God and see how things play out. She deserves someone much better than me, someone who will love her without limit. I just feel so unworthy and ashamed because of the destruction I brought to her world. I never want to cheat on anyone or her if it comes to be. I never want to feel so much pain ever again. I have cried more times than I can possibly count because of what I did and everything I lost.

 

Is there anyone with similar issue where two were virgins and one strayed? How did it work out in the end? Did you stay or leave?

 

We are both fairly young but I know she really loves me and I wish I our relationship would have been the exception. If we do I ever get together again, I feel that it will be in many months or years and this is if we don't find different lovers by then.

 

What advice can be given? Should I let her go and just forget about one another? Can we fix this and grow to be much stronger? Of the healing process, will the trust, love, commitment ever be the same? Are there any couples who came out stronger and is it worth it for us although we are young?

Edited March 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jamess1]

You are suffering from "toxic shame" which rooted in guilt : you are not merely saying what you did was wrong, you are saying that because of the 'wrong' that I did, there is something wrong with me: I now don't deserve this and that, I am now unworthy of this and that, I no longer qualify for this and that, I am now unclean etc You are subconsciously trying to punish yourself for the alleged mistake, and you have started making very dangerous 'Inner vows' : I never want to have a girlfriend, never want to have sex, and you are now cursing you God given sexuality and masculinity..

 

I understand exactly how u feel because I was born and raised in the same background as you, with same expectations in myself. The guilt that you have imposed on yourself will cause great harm on u in the future than the mere act of cheating on yo ex will. Typical of young Christians raised in 'legalistic background'...your girlfriend forgave u, God forgave u, but you won't forgive yourself.

 

All that u are feeling is just a result of mindset, a conditioning : your ex is fine, you weren't married to her, and this is the time for u to make mistakes and cheat, would want to make those mistakes when u get married ?

 

You are also suffering from 'OneItIs' :The false belief that there is such a thing called a 'soul mate', she is the one for me and there is no other. We were meant to be together. There is no such thing, there are many other girl that are good for u and many boys that are good for your ex. Soon she will find someone else and so will u, don't let that mindset keep u in bondage..

 

And remember,seks before marriage is not a sin.. Read this book and thank me laet...will change your life.

[Cersei]

I give you credit for admitting your mistake and telling her about it. Many would keep that a secret.

 

Cheating is not ok and never will be but please forgive yourself. Learn from it and move on from it.

 

Sorry to break the news to you but at your age this girl will likely not be your only girlfriend in life. Almost everyone does not life happily ever after with their first love. You are young so enjoy your youth. I mean don't be a man whore but have some fun with friends and enjoy your college years because once they are gone they are gone.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry to break the news to you but at your age this girl will likely not be your only girlfriend in life. Almost everyone does not life happily ever after with their first love. You are young so enjoy your youth. I mean don't be a man whore but have some fun with friends and enjoy your college years because once they are gone they are gone.

 

This is very true. The odds were rather stacked against you even prior to cheating, OP.

 

However, cheating is also a sign that you are not ready for a commitment. That is understandable, given your age and lack of experience, but I would stay single for a while. Have your fun, but as a single guy.

 

Even if you did reunite with your ex, the probability that it would result in a long-lasting and happy reconciliation are not so good. The damage that cheating causes is usually pretty severe, and you two had barely begun your relationship when it happened. What that means is that you hadn't yet built a solid foundation, one that she could reference in hopes that things would someday return to that happier place.

 

Given that you two are still in touch, you need to be honest about your feelings if she brings up reconciling. If you have no intention of dating her again any time soon, you need to let her know.

[d0nnivain]

The transition from HS to college is tough to begin with. When you add in the pressure of trying to sustain an LDR the problems are compounded. College is a time for growing & exploring. Most HS relationships don't survive. You are another statistic.

 

I know you think you love your HS GF but you don't. The fact that you were so easily tempted & you strayed is proof that this relationship was never meant to stand the test of time.

 

She will be off on her own college adventure soon. Just let her go.

[Ferb14]

I understand that everything was stacked up against me but everything initiated when I put myself in a vulnerable position that led me to cheat. As for the shame and guilt, it is slowing leaving my system.

With a possibility that my ex and I will get together again, even if it is in a distant future, what should I expect?

Can trust ever be fully restored? Can new memories be built on top of the bad ones? Can there ever be a fresh start? What are the implications of starting again even in a distant future? Have there been couples in this situation and how they handled it?

[Orokotikki]

Can trust ever be fully restored?

No.

Can new memories be built on top of the bad ones?

Yes.

Can there ever be a fresh start?

Not really with the same person. Symbolically? Yes and can be helpful.

What are the implications of starting again even in a distant future?

Not sure what you mean, but if you really love her, for both your sakes really, you should let her go and move on. The uncertainty will haunt and fester since it was so early in the relationship.

Have there been couples in this situation and how they handled it?

1) By moving on and ending the relationship.

2) By being together (NOT LDR) and reconciling.

3) Millions of failing and heartbreaking trainwreck variations of muddling along.

[preraph]

If it helps any, the odds are against sustaining a high school relationship when either one or both goes off to college. It's a whole big world with so many possibilities, and frankly, it's the time of your life, you SHOULD be exploring. In a few years, you'll want a family, and that's the time to stop.

 

You shouldn't beat yourself up about it. College is a normal time to lose your virginity, a normal time to look around and want to date different women and see what type people are there, and that's how you learn and expand your world. You shouldn't struggle to keep your world small. It's your time to be free and unfettered, and you should just stay single right now and not feel bad about having interest in getting to know other people.

 

Honestly, if it had been her who went away to college, it's highly likely she'd have done the same thing. It's normal.

 

All that said, it's best to just break up being exclusive before you become long-distance like that or go off to college. It's best to break up rather than cheat.

[smackie9]

Lesson learned, you can't undo it, life goes on. You will fall in love again, probably many times. Relationships will come and go. What happened was totally understandable...teenager with raging hormones...what do you think was going to happen? It's crappy, but it's life....we wouldn't be human if we didn't make mistakes.

[yololin]

Sex isn't a big deal. You are worrying over nothing.

[SmartDude]

Infidelity in college is like water in a bathtub.

[d0nnivain]

With a possibility that my ex and I will get together again, even if it is in a distant future, what should I expect?

Can trust ever be fully restored? Can new memories be built on top of the bad ones? Can there ever be a fresh start? What are the implications of starting again even in a distant future? Have there been couples in this situation and how they handled it?

 

Get through college separately first. You are both going to change in ways you can't imagine.

 

You will always be HS classmates & share history. Don't count on it or make decisions in case you get back together but those commonalities have a way of reuniting people if it was meant to be.

 

This past summer I went to the wedding of 2 HS sweethearts who broke up in college & got back together when they were in their mid 20s

[smackie9]

You are in college! A buffet of girls to be had, so don't waste this part of your life focusing on a GF. There will be plenty of time down the road to fall in love, and all that. She may have been your first, but she will not be your last, nor will the next one, and the next one or the next one after that.

[kendahke]

Your relationship was like a pristine, delicate vase. Cheating smashed it into a million shards. No amount of glue is going to return it to its pristine, whole, unbroken condition.

 

Keep your expectations on a tight leash when it comes to your ex... you may end up presuming way too much and draw back a nub.

 

She doesn't owe you what it will take for you to sleep easy at night. Learn from this. Develop self discipline so that you never, ever find yourself in this same position because you will if you don't do the work on yourself now.