Kate992 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Hello Everyone, Over a month ago I met a guy (He is a nerdy guy, told me he is not experienced in dating) who I am thinking may be a narcissist but I am not sure. I was dating narcissist/psychopath in the past for 4 months (that is my own diagnosis) but here few things are different. What do you think? Signs he may be a narcissist: 1. Love bombing - it is not very intense: he writes a lot but when I told him to slow down he did, we saw wach other 4 times during this month due to me or him travelling. On our second date I said I don't like my surname, he said "I will make a stupid joke now... ok maybe not.. nevermind I will - I could potentially change it"- he is joking a lot but maybe it was manipulative to trick me to think about it (?). He told me also he likes me and it's nice I am "a normal and rational girl". However the connection was strong from the beginning and I saw he is very interested. We also had great conversations which may be to nice for just one month of dating. 2. Once we went for a coffee and to order it we were supposed to ring the bell. He said he feels bad about ringing the bell and treat waiter as our servant and he went to order it by himself, when the waiter stopped him and told him to go back and ring the bell he said "I just wanted to order by myself" but with rising his voice. Except of this one situation he is polite but it alarmed me. 3. Once he said that since he has facebook everyone write him and needs something from him (self-centered?) 4. He likes to control everyting around him (after each date he was asking if I want to see him again) 5. He acutally talks about how empathetic he is (which makes it sound fake) 6. He was complaining that he is always organising some trips with friends and sometimes he's tired they are not helping him at all. I told him to not organize then and he said "Maybe I am doing it to make look myself as a knight in a shining armor?). Except of that he does not criticise other people. 7. One moment I am thinking he is a nice guy another he there is something off 8. He is sensitive to criticizm Signs that maybe he's not a narcissist: 1. When we started dating (first 2 dates) he seemed genuinely stressed 2. He's a bit awkward 3. He is critical of himself and also sometimes tends to get mad at himself when he does something wrong 4. He does not care much about his appearance - he is a nerd 5. He can admit he's wrong 6. He does not talk much about himself and do not brag much too 7. He is (or seems) honest and sometimes tends to say something stupid or overshare something. 8. He has friends and roommates (at last he said so) 9. He was always very respectful towards me (was not pushing for sex or anything) 10. I would not say he is very charming 11. We have a lot in common but there is not that much of mirroring, we have many different interests 12. When I look into his eyes they do not seems as blank as I felt with "my previous narcissist". Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 He's socially inept, possible Aspie, yes he is awkward and inexperienced. Sometimes guys like him don't mature or evolve to be able to have normal relationships with people...they are called "odd" at times, and well he is what he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate992 Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 He's socially inept, possible Aspie, yes he is awkward and inexperienced. Sometimes guys like him don't mature or evolve to be able to have normal relationships with people...they are called "odd" at times, and well he is what he is. Thanks for your reply. That was my first thought as well but I know some Aspies and he seemes more social then them. However it still might be true Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Do you like him? If not, let him go. That's all you need to do. A month in, it seems really odd to me that you'd want to focus on a diagnosis (I'm an Aspie btw - we're all different...) Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Nothing seems super narcy to me But keep observing Even if he may not have npd just watch out for anything abusive such as blaming, gaslighting, manipulating, insults, game playing, actual actions not matching words/promises, hot and cold, distance, being mean towards you Have a low tolerance for that sh*t. If he does then call him out. He does it again leave That will take care of anybody with toxic diagnosis Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Ask him the question Are you a narcissist? According to research it is just as accurate as the 40-question diagnostic test. Narcissists aren't afraid to tell you they're narcissistic, so a yes to the question is meaningful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DrNo1962 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 OP, Save yourself the time with all the psycho-analytics. I assume you're not a professionally trained psychiatrist and therefore don't possess the training for accurate diagnosis. If this person is making you feel sick in the guts or doubt yourself, then it probably means that the person isn't right for you. It's as simple as that. Dating is meant to be effortless, not a minefield. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) No, he's not a narcissist. How many people are truly narcissist? Like 5% of the population? Not you necessarily, but so many people classify their exes with cluster b personality disorders. What are the chances that you have dated 10 narcissist when they make up 5% of the population? He's a beta male. Which is like 80% of guys. Love bombing, insecure, trying to show you he's into commitment. He's trying to show you he's comfortable with commitment. This is a classic beta male strategy to show you he's not "like those other guys." Edited February 11, 2019 by TheFinalWord Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 (edited) Aka, wimpus americanus No, he's not a narcissist. How many people are truly narcissist? Like 5% of the population? Not you necessarily, but so many people classify their exes with cluster b personality disorders. What are the chances that you have dated 10 narcissist when they make up 5% of the population? He's a beta male. Which is like 80% of guys. Love bombing, insecure, trying to show you he's into commitment. He's trying to show you he's comfortable with commitment. This is a classic beta male strategy to show you he's not "like those other guys." Edited February 11, 2019 by Interstellar 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 (edited) A narc will abuse you, and the first sign of abuse is a feeling of confusion, so you would think along the lines of - - how can he love me but mock/hit/ignore me? So no, all the asking you out after each date is cuz he wants to make sure to see you. the "something off" is a bit vague - - but if you feel uneasy or that he is untrustworthy, that is an early warning too and you ought to move on. Edited February 11, 2019 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 He's a beta male. Which is like 80% of guys. Love bombing, insecure, trying to show you he's into commitment. He's trying to show you he's comfortable with commitment. This is a classic beta male strategy to show you he's not "like those other guys." So for the beta male strategy, do they actually want to have commitment or is it a strategy to get into the pants only? Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I am getting the picture that he's an average nerdy guy and that you are the really neurotic one who analyzes every little thing. From your post he's appearing to be more healthy than you. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 (edited) So for the beta male strategy, do they actually want to have commitment or is it a strategy to get into the pants only? All men's sexual strategy is to spread their seed to as many women as possible. Both the alpha and beta male end goal is to spread seed. It's the reason porn is so popular among men. However, different methods are applied. The beta male operates from the provider side of hypergamy. Basically, they don't have the looks and confidence of the alpha male so their strategy is to become the provider. "I'm not like those other guys" For the beta it has less to do with commitment and more to do with their limited options. They'll trade their provisions for access to sex (whatever those constraints look like in society; in ours its a monogamous relationship in marriage where a man puts half of his assets on the line...opposite of the alpha strategy of no commitment, no marriage and probably won't even pay for a date, let alone provide access to his assets). The beta is not doing this because he thinks this is an awesome deal for him. It's the only sexual strategy available to him. And often that doesn't work these days because women no longer need a man for the provider. Both due to the welfare state and more women than men in higher education. Which is why you will see a lot of betas working out, getting plastic surgery, basically trying to looks max to replicate the alpha. However, they still can't mimic the attitude. The sex for the beta is conditional rather than validational. Whereas a woman has sex with an alpha for validation (he's hot), she has sex with a beta based on conditions (he's rich). BTW all of these sexual strategies can be controlled, but it takes effort. If not, men would cheat non-stop with younger women, and women would monkey-branch non-stop during their peak sexual market value years. Hypergamy has become unfettered (women don't need a male provider), whereas men's sexual strategy is being constrained more and more each year (#metoo, a crime to ask a woman out, consent at each step, mansplaining, crime to spread legs, etc.), which is what is causing a lot of these dating frustrations. Edited February 11, 2019 by TheFinalWord Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 So for the beta male strategy, do they actually want to have commitment or is it a strategy to get into the pants only? There are no such thing as a beta/alpha males. But yeah, most men are looking for serious relationship especially among the age 25+ crowd. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 There are no such thing as a beta/alpha males. But yeah, most men are looking for serious relationship especially among the age 25+ crowd. This is directed to frus69 but I am piggybacking off of male intuitions quote I think what women need to understand is that when it doesn't work out with someone we want to work it out with is that just because a guy didn't stay with us or commit to us doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to commit at all or that he doesn't want a relationship. It does means he didn't want to commit to that particular girl or be in a relationship with HER. women should enjoy the love bombs and his sweet nothings in her ear but don't believe in them. Evaluate his actions towards you OVER TIME Some men don't know what they really want with a particular girl at the time they talking that good sh*t but they want to keep her around in until he becomes sure. Some men really feel something for a particular girl while they sweet talking but change their mind later. And sadly some do manipulate for more deceptive reasons. All men act promising at the beginning. Whether to get commitment or sex he has to sound and act favorable to win the girl over. Best thing a woman can do is open her eyes to red flags and reserve her excitement and belief until he has proven himself over time. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 How many people are truly narcissist? Like 5% of the population? Not you necessarily, but so many people classify their exes with cluster b personality disorders. What are the chances that you have dated 10 narcissist when they make up 5% of the population? Maybe not 10, but they are actually quite high if you tend to repeat the same patterns of behaviour or can't recognise the signs or attract them like moths to a flame. When you leave a very toxic relationship of your own volition, for a period of time your senses are heightened because you don't want to miss the signs again so you are on high alert. While it is true that those with an actual personality disorder are not very common, 5 in every 100 is not that rare when you think about it. I didn't know what my exH was before I got into therapy, and was told by 2 therapists there is a very high chance of him being npd but as therapy isn't his thing, he won't be assessed. OP, those who are truly toxic aren't just toxic to you; they are to most those around them too. That's who they are all the time, it's not circumstantial: when they have nothing nice to say about anyone but those who show them complete devotion, when they are nice to you but only in public, when you feel confused, like in a parallel universe when you never know what's real and what's a lie, when rumours are spreading about you behind your back to people you don't know so you are unaware or unable to defend yourself, when they isolate you from those who can unmask them, when they have a very small, always changing social circle, when their family history is full of drama when their friends and family (if they are close and not the same fog as you) as well as your friends and family warn you off them when nothing they say checks out when they ignore your existence for days on end while under the same roof, when they go back on their word for everything when they check themselves out in the mirror ten times a day when they are envious and jealous of everyone when they think they are an unrecognised genius when they think how unfair it is that society doesn't recognise their talents when their actions don't match their stated values, never mind their word That's a genuine dysfunctional person. That said, for any relationship, if things don't jive between the 2 of you, don't second guess yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Unlike most people on the internet, I don't make armchair diagnosises of people I've never met, nor am I QUALIFIED to even begin thinking I can or should. If he's not a good fit, just move on. Why waste all this time Google searching and trying to diagnose someone YOU barely know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 If he's not a good fit, just move on. Why waste all this time Google searching and trying to diagnose someone YOU barely know? Exactly... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Thanks for your reply. That was my first thought as well but I know some Aspies and he seemes more social then them. However it still might be true It may not be Aspergers but it maybe some kind of Autism. Link to post Share on other sites
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