Curiouskit76 Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 I've been dating somebody who I have an incredible connection with for almost 3 months now. The red flags for me are the White Lies there so many of them. I try to look past it because I don't want to seem negative but deep down inside it bothers me. For instance he went to the snow with his family but he came back with a swollen hand and arm which took a month to heal and he told me he hurt it when he was in the snow but really it was just some type of inflamation maybe from arthritis. The whole month I cared for him for his hand and it really bothers me that I was looking stupid in front of his family thinking it was what it was and I didn't know the truth. He ended up telling me the truth about a month later but got defensive when I got upset he didn't tell me the truth LOL... his reasoning was everybody was telling him to go to the hospital he didn't want me to tell him to go to the doctor. Recently he went to get his haircut and it got died and I asked him if he died at he said no he paid the barber $2 to diet but the truth is he dyed it of himself no big deal but why lie... Without pointing them all out he just randomly lies like that and usually lies are meant to protect my feelings but these lies are not like that and it bothers me. I have really strong feelings for him but again we've only been dating for a few months so I understand the truth always reveals itself slowly. Am I being negative for letting these White Lies irritate me all the time. Maybe we all lie a little bit I've lied before like when he invited me to his family's gathering before I even really knew him I didn't want to go so I told them a white lie to get out of it but actually I told him the truth later so I understand that but I don't do it all the time like he does just to be honest.
stillafool Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 How much older is he than you? I'm thinking he lied about dying his hair and the arthritis because he doesn't want you to think of him as an old man. He's embarrassed.
mortensorchid Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Why do people lie? Studies show that the most likely people who lie are extremely extroverted and their primary concern in life is what other people think of them. Truth. And have you ever noticed that there are some people out there who lie ALL the time, you k ow they are lying to you, and for some reason we just accept it from them? And then there are others who never lie and people get angry at them for telling the truth? Why? I don't know, life's complicated. And what is it that makes a person popular? And when I say popular it's not like the captain of the football team, head cheerleader, student body president kind of popular (although a person like that Falls under the catagory), it means a person who is well liked, has lots of friends, etc. Studies also show that it's someone who is adept at telling little white lies to others. But that aside, your situation - does this sound like your bf? He lies perhaps because he is ashamed of what really happened? Or perhaps he wants others to think he's not up to somethin somethin when he is? Maybe he's embarrassed? 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Uh ... lying about his hand injury is not a white lie ... that's a major lie ... about his health ... and about him. Where did you get to labeling that a white lie? A white lie is I'm on the way to a job interview ... I'm late and heading out the door and my partner tells me I look good even though I don't. She holds back from saying the truth because I don't have time to fix myself up any better. He is lying about himself ... his hand ... his hair ... first of all, these lies are weird ... weird lies, not white lies ... and in my experience, the people who tell weird lies are almost always emotionally troubled and messed up and ultimately untrustworthy. There is no way you can be emotionally intimate (as in trust someone) who tells you basic lies ... Sorry, these ain't white lies ... These are just lies. Start heading towards the exits. You really don't want to negotiate with liars or ask liars for clarification or explanation. They'll simply make up more lies ... and it's tempting to rely on the cover-lie ... to excuse the initial lie. Get out ... 1
basil67 Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 I agree with Lotsgoingon. Theses aren't white lies. They are outright lies. A white lie is telling someone that you love the hideous gift they just gave you. It's about protecting the feelings of the other party.
Kelliousme Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Exactly what the 2 above me had said!!! These are NOT white lies. It's would be a deal breaker for me. I mean if he lies about little things like these.. imagine the bigger lies. He lies when there's literally NO REASON to lie, that's dangerous. If you do have such strong feelings for him then talk to him about it. If he continues to lie, OP you should end it.
allofme Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Ummm it really depends on why he lied. I’ve lied about things just to get people off my back. I sometimes lied to my colleagues I have plans on Friday just to avoid the “oh no. Why don’t you go out and do sth”. I can’t be arsed to explain why I don’t wanna go out cos to some people, they just don’t get it. Or that I lied about something that I feel it’s none of anyone’s business just to avoid discussion around it and potential embarrassment. Yeah lying is a red flag but .. if I feel that it’s something about my private life or about my body that I don’t wanna disclose and you happened to ask me about it, I have the right to reserve the truth as long as it doesn’t affect other people in any way.
allofme Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Exactly what the 2 above me had said!!! These are NOT white lies. It's would be a deal breaker for me. I mean if he lies about little things like these.. imagine the bigger lies. He lies when there's literally NO REASON to lie, that's dangerous. If you do have such strong feelings for him then talk to him about it. If he continues to lie, OP you should end it. You don’t know his reason for lying. Maybe he’s embarrassed about those things. Maybe he feels that it’s his body, his own medical issues and it’s none of other people’s business. I once had a colleague asking me why I take pills everyday. I lied and said it’s vitamin C but in fact it’s pills to regulate my hormones and for my acne treatment. It’s my damn body. We’re not close enough for me to disclose to him my medical treatment. It’s my own body and he doesn’t need to know the truth cos it in no way affects him.
edgygirl Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I agree with allofme. And even in a relationship, not everything has to be disclosed or asked about. One should still have their independence and privacy in things they don’t feel like discussing.
Osho Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Communication is broken. You can retain privacy and not lie. I agree with the general consensus, those aren’t white lies. Your intuition isn’t off and you’re not wrong or being negative. Some people don’t live in a place of comfort with lying about anything and everything. There’s nothing wrong with that. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 The fact that you were bothered by these lies ... indicates there is a problem ... Your gut radar is functioning quite well ... and alerting you of a problem... A true white lie ... you wouldn't be bothered by it when you learned of it. 1
Kelliousme Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 You don’t know his reason for lying. Maybe he’s embarrassed about those things. Maybe he feels that it’s his body, his own medical issues and it’s none of other people’s business. I once had a colleague asking me why I take pills everyday. I lied and said it’s vitamin C but in fact it’s pills to regulate my hormones and for my acne treatment. It’s my damn body. We’re not close enough for me to disclose to him my medical treatment. It’s my own body and he doesn’t need to know the truth cos it in no way affects him. Obviously OP is bothered by the lies. You lied to your "colleague". OP is in a relationship with the liar. Relationship is built on trust. If a friend or acquaintance lied to me about something trivial, I honestly wouldn't care. But if my SO were to lie like that.. it's not good. If it's because he's embarrassed then he has self esteem issues and that's another issue he must work on. Why did he lie about dying his own hair? Another self esteem issue? Or a "it's my business" kind of thing? Either way, I think most people would prefer someone who doesn't lie rather than someone who lies so casually about trivial things.
olivetree Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 No, you're not being negative. Your bf sounds like a compulsive liar. I couldn't date someone who lied about stuff all the time. Even the lies some other posters mentioned they do to avoid discussions. Being genuine and honest is important to me. Do you really want to be with someone where you have to question if everything little thing they tell you is the truth? 1
smackie9 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Just like any compulsive behavior, it's a coping mechanism. It's like his baby blanket or teddy bear. That's why he gets defensive when called out on it...he doesn't want to give it up. It won't stop unless he gets therapy for it. There is nothing you can do yourself, except dump his ass or turn a blind eye to it. 1
Hopeful30 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 In my experience, men 'white' lie because they think it makes things better. Most of them have psycho ex girlfriends who found any reason to be jealous or insecure, so they lie about the dumbest sh*t thinking it will help the relationship. In my mind, a man who operates through this lens isn't for me. Any man who lies out of fear of a certain response clearly doesn't understand what relationships are REALLY about. I'm done being a relationship tutor. This to me is a no-go. It's up to you if you're okay with it. White lies are harmless unless (like my above example) they are a symptom of deeper inability to be in healthy relationships. Only you can make this observation. 1
kendahke Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I've been dating somebody who I have an incredible connection with for almost 3 months now. The red flags for me are the White Lies there so many of them. I try to look past it because I don't want to seem negative but deep down inside it bothers me. This makes no sense to me. Why would you stay with someone who lies in your face? How is not wanting a liar around you negative? Especially when the lies bother you--and they are BS lies--he clearly has no respect for your intelligence. So apparently, he doesn't care how his lies affect you. Without pointing them all out he just randomly lies like that and usually lies are meant to protect my feelings but these lies are not like that and it bothers me. I have really strong feelings for him but again we've only been dating for a few months so I understand the truth always reveals itself slowly. Am I being negative for letting these White Lies irritate me all the time. Are you being negative for not wanting to be manipulated and controlled by a lie? What do you think? Again, why do you need a liar that badly? Maybe we all lie a little bit I've lied before A lie is a lie is a lie. Doesn't matter how much pigment is in it. It is a willful attempt to manipulate others. Only people with someone wrong with them lie about stupid stuff like this guy. However, the bigger issue and question/problem you have is: Why are you trying to find a way to stomach his lies instead of showing him the door and finding a guy who doesn't need to lie about really, really stupid stuff? If he lies to manipulate your reaction, then he's either controlling a.f. or he's a manipulator who thinks nothing of leading you astray if it gets him his way. There isn't enough love in the world to overcome a false dissembler.
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