JVort Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Yes, this happened. I put myself in this situation. I date pretty girls. I thought this one was different because she said she was. Her actions are showing some different things. The first few months were amazing. She was great. She is great. Definitely vain and a little conceited very attractive and gets noticed. Redhead.Very concerned about her appearance. Funny and wicked smart. Compassionate and cool. She adores me and I her. Things are great weve never even watched a movie together. We either talk or do something fun, eat or have lots of sex. She introduces me to her family and the talk gets heavier into future, houses etc. Moving in. I do start to notice shes not coming up to my house as much anymore and Im coming to hers. Im putting more out there, shes putting less and things are out of balance. Im doing more of the heavy lifting. I bring this up to her about private time we rarely have with the kids being around alll the time. This was a Sunday we were just looking at houses. We had plans for no kids that Wednesday at my house. I stay over Tuesday night, and shes very tire. its one of the few nights we dont have sex. Im not connecting any dots. So she tells me on Tuesday she has a hair treatment scheduled on Wednesday right after school as shes a teacher. Shes sorta obsessed about it. whatever shes vain. great. wed morning comes and she sends me a screenshot of the text between her and her stylist that says she missed the appointment that she had a Thursday and Friday and a 6:20 that night. The text says ugh. And Im like well ugh means she missed the appt ad that sucks. So I ask her what ugh means and she said I have to take the 6:20 and Im like wtf. Im kind of taken aback after the talk we just had and Im not going to tell her what to do. So obviously that really starts to bother me and eat away. Meanwhile Im ordering tires for her bc the mechanic was killing her with prices. I send her a text at 7;20 at night that I was really disappointed in her decision and I didnt really know what to say. She agreed and apologized albeit half heartedly. It left me unfullfiled. That set off WW3 essentially. I lost my **** and did overreact that night. It didnt sit well at all. It scared me to death and I felt like she was maybe getting complacent or disinterested. All of that seemed off. Things just got worse and she ignored me for some time here and there. She wouldn't take my calls and I agree I was not a happy camper sending her texts. My question is does it seem from that she is just vain and narcissistic bc she has those tendencies. Is it something about the relationship? Or is it bc wed been together for awhile now. Ultimately, Im not sure this is something we can recover from. Yes its a hair appointment but I just spoke about how important that was to me and to us as she agreed. I love this woman and Im pretty sure she loves me. Is that just pride that was hurt or is there something else telling me to get out or ill never get over this. We are taking a day break or so and speaking about it tomorrow as this opened up a can of worms.
FMW Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) If you've been together "for awhile now", her canceling one date for a hair appointment that she had to reschedule shouldn't be that big of a deal unless it was an anniversary or other special occasion. Yes, I do see that it was a night planned without the kids. But unless those just NEVER happen, I'm not sure that would tip the scales that much. You specifically say she's vain (more than once) - so you shouldn't be surprised that it was important to her. You mentioned at the beginning that you date "pretty girls" and that you thought this one was different. There are plenty of "pretty girls" that aren't vain. My guess is she's more of the flashy, glamorous type and that's what you like. Nothing wrong with that, except you don't seem to have the temperament to handle the qualities that come along with it. It also seems likely to me that you were probably feeling insecure about your relationship (for whatever reason) and this event just was the last straw for you. This seems like an over-reaction to something that at most you should have just found annoying. Edited February 10, 2019 by Finding my way 3
Acacia98 Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 I get the impression that the real problem is that, as time goes by, she's making less and less of an effort and leaving you to do the heavy-lifting (to use your own words). You're focusing excessively on the issue with the hair appointment because, understandably, you're scared of facing the possibility of losing her. When you talk to her, focus on the real problem. And then listen to her response. If she's pulling away because she wants out of the relationship, then it would be better for you to know that sooner rather than later. If, on the other hand, she regrets her actions and shows willingness to do her part (and her actions ultimately match her words), then you can start to fix your relationship together.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) I get the impression that the real problem is that, as time goes by, she's making less and less of an effort and leaving you to do the heavy-lifting (to use your own words). You're focusing excessively on the issue with the hair appointment because, understandably, you're scared of facing the possibility of losing her. Yes, I agree. One canceled overnight should not be enough to set off WW3 and declarations that she is narcissistic. However, it is clear that you worried she's checking out of the relationship in general and her choice to get her hair done rather than stay with you triggered your fear in a significant way. There is a lot of bitterness and resentment coming through in your post. You do need to talk to her. Explain why you reacted the way you did, and invite her to share her feelings with you. Open the floor to a discussion about where things stand in the relationship for her. Will you hear something you don't like? Possibly. But you need to know, either way, if she's still on the same page as you. How long have you been together? EDIT: Just took a look at you posting history about her. This is the same girlfriend who requested space back in November? The same girlfriend who saves screenshots of her chats with exes? The same woman who had a 3-year relationship with someone she'd never met? There is a lot more going on here than just a hair appointment. Edited February 10, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 4
Interstellar Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) When you feel in your gut that a woman is giving you less and less and you’re giving of yourself more then you should’ve backed off. You slowly back off. Start calling her less, and less, and less and cut down the time you spend with her; the reason behind this is you want her to start coming back to you, and when she does come back to you don’t go back to your old ways of giving more and more, just start spoon feeding yourself to her. What kids are we talking about? you have kids? Not clear on what you’re referring to. I would have a talk with her, face to face in real life and apologize for blowing up to her. Really lay it on yourself in front of her. It showed a lack of discipline and self control on your part. And also, your interest in her is way too high, you need to lower it. Never say or do things in the heat of the moment. Edited February 10, 2019 by Interstellar 1
Simple Logic Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Sounds to me like she is physically high maintenance and you are emotionally high maintence. 4
Cersei Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 You say that you date pretty girls. Well hello, hair appointments and self maintenance make girls pretty. Some stylists are hard to get into so her getting the new appt seems legit to me. She even showed you a screenshot of the missed appt. She did that to prove she is telling you the truth. If she needs to be sending screenshots I think there is more than meets the eye here. What else is going on in this relationship that you are not telling us? You sound a little insecure. How long have you 2 been together and how old are you 2? 6
elaine567 Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Hair appointments are VERY important. I guess getting one that fits into her kid's schedule can be difficult too. No-one wants to be walking on eggshells over a hairdressing appointment, the fact she felt she needed to "prove" she was not lying, is perhaps illuminating... 3
Art Anderson Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Sounds to me like she is physically high maintenance and you are emotionally high maintence. Nailed it one. I didn't get beyond the first line of the OP and flags start going up - him, not her. 3
Author JVort Posted February 10, 2019 Author Posted February 10, 2019 A few things I left out. To answer your question. There were other appointments available. Keratin treatments are voluntary not like a haircut. She hadn't ha done in 6 months. she scrrenshots every convo she has with anyone. I dont know why. She knew it was important us and she agreed. We had that talk 3 days prior.She had an opportunity to reschedule at another time. She did not. She said it was selfish and inconsiderate so she agreed with my assessment.
Author JVort Posted February 10, 2019 Author Posted February 10, 2019 A few things I left out. There were other appointments available so chose he one that day voiding time we both agreed was imperative. She didnt have to prove anything. She screenshots all convos for whatever reason. She sends them to everyone. she agreed it was selfish and inconsiderate. Let that week she was unavailable when I needed her help which was the first time Ive ever asked for help. Yes, I didnt deal with this well after the fact. I own that. The week before and that one I had a good at work threaten my job, my daughter was in danger bc her mother was suing drugs and the police were called and she was taken from her so tension was high. It doesnt excuse my response but she was aware of all this and chose to ignore our goal , ad my request.She was unavailable when I was in crisis.
Els Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 You mentioned at the beginning that you date "pretty girls" and that you thought this one was different. There are plenty of "pretty girls" that aren't vain. My guess is she's more of the flashy, glamorous type and that's what you like. Nothing wrong with that, except you don't seem to have the temperament to handle the qualities that come along with it. Yes, exactly. If you like women who always have perfectly-done hair, perfect makeup, nails always done, etc - all of that takes time, which you are now learning. Actually, the bigger issue IMO is that it also takes a lot of money - not a 3-month-dating issue, but if you get more serious it will be. A few things I left out. To answer your question. There were other appointments available. Keratin treatments are voluntary not like a haircut. She hadn't ha done in 6 months. she scrrenshots every convo she has with anyone. I dont know why. She knew it was important us and she agreed. We had that talk 3 days prior.She had an opportunity to reschedule at another time. She did not. She said it was selfish and inconsiderate so she agreed with my assessment. Keratin "treatments" are what creates super straight, sleek hair. They break the bonds that cause hair to be frizzy or curly, and when the treatment runs out, the hair returns to its normal state. That sort of hair takes a lot of time and money to maintain. Frankly I think that getting upset over ONE missed date in 3 months (that she told you about beforehand, so you weren't stood up) is pretty extreme no matter who you are dating. But if you only date women who spend a lot of time on beauty maintenance, combined with your emotional neediness, you're just setting yourself up for a hard time all around IMO. 1
Author JVort Posted February 10, 2019 Author Posted February 10, 2019 I know what Keratin treatments are. Ive been willing to accept things that are part of her personality. Ive dated pretty women before and many are this way. Yes, it comes with the territory. I dont care about the hair per se. I care about ignoring requests and commitments made when other options were available. I care that he said and I thought she was different. I care that she seems self obsessed like some others. I agree with you I choose these women so cant be surprised when they concentrate on their appearance. It doesnt excuse lack of honoring commitments or ignoring serious issues brought up and agree ononly days before. You dont seem to see that there was no accountability from her. Yes, maybe Im not cut out for her situation.
Els Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 I know what Keratin treatments are. Ive been willing to accept things that are part of her personality. Ive dated pretty women before and many are this way. Yes, it comes with the territory. I dont care about the hair per se. I care about ignoring requests and commitments made when other options were available. I care that he said and I thought she was different. I care that she seems self obsessed like some others. I agree with you I choose these women so cant be surprised when they concentrate on their appearance. It doesnt excuse lack of honoring commitments or ignoring serious issues brought up and agree ononly days before. You dont seem to see that there was no accountability from her. Yes, maybe Im not cut out for her situation. "Holding her accountable" doesn't help you in any way though, does it? Look, if I only date men who win bodybuilding competitions, I'd expect that they'd turn down the occasional date before a competition, have difficulty eating out with me because they can only eat a specific diet, etc. It just comes with the territory. There is nothing wrong with wanting "pretty women", but your definition of "pretty" seems to be exclusively "high maintenance", so there are consequences for that sort of choice. You can whinge about "holding her accountable" all you like, but that's not going to solve your problem.
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 I'm just taking a stab in the dark but, could their be a possibility she's distancing herself because she found out she's pregnant? Being tired, not thinking sright, too tired to go to yours, etc.
Tamfana Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) "...WW3 essentially. I lost my **** and did overreact that night" over one cancelled date is worrisome. Many people will end things swiftly when it appears that a potential partner gets nasty over minor things. Edited February 10, 2019 by Tamfana
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Again, OP, reading through your past threads about her and this relationship - there are much bigger issues between you two. This canceled date and your reaction are just the symptom of deeper problems here. 1
Author JVort Posted February 10, 2019 Author Posted February 10, 2019 Hey smack. hell no. Shes 48 ship has sailed. Its being taken care of.
elaine567 Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Hey smack. hell no. Shes 48 ship has sailed. Its being taken care of. Menopause...
Author JVort Posted February 10, 2019 Author Posted February 10, 2019 Theres been 3 that ive posted. Last ones before that not her, but things have come up. Im sure they have about me too. Honeymoon is over and dating in your 40s is one of the toughest times. Lots of baggage and stuff to deal with and sift through. She has her stuff Im seeing more now. Can I accept it maybe maybe not. I can control my reaction to it and im responsible for that.
Author JVort Posted February 10, 2019 Author Posted February 10, 2019 Well there was lots of things I didnt mention previously. A few lies that she admitted to, the one way street thaw as developing that she said later was due to her feeling guilty about her daughter which makes sense but was never communicated. Less communication, intimacy, vulnerability and physicality. Conversations shes brought up about her exes multiple times that week that we agreed would bot be discussed, then the commitment and my communication how important it was. There was lots of ammunition that lead up t that powder keg so its not on its own. Lies and ex talk are powerful fuses to install. I am responsible for my response which was not good.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Theres been 3 that ive posted. Last ones before that not her, but things have come up. Im sure they have about me too. Honeymoon is over and dating in your 40s is one of the toughest times. Lots of baggage and stuff to deal with and sift through. She has her stuff Im seeing more now. Can I accept it maybe maybe not. I can control my reaction to it and im responsible for that. I'm not sure who are you replying to with the above message, but for clarification: is the girlfriend you posted about in November, who wanted "space", not the same girlfriend you have now?
Author JVort Posted February 10, 2019 Author Posted February 10, 2019 No it's not. I met this one very soon after the other which was a few months. it was not perfect timing but I was very interested in he previously so I did jump at the opportunity.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 So how long have you actually been dating your current girlfriend? It can't be more than, what, 2 or 3 months? You say you've been talking about buying houses and the kids are around all the time, which led me to believe you'd been together much longer than you have. If you feel she's already pulling back, it may have something to do with the warp speed at which this relationship seems to have been moving. Just a thought. She might be having doubts. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 OK, so you've only been dating each other since "after November."? ... That's like two months? .... And you're house shopping? ...Talking about moving in ... No wonder things are falling apart ... you guys barely know each other's names ... You're jumping way way ahead ... recklessly so. Example: you have no business ordering tires for her two or three months into a relationship. You can make a recommendation ... that's it! ... Getting involved this deep this soon is a recipe for disaster. And just so you know: most guys think they date pretty women. Maybe you're confusing pretty and vain. 2
Recommended Posts