purplesoccer34 Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 Have you ever been in a situation where you just didn't feel it for someone, but had no idea why? I had been dating a guy for a few months and he was absolutely wonderful. He was physically attractive, affectionate, intelligent, great sense of humor, patient, caring, kind, etc. etc. I could go on and on about his positive qualities. When I first met him, I felt so comfortable and at ease--I thought he was the nicest guy I had ever met. To add to that, we had some pretty interesting conversations and he listened intently to whatever I had to say. At the same time, I always felt that there was something missing. I was never truly excited to see him. He was hardly ever on my mind. And whenever I was with him, I was frequently distracted--my mind would be on lots of other things like work, home, friends, etc. I really knew I wasn't feeling it with this guy when I had suddenly fallen for a coworker. In contrast, I was excited to see my coworker. I was thinking about this coworker all the time--and that's when I broke up with this guy because I knew it wasn't fair to date him when I was crushing on someone else. When I look back, I have no idea why I never truly fell for this guy. He had everything I could have ever asked for, and he treated me wonderfully. I really wish I could have developed strong feelings for him--and I tried to--but I just never did. I think we did develop a friendship though--i do care about him and want him to be happy. How can it be possible that someone appears so wonderful, yet we find ourselves not falling for them? Is it because a real, deep connection is missing?
mortensorchid Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 You might as well ask what the meaning of life is, because I don't know that either. All I can say is the ultimate answer, which is "Because life is complicated." 1
alphamale Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 it's all about chemistry, you either have it or you don't. this guy seems llike average mr. nice guy 2
MeadowFlower Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 It can be annoying to not feel it for a guy.
chillii Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) haaaa, l was expecting mr nice guy stuff coming up in answers but nahh, just not happening op, simple as that. How many "happily" married couples do you know where they aren't both nice people, at least to each other , l wager not too many, l can't think of one actually. l'd get that with 99% of women no matter how damn nice they are, and what a waste butttt, never the less. lf it ain't there it just ain't , that's only natural. l probably couldn't even explain the differences in that 1 % either really if two the same were side by side , it just is. Edited February 10, 2019 by chillii
Lotsgoingon Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 I used to ask ... but not anymore. The question is unanswerable ... and useless ... suppose I know why? ... doesn't mean I can change it. I now ask if there is some chemistry and connection ... Yes ... No ... That's it--don't need to ask why ... I figure it's a range of things, from hormones to deep intuition.
edgygirl Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) I love how philosopher Alain de Botton explains attraction on the video below. There is no way not to like this video (or anything by him!). If you're short on time go to 5m. Alain de Botton on Sex https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osd9AKRCFRM I also like some other theories such as Jung's Myers Briggs. It makes people I will like something very predictable. Edited February 10, 2019 by edgygirl 1
Hopeful30 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 (edited) That's what complicates dating and relationships, but you're in the norm. If all we needed was someone good on paper, then none of us would be struggling to find someone we get excited out. I feel the same way though. Of all the men I've ever been with, only one excited me, but unfortunately he had children (deal breaker for me) and a small penis (double whammy). So that went down the drain quickly. My personal theory is that I'm just not challenged by any of these men. I want a man who challenges me on all levels. Someone who pushes me to push myself for the better, explore myself, ask questions, seek answers, etc. So far all the men I've dated have been uninteresting... I feel like I've surpassed so much of what they are struggling to achieve (personal growth and understanding, financial stability, health on all levels, etc.) Those we can learn and grow from will subconsciously catch our interest. Usually we blame chemistry or are unaware completely why we feel such a pull, but it's because we have something to learn from them. This guy seemed like good bf material but that's it. You might have more to gain from your experiences with the coworker, which might be why your soul is naturally more interested in him. After all, we are here to experience life, not stack everything neatly on the shelves. Edited February 11, 2019 by Hopeful30 1
PRW Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 The whole "Nice Guy" problem is real. There is a massive amount of information on the Internet that backs it up. Just go to YouTube and search for "dating" and "nice guy". You will be grey haired before you could finish watching everything.
Rayce Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I wonder this all the time. I have "felt it" with so few men that I sometimes think something is wrong with me, especially when you read on these boards how easy it seems for people to have sex with everyone they date.
PRW Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 especially when you read on these boards how easy it seems for people to have sex with everyone they date. That often happens with "broken" people when both people are "broken" and needy at the same time. You put two needy people together that feel attracted to each other they will "slamb" together and it will be one of those whirlwind things that burns hot for a very short time, then it burns out and ends in a drama explosion. The other way it happens is when a skilled pickup artist targets a woman who isn't strong enough or not wise enough to see it for what it is. Then she ends up quickly in bed and then quickly forgotten about and left behind. 2
Nilfiry Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 To answer the general question...No because I always know exactly why I feel a certain way about a certain person or thing, so I do not have this problem at all. As for the other question, there is no universal answer to the specific occasion because each person has his or her personal experiences which shapes his or her own ego; therefore, it is inevitable that different people will likely have different answers to the same question. The short of it is that only you can answer that question for yourself for the specific instance in which the question is presented. Fortunately for you, this does not necessarily make dating and relationships more complicated at all. It just means that you need to understand yourself better. Indeed, relationships are only complicated because most people hardly understand themselves, let alone understand others.
PRW Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I love how philosopher Alain de Botton explains attraction on the video below. There is no way not to like this video (or anything by him!). If you're short on time go to 5m. Alain de Botton on Sex https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osd9AKRCFRM Yes, he was interesting. I went through the whole thing.
preraph Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 It's lack of excitement and personalities just not really being right for romance. There was a really good looking guy who I dated for a few weeks. He had to fly into town to do it. He wasn't my type. He was more clean cut than I liked, but he was great on paper, so I kept giving it more time. But the whole problem was even though I liked him, there just wasn't that much to talk about. He wasn't a good conversationalist. I just let it fizzle. You've got to find someone you can really find things to talk about with.
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 There are certain things that trigger attraction with me. The sound of their voice, their shoulders, the way they carry themselves, how they react to me in conversation, how they respect me, etc etc etc (it's a long list). I have had long term relationships with very attractive, not attractive, and average, so it's not about "looks". With the way they were with all those little details combined on my list, I was hot on them. This nice guy/bad guy is crap...I don't like any of those types. Wimpy door mat and or a complete jackass..YUCK! Women want well rounded, got his crap together with compatibility and those little details that makes a guy attractive to us. complicated sure...but whatever. It's a crap shoot.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 For me, if someone has a “bland” personality, that’s the biggest turn off. If his opinions are very vague and generic, if the conversation stays surface level, I am going to get bored quickly. One of the good things about being on this forum and in general reading a lot of psychological theories (from Myer Briggs to attachment theory) is that I know myself so well, that I know 100% why am I attracted to someone. It’s different in each case, and if someone that I’m attracted to displays red flag behaviours - I can get over them in a matter of days. It’s also nothing to do with “nice guys”. One of the biggest red flags is someone acting in a mean spirited or narcissistic way 1
Interstellar Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Because he doesn’t know how to emotionally entice you.
LastStraw Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 I never wonder - it always becomes abundantly clear after few interactions. But I retrospect all the time and I’m very self aware. It wasn’t like that earlier in my life. Generally, people are good at intuiting what is right for them, issues start when they start following ‘prescriptions’ being advice from friends, family, therapists etc. Listening to your own intuition is rarely giving bad results. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 I never wonder - it always becomes abundantly clear after few interactions. But I retrospect all the time and I’m very self aware. It wasn’t like that earlier in my life. Generally, people are good at intuiting what is right for them, issues start when they start following ‘prescriptions’ being advice from friends, family, therapists etc. Listening to your own intuition is rarely giving bad results. I think that natural intuition that kicks in very quickly after an interaction is the biggest strength a person has. It makes me sad that some women are now deciding to ignore it because they believe that’s how they will get into a long term relationship. Also very often that intuition will kick in and your rational mind will make up a story to explain what exactly is wrong. That story very often won’t be totally right. But your intuition that something is “off” is always correct. 1
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