Normm Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 So when I sit down with a date I don't even remotely try to be like other guys, in fact I try to be as different as possible. The look of shock on their faces is tangible I think I see the problem. 2
Author ZA Dater Posted February 28, 2019 Author Posted February 28, 2019 It's very possible that you are coming across as an inauthentic try-hard. I've met people who are weird and different, but it's just who they are. I've also met people who are weird and different, who are acting even more weird and different just to get a reaction out of people. You can tell the difference. But if you are trying so hard to show these women how different you are, then you really shouldn't be so upset when they decide (reasonably) that they don't want to be with someone who is so different. As someone else said, if you want to be different and don't want to follow the cultural norms of a date, then you need to find people who feel the same way (they are out there), not try to force a mainstream blonde yoga woman who just wants dinner and a drink to conform to your views of what a date should really be like. Let me also ask this question. Imagine the female version of yourself. Would you want to go out on a date with that woman? Here is where you are wrong, I come across as confident different conversationally. That is fine for me, I simply turn the date into a interview of sorts because typically that's what a date is. Do I want to spend more time with you? My idea is not to sleep with them on date 1 but to try and get to know them in the view they might actually see me for date 2 but alas that seems a tall order. So I started to stack the tables on date 1 and see what is the absolute most I can get out of that experience hence ok lets bring her home despite the fact I have zero confidence to do anything more. The yoga girl was similar to me and yet....You haven't answered my question though, why should a date take a specific form?
Author ZA Dater Posted February 28, 2019 Author Posted February 28, 2019 Also, what’s up with thinking the girls have to “wow” him (???) Seriously? No they don’t. Meet someone and let them grow on you. That’s what most people do. Especially the people who are not being successful in dating. Really women let me grow on them? Really? Again REALLY! Cant say this has happened to me once, no its take out and throw away so women can do this but men must let women grown on them? Sorry use to subscribe to the "oh give her a chance" mantra, until I realise that no women I like ever gave me a chance, hence I removed that mantra completely. If she cannot impress me in one date she wont impress me in 5. Ok but lest I forget its the mans job to beg and grovel and roll out the red carpet on dates, women just turn up, have a look, throw away and on to the next guy. Heck some guys can get this right too if the possess the requisite manipulative qualities. Clearly I have never met most people.
Author ZA Dater Posted February 28, 2019 Author Posted February 28, 2019 (edited) Also I don’t understand what’s the problem with liking fashion. I couldn’t be more far than mainstream or being a sheep, but appreciate fashion. It’s fun. I like men who dress contemporarily and (slightly) know what they’re doing clothing-wise. I don’t want a man with baggy pants from Seinfeld era It does make anyone seem like a weirdo. I think OP keeps saying everyone is judgmental but it is he who is. One needs to know what women want - no matter if they’re mainstream or not. For starters women want a guy who can dress in a pleasant way and who can have a glass of wine with them. If you cannot conform to reality move to Mars and look for women there. Try to be more realistic. Again I must bend over backward but women offer up no compromise? OK cool understood. So we have established wine is the be all and end all, so I get written off for not drinking, well done for being the first poster to prove my point on this, seeing as its question often. My problem is not fashion my problem is blind following of things without at least questioning them. I have been on dates with women who dressed appallingly but I didn't like that colour my view of them, yet I feel everything about me which isn't like other guys just colours their entire view of me. I judge because I get judged. At least we have determined the wants of women supersede any wants I might have, again my point proven, men simply line up and hope to be chosen. Edited February 28, 2019 by ZA Dater
Normm Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 I judge because I get judged. Don't be a lemming. Make one of your goals to be that you aren't so easily influenced by the actions of others to the point that you start to do things the way they do just because you lack confidence to do things your own way. I mean seriously, if you see a guy rob a bank and run away with a bag full of cash do you think "I'll rob a bank because that guy did it and got a lot of money?". 1
GorillaTheater Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 Ok but lest I forget its the mans job to beg and grovel and roll out the red carpet on dates, Again I must bend over backward but women offer up no compromise? .... At least we have determined the wants of women supersede any wants I might have, again my point proven, men simply line up and hope to be chosen. If that's what you're getting out of the responses you've received, you're not paying attention. At all. Honestly, I don't know why folks here bother with trying to help you. You're pretty clearly not too interested in helping yourself. 7
some_username1 Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 Don't be a lemming. Make one of your goals to be that you aren't so easily influenced by the actions of others to the point that you start to do things the way they do just because you lack confidence to do things your own way. I mean seriously, if you see a guy rob a bank and run away with a bag full of cash do you think "I'll rob a bank because that guy did it and got a lot of money?". What a great post. OP also doesn't see the irony that he accuses others of being a sheep, desperately wants to be different and yet "I judge them because they judge me" A huge barrel of self-awareness would help massively.
some_username1 Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 If that's what you're getting out of the responses you've received, you're not paying attention. At all. Honestly, I don't know why folks here bother with trying to help you. You're pretty clearly not too interested in helping yourself. With respect to OP this is a recurring theme on all his threads, round and round in circles and he gets so caught up in arguing the toss that nothing is ever learnt despite some solid advice being given. There is always an excuse, a reason, some form of rebuttal and nothing ever changes. OP just keeps on singing the "woe is me" blues. "Do as you have always done, get what you have always got". Etc. 2
Interstellar Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 Looks like I pinpointed the issue. Sounds like you need to develop better social skills because according to you you’re very “socially awkward.” If the average person makes one socially awkward mistake once in a while, you make ten. Okay, then. You have work to do. There are books you can read and there are YouTube videos on how to be charming, or how not to be socially awkward. Watch Jim Carrey movies and Vince Vaughn, etc...those guys are hilarious and you’ll learn to be funny. Most importantly is don’t feel bitter and resentful. Women do find you attractive, you just need to develop better social skills and a personality. And just get to work. Get off Loveshack. Nobody here can do the work for you. Problem is I don't have any experience so its impossible to be confident and being creative isn't one of my fortes either. What I tend to do is over think and that leads to me sometimes saying some really stupid things. My whole approach to women is very much, accommodate them and be nice to them but don't be domineering over them in the hope that make them be nice to me. Lastly I just come across as very awkward, I did last night and I think she did not like that.
Normm Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 With respect to OP this is a recurring theme on all his threads, round and round in circles and he gets so caught up in arguing the toss that nothing is ever learnt despite some solid advice being given. There is always an excuse, a reason, some form of rebuttal and nothing ever changes. ZA clearly isn't here to learn anything. He's here to complain to a captive audience and he's done rather well in that regard. We're all good at something. 2
Garcon1986 Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 See through you, we can. Fear is the pathway, to the dark side. -Master Yoda 1
basil67 Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 I simply turn the date into a interview of sorts because typically that's what a date is. A date certainly is about getting to know each other and find compatibility, but approach it like an interview you'll never see most women again. In a good date, conversation involves easy two way conversation and possibly a degree of banter.
edgygirl Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 (edited) Come on ZA. It would be lovely if women offered compromise. I feel I do ie. Everyone has bad and good sides. What compromise do you want them to offer? We feel comfy with what we feel comfy with. We are attracted to what we’re attracted. Some compromise is included in there but if things are not working perhaps try to conform a bit? Maybe have ONE drink to fit in? It’s not that you will necessarily be written off for not drinking, but I’ve been on a couple of dates with men who refuse to drink and it just felt... tense. They didn’t seem relaxed. So it felt weird for me. Not because they didn’t drink, but because of the tension and also I myself feeling self conscious that I was probably sounding silly and a little drunk and they were there sober looking at my silliness. And no, I won’t stop having a drink because a guy won’t. He’s out of the norm here not me. Drinking is part of romancing, whether you like it or not. As per your last paragraph, it’s not that female wants supercerde men’s, but who’s the one having difficulty in dating? If I was having difficulty getting kisses and laid I’d try to conform to what the opposite sex wants and feels comfy with, we can’t change how the world functions and what people want. It almost feels like you want to keep banging your head on the wall. Again I must bend over backward but women offer up no compromise? OK cool understood. So we have established wine is the be all and end all, so I get written off for not drinking, well done for being the first poster to prove my point on this, seeing as its question often. At least we have determined the wants of women supersede any wants I might have, again my point proven, men simply line up and hope to be chosen. Edited March 1, 2019 by edgygirl 2
edgygirl Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 I have no clue why it’s not working for you. I know you’re kinda picky, and you keep repeating you won’t go for women you’re less attracted to. Maybe you should give a chance to someone who doesn’t “wow” you, and see how it goes? Sometimes people grow on us. Maybe you’re going for the top women all the men want, and the competition is just too much? I don’t know. Maybe you do have to compromise and go for women you find so-so, cute, and not awe inducing. But I know you’ll answer this with “no way”. So... not sure what to tell you anymore. Look up the “Settle for Mr. Good Enough” theory and apply it to ladies. Really women let me grow on them? Really? Again REALLY! Cant say this has happened to me once, no its take out and throw away so women can do this but men must let women grown on them? Sorry use to subscribe to the "oh give her a chance" mantra, until I realise that no women I like ever gave me a chance, hence I removed that mantra completely. If she cannot impress me in one date she wont impress me in 5.
elaine567 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 At least we have determined the wants of women supersede any wants I might have, again my point proven, men simply line up and hope to be chosen. OK but not every women has ultimate control of the men she dates. Some very conventionally "hot" women might have more options, but it is not a given. Your average woman is not beating off great men right left and centre. She is getting a mixed batch at best and a good % of no-hopers and "not in a million years" guys too. She is getting what she thought were promising first dates that go nowhere and guys that flake and ghost on her. She waits to be "chosen" too. Dating is not easy for anyone really. Spend some time off your own threads and see what other people have to put up with... 1
littleblackheart Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 ZA clearly isn't here to learn anything. He's here to complain to a captive audience Not so much captive as totally bemused at his remarkable ability to dodge advice, but mostly hopeful that something will click and ZA will soon get his version of happy ever after, tbh. 2
Garcon1986 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 He admitted several hundred posts back that he's not really here for advice, he's here to get companionship because he's lonely from being rejected so much. So he's not really interested in improving anymore because his perspective is that he's tried every possible line of advice except moving to another country which he says is not possible. He won't try moving to the other side of South Africa because he hasn't had any luck dating there several years back - so hence we are stuck. He was a wonderful debater, but quite circular, although he won't admit to that 2
littleblackheart Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 I must have said that already, but he may well be LS's own from Love Actually - not so lucky in his usual environment but a sex bomb abroad. So a holiday abroad might just be the ticket after all (seriously). 1
chillii Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Yeah , these threads are pretty pointless mate. People have bent over backwards to help over and over. 1
Interstellar Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 There’s this saying in sports: “You can never outperform your self image.” If you think you’re a second place finisher then that’s all you’ll ever be. If you take steps towards improving your self-image even one small step a day then you will slowly start seeing gradual change in your performance and mindset. We all have little devils whispering in our ears but you’ve got to shut those voices down and turn it into silence. 1
Garcon1986 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Interstellar the sad thing is that ZA Dater is known amongst his peers as the most hard headed person around. According to himself.
Author ZA Dater Posted March 1, 2019 Author Posted March 1, 2019 Come on ZA. It’s not that you will necessarily be written off for not drinking, but I’ve been on a couple of dates with men who refuse to drink and it just felt... tense. They didn’t seem relaxed. So it felt weird for me. Not because they didn’t drink, but because of the tension and also I myself feeling self conscious that I was probably sounding silly and a little drunk and they were there sober looking at my silliness. And no, I won’t stop having a drink because a guy won’t. He’s out of the norm here not me. Drinking is part of romancing, whether you like it or not. . I appreciate your honesty, really I do. I have heard some of the above before so you have pretty much confirmed that. 1
Wallysbears Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Eh. My husband rarely drinks. It’s just not his thing. Never impacted our life. In fact, I have an automatic designated driver when I’m with him and can have that 2nd drink or 3rd glass of wine! I don’t think drinking is your problem
Author ZA Dater Posted March 1, 2019 Author Posted March 1, 2019 As per your last paragraph, it’s not that female wants supercerde men’s, but who’s the one having difficulty in dating? If I was having difficulty getting kisses and laid I’d try to conform to what the opposite sex wants and feels comfy with, we can’t change how the world functions and what people want. It almost feels like you want to keep banging your head on the wall. We can question why though? At no time have I ever felt like a date has considered me. Its about them and only them, if I did not ask questions there would be no conversation at all. So again I ask, what are they looking for? Having tried to conform before I can tell you the results aren't any better and that can probably be attributed to the fact I am not fun so when I sit down and list things I am good at, things that are fairly good in the dating world the list is very short indeed. But I do think I am a good person which seems to count for nothing when it comes to dating. I just wish the good things about me counted more.
edgygirl Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 I never said drinking was ZA’s only or main problem. He has a few, he knows it, but that’s not the point here. I’m sure not drinking was not an impediment to your husband going for a first kiss with you. I’m sure he was able to relax on dates and not overthink. I’m also sure he didn’t have issues with getting to a second date — every single time. That’s not the case with ZA. He could use something to CHILL a little. He had many opportunities to kiss women on dates yet he gets paralyzed. Eh. My husband rarely drinks. It’s just not his thing. Never impacted our life. In fact, I have an automatic designated driver when I’m with him and can have that 2nd drink or 3rd glass of wine! I don’t think drinking is your problem
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