Fragile situation...

[Winger]

Hey everyone,

 

This is my situation, and it's pretty complex. I am 20 years old and I began dating my ex-girlfriend when I was 16. God bless her, she is the most beautiful pixie on the planet and I love her THIS MUCH *stretches wingspan*. We were faithful to each other from beginning to end, we got along most of the time, our sex life was regular and exciting, and we always had fun.

 

I guess I'll need to backtrack a bit...I graduated high school a year before she did and I went to university a few hours away. We saw each other every few weeks and, although it was hard, we made it through. I didn't give any girls a second look, nor did she back home. I was one of the only people in my residence to make it through the year with a long-distance relationship. When she graduated, she enrolled at the college that was in the same town as the university I'm attending and we moved into an apartment together.

 

We had an amazing year together and did a lot of fun stuff. We had a lot of friends and our place was generally where everybody would get together for cards, movies, dinner. However, some of our differences began to stand out. I'm a very neat person and she is not very tidy. I'm a night owl, she goes to bed early. These were not major things at all but they caused some fights. Another thing worth mentioning is that we had dependency issues - we never felt right leaving the other alone to do their own thing. It always had to be together. And I am at fault for that because I always WANTED her around. Even if I was hanging around with my buddies, I'd invite her because she was cool and just great to have around.

 

This put strain on our relationship because I've now realized that there needs to be space within a relationship for it to work. You have to have your own friends and spend time apart. So I got to be controlling as time went on, and I'd get offended if she wanted to do something without me. It's not like I'd stand in front of the door if she wanted to go out or boss her around, but I am definitely guilty of laying guilt trips or pouting when she wanted to go out. Not only that, but I have a very short fuse, and when as argument started, I started breaking things when I was frustrated. I broke a TV remote, some candle holders, some plates, alarm clock, acoustic guitar etc.

 

Obviously, this was unhealthy. I'd regret it and apologize for scaring her. When I realized how out of control I was getting, I made appointments to speak to a counsellor about anger management, which I am undergoing as we speak. I am also learning to deal with dependency issues, insecurites as well.

 

Now comes the curve ball...a little over a month ago, my sweetheart told me she was not feeling happy in the relationship, and that despite my efforts to sort out my problems, she felt that it was necessary to break up and put space between us. She used to be 100% sure that I was the one, and now she is not. I begged her not to, but she said she needed it so I granted her wish and moved into a house with some friends from school.

 

She tells me she still loves me and that there is a possibility of getting back together in the future, but for now we need to treat this as a permanent break. I still love her very much and can't picture a new life without her. I know that I've got a lot going for me and that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I was always satasfied with the one I caught when I was 16. This past month has been very difficult...sometimes it feels like we're on the verge of getting back together...we've been intimate, spent some time together. However, being as messed up as I am, our talks would often end in tears and me asking the same questions over and over again which only frustrated her because she doesn't have the answers. She is unsure of what she wants and she has a lot of personal things that she wants to sort out. One of which being her "faith". She wants to get back on track with God, which is something she lost touch with before we got together. She was raised in a Christian home and she said that she feels that getting back on track with her morals might make her feel happy again. This means that she wants to remain celibate until marriage and devote a considerable amount of time to church-going etc. I totally support this, and am willing to go without sex, but I can't go to church with her and worship the same things because I am a Catholic and she's a Baptist. It never really bothered me that we had different faiths, afterall, they are both denominations of Chistianity...but she recently said that our different beliefs might cause friction in the future and that it might be better for her to have someone that she can be on the same page with religiously. I understand, but at the same time, I would never stop her from practicing what she practices, as long as she didn't will it on me or expect me to partake.

 

So, as of last night, we've decided to through with ending communication - as hard as it is. I have talked to this girl everyday for four years and I am worried about not having her presence in my life anymore. I am also confused because things are so "up in the air" right now. She says there is hope for us, and that if we both work on our individual things, it could be a better relationship than ever, but she also says not to dwell on it. She basically made it clear that if we're meant to be, it will happen. I am really confused right now and just missing her a lot. I am going to be hoping that she cracks and calls me, but I'm probably just setting myself up for another heartbreak. How do you move on from somebody that loves you? It seems like she has been more able to move on and focus on herself, while I can't stop hoping that we get back together. I know that I need to be strong and give her space because if I don't, things will never work out. From what you've read, do any of you think that she is being genuine and that things could possibly work out? Or should I stop torturing myself? Thanks for reading all of this.

[upsetnhurt]

Winger,

 

Who knows what might happen in the future. It is obvious however that she does not love you enough to want to stay together and work things out. You saw how frustrated she became by staying in her life and consistently asking the same questions......know that you need to respect her wishes and leave her be. Let her see what life is like without the dependable "Winger" around and who knows what can happen. Irregardless, your focus should be on yourself right now and standing up on your own two feet. Easier said than done yet think how much better off you will be with whatever happens if you are standing tall.

[Rocko]

I know it seems like you don't have a lot of control in a situation like this, but you do. I am you 4 weeks from now and let me tell you, you have a HUGE part in this, even if she says her mind is made up. Give her time, give her space, and just take care of yourself. Trust me when I say the HARDEST part of all this is forgiving her and moving on. "If you love someone set them free, if they come back its mean to be." Both of you are young, and are still exploring. I know it hurts, but for right now, let her be on her own. Don't be her safety net, and don't be her backup. Keep your head high and keep moving forward. But most importantly, DON'T WAIT. You will not grow as an individual and will come to RESENT HER! Learn to forgive, and keep moving on. Thats the best advice anyone can give you. Trust me when I say the only option possibility here is a long-term reconciliation. A short-term one would just be far too unstable.