preraph Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 You cannot continue to love someone he doesn't even appreciate or love you back. That makes no sense. You were only in love with what you hoped he was, but he isn't anything that cares about you. All guys act like they're in love during sex. that's because most of them are more in love with sex than they are with people. So just keep that in mind. It doesn't matter how they act when you're having sex and it doesn't mean anything. You need to ghost this guy and block him. 2
smackie9 Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 His words don't match his actions. He just wanted sex and blew smoke up your butt to get it. Tip: guys will do and say anything you want to hear to get what they want. This guy is no friend of yours or future BF. He's just a college doofus that knows how to play the game. This is just one of those life's lessons. Block/delete and move on. 4
kendahke Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 (edited) At the end of October I confessed to a guy that I'm in love with him and asked him if he feels something Last summer he initiated sex - we've never even kissed before or had other intimate moments. we didn't discuss it after. he ghosted me for a couple of months Does he need to clobber you with the obvious here? He checked out of this a long, long time ago, if he was ever 100% present in it to begin with. You are way too thirsty for this guy and he knows it, which is why he's acting as if he's completely over this. If there is a problem, a reason of any kind, why doesn't he just come and say "Things have changed and because he's not interested in being that concerned about you or your feelings. After all, we've known each other for years, we're not strangers. That line of thinking is a two way street---you've known him for years and know how he can be, yet you insisted upon ignoring the obvious, but yet want to be mad at him because you refuse to see what's in front of you. From all you've written--and from my perspective reading what you've elected to write--there is nothing here that would lead me to believe that you and he had anything except a situationship that he helped himself to when it served his purposes. waiting for a closure is torture and I can't understand why he chooses to give me signals insted of straight up speaking to me as I did when I confessed. I don't know what to think. I really want some closure. Should I speak to him? What should I say?No. You should gather up what dignity you still have and leave him alone. There is nothing you can say that's going to flip him into being your boyfriend--if you could, that would have happened long before now. The closure you get is the closure you make for yourself by yourself. Quit trying to act out some Hollywood denouement with him---he doesn't know where his mark is, he hasn't studied his lines and isn't going to. Right now I'm heartbroken as my feelings have become very deep with time. It pains me a lot and I don't know if I will be able to lose him although, in reality, I' ve never had him. I want to fight for him but is there anything I haven't tried? Is it worth it?Fight for what? Being an infrequent booty call? There is nothing here to fight for--he's made that abundantly clear -- at least to me. Edited February 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
elaine567 Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 All guys act like they're in love during sex. that's because most of them are more in love with sex than they are with people. Sad but often true. 1
olivetree Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 We still talk to each other when we see at lectures but what is bugging me is that I never expressed to him how I feel for what happened. I never told him I was hurt by the way he seemed to ignore me. He maybe is thinking that everything is okay now because it was okay - what he did was completely okay by his standards. It wasn't okay for me and it doesn't feel right to me to now communicate without any change or repercussions. Do you think he really cares how you feel? I'm seriously asking you this. Telling him how you feel and then remaining "friends" is not going to give any repercussions either. I don't see anything to salvage here, so if you feel you were treated badly then best way to communicate that to someone is to distance yourself and let them think about their actions. It also gives you some self-respect too. I just don't know how to get over the feeling that we didn't have closure - that I didn't have closure. Closure is something you give yourself. Maybe write a letter to him about how you feel but don't send it. People often times don't get called out on their s*it, they're used to it and they get away with it. Calling people on their **** doesn't really work either unless they REALLY CARE. This guy doesn't care at all. People usually have to recognize the error of their ways themselves, and that usually involves losing someone they really care about, and they see this pattern in their lives. 3
Redhead14 Posted February 21, 2019 Posted February 21, 2019 Lissi, honey. You should go to a counselor at the college. You don't seem to be grasping what really went on here. You tried to force this guy into being your boyfriend. He was straight up honest with you. He told you didn't love you and didn't want a relationship. But you served yourself up on a platter and chased him around. You did all the work. He's a young guy who has a young girl who is infatuated with him, throwing herself at him and willing to have sex with him even though he told her he didn't want to be her boyfriend. Of course, he's gonna have sex with you. You're a consenting adult and willing to do it. He owes you nothing because you didn't have enough respect for yourself to require more from a man than he was showing/giving you. He told you he would "try for a relationship". I don't know what that even means. But, nothing, not one thing he said or did indicated he had even the slightest desire or intention of trying for anything. This is on you. You knew he wasn't doing enough to show you he was "trying" at anything. The closure needs to come from inside of you. Learn from this experience and do not chase men. It never goes well. 1
Larry56 Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 He might be waiting for you to actually prove yourself to have the right to be his girlfriend. You don't deserve love just because you were born with a vagina. You have show a guy you're worthy of him.
smackie9 Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) He might be waiting for you to actually prove yourself to have the right to be his girlfriend. You don't deserve love just because you were born with a vagina. You have show a guy you're worthy of him. How can you say that when she was the one who initiated hanging out / dates and was always the first to initiate texts? Edited February 22, 2019 by smackie9
Author lissi9 Posted February 22, 2019 Author Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) Thanks for the replies! I do see your point - he doesn't care. I'm not chasing him anymore nor wonder why he didn't want to be my boyfriend - I don't want his reasons, I don't want from him to explain to me anything. But when he decided he didn't want to "try" anything and didn't tell me that and ghosted me while at the sime time seeing me at uni (like, he wasn't even in a position to ghost me properly, because we kept seeing each other) - that was like...f****ng immature. That showed me he didn't care for me at a friend, at a colleague, at a basic human level. And it's not like we just met...four years we were the closest colleagues at uni - we spent much time together and we did have good communication and we did treat each other friendly...and this I'm not imagining. And it's not like I said to him "I like you, let's try dating or something..." - I said I'm in love from quite a while and I wanted to know if he at least likes me because...I mean...we had sex (at that time once) and I'm not a telepath, I wanted to know what it meant to him. He lied then to get what he wanted - he didn't even try, if he wanted to try he would invite me at least ONCE on a proper date outside of his house. I was the one who twice invited him and then I gave up and then the exams started and I waited for them to be over to ask him and to hear the answer I already knew - no, we won't be "trying"anymore. You know, if I was in his shoes and was a man that really really really wanted some sex I would go to someone I didn't know for like....four years....to someone that didn't tell me she loves me....you know... to someone that would be a FWB or a one night stand or whatever...it's not difficult to find sex, nothing wrong with it, nothing so rare, he's talkative, good at communication, has good looks in my opinion, he likes going to bars...probably has a lot of girlfriends who don't have feelings for him but would still won't be against sex... I'm not offended that he doesn't love me, but I am pissed off because he wasn't a man enough to simply speak to me face to face...I am pissed off because that showed that he didn't have enough respect for me even before we were intimate all the while being friendly and close to me through the years. Never ever could I imagine that this guy who views himself as a grown up individual would be sych a hypocrite. Now he's ignoring me again - and that's at a time when I started distancing myself and am just keeping friendly small talk. It's strange but funny, really...I told everything to a close friend of mine who also knows him and she can't believe what a p***y he is. I would much rather have some real conversations with people, but it seems some men either don't care about anything or are afraid, so..no point. It still hurts though, not really sure how to get over the pain. Also, yes, I did, sense that he doesn't want anyting more then sex but this couldn't have been more then a guess, given the fact that he didn't say anything. I could have easily thought to myself that he was just waiting and is not sure (and that's what I did for some time). Hope is a dangerous thing, especially when you care about someone. I don't regret any of my decisions. I think I saw what was going on pretty quickly and that's why I wanted answers, I don't like ignoring, ghosting or whatever, I'm not that type of person. Edited February 22, 2019 by lissi9
Whodatdog Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 You are giving this guy way too much air time. You had deep feelings for him, but he had none for you. You offered yourself up to him, and he took you up on it. Guys will do that; they dont even have to like a girl to have sex with them. He did tell you to your face that he didnt want a relationship with you; theres your closure. Dust yourself off and tell yourself you will never lower yourself to such standards again. You need to think you are worth a great relationship with someone, and you are. Make someone prove themselves to you, dont throw yourself at someone ever again. There is nothing you can do to make someone love you, you just cant. Sex doesnt make a man fall in love with you. You dont have to chase a guy when he loves you. You'll know when they do. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 Now he's ignoring me again - and that's at a time when I started distancing myself and am just keeping friendly small talk I wouldn't even bother trying to engage him in small talk. You need ample time and space away from him so you can move past this. Trying to be friendly to someone who doesn't give you the same in return will only hurt you in the end.
thatgirl10000 Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 You’re young. Just use this experience as a lesson. When I was in college, I also chased after a guy who CLEARLY didn’t love me or give a #### about me. I persisted, believing he could learn to love me. Of course, he never did. I was devastated. But let me tell you, that was the last time I ever chased a guy. I learned my lesson well. I’ve been heartbroken a few times after that, got into casual and serious relationships that didn’t work out, but I NEVER chased a guy again...because I learned my lesson well. You live, you learn. One day, in the near or far future, I promise you you’ll look back at this, laugh, and go, “WTF did I ever see in that guy?!”
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