I confessed and he said he doesn't love me but would try for a relationship

[lissi9]

At the end of October I confessed to a guy that I'm in love with him and asked him if he feels something (we've known each other for years and I started having a crush on him from the beginning and then it turned into feelings. Last summer he initiated sex - we've never even kissed before or had other intimate moments. It was great but we didn't discuss it after. I think he ghosted me for a couple of months). He said it was nice for him to spend time with me but I shouldn't expect anything more - he couldn't speak for the future but then he gave no promises. Iwas heartbroken because my feelings were realy strong and they didn't recede but I respected his decision and didn't do anything (although I saw him on lectures at university)

 

A month later he came to me and said the he thought about what I said and wanted to try for a relationship if I still felt the same. I told him my feelings haven't changed and I''m up for it. He said he doesn't promise anything but it's an option for us. The same day he invites me to his apartment and we have sex - that was okay for me, I don't have something against sex outside of a relationship. We've had sex two more times - it was great, not just because of that but because on both occasions we spent a lot of time together and talked about similar interests very passionatly and it seemed like we bonded a lot - it was beautiful.

 

When we don't see each other at uni we don't meet at all. I asked him out on a walk once and he came. I asked him out a second time - he wasn't in town (he is not from the same town). Most of the time it was me who texted first - I sent him pics about things that interest both of us or just him.

Now is the time for our exams and we see each other only on the days we have exams. We haven't had sex in a month and he hasn't invited at his apartment since the last time. Until recently he used to watch my facebook stories and like most of my posts (I mean, really recently). He hasnt liked my las three posts - that maybe isn't a big deal, but I felt like mentioning it.

 

At uni we talk only about uni, I don't dare say something else because it can't be only me who pursues. There was a time when he seemed somewhat sad and aloof - I thought he had a personal problem and thought of asking him the next time if he is alright. The next time was yesterday and I've never seen him so happy and talkative to all colleagues - including me. At one point however he commented on the attractivness of some girls (they were not present) and that he would like to go in ther lectures just to watch them - he didn't care that i was in front of him (he often says if he finds someone beautiful but yesterday I was especially hurt since I was already feeling sad that something's going on and maybe he doesn't want to "try"anymore). Before we parted ways we walked for a while just the two of us and when we were alone he didn't say anything - he talked all day but then he was silent. We had some small talk and then "bye". Again he didn't say anything about spending time with me.

 

I think he is ghosting me. I don't know why. Maybe all he wanted was sex but now not even that? Our exams aren't over, we're still busy but still I have that awful feeling that it's over. What is botherin me: He never said he wanted us to be just FWB, he wanted to try for a relationship (yet he didn't do any "relationship stuff"). If there is a problem, a reason of any kind, why doesn't he just come and say "Things have changed and our period of trying should end, just wanted to let you know."After all, we've known each other for years, we're not strangers. He's hot and then he's cold...he never completely ignored me, but waiting for a closure is torture and I can't understand why he chooses to give me signals insted of straight up speaking to me as I did when I confessed. I don't know what to think. I really want some closure. Should I speak to him? What should I say?

 

Right now I'm heartbroken as my feelings have become very deep with time. It pains me a lot and I don't know if I will be able to lose him although, in reality, I' ve never had him. I want to fight for him but is there anything I haven't tried? Is it worth it?

Edited February 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[RecentChange]

Honey, he just isn’t into you.

 

If you keep at this, your self esteem will get torn down even more than the obvious hit it has taken.

 

Honestly it sounds like at this point he is using your for sex. He doesn’t respect you enough not to talk about other girls in front of you. Nor does he care about you enough to even make an attempt to give you attention.

 

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He wouldn’t make you chase, or walk in egg shells, he would make you feel wanted and secure.

 

I am tea curious to hear why you “love” him. Usually we love people who make us feel wonderful, people that make us feel loved, accepted, wanted, respected.

 

I do not see anything loving about this situation.

 

I think you should love yourself enough to want more from a partner. To not accept this kind of treatment.

 

Cut him free - healthy relationships do not start like this.

[stillafool]

 

 

I think he is ghosting me. I don't know why. Maybe all he wanted was sex but now not even that? Our exams aren't over, we're still busy but still I have that awful feeling that it's over. What is botherin me: He never said he wanted us to be just FWB, he wanted to try for a relationship (yet he didn't do any "relationship stuff"). If there is a problem, a reason of any kind, why doesn't he just come and say "Things have changed and our period of trying should end, just wanted to let you know."After all, we've known each other for years, we're not strangers. He's hot and then he's cold...he never completely ignored me, but waiting for a closure is torture and I can't understand why he chooses to give me signals insted of straight up speaking to me as I did when I confessed. I don't know what to think. I really want some closure. Should I speak to him? What should I say?

Right now I'm heartbroken as my feelings have become very deep with time. It pains me a lot and I don't know if I will be able to lose him although, in reality, I' ve never had him. I want to fight for him but is there anything I haven't tried? Is it worth it?

 

Yes talk to him and tell him what your wrote above. It does seem that he isn't interested in a relationship but only a fling. Not even FWBs. If he tells you he doesn't want a relationship afterall leave him alone and don't text him anymore. Block him.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is not interested.

 

I would stop waiting for closure, and simply move on. You don't need to wait around for him to call the shots. He is showing you very clearly he doesn't want anything more with you, and it sounds like he told you he wanted to "try a relationship" to get you into bed.

[lissi9]

I am tea curious to hear why you “love” him. Usually we love people who make us feel wonderful, people that make us feel loved, accepted, wanted, respected.

He has qualities that I admire, he makes me(without knowing) want to be better - he changed me. There were moments when he made me feel accepted - with him I can speak on topics I don't with other people. I don't really have a logical reason for loving him - I just know that at a certain point my normal crush changed. What hurts is that I don't feel comfortable showing it knowing he doesn't feel the same. I want to tell him what he means to me, I want to be with him, to help him in whatever way I can, I want to talk to him on the things that interest us both and everything else. I miss the time we had together. It hurts so much knowin that it may never happen again and that we won't be together in any way.

 

ALso, I don't know how to simply move on. I would be seeing him for 5 mohts more on lectures and a lot of the times it would be just us as the other colleagues are too busy to attend. And he will behave and do whatever he wants, he will say whatever he wants and I will constantly be reminded about the things that were the reason I have fallen for him. And maybe often he will be friendly and I would hope for and be happy but at the same know that it doesn't mean anything.

I really need to hear from him what is going on, I need to speak to him because everything is strange. But thinking that he used me, that he can't even respect me enough to come and say if everything ended...I mean, isn't it the logical thing to do if you don't feel the same about someone anymore? Like, even if you didn't have feelings for someone, it's basic human respect because we had some kind of relations and we are not strangers. I'm really scared at the same time. Today I can't even breathe, it hurts so much.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm sorry you are hurting. When you are in the situation it is sometimes difficult to see what is painfully obvious to everyone else looking in.

 

The guy you think is so amazing saw the opportunity to have sex with a besotted woman and he took it. He made it clear it was a one and done deal and you accepted it when he proceeded to ignore you for months.

 

There is nothing wrong with having sex outside of a relationship if that is what you want, however, I have to caution you, as a woman, having a one night fling with a guy you are already in love with is asking for trouble, because you are only going to become more attached and invested in him afterwards, which is a huge risk if he only sees it as a sexual encounter, without any emotional investment.

 

Unfortunately, it appears this is exactly what happened here. Worse still, he played you again after a possible dry spell. You were there, he dangled the "relationship" carrot in front of you, gets laid a couple of times then discards you again without any pretense of ever taking you on a real date. These are not the actions of decent guy, but a selfish jerk.

 

I know you have the love goggles on right now, but pay attention to his behavior, look at how his words and actions don't add up. He isn't interested in a relationship or spending time getting to know you outside the bedroom. You are so invisible to him now that he will talk about other women he wants to pursue in front of you. Aren't you worth more than that?

 

This is the guy you are in love with. The kind of guy who treats a loving and caring woman with a shocking lack of respect and dishonesty. He is a liar and a user. He isn't even bothering to hide it, which says a lot about his character.

 

Perhaps it is time to revise this romantic image you have of him to acknowledge the other not so nice aspects of his personality and character. It will probably be quite painful to accept, but it has to be better than this state of purgatory that you are in now, because clearly he isn't going to do the right thing as long as he thinks he can get no strings attached sex without being held accountable for hurting you, so why would he suddenly grow a conscience and some compassion?

 

If you can, start to visualize what it would be like to be able to talk to a guy about all the topics you could with him, who also inspires you, but also treats you with respect and values you as a woman the way you deserve. A man who wants the same thing as you.

 

There are so many amazing guys out there who could make you happy, so please don't settle for this. It all starts by focusing on setting high standards and strong boundaries for yourself.

 

I know it is hard to let go of something you have invested so much time and energy in, but you will get through this and be better off for it.

 

Take care.

[d0nnivain]

Sorry but there is nothing you can do.

 

You were brave. You risked & this time it did not work out.

 

To him you are a friend with benefits. You are not the person who gets his motor running & he will never feel for you what you feel for him. To spare yourself more pain, you need to distance yourself from him so that you can heal & find a better fit for you.

[Gretchen12]

You complain that he doesn't just tell you it has ended. But you don't ask, that's because you already know the answer and you don't want to hear it.

 

If you really want closure (I think you should, so you can move on), go talk to him about your feelings and what you want from him. I expect he will be frank with you and shut you down. Then you move on.

[lissi9]

Thank you all for commenting and for the understanding!

I'm afraid now because it will be for the second time he rejects me. It hasn't happened officialy yet but I feel it in my heart it will. And I know that I should move on and yet there are these voices in my head...what if he says nothing has changed and we can continue trying? Should I set boundaries then and say if you really want then it should be different, we should do this and this and if you can't agree then we stop? But what if I don't say it and things continute to be the same...I will be miserable and as much as I love him, the torture of waiting and wondering and hurting is real and unbearable at this moment.

 

And worse still - what if he proposes being FWBs? What do I say? If I say no, what if I always ask myself "What if?" What if I had agreed and everything was alright and I didn't hurt? What if eventually he fell for me? What if I learned to not be sad because of his distance? But can I? I don't think so but still I'm afraid of the what if's as I already miss him and the intimacy we shared.

 

I'm afraid of my words in this situation as much as I'm afraid of his. I always give chances because I always say "You never know, the future is not predictable, don't lose something good and pleasurable and create drama". But...I'm hurting even when he doesn't like a post I share, even this small thing. I don't want to forget my pain now just so I can relive it later and yet I don't want to miss my chance, to lose everything because I'm "attention seeking". My head is a very ugly place at this moment.

If he rejects me right away I will have to move on but if I choose to wait and not speak to him or I don't say everything...will it be better or worse...I don't know.

[stillafool]

Very few men who chose women as FWBs make them their gf. They usually reserve that position for another girl. So you would still end up hurt at some point when he chooses another girl as his girlfriend. Are you saying you just want to be his bed warmer until she comes along? You are correct that none of us know what will happen in the future but when it is clear that someone is treating you with little to no respect at present that's a good indicator of future behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

If he rejects me right away I will have to move on but if I choose to wait and not speak to him or I don't say everything...will it be better or worse...I don't know.

 

OP, he already is rejecting you. He might not have come out and told you directly that he isn't interested, but his actions (or lack thereof) are making that crystal clear.

 

He isn't trying to have a relationship with you. He doesn't take you on dates. He isn't initiating anything. There is no reason to try to set a boundary with him; a guy who is into you doesn't need to be reminded to pay attention to you and show affection. He does it because he wants to, on his own volition.

 

What is it you think hearing him actually tell you, again, that he's not interested in dating you will do? I would reflect on why you feel you need the words in order to give yourself permission to move on. Actions are often plenty enough reason to give up on a dead end.

 

And no, agreeing to be FWB with a guy like this is a recipe for disaster. You would only be giving yourself false hope while he enjoys the sex and continues his search for a girl he does want to date. It would crush your heart.

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry you're hurting but this guy won't take it to the next level and you are going to end up in a bad place someday. He will do nothing but disappoint you. Move on ASAP.

[Mrs._December]

This isn't rocket science.

 

The only time you see him is when he comes sniffing around for sex. And he came for a walk with you. That's hardly a romance.

 

And so what if the sex is 'fantastic.' Big deal. Once it's over, so is HE.

 

Stop allowing yourself to be used.

[d0nnivain]

No being FWB. You care too much. That only works when there are no emotions involved.

 

 

I'm not a huge fan of ghosting but here I think you can drop off. You need some space to regroup. He knows how you feel & if he is a kind person he will leave you alone to lick your wounds.

 

 

Maybe next semester you can revisit being friendly. But in the short run (next 5 years) he will not somebody you can spend a lot of time alone with.

[preraph]

He had sex with you a few times to see if he might get more interested in you, but he didn't, and now he is making that clear. He never really did try to "have a relationship" but just had sex, but it was clear to him from the time you did spend together that he just didn't feel like you are the right person for him.

 

So you need to stop thinking about him and just move on and like someone else.

[lissi9]

The first time he rejected me all I really wanted was that he would respect what I said - he would respect my feelings and would be kind. He was kind but sometimes he forgot my prescence and talked about things that hurt me. Now I want the same - I'd like to imagine he appreciates what I said and what I feel but if that's not the case...well..I hope that for the rest of the semester seeing him isn't a living hell. From what I learned, you don't stop liking and loving someone because they tell you they don't. I remember wanting to see him, even though I knew there would be nothing between us. Maybe because of hope that I didn't realise I had, I don't know.

 

Next time I see him (after tommorow) I will know what to do - should I simply distance myself or firstly talk to him and then distance myself. I had this big fear the first time he told me not to expect anything, that this means I will lose him not just as a potential boyfriend but as a friend also. Now, I'm not sure that we're friends but he was an important part of my life for many reasons and if he continues to ignore me or I him...it would suck, it would be a bigger loss. Whatever happens, I guess...

[d0nnivain]

Talk first or just ghost -- it doesn't really matter. Do what you can handle.

[preraph]

It's clear he has now rejected you. He's not wanting a formal confrontation about it. It's too awkward. He's letting you know. You shouldn't contact him or anything.

[ExpatInItaly]

Whether you talk to him first or simply stop contacting him won't really change the outcome. If you feel you need to say something, say something. Just don't do so in the hopes that it will change his mind about you, as you're likley to wind up hearing things you don't want to hear.

 

Maybe you can be friends, one day, but I would take a long time away from him so you can let your feeling fizzle out. He really isn't being much of a friend to you anyway, is he?

[stillafool]

I don't think you guys are really friends. You are labeling it friendship while hanging around him trying to get him to want you. Real friends would not be bothered when he mentions other girls around them. I think you need to cut your association with him at this point so you can heal from him and move on.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

This guy is not interested.

 

I would stop waiting for closure, and simply move on. You don't need to wait around for him to call the shots. He is showing you very clearly he doesn't want anything more with you, and it sounds like he told you he wanted to "try a relationship" to get you into bed.

 

He is only using you for sex and threw out that he "might" want a relationship, just to keep you in the picture. He will keep ghosting you and coming back when he needs sex. He is gonna keep telling you what you want to hear to keep you coming back to his bed. When you start a relationship, you don't have to "try" having a relationship, they just become your bf/gf.

[Msday91]

I had a FWB like this.

The sex was magical and I just couldn't believe he didn't feel the same spark I did because it was so so intense for me.

You have to move on, i know its hard but you have to.

[lissi9]

I have a little update on what I posted some time ago...

 

So the day came when I had the courage to ask him what's going on. I said - "We had talked about trying for a relationship. If you had decied that you don't want to try anymore you haven't told me and I think it's right that people should clarify their relations. So I'm asking you does the "trying"still apply - yes or no?" His answer was : "Rather..no." T o this I said : "OK, that's what I wanted to know." I didn't want to hear reasons that would hurt me more, I just wanted an answer.

 

Now it's like nothing happened. We still talk to each other when we see at lectures but what is bugging me is that I never expressed to him how I feel for what happened. I never told him I was hurt by the way he seemed to ignore me. He maybe is thinking that everything is okay now because it was okay - what he did was completely okay by his standards. It wasn't okay for me and it doesn't feel right to me to now communicate without any change or repercussions. I don't know how to express my side of the story to him and yet I don't want to ignore him so he can "get it on his own", like he did to me, because he can think anything about this behaviour but can't guess the truth.

 

I just don't know how to get over the feeling that we didn't have closure - that I didn't have closure. And it's like at this point, when everything seems back to "normal", I can't do anything...I added "it's right that people should clarify their relations"so at least he could know that something was wrong with the way he "communicated"his decision to me (rather, chose not to), but is that enough? People often times don't get called out on their s*it, they're used to it and they get away with it.

Edited February 21, 2019 by lissi9

[ExpatInItaly]

I just don't know how to get over the feeling that we didn't have closure - that I didn't have closure.

 

What type of closure are you seeking?

 

He has told you that he isn't trying to develop a relationship with you. That is pretty definitive. What more do you need?

[elaine567]

You want him to "feel", but as he has made it clear he doesn't "feel" anything for you, then you are left feeling unsatisfied with the outcome.

He is carrying on as if nothing actually happened and you are feeling bereft and your world has collapsed.

But that is how it generally works. The "in love" one is grief stricken, the "couldn't care less" one carries on as normal. It is no skin off his nose, he is moving on unscathed.

 

You got far too emotionally involved with a guy who didn't want the same thing as you did.

He was not beating a path to your door was he? He just accepted the sex you offered basically, and then disappeared only to reappear for more sex and now he is gone...

There is no "closure" for you here. You have just to accept he is gone and there was nothing really there anyway.

Find a man who really cares for you and treats you nicely... don't waste your time with guys like this again.

We all live and learn...

Onwards and upwards.