She became cold and distant what now?

[Samuel_22]

Hello everyone,

 

I made friends with this girl some about 2 months ago and everything was going on well, until she started acting strangely, a couple of times I asked her if there was a problem and she did not mention anything, 2 days ago I invited her to a cafe, she almost told me what she thought, I did not get her point though.

 

Last night we had a conversation and she told me everything, she said that she was excited at first but now she thinks we are going too fast, she says she wants time to know me better, and that I had sort of imposed my love on her by showering her with love and etc.

 

At the moment she wants to continue the relationship, albeit she wants us to take it slow and figure our feelings out, I accepted her offer, sort of pretended that I am not even sad or concerned by this approach, but seriously I don't know how to act, or what to say, I don't even know if I should send her a message, play mind games, and in the mean time be nice to her. I am confused, I need help.

[d0nnivain]

The way you phrased this Q has left me unable to give you advice because I don't understand what you are saying. If you can clarify, perhaps I can help.

 

You say "you made friends with a girl". Are you friends or are you dating? How old are you? IMO, "girls" are people under 20; over 20 & we are women.

 

"2 days ago you invited her to a café" Is this the first time you asked her to do something with you? Was this a date?

 

What exactly did she tell you that you didn't get her point?

 

When she says she wants to get to know you better, does she have a clue that you need to spend time with people in order to get to know them?

 

What exactly will you be "continuing" if she won't go to the café with you? Is this an on-line text only thing?

[Samuel_22]

Hi thank you for your answer

No we have been with each other for two months, we used to go out with one another almost 3 days a weeks, we were both really excited about the relationship,she used to tell me how much she loved me, we used to have a lot of romance with one another until last week that things started to look weird out of nowhere, she is my colleague at work, we talked with each other a lot but I had this feeling that something was wrong.

 

I started speaking up, in a kind of polite and gentle way, she did not tell me anything, but she was acting strangely, whenever we talked she acted well for a short period of time, and then it was the same thing.

 

I went to work and told her that I needed to talk to her, so went to a cafe, at the cafe she just said that everything was exciting for her and that she doesn't like routine things, she also said that everything is happening too fast in our relationship. So I said it is fine and we are going to set boundaries.

 

Last night she told me things that Instantly put in panic mode, although I played cool, she said that when you came to me the first day, and showed your love for me I became excited, and couldn't control things, she said she wants some space so that she can know me better, and see if she can love me the way I love her. I told her if you want out it is fine, and that I am not interested in these games, she said about how good she feels with and that she wants to be with me, so we both decided to have a fresh start with less romance and so on.

 

Today she smsed me in the morning and we talked a little about the things we are going to do today, and that's it nothing since this morning, it 6 p.m where I live no text or message, since 11 in the morning.

 

I don't know what to do, I like her company very much but things are going from bad to worse.

Edited February 8, 2019 by Samuel_22

[d0nnivain]

She has decided that an office romance is not what she wants. Be cordial & professional at work. Assume she is done & don't initiate. She knows where you are if she wants to resume but for now she is saying no. You have to respect that & not let her put you in a position where you job is in jeopardy.

[Samuel_22]

But I gave her the option to see if she wants out and I said it with a nice manner, so why did she say that she wanted to continue and she talked about fresh start, and etc, by the way I am 30 she is 24

What you are saying is that she is done and wants things to run smoothly at the office? but I told her last night that if she is worried about office work then I can move to another branch, she could have accepted that.

 

I am afraid that leaving her alone will give her enough courage to leave me for good, but there is not much I can do, is there?

[abotha5]

Hello everyone,

 

I made friends with this girl some about 2 months ago and everything was going on well, until she started acting strangely, a couple of times I asked her

 

If you want the best advice go watch this :https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFLgD4VrcR8

[PRW]

I listed some material at the bottom that you need to research, but there are some really serious issues here.

 

The problem is that every time you speak to her,... it is about the relationship,...that she keeps saying to doesn't want yet. You are obsessed with it.

 

Secondary thing....every time you ask a woman "what is wrong?" you hammer another nail in the coffin. It assumes, one, that something is even wrong in the first place, and two, it assumes whatever is wrong, is wrong with her. It makes you look needy and smothering every time you ask it. Plus it is just flat out irritating to have someone asking that all the time and expecting to get an explanation.

 

But I gave her the option to see if she wants out and I said it with a nice manner

That is a horribly weak thing to say. But at the same time it also implies that you think she needs your permission. Then, at this point, there is nothing to get "out" of.

 

I am afraid that leaving her alone will give her enough courage to leave me for good, but there is not much I can do, is there?

I suspect it is already over, she just hasn't admitted it to you yet.

 

Go to YouTube, here's a list of Channels to spend some time on:

 

1. Coach Corey Wayne
   
2. FarFromAverage
   
3. Introvert Dating Success (Harry Wilmington) Very similar to Corey Wayne but developed his ideas before he was familiar with Corey Wayne.
   
4. Skill of Attraction (Erik Peterson) Same material as Corey Wayne but with a gentler delivery.
   
5. Susan Winter
   
6. Marni Your Personal WingGirl (Marni Kinris)
   
7. DeAnna Lorraine
   
8. Coach Red Pill, Not a dating coach but very sharp and highly intelligent on "Life".
   

[Samuel_22]

I just spoke up, and nicely, not reacting is a sign of weakness, I invited her to a cafe and told her what I wanted, I told her that I have not signed on for this ****, why shouldn't I tell her that?

Secondly, since when giving the option to someone to leave if they are not interested is a sign of insecurity?

She started texting tonight, I started acting cold and distant this time, she kept asking a lot of questions, I told her a lie, I was at home, I told her that I was out with my friends, she wanted to know if there were any girls with us, and I said yes, but they are friends and that's it...she was showing a lot of signs like jealousy and etc. something I had never seen before even on the first days of the relationship

 

What on earth is going on? So women like men to be cold and distant and constantly play mind games on them? BS

Edited February 8, 2019 by Samuel_22

[Marc878]

You're acting immature. Lieing to her to make he jealous won't get you much long term.

 

At work you act very professional. Cut out any unnecessary contact.

 

If you were contacting too much or doing the needy clingy outside of work stop it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I had sort of imposed my love on her by showering her with love and etc.

 

Can you elaborate on this point? What were you doing or saying that she interpreted as "showering her with love"?

[Samuel_22]

Yeah I know for a couple of weeks I acted in a needy clingy way, well that was my reaction to her becoming distant from me, also I was over protective for her laughing and hitting on other men, I always had this feeling that she was doing this on purpose I am going to neglect them all from this moment on. I am gonna act as if I don't care, it all looks like she wants to test my stability.

[Samuel_22]

Can you elaborate on this point? What were you doing or saying that she interpreted as "showering her with love"?

Yeah she is right about that, the last time I was in a relationship was 3-4 years ago, It's hard for me to become interested in a girl, I was convinced that I wouldn't love anyone any more, until I saw her...

I made terrible mistakes, like telling her I loved her, to talk about how beautiful she was to me and you name it , well there is nothing wrong with them but it was too soon for these things to be said anyhow, it is a turn off since they change this sense of chasing and excitement.

 

I just hope it is not too late, heck I don't want to wait 4 more years to find someone to like

[preraph]

She may sense that you are overly possessive or needy or something, and that is a turnoff and can also be a red flag. Plus you work together, so there's no getting away if things go really bad.

 

I think you were both very excited in the beginning but you know that is an illusion. It's fun being excited, but sometimes it's because you both are assuming the other person is the dream man/woman you hope they are, when no one can live up to that. I think as time went on, she saw more of you for who you are and realized she doesn't really know you and that you are not who she hoped you'd be, the dream guy in her head, you know.

 

I would just say that it's not going to last, that something is no longer clicking for her, but for now, I just recommend asking her to do something one time a week and not texting very much and NEVER checking up on her and not playing games or assuming she is. Just see if she still wants to go out once a week and you see each other at work, so little need for texting all the time.

[Samuel_22]

Maybe I can use this opportunity to save the relationship, maybe it is like a message that well, I still like you, care for you, but this is not going to be like before and in order to have the old me you have to try hard? after all this is what she wants, she wants excitement and chasing. give her a taste of her own medicine? I don't know, I am so confused

[Samuel_22]

She may sense that you are overly possessive or needy or something, and that is a turnoff and can also be a red flag. Plus you work together, so there's no getting away if things go really bad.

 

I think you were both very excited in the beginning but you know that is an illusion. It's fun being excited, but sometimes it's because you both are assuming the other person is the dream man/woman you hope they are, when no one can live up to that. I think as time went on, she saw more of you for who you are and realized she doesn't really know you and that you are not who she hoped you'd be, the dream guy in her head, you know.

 

I would just say that it's not going to last, that something is no longer clicking for her, but for now, I just recommend asking her to do something one time a week and not texting very much and NEVER checking up on her and not playing games or assuming she is. Just see if she still wants to go out once a week and you see each other at work, so little need for texting all the time.

Ok nice tips, I hope you are wrong about its not lasting, but I am not going to resist anything from now on.

[Samuel_22]

I talked to one of my friends some minutes ago and he is a dating coach, he told me that I shouldn't overthink it, he says women have this alarm system that when they think that the relationship is going to get boring they sense it and they say things like this to save the relationship since the relationship is important to them, and they don't want to lose it.

 

The other tip he gave me was, there is this possibility that she wants to look at the relationship in a more serious way, what was just a game for her now is something important but she doesn't want to go to the next level without assessing everything [ at the cafe, she told me that it is getting difficult for her not to think about the future, something she had not experienced before in her other relationships]

 

He told me let her go and come as she pleases, don't do anything else.

 

 

In the end if we are meant to be, we will be... I don't want to think about it anymore, I am not going to fight back. if she stays,good, if she doesn't,good. I have been through much worse before, this one can't kill me either.

Edited February 8, 2019 by Samuel_22

[ExpatInItaly]

I talked to one of my friends some minutes ago and he is a dating coach, he told me that I shouldn't overthink it, he says women have this alarm system that when they think that the relationship is going to get boring they sense it and they say things like this to save the relationship since the relationship is important to them, and they don't want to lose it.

 

No offense intended to your friend, but this is nonsense.

 

If we are into you, we aren't suddenly worried the relationship will become boring, and we sure won't essentially tell you to back off.

[d0nnivain]

Your buddy the dating coach is wrong. Women do have a 6th sense but we don't bolt because we fear a relationship will be boring. We bolt when men get too intense too quickly, like you did.

 

You were only dating this woman for 2 months. Somewhere in there you admit that you acted needy & clingy for "a few weeks." For heaven's sake your whole relationship only lasted 8 weeks. You were too much. You were moving too fast. Your expectations were out of whack.

 

Do not try to "save" this relationship by sending her anything. You send her anything & she will view that negatively like you continuing to beg. It will push her farther away & possibly cause her to get HR involved, thereby jeopardizing your job.

 

Do listen to your coach buddy about leaving her alone.

[Samuel_22]

No offense intended to your friend, but this is nonsense.

 

If we are into you, we aren't suddenly worried the relationship will become boring, and we sure won't essentially tell you to back off.

I don't know but like I said I have thought enough, I am not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, she wants out good, she wants not good, that was almost what I told her last night, I am 30 and single, I have been single for the last 4 years, cause I was content with my being single, it can be a good lesson for me as well, nothing ventured nothing lost..

[Samuel_22]

Your buddy the dating coach is wrong. Women do have a 6th sense but we don't bolt because we fear a relationship will be boring. We bolt when men get too intense too quickly, like you did.

 

You were only dating this woman for 2 months. Somewhere in there you admit that you acted needy & clingy for "a few weeks." For heaven's sake your whole relationship only lasted 8 weeks. You were too much. You were moving too fast. Your expectations were out of whack.

 

Do not try to "save" this relationship by sending her anything. You send her anything & she will view that negatively like you continuing to beg. It will push her farther away & possibly cause her to get HR involved, thereby jeopardizing your job.

 

Do listen to your coach buddy about leaving her alone.

BUT she is texting me now, acting in a clingy needy way.... I shouldn't answer?

[d0nnivain]

If she's texting you, you can answer but be aloof. Don't play games but have a life that isn't her.

[Samuel_22]

If she's texting you, you can answer but be aloof. Don't play games but have a life that isn't her.

Alright, I am gonna listen to you

[Samuel_22]

If she's texting you, you can answer but be aloof. Don't play games but have a life that isn't her.

One more question should I tell her that I want out? Because I accepted her offer for a fresh start last night. I don't something like I have been thinking about it, and I think this is not going to work?

[d0nnivain]

It's entirely up to you. But if she is open to a fresh start & you think that is something you want, go for it. You have to figure out what you want. In this thread alone you have changed your mind at least 2x.

[ExpatInItaly]

One more question should I tell her that I want out? Because I accepted her offer for a fresh start last night. I don't something like I have been thinking about it, and I think this is not going to work?

 

Only if you truly mean it.