Kkristine Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 (edited) I’ve been exclusively dating a guy for a few months. Things have been progressing nicely. He’s mentioned to me that he’s so happy, and it’s something he hasn’t felt in a very long time, etc. I do believe he is being genuine and has feelings for me, as he is brutally honest. Speaking of... He has an ex-wife that he shares a kid with. They were together for 10 years and have been divorced for 6. She blindsided him with papers. I’m the first woman he’s ever brought his kid around. She’s remarried with 2 more kids. Problem is, he has so much hate towards her. From what I understand, and he has even said, he’s still in love with the person she was when they were together, and after the divorce, she changed. He has said (before we started dating) that he would sometimes see the old her when they’d do drop-offs. We were talking about exes during this conversation. He also said that he thinks her new marriage won’t last. This entire conversation was had the second week we started dating. He doesn’t talk about her anymore in that context; however, he still complains about her in present times, and speaks very negatively about her. I do think he still loves her, and by love I mean “in love”. The opposite of love is not hate. It’s odd. Can you really love two people? Well, have feelings for two people I should say. I don’t think he’s dragging me along by any means, I really don’t. But, I don’t want to go through many months ahead of dating him for him to finally get over his ex when that’s not even a guarantee. I don’t want to be used. Feelings have happened though, and it’s hard to just let go. Edited February 8, 2019 by Kkristine
Marc878 Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 (edited) <snip> Problem is, he has so much hate towards her. From what I understand, and he has even said, he’s still in love with the person she was when they were together, and after the divorce, she changed. He has said (before we started dating) that he would sometimes see the old her when they’d do drop-offs. <snip> He has not detached from her. To properly do that he needs to cut off all unnecessary contact. Just because they have a child together doesn't mean he can't. I know 2 with young kids who do this effectively. Here's how: Never answer any phone calls directly. Let it go to voicemail. Respond by text only if it's kid related. Ignore everything else. Same with texts or emails. Pickups/drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement. He's keeping her in his life. He is the only one who can do that. Until he fully lets go that will hamper any relationship. No other woman wants an X in the mix in any way. I hear it said all the time. We have a kid together so we have to talk, stay in contact, etc, etc. Nope, you sure don't. It maybe awkward up front but will normalize. Edited February 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1
smackie9 Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 He is long over due to release these emotions...he's hanging on not out of love, but simple sentimental attachment. This guy needs counseling! Me personally would never date someone that was so in hate with their ex spouse, and or conflicted about their feelings. This is bad baggage. 3
amaysngrace Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 I don’t think he’s ready to date anyone new. It sounds like he’s still living in the past. Maybe give him an ultimatum to step into the present with you or walllow in the past without you. Either way you’ll know where you stand and can stop wondering if you’re just wasting your time. 1
Art_Critic Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 I can't believe he told you all that.. yikes... can you say over sharing....he is looking for you to be his sounding board... OMG... I would be very careful investing any real time in this guy, he is one who is still working out his past life and could make a hard left turn at any time and leave you sitting there bewildered. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 He's only half-way through the process of releasing his wife. Those words of hate towards the ex ... are huge red flags. You can be angry at someone without saying you hate them ... But ... even anger at this stage is a sign that he's still attached to the ex. Let him go ... he is only half-way through the tunnel through a divorce ... doesn't matter that wife has remarried ... Your bf is NOT read to date ... and warning: those words of hate ... can be turned on you at some point. I'm going to go out on a limb and say your bf is clueless about his own mistakes in the marriage ... and I'll say he has come come out of the divorce wiser and more clear about what a good relationship takes. (He just blames his ex.) Get out ... he's not ready ... you'll be miserable ... It's not fair to yourself to date someone still tied to another person. You'll be haunted by doubts about his commitment and interest. 1
kendahke Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 THe sooner you let this go, the sooner you can get on with your life and finding someone who is 100% whole and present. This guy ain't that guy. And hate is angry love. The opposite of love is indifference. Her name would not be in his mouth if he was indifferent towards her. I think he's using any woman who'll let him to soothe his feelings, not that he necessarily wants to really move forward. He may say that to get the sex, but that is not what is falling out in experience at your feet. He's not over her, especially if he's rooting for her latest marriage to fail. 2
BC1980 Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 If you still hate someone, you're still hung up on them. 3
amaysngrace Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 If you still hate someone, you're still hung up on them. Not true. For me anyway. I hate my ex because I can’t ever forgive him for how he treated my (our) kids. I’ve tried to but I just can’t. 1
kendahke Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 If you still hate someone, you're still hung up on them. so true... 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 8, 2019 Posted February 8, 2019 Whenever I hate an ex, I actually hate them because they no longer want to be with me.
Msday91 Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 I went through the same thing. Please leave now before it kills your self esteem and you compare yourself to, essentially, a ghost.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 I can't believe he told you all that.. yikes... can you say over sharing....he is looking for you to be his sounding board... OMG... I agree. I dated someone like this. He never stopped talking about his ex-wife and how she wronged him. He was so negative overall. I got SO sick of hearing about it/her, not because I was jealous, but because the energy was just so negative and angry all the time. He clearly was not over her.
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