So what now

[CarmenJones]

Hello All,

 

I'll try to make this short. I'm in a relationship w/a musician and he's always been somewhat flighty or aloof.

 

Initially when we began texting there was a point when I asked him not to contact me anymore due to him being bad at following up or something of that nature. He apologized and justified if with some excuse as I don't remember.

 

Going forward we met in person and hit it off. While he was here in town we agreed to have an exclusive sexual relationship prompted by me as I didn't know if I was ready to be in a relationship at the time. Also he was sexually involved with someone else and he had on foot out of the door. He broke it off with that person.

 

A few days later he goes out of town for a month we keep in contact. He's always been honest with me so while away he's meeting new women in the town that he's in to hang out. I then let him know that I was interested in seeing where things could go with us. He decided to no longer hang out or seek out other women. He comes back in town and all is well except for him being considerate of others/my time. We have an issue but clear it up as we tend to communicate well with one another. Within 3 months we decide to be in a relationship. However I feel as though it's one sided at times. I take interest in his work and daily life always available for facetime, calls, and text. On his end he answers me when he's not busy sleeping or making music. I express this to him in a non confrontational way. He flat out told me that he won't always guarantee to be available but t times he makes me feel included with the facetimes. My issue is not that I think he cheating, it's just him not being attentive or dependable. I expressed that I needed consistency in a list of reasons why I want to be in my relationship, what I value in him (showing appreciation so it's clear that I'm not bashing him), and things that I'd like for him to improve.

 

I've grown tired of this cycle and it's only been 4 months and a month and a half in the relationship. I'm trying to take it serious as I have met his family which was a big deal to me. Last night and the night before I texted him goodnight and he didn't respond until it was time for him to get up for work. He replies with good mornings and I never question it. I normally call him on my work break and after. Yesterday I didn't call him on my break and he questioned if I was ok. I told him I was working which I somewhat was. I called to make sure he was up for work when I didn't receive his text, he later text me back "Gm' which I hate so I didn't respond or return his call when he called me when i normally take lunch. I called back 2 hours later when my work load got slow. I received phone error messages. I called from my other number(which he knows is my second line) and he answered. I asked did he receive my calls he said yes he was playing a game on his phone.

 

He said he was going to call me back when he was done. I then said so the game is more important then my call. I said if there's another issue and you don't want to do this any more than just say that.He replied that that is my go to thing anytime we have conflict and that he told me that he's already addressed the problem. He said It's whatever you want to do. I told him I'd let him get back to playing his game and we hung up.

 

I later I thought about it. He actually had me blocked from his phone and didn't want to admit it. As I see it the issue is I wasn't available when he called and he didn't like it. This is done to me all the time & I just play the patient girlfriend.

 

Normally I'd call back and try to resolve the issue at this point I'm exhausted of the one sided situation. It's troubling me b/c he is a good person and if I have an issue we discuss it and he shows improvement. However I felt the block was immature. Normally he'll see the error in his way and ask if we can resolve it I haven't given it enough time to see if he'll call or text back tonight or tomorrow. In my head i'm thinking what happened was small but it's the principle.

 

He told me before that relationships have ended but he never really knows why. I think this is why also I think he's used to women or girls with low self esteem letting him have his way as the last girl told him never to call her again (probably do to his aloofness)and later called stating that she had fallen in love with him. I happen to be very attractive and have alot going for myself I tend to do the dumping. It's just something about him he has a good heart but self centered. I'm conflicted I'm definitely not calling or texting him back he made plans to come home for Valentine for a date. I just want to make sure I was doing the right thing as he blocked me and lied about it.

[Versacehottie]

I would say that you are acting like his mom and it's causing a breakdown in your relationship for both of you. Initially it sounds like he didn't really want to be in a relationship (maybe you too per what you said) and him through his actions. I think at least he is still on that same page though by formality he has agreed to be in a relationship with you. What he is doing and what he is saying don't match up. Sounds like he likes his freedom and you making whatever subtle attempts to cage him in aren't going unnoticed.

 

I don't know if you should stay in this arrangement. I certainly don't think you should keep doing what you are doing. Focus on yourself and what you want to do. If he is really interested whatever got him to faux-commit (probably out of fear of losing you, falling in great like with you) might have him really realize what he wants. Right now I think he is just paying you lip service. While it is a generalization (you brought it up so I will say something in regards to it), almost all of the musicians i know really take the freedom part of themselves pretty seriously. I think when someone chooses a lifestyle of a performer, especially a musician, they also dream of the lifestyle that comes with it. As much as he may like you, i think his mind and heart are fighting each other. And as another generalization, when the musicians i know have found themselves in a relationship or chosen to be in one (maybe because they are more emotionally connected than the average guy) they are usually very open with their emotions and not running from the relationship in any way (one might even say they have clingy tendencies--apologies to all musicians, just couldn't think of a better way to describe it).

 

I would stop trying to talk to him about it or monitor him, just pull back and do your own thing. Realize that this will mean making short term sacrifices for perhaps long-term gains, i.e. you're going to have to let go of making sure valentines day happens by chasing him or pushing for it. Change things to where he is chasing you. Good luck

[CarmenJones]

Thank you for your response. Please explain how I'm acting like his mother? Also please explain how I'm being off putting I'm confused. He brought up being in a relationship I never asked. He'd hinted at it via text and told me he would make it happen in person. When he came home for Christmas he asked me. I think we have went through the proper process of dating. He's even asked about the future to ensure our goals are inline. He loves the support and attention that he receives from me. I think maybe he doesn't want relationship work but wants relationship benefits.

[Curiousroxy86]

Be honest about all of who he is. Don't get caught up in how much you like him and how he tries to correct the error of his ways. Fact is you feel the relationship is one sided and you seemed to come back to this fact multiple times. Despite the strides he may have tried to make your still not happy with this guy and quite frankly he is probably getting tired of you ragging on him all the time and your making him unhappy. Have the confidence to let this guy go and find someone who is naturally considerate and communicative on his own.

[CarmenJones]

Thank you. True I choose him over other guys that gave me no problem in communicating with me. However when other guys do it, it's over kill we he doesn't it's an issue. Not ragging on him I'd never

[CarmenJones]

He just texted "I'm sorry for earlier. I could have reacted better I didn't mean to attack you."

 

3 hours later

[Versacehottie]

I could go back through your OP and bold the areas where i think you are giving him a mom vibe or trying to monitor or lock him down more than he wants to be.

 

I think it's important to realize even if you are doing it in a non-confrontatational way or it doesn't seem that way to you, it's his perspective that matters since he shuts you out, blocks you and basically does what he wants and you stick around or try to "communicate" and resolve the problem. Ie he has the upper hand. You are effectively either chasing him or right there when he decides to come around. While you may be more strong-willed, more direct, more intelligent than the girls he has dated before you, the end result is he does what he wants and you (and they!) stick around, same as what happens to doormats. That's why you feel like it's one-sided. It's all basically and effectively on his terms.

 

I'm glad he apologized, but the real test will be if the dynamic changes between you guys. I stick by what i said, to do that you need him to be pursuing you rather than the other way around. There is the literal way of doing that and the effective way of doing that. Even if you are doing the effective one (like wanting communication, being responsible as if you are in a relationship while his behavior effectively is that you guys are in a relationship when it's convenient for him). I usually think that when someone starts to feel like the other person is an obligation or it "ties" them down, the dynamic needs huge reset. IMO, an apology is a minuscule start. I think, like most guys, he's acting in the moment to not lose you just yet because he probably hasn't fully decided. That said, his behavior is of someone kinda checking out. That may be due to his feelings toward you or it just may be because he does not picture himself 'tied down". He said himself he doesn't know why his previous relationships have ended. I'm guessing that's because on a larger, personal belief system it doesn't align with who he sees HIMSELF as (either at this point in his life or maybe indefinitely).

 

Idk, i wish you luck and that things turn out the way you hope but i'm not convinced they will. But hey, i'm no fortune teller

[CarmenJones]

Thanks so much this really helped. It's a bit more clear after he left for X-mas he said that I exceeded his expectations and he was worried. He didn't want us to be in a space that doesn't fell "this way" When we first started talking he didn't know that I would be such a great fit and he was worried b/c he used to things going wrong.

 

As for as chasing I don't as for as being there when he decides to come around Im guilty. True he doesn't want to lose me and probably hasn't decided. It's just crazy b/c he always talking about how great love is. Don't know if well get there. I know exactly how tonight will play out he'll report back about his show tonight... then expect me to be inquisitive (because I love music I fall for it). Truth is I have lots of work to focus on to keep me occupied (last time I got upset he cleaned up my business instagram and got involved with my work, my sweet spot smh lol) Well it's time for things to change. Thanks so much!

[CarmenJones]

Excuse the typos and misspelling

[Versacehottie]

I think you should strive to make things more balanced between you two. Try not talking about all his stuff when you talk. Talk and be about you stuff. He needs to be more a fan of you. Deep down he does know SOMETHING and the right thing to do it because after last "time" he cleaned up your instagram for you. So he is willing to meet you halfway occasionally where your stuff is important. He will get bored of you if all you do is be about him. People fall in love when they go out of their way/their comfort zone for the other person. So in the immediate future however you need to balance things out so they are not one-sided should help. good luck

[Orokotikki]

He just not that into you and not that great a guy.

He doesn't care enough to be more considerate and he thinks he can convince that he's being good enough.

You need to decide if he is or not. (Protip: he ain't)

[CarmenJones]

This morning I received my good morning text and how is your day text. He let me know that he was headed out of town from where he is now for a show. My reply was have fun , be safe. I'll just leave it there. Before my OP I wasn't aware that I was part of the problem in a few ways as well. As I said I have enough on my plate. I genuinely think he cares and he is who he is. I cant change anyone so I've decided to focus on myself and let things fall where they may.

 

Que sera sera Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see.

[smackie9]

When I was dating my husband, he decided to go semi-pro. I was very supportive and somewhat involved like postering, being their roadie, letting them use my van. Let me tell ya if he didn't get out of it, we wouldn't be together today.

[CarmenJones]

Thank you I appreciate the response, it feels comforting from someone that can relate. He has a time line in mind. He's Big on family and says he often contemplates coming home to grow our relationship and be with his family but he'd regret not trying. I just encourage him to do what's on his heart plus I wouldn't want him resenting me.

[lurker74]

You're dating a musician, so...

 

Hello All,

 

I'm in a relationship w/a musician and he's always been somewhat flighty or aloof.

 

Redundant. You could just say musician.

 

Initially when we began texting there was a point when I asked him not to contact me anymore due to him being bad at following up or something of that nature. He apologized and justified if with some excuse as I don't remember.

 

Redundant. You could just say musician.

 

While he was here in town we agreed to have an exclusive sexual relationship prompted by me as I didn't know if I was ready to be in a relationship at the time. Also he was sexually involved with someone else and he had on foot out of the door. He broke it off with that person.

 

I imagine he was ignoring his girlfriend while he was banging you. So he's used to ignoring people with whom he's in a relationship. But that's redundant. I could've just said musician.

 

Within 3 months we decide to be in a relationship. However I feel as though it's one sided at times.

 

On his end he answers me when he's not busy sleeping or making music. I express this to him in a non confrontational way. He flat out told me that he won't always guarantee to be available but t times he makes me feel included with the facetimes. My issue is not that I think he cheating, it's just him not being attentive or dependable.

 

I'm curious...do you want him to communicate more when he's busy, making music, and sleeping? You're right - it does seem one sided, on your part.

 

I expressed that I needed consistency in a list of reasons why I want to be in my relationship, what I value in him (showing appreciation so it's clear that I'm not bashing him), and things that I'd like for him to improve.

 

Last night and the night before I texted him goodnight and he didn't respond until it was time for him to get up for work.

 

I normally call him on my work break and after. Yesterday I didn't call him on my break and he questioned if I was ok. I told him I was working which I somewhat was.

 

he later text me back "Gm' which I hate so I didn't respond or return his call when he called me

 

I called back 2 hours later when my work load got slow.

 

I called from my other number(which he knows is my second line) and he answered. I asked did he receive my calls he said yes he was playing a game on his phone.

 

He said he was going to call me back when he was done. I then said so the game is more important then my call.

 

There's more here but the moral is that I am not surprised by his behavior. I am not a musician that values creativity and freedom and even I feel like just the things you have admitted would be pretty close to unrepairable if I were dating you. There are internal inconsistencies and demands that are one-side on YOUR side. I'm sure he's not perfect (did I mention he's a musician?) but if you are tired of this relationship, please exit it because no amount of pressure from you is going to change it because here is what you are saying:

 

Joe (I assume, not his real name), here's the behavior you exhibit that I want you to change because I don't like it.

 

That never works. People can change MAYBE 20% of themselves and only if they really commit. So find a nice accountant who works close to you and gets off work at 5 everyday so that he can be available for your quality time needs because Joe the Musician ain't it...and that is mostly because of who you are rather than who he is.

 

(PS...most of the things about musicians were jokes...mostly).

[TheFinalWord]

You say you have great communication, but he's also inconsiderate and doesn't act interested in your life? That seems the opposite of good communication. I'm trying to figure out why you want a relationship with this guy. He doesn't meet any of your basic needs.

 

You say "there is something about him"...there's not really anything great about him, other than he doesn't chase you at all. You asked for the sexual relationship, you said you wanted to see where things were going (in a later post you said he asked you for the relationship, but you initiated the original interest in wanting a relationship), you keep threatening to break up and he says go ahead. If you're attractive you're probably used to beta males bending over backwards for a bread crumb of your attention. He can have another girl anytime and so he doesn't have a scarcity mindset. Even though you have a lot in your favor, he has all the power and you are the one with the scarcity mindset and it drives you wild. This is a textbook case study of women wanting the guy they can't control. Even though he fulfills none of your basic needs, you still are basically obsessed with this guy.

 

Oh and there is no way for a second that I believe he was exclusive when he was "hanging out" with women in other towns.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but this sounds like a very unfulfilling relationship.

[CarmenJones]

Lol thanks I get you! He actually does facetime me during sessions (sporadically), there was a typo there. Also the girl was never his girlfriend.

My point was I've never intentionally ignored him he's used to me being there and the two days that I didn't show up like clockwork it was a problem for him and instead of admitting he was upset by it he blocked me. He didn't block both my phones knew he was busted and tried to lie his way out of it.

Ha, I need someone between an accountant and musician because the 9-5er tend to be too clingy for me I'm a Entrepreneur and don't have time.

[CarmenJones]

Thank you as well. True I said sex only, then I said let see where it goes (never gave it a timeline), then he decided that he'd ask the question.

 

Hey people hang out and smoke together, I wasn't there I don't know who he did or didn't sleep with. Like I said he's normally pretty harshly honest (except for the blocking thing)

[mortensorchid]

Sweetheart, I am 44 years old. When I was in my teens and up until probably my mid to late 30s, I had a thing for musicians. I think a lot of it was my downfall in many ways. I loved guys in rock bands because that's what they were - guys in bands. Most musicians, I am sad to say, suffer from a lot of conditions. They think they are something they are not and have big egos. And there are women all over them. Especially if they are touring. They ha e women in every city, you are one of a heard. And if you think you are the only one, you are truly naive. And if you do not accept the fact that you are one of a heard? Then you need to find another ideal to look for. But that was when I was a kid. I am an adult now. And as an adult, I expect a more adult man than a musician anymore. And so should you. Move on from him.

[preraph]

I second Versace. You've put yourself in the Mom role, so of course he'd going to rebel and duck you and defy you.

 

You are putting way too much energy and emphasis on texting or facetiming and expecting a prompt response. If you are SEEING each other, why do you need to constantly be in touch?

 

You shouldn't be waking him up in the morning. If he can't get his own butt up, then he's still immature and who needs it? He'll never get himself up if he always has someone nagging him to do it, plus the nagging makes him NOT want to get up. I know this because I was like that for years.

 

Once you transition to a parent/child relationship, the sexiness is leaving and it's only a matter of time. No one wants to have sex with the person who nags them to get up in the morning and expects them to "check in" like there's a curfew at night.

 

And I will just offer one more insight. My life has been filled with music and musicians, and out of hundreds, I'd be hard-pressed to name one who I was certain wasn't a cheater, because they always have opportunity and temptation. And what I learned is they have a different definition of cheating, like they don't count BJs. So just something to keep under your hat.

 

Stop telling him what to do. Wait and see what he WILL do when it's left up to him so you can see who he really is and if he's worth it at all. Musicians are 90 percent unreliable for everyday stuff because they're artistic. There are exceptions.

[Versacehottie]

Stop telling him what to do. Wait and see what he WILL do when it's left up to him so you can see who he really is and if he's worth it at all.

 

Yes this exactly^^^^

[preraph]

Dating is about finding out who someone is, not molding them to your preferences. During dating, they can be expected to behave better than they will a year from now, so you better find out who he is and just decide if you love that or not. But you have to watch your own insecurity and tendency to be overly demanding.

[CarmenJones]

Thanks. I was waking him up one day b/c I thought he missed work due to him usually texting me in the mornings. I was never anyone's alarm clock. In my opinion, it is important to have constant communication b/c we are basically in a long distance relationship.

 

Since my OP everything is back normal. He texts in the mornings and follows up with me about my day, and calls some nights. Maybe he's doing enough for him IDK I'm used to a bit more. Maybe it's my problem Maybe I overlook the small things that he does b/c it's not to my standard (Like coming home for a date I didn't ask for that, right now he's 800 miles away) He checked in to make sure my open house went well today. I like who he is I don't like the way he is at times. I was really having trouble processing initially but now it is what it is. He'll be home Thursday we'll see. At this point I'm ok with putting my big girl panties on & moving on.

[CarmenJones]

Most musicians, I am sad to say, suffer from a lot of conditions. They think they are something they are not and have big egos.

 

Thank you. I agree w/ this. Big Egos and hidden insecurities. I may be naive he hasn't proved me wrong and I won't go around accusing someone of things that I don't have proof of. Before we were together he was an open book. I don't see a reason to change. So that's not where my issues lie. He was and is free to be with as many groupies as he wants he can end it at anytime He was Never pressured into a relationship I suggested that we explore it. It's me who is having second thoughts. Maybe this isn't the situation for me. I agree w/ Versace just focusing on me is key right now.

[lurker74]

And what I learned is they have a different definition of cheating, like they don't count BJs. So just something to keep under your hat.

 

Wait a second...BJs count as cheating?