Is there still hope

[Xcal237]

My story is a long and complicated one. I visited my girlfriends parents this Christmas but ended up leaving her 2 days before Christmas Eve. The reason why I left her was because I saw too many red flags in the relationship. She always kept forgetting her birth control pills, she was controlling, and she did not communicate her emotion well at all (I did not tell her this). I was gonna ask her father’s permission to marry her but that never came to fruition because I ended up getting a plane ticket back home (did not tell her this either). She begged me to stay but she also mentioned that she did not see us working out in the long run. Which hurt like hell cause I was about to propose to her. I asked her this several times and her answer was always the same. I asked her one more time before I finally bought the ticket and all she could say was that she still did not see us working out.

 

I got back home and I was devastated. I begged her back and she said she was gonna give me a second chance. However when she finally came back she gave me the silent treatment. I tried talking to her and she shut me out. She told me that I was putting words in her mouth when all I was doing was asking her if she still wanted to make the relationship work. She kicked me out of her room and then later texted me saying that she hopes I’m happy with my decision and that we won’t work out if we keep going on like this.

 

I begged her back again. This time she said she wants us to be together but she tells me she needs time. I pleaded and prodded and she told me that that drove her away.

 

I leave for training for a month since I’m in the military and she assures me that she wasn’t gonna date anyone. I later found out that she put her status on Facebook as single and that she’s back on tinder. I approached her and she said that she was only on it for a day and that she deleted it. She told me we were done and I asked her if this was her second chance. She told me that we should go on a break and we can talk about it when I get back.

 

As I was on the field I poured my heart out to her. She said she didn’t have feelings for me anymore. However she still kept responding to my texts. She told me that I should move on and I thought that was the end of it.

 

A few days pass and I ask her for a chance to prove myself that I’ve changed and that I want to show her In person. She said I can take her out when I get back but she also said it won’t change her mind. I said I’ll take that chance. I kept pouring my heart out to her and she finally told me to stop it cause she felt weird whenever I told her I love her. I finally told her that I planned to propose to her and she called me that night. She said that it was okay for us to date again when I got back.

 

The following morning she posted a story on insta saying that if a person leaves that they should stay that way and not pop in and out. I text her saying hay I choose to be with her. She told me that she’s done and there’s no chance of us getting back. I beg her to give me another chance but she was not having it. I then called her on the phone and she was angry telling me that I just told her that because I wanted to fix things but in reality I kept it to myself because I wanted to see how she truly felt about me. I couldn’t keep it in any longer because I felt guilty about not telling her the reasons why I left her in the first place. Now we’re broken up and I texted her a final letter. Surprisingly she replied. In it I said that hopefully one day when our emotions are down and if we’re still single maybe we can date again. I tell her I hope she has a good day and she wished me the same too and that was that.

 

Idk what to think. Any1 here think this is salvageable?

[Mrin]

No. Move on. Salvage an ounce of dignity and stop contacting her. Seriously. You're acting pathetic

[Occitanie]

Begging, pleading and all that nonsense never works in real life. You see it all the time in movies, and somehow it always works, but when you act this way after a break up, it only proves to your ex how weak and desperate you are.

 

When she broke up with you, you should have told her to get in touch if she changes her mind and walked away and never looked back.

 

If you want to give yourself the best chance of getting her back, cut contact with her completely. Do not send her any messages whatsoever.

 

If she doesn’t hear from you, starts to miss you and regrets the break up, she will be in touch again. If she doesn’t, then you know where you stand.

 

In the mean time, move on and meet other women.

 

Rejection breeds obsession.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think this is salvageable, no.

 

I am not sure why you want to salvage it, to be honest. Your own words: "The reason why I left her was because I saw too many red flags in the relationship. She always kept forgetting her birth control pills, she was controlling, and she did not communicate her emotion well at all"

 

What about the above has changed? You decided you were done with her, and only appeared to change your mind when she agreed that she didn't see a future either. Now you're begging for her back and trying to prove that you will change (change what, exactly?)

 

You need to get real with yourself, man. You are all over the place in terms of what you want. The dynamic between you two sounds very unhealthy, what with both of you leaving and the other pleading for you to stay. This sounds more like two egos that are bruised rather than genuine love for each other. For that reason, I don't think this will work out in the end. There's too much back-and-forth and resentment.

[Xcal237]

I don't think this is salvageable, no.

 

I am not sure why you want to salvage it, to be honest. Your own words: "The reason why I left her was because I saw too many red flags in the relationship. She always kept forgetting her birth control pills, she was controlling, and she did not communicate her emotion well at all"

 

What about the above has changed? You decided you were done with her, and only appeared to change your mind when she agreed that she didn't see a future either. Now you're begging for her back and trying to prove that you will change (change what, exactly?)

 

You need to get real with yourself, man. You are all over the place in terms of what you want. The dynamic between you two sounds very unhealthy, what with both of you leaving and the other pleading for you to stay. This sounds more like two egos that are bruised rather than genuine love for each other. For that reason, I don't think this will work out in the end. There's too much back-and-forth and resentment.

 

Because we had plans for the future... I saw a future in us and so did she. If only we communicated better as a couple and she does not shut down every time we have an argument it could work. I love this woman because of what I saw in her. She is smart, independent, sweet and a hard worker. I don’t know if she’ll contact me anytime in the future but I’m leaving the door open if she does.

[Normm]

You sound very controlling.

 

"Marry me or I'm flying home 2 days before Christmas". She didn't meet your demands so you left. After you left you begged her to take you back. Over and over again. She gave you more opportunities than I can even count, and each and every time, according to what you posted here, you screwed up.

 

Then you tell her you have "changed and want to prove it". That's just ridiculous no one suddenly wakes up one day and they are this entirely new person who had some sort of major breakthrough and all their problems and issues are in the past.

Edited February 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Xcal237]

Hey first of all i didnt tell her that until the relationship was over because i cant keep that to myself because thats why i left. She begged me to stay but she told me that she did not see us working out. So why in the hell would i stay if she says that when i was about to propose to her.

Edited February 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[skanzer]

This is the thing about trying to salvage these kinds of relationships...it's all you have. She's the only girl you can contribute your efforts towards. Conceptualize for a moment, a situation, where you are dating a girl, minus all the chaos you and this girl have gone through. It's a hypothetical scenario that you can experience, but you have to let this one go, it's too toxic at this point, and it was from the beginning. Give yourself and this girl a chance, to enter something 'better', with someone else, that isn't full of broken history.

 

My opinion, move on, focus on yourself, and attract a more healthy relationship. This relationship is not healthy for you.

Edited February 7, 2019 by skanzer

[Normm]

Ok you didn't use the threat of leaving as an ultimatum to get her to marry you, I read that wrong. But you can't really blame me, your posts are tough to follow.

 

For example:

 

I felt guilty about not telling her the reasons why I left her in the first place.

 

Clearly you didn't leave her, she dumped you.

[Xcal237]

This is the thing about trying to salvage these kinds of relationships...it's all you have. She's the only girl you can contribute your efforts towards. Conceptualize for a moment, a situation, where you are dating a girl, minus all the chaos you and this girl have gone through. It's a hypothetical scenario that you can experience, but you have to let this one go, it's too toxic at this point, and it was from the beginning. Give yourself and this girl a chance, to enter something 'better', with someone else, that isn't full of broken history.

 

My opinion, move on, focus on yourself, and attract a more healthy relationship. This relationship is not healthy for you.

 

It wasn’t toxic in the beginning. We actually got along real well. It turned toxic when I started seeing red flags popping up. However if she could just communicate better I think we would have worked out. She’s the type that likes to give you the silent treatment and bottle up her emotions. She even said that she shuts down because that’s part of her coping mechanism. I really hope that she regrets breaking up with me and see me for the man that I am in her life. I’m trying to move on but the wounds are still too fresh right now. I’m still having flash backs of us being together. I hope sometime in the future we could reconcile and figure out our differences.

[skanzer]

It wasn’t toxic in the beginning. We actually got along real well. It turned toxic when I started seeing red flags popping up. However if she could just communicate better I think we would have worked out. She’s the type that likes to give you the silent treatment and bottle up her emotions. She even said that she shuts down because that’s part of her coping mechanism. I really hope that she regrets breaking up with me and see me for the man that I am in her life. I’m trying to move on but the wounds are still too fresh right now. I’m still having flash backs of us being together. I hope sometime in the future we could reconcile and figure out our differences.

 

There's a VERY recent thread of me "GF broke up all of a sudden, Ghosted me", explaining my story, it's very similar to yours in the fundamentals. My gf and I, seemingly, has a 'perfect' relation, from my perspective. She broke up with me without given me any reasons, and hasn't contacted me since (she broke up when things were still seemingly perfect, I saw no warning signs).

 

I'm still devastated, and trying to move on (it's getting a bit better). I did nothing explicitly wrong, for her to leave me, it just happened.

 

I learned this...you can't control, or force love. You have to take things at face value. My GF left me, ghosted me, hasn't responded to me messages where I seemingly "pleaded" for us to be together..I tried my best to keep it together.

 

You need to see clearly, that a girl who loves you will stick around. You two have some bad history, so it's a little different than my situation...so even moreso than my situation, where I didn't have so many bad experiences, I'd say move on. YOU CANNOT FORCE SOMEONE TO GIVE YOU ATTENTION, AND THE MORE YOU TRY, THE MORE YOU PUSH THE OTHER PERSON AWAY AND LOSE SELF RESPECT.

 

If she wants you she'll come back, but I highly suggest you accept it's over.

[ExpatInItaly]

Because we had plans for the future... I saw a future in us and so did she. If only we communicated better as a couple and she does not shut down every time we have an argument it could work. I love this woman because of what I saw in her. She is smart, independent, sweet and a hard worker. I don’t know if she’ll contact me anytime in the future but I’m leaving the door open if she does.

 

I admit that I don't really follow, OP.

 

What about her forgetting to take her pill, and being controlling? Those aren't communication issues.

[preraph]

I was off her once you first said she kept "forgetting her birth control pills." Come on! Who needs to be with someone that irresponsible about the most important thing there is?

 

There are a billion women out there. Let this one wreak havoc with some other poor guy's life. Walk away, block her, don't let her keep playing with you. Do better.

[basil67]

However if she could just communicate better I think we would have worked out. She’s the type that likes to give you the silent treatment and bottle up her emotions. She even said that she shuts down because that’s part of her coping mechanism. I really hope that she regrets breaking up with me and see me for the man that I am in her life.

 

You left her because she drove you nuts and you went home right before Xmas. That was beyond rude. Despite these incompatibilities, you were going to propose to her anyway. It makes no sense and she knows it. She won't regret it.

 

And then flipping it around, you ended it because you see her as the woman that she is. Controlling, poor communication etc. It seems that you're in love with the person you want her to be rather than the person she is. Give it time and you won't regret it either.

[Xcal237]

I was off her once you first said she kept "forgetting her birth control pills." Come on! Who needs to be with someone that irresponsible about the most important thing there is?

 

There are a billion women out there. Let this one wreak havoc with some other poor guy's life. Walk away, block her, don't let her keep playing with you. Do better.

 

One of the biggest issues i had with her was communication and trust. She would always say how shes never had a scare before and would sometimes guilt trip me by saying that i should trust her because were in a committed relationship. From that point on every time she forgot the pill i would always make her take a plan b pill.

 

She was also very protective of her phone. We knew each others pass codes and every time i looked at her phone she was always there hovering over me. When i got back from virginia i activated my tinder account and lo and behold i saw her card nearby me which indicates that she was on tinder even before we broke up. However i let that one slide.

 

When she was begging me to stay in virginia with her she told me that it was all her fault and i asked her why and she told me that she needs to see a therapist because she thinks she has some mental issues. I told her that she was fine and that she was just super stressed with school and her student loans.

 

I really love this girl and would hate for her to get hurt in the future since im her first real relationship. All of her other encounters with men were mere one night stands and flings. I thought that we could build a life together since we were gonna be in the same city when i get out the military but then this happened and im utterly devastated. I dont know if she feels the same way that i feel but i do know that she's resentful at me.

 

When i told her that i was gonna propose to her she ended up calling me and we talked for a little bit. I could tell that she felt bad about it, however, the next day she was pissed at me and told me that theres no chance of us getting back together. I have a feeling that her best friend told her that this was my way of fixing the relationship but in reality i told that i could not hold on to that secret because that's why i left her in viriginia, because she told me that she thought we werent gonna work out in the long term.

 

She still keeps an open line of communication with me and still replies to my texts in a prompt and very curt manner. I know she's mad at me for whatever reason but i think that its just her ego that cant take the hit.

 

I really hope that she comes to her senses and contacts me in the future cause i would still like to start a new relationship with her without the baggage of the old one. I know time heals but i just hope that one of these days she'll remember that i gave her my heart and all she did with it was throw it away like trash.

[Normm]

When i got back from virginia i activated my tinder account

 

You were about to propose to this woman. Out of the blue she completely blindsided you by dumping you. So you move your ticket up 2 days, fly home, and immediately reactivate your Tinder account. Do you see anything wrong with this?

 

When she was begging me to stay in virginia with her she told me that it was all her fault and i asked her why and she told me that she needs to see a therapist because she thinks she has some mental issues.

 

Dumpers do this all the time when they break up with the dumpee. What she said to you was no different than "It's not you it's me" and "you deserve better" and "I'm holding you back". It's their way of easing their own guilt or making it less painful by appearing to blame themselves. The problem is that the dumpee will then do as you did, say "no I don't have a problem with the relationship it's great!" and the dumpee is forever mystified as to why the relationship actually ended because they were not given the benefit of the truth.

 

I thought that we could build a life together since we were gonna be in the same city when i get out the military but then this happened and im utterly devastated. I dont know if she feels the same way that i feel

 

Dude she does NOT feel the same way as you about building a life together. What part of her saying "I don't see a future here" don't you get?

 

I really hope that she comes to her senses and contacts me in the future.

 

So egotistical. "I hope she comes to her senses and realizes she made a big mistake by dumping me".

 

Maybe she's more sensible than you think.

[Xcal237]

You left her because she drove you nuts and you went home right before Xmas. That was beyond rude. Despite these incompatibilities, you were going to propose to her anyway. It makes no sense and she knows it. She won't regret it.

 

And then flipping it around, you ended it because you see her as the woman that she is. Controlling, poor communication etc. It seems that you're in love with the person you want her to be rather than the person she is. Give it time and you won't regret it either.

 

One of the reasons why i was gonna propose to her was because she was hinting of getting hitched. A couple months prior our trip to virginia we went to the mall and looked at rings and she told me what type of ring she wanted. Before that happened though i told her that i had a surprise for her and she told me later on that she was expecting to be an engagement ring (this was about 4 months into the relationship, we only lasted 6 months)

[Normm]

This story keeps getting worse.

 

It's generally considered that you need to be with a person at least 8 months before you really start to get a handle on what they're all about. That's when you really start to get to know them.

 

You were going to ask her to marry you- to commit to spending the rest of your natural lives together- to possibly raise a family with- after only 4 MONTHS.

 

 

Well let's look at this optimistically. In another 4 months or so you'll probably be engaged to someone else.

Edited February 7, 2019 by Normm