I really need some advice

[gabbie0586]

Hi....well my situation doesn't really fit into the breaking up category but I don't know where else to put it....But ne wayz...a year ago I met this wonderful guy who I thought I loved and we had a great relationship...then one day my girlfriend introduced me to her cousin Jay....and man I loved him from the beginning...so we talked for a while and got to know each other and then we decided that we wanted to take our relationship further...so I told deavin that i had met someone else and that we needed to break up...so Jay and I continued to date and I introduced him to my mom(which was a bad idea)he told her everything about his past...how he went to jail and he was into drugs and stuff like that...so after that my mom couldn't stand him...at first she liked him now she hates him...

So like 2 months later I found out that I was pregnant and I told Jay not to tell my mom and of course he did and that made her hate him even more....so my mom threatned to kick me out of the house if I didn't break up with him and tell him that it wasn't his baby..she wanted me to be with deavin because he didn't have a "past". but I didn't want to be with him...he is nice and everything but I just don't feel the same way with him as I do with Jay...So I tell jay that I wanna break up with him and that the docter said I was further along than I really was just to make my mom happy and my life easier..I still loved jay but I couldn't get kicked out....so 8 months goes by and I have a lil baby boy...

As soon as I look at my baby boy Jay pops into my head...I'm like dang this baby looks just like him....Deavin's family thought he looked like him because they had never seen Jay before....So some weeks go by and I can't get Jay out of my mind...I had always had feelings for him and I still loved him...so I contact his cousin and ask where he is ..and I find him and we talk...i tell him about the whole situation because I don't think its right to keep a baby away from his real father even though my mom doesn't think he would be a good father....so my mom finds out that I've been in contact with Jay and we start fighting again and she says she's gonna kick me out if I don't stop talkin to him....and I'm in Nursing school and I can't get kicked out right now...but I'm not gonna let jay go again...what should I do?? Jay wants to be there for his baby and at the same time I don't wanna hurt deavin he loves that baby...but its not right to keep him from Jay...I am soo confused... thanx for readin

[d'Arthez]

This is a very complex situation - for readers of this post, it helps to read the post in OP's other thread too, as there is a bit more information available there, which is crucial to appreciate the situation. Hence my 'double' post.

 

You were in a relationship with Deavin, but broke up with him to pursue a relationship with Jay. Within the month you are pregnant (probably Jay's child).

 

Okay, that is far from an ideal situation. Because you simply had not had the time to build a stable relationship, and learn much about each other. If you had known about his past, and his jailtime and all that, you would have told Jay not to talk to your mother about that.

 

But as a mother she has every right to be concerned about her daughter. Especially if Jay was in jail for violent crimes or sexual offences. For her it is logical to protect her child from bad influences, and to top it of, she thinks Deavin is the better bet for acquiring a bright future for you, than Jay is.

 

Your mother blackmails you out of that relationship, and you go back to Deavin. I think the idea that the child is his played an important part for him, so any challenge to the paternity of that child will result in all likelihood in a major falling out. Deavin, may have tried to make the best out of the situation, as he trapped himself in this relationship, by getting you pregnant (at least that is what he believes). He wants to be a responsible father, and take ownership of the effects of his past behavior. But if he finds out that you have deceived him, he won't be thankful - nor will his family.

 

You break up with Jay, because of the emotional pressure from your mom, and get back together with Deavin. After the child is born, you get in contact with Jay again, who breaks up with his fiancee, to be with you, and be a father to what is probably his son.

 

Which adds even more complications to the whole situation. If you do a paternity test, your mother is bound to find out who the father is of her grandchild.

It is hard to predict if your mother will follow up the threat to kick you out, but it is also obvious that her score of Jay won't improve in her books, nor the perception of you and your deceitful ways. She will do the math, and figure out that you have tried to deceive her willingly.

 

And then of course, you will have to consider the impact of your decisions on the life of your son.

 

So basically you have a few options, assuming you don't consider adoption:

1. deceive Deavin, and let him assume the fatherrole of Jay's child. Financially speaking it is probably the best option. But you don't love him, and you will be trapped in a relationship that is not satisfactory to you, because you are not in love with him.

 

2. fess up, and expect a strained relationship with your parents.

 

a. Keep in a relationship with Jay, and keep living at home (if your mother allows for that). Live will be hard because of the more limited financial means, schooling pressure. You may get the support from your mom, not because you were so terrific in the past year in the perception of your mom, but because there is the reality of her grandson. Don't expect her perception of Jay or you to improve.

 

b. Keep in a relationship with Jay, and move out / be kicked out by your mom. In all likelihood this will lead to increased expenses, most notably living expenses. Furthermore you will have to consider the needs of your son, which means day-care / sitters have to be arranged for. Hopefully your school can support you in that. You will be in the relationship that you want to, but don't expect things to be easy, as the both of you will be under a lot of pressure to make things work, and to earn enough money for the expenses.

 

Of course, I have no idea, how responsible both Jay and Deavin are. Only you can judge, and only you can decide what to do. It is not an easy decision by no means - and you will make a few people unhappy, irregardless of what you do. This is not just about you - but most of all about your son.

[lindya]

Gabbie, consider what the hierarchy of human needs is. Before you can assist a child with his spiritual development you have to be capable of meeting his basic physical needs. That involves a great deal of maturity... and the ability to place your child's needs above your own. The tighter your own financial circumstances, the more essential it is that you are capable of doing that.

 

Look deeply within yourself in deciding what is making you want to get in touch with Jay at the moment. Can you really be 100% sure that it is your son's needs that are prompting you to do that? Sure - it's generally good for a child to have contact with his natural father, but is that a rule that always applies stringently, regardless of other factors and circumstances? At the moment you don't even seem 100% certain that Jay is the natural father.

 

I agree with the points d'Arthez has made here. It's impossible to think of a magical solution that's going to leave everyone happy. You have the choice of owning up to your mother and Deavin and saying that you believe Jay is probably the father of your son. Taking that choice involves a risk that you and your son will be isolated from the people who are supporting you at the moment. Perhaps Jay would take both of you on - but perhaps he would later renege on various promises he had made to you, end up in and out of prison (and your lives) and be incapable of providing your son with the stable environment he needs.

 

Your son would be having contact with his natural father, but that could come at a very high cost to him unless Jay suddenly undergoes a miraculous and permanent change in his lifestyle. Do you have enough faith in his ability to do that to stake your son's future on it?

 

I'm sure you're not comfortable with the idea of lying to Deavin and your mother. I'm sure your heart is with Jay - and that makes me feel sad for you... and even more so for Deavin. It's a pity for all concerned that someone like Jay should be more loveable to you than a good man who's treating you properly, but nobody can alter your emotions about that.

 

If you're in Nursing school, then I'd imagine you have free access to counselling facilities. I think it would be a very good idea for you to use that counselling in an effort to figure out what course of action would be sensible, realistic - and most important of all, best for your child.