bathtub-row Posted February 14, 2019 Posted February 14, 2019 Thanks for staying tuned. Seeing her in a few hours for dinner. If you ask me, it's still a game time decision - 30% take it or leave it now or 70% let things flow naturally for the 2 months. Again, I like to expand on me 'growing up as a man'. You can say for the last 2.5 years in the r/s, I was not the man. And I feel it should NOT be this way. So yes, at the core I'm still me. I even told her I won't be something I'm not; I won't talk about the stuff she wants to talk about but is foreign to me. But what I wish to be is the man in terms of decision making, planning for future, standing up for myself. Before, I was, put in 14 hours in office, tuned out at home. Even me saying it sounds bad. Which is why part of me doesn't want to draw the line ... just yet. Makes sense to me. You need to do what you think is right.
koolykat Posted February 15, 2019 Posted February 15, 2019 Wanted to ask. Right now: GOOD: - 1 in 3 nights, we do cuddle / kiss for movies - We have date nights planned BAD: - Now, we rarely talk about our days like we did before - Rides together in the car is very slient BOTTOM LINE: - She cares for me but she doesn't know if she loves me Gauge on where she stands? It doesn't sound like you and your spouse really need a divorce. These are tough issues for sure, but since it sounds like she's willing to work on things for a few months, just focus on giving her what she needs. Working on any communication could be a good start. It doesn't have to be deep, or profound. Just start some conversations. I just did a 5-day marriage challenge that helps with exactly that. You can check it out here if you want: https://chezsullivan.com/relationship-challenge-sign-up/
Author noonynicky Posted February 15, 2019 Author Posted February 15, 2019 Hello, Normal dinner, again ended up talking about us and came to the conclusion, which I agree, that me and her are in-compatible, out of sync. Worst, she admits she doesn't respect me. I'm dejected, lost and quite frankly, don't know how the f*** I ended up in this situation. We both agreed that it was puppy love that held us together for the 2.5 years. Now she's a mature women and thus needs that man. She's not the girl when she was younger who could rely on just puppy love for the r/s. Okay, so let's just look at one issue: Respect. Straight up. She needs a man to lead her, to guide her in all aspects in life. Problem, I don't have that 5 years of experiences to show her where to go. So what do I do? 1. Read tons of articles on finances, money and plan our finances? 2. Go out and network like crazy with a bunch of accomplished and learn from them? What's going on? I read about respect. It's earned and not given. Salary wise, she earns slightly more but both of us are in the top 4% of earners in the country. So I guess it's not how much you bring in. Anyway, truth be told. Things are not looking good. Be near her too much and we either bring up about us again or don't talk much. Stay away and we grow further apart. My take. Stay away from her. Do 1 and 2. And be my own person?
Author noonynicky Posted February 15, 2019 Author Posted February 15, 2019 Quick question, more for the ladies. Suppose I came home one day and I told her that my annual salary (example) when from US$100k to US$200k? And of course, I did it in a nonchalant way. Would this help, even if it's for a bit, in terms of getting her respect? I'm trying to understand how much a wife's treatment to a man is based on his earnings, his decision making, his knowledge, his network?
bathtub-row Posted February 15, 2019 Posted February 15, 2019 I doubt that money is the driving factor here. I mean, one of the most admirable men in the world to me is Bill Gates but that’s not based solely on his earnings. There are a lot of wealthy men out there but I don’t necessarily admire them. I admire Bill because - from what I can tell - he’s mature, intelligent, grounded, and calm. You’re trying to rescue a sinking ship and, while I understand that, I think you’re looking in the wrong direction. You can make a great deal of money but still lack confidence or leadership abilities. Your wife apparently needs a man that she admires and, for whatever reason, she has lost respect for you, or she has changed her definition of what is admirable in a man. I’m not sure of your ages but this is the problem with people who get together at a young age. They haven’t formed their idea of what they want in a partner and, years down the road, things change. It happens all the time. If the two of you decided that you’re incompatible, what was the outcome of that conversation? Did you decide to go your separate ways, keep trying, or stay married despite the problems? The truth is, while your wife may not admire you, plenty of other women probably would.
Normm Posted February 15, 2019 Posted February 15, 2019 Suppose I came home one day and I told her that my annual salary (example) when from US$100k to US$200k? And of course, I did it in a nonchalant way. Would this help, even if it's for a bit, in terms of getting her respect? Respect is earned, it cannot be purchased. 1
Crazelnut Posted February 15, 2019 Posted February 15, 2019 Straight up. She needs a man to lead her, to guide her in all aspects in life. Problem, I don't have that 5 years of experiences to show her where to go. So what do I do? 1. Read tons of articles on finances, money and plan our finances? 2. Go out and network like crazy with a bunch of accomplished and learn from them? What's going on? What does this even mean?? What exactly does she mean? "Lead her, to guide her in all aspects in life." ????? I could understand it if she said she wanted a partner who is fully engaged, but she needs a MAN TO GUIDE HER IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE? And she's a high earner in a career, huh? Ricky, what EXACTLY is she looking for? I get the sense you still don't even understand what she's asking for.
Author noonynicky Posted February 16, 2019 Author Posted February 16, 2019 Ricky, what EXACTLY is she looking for? I get the sense you still don't even understand what she's asking for. Au contraire, I do. She told me. She was thinking about it these past weeks and the ideal man she's looking for would be 10 years her senior. Me and her are the same age. Give you 3 points: 1. She wants a man with life experience so he's able to guide her, probably in her job and well in life as well. 2. She wants a strong man. A man that won't be pushed around, will stand up for himself. A man with confidence to face all difficulties even if the odds are against him. 3. She wants a resourceful man who is able to leverage on his network to move their life forward. Contrast that with me: 1. Unfortunately, I'm not in the relationship business. (She is). I'm more in the trading business. So no, I can't give her tips on how to win the customer. 2. I was VERY easy going before. In the last month, I've learnt to say 'no' and set my boundaries. I went from a 2/10 to a 7/10. I sense she wants a 10/10, a guy who would fight with customer service for a FREE birthday cake when it's her nephew's birthday. (See another example below) 3. As mentioned, I'm the guy who spends 14h in the office to trade markets. Everything else, I follow a need to do basis. I sense she wants someone who has an insurance agent readily available on his mobile to get them insurance. I use Google. By extension, she would like someone who has contacts which could be her potential clients. Yes, I'm loving, loyal, capable and fit. But see the problem here. Okay, final example. Hope YOU CAN ENLIGHTEN ME ON WHETHER I'M MAN ENOUGH. She made a comment that I always give way to others while I drive. She doesn't like it. Yeah, I know me giving way makes her feel she is with less of a man. Very clear don't you think. Question: Can letting drivers into your lane be considered a move a man would make because he's democratic? It's obvious. Each of my actions, more so in the past than in the recent 1 month, is making her feel she is with less of a man.
Author noonynicky Posted February 16, 2019 Author Posted February 16, 2019 I’m not sure of your ages but this is the problem with people who get together at a young age. They haven’t formed their idea of what they want in a partner and, years down the road, things change. It happens all the time. We got married when we were both a tick above 30. Some backstory. She chose me, I believe, based on three main factors: 1. I had the POTENTIAL to be the man in her life. It's clear now that at that time, I interpret the man part was mainly earning potential. No, it meant - decision making, planning, confidence. 2. I had the smarts, though it was mainly in a scientific domain. I guess smarts ain't so important now. 3. I could love. Guess that's also not important now. Probably the one thing I'm guilty of is 1. In hindsight, I did not fully realize my potential as a man; and we both agreed. It might be a little too late. Throughout our 2.5 married, my wife would lovingly remind me to #stepup. And now thinking about it, all the hours I spent watching basketball videos could have gone into planning our future, meeting new people, getting life experiences. While it seems like a lost cause, I'm accelerating this process in these coming months. Here is where I'm leaning. It's very obvious that when we have dinners, she is still seeing me under that light - someone she can't respect, doesn't plan, doesn't stand up for himself. It's tricky because I'm trying to change this on the fly (again, motivated by both the goodness of us and myself) So, as long as she sees me under this old light, any efforts to mend the relationship will be futile. She won't value my words because she doesn't respect me. The aim thus is to minimize contact and build up myself to be this 'new' man. What you think? Finally, progress has been made on the emotional front because I'm slowly grasping the reality of the situation. If she's ultimately happier with another man or by herself, that no reasons to not politely bow out.
Author noonynicky Posted February 16, 2019 Author Posted February 16, 2019 It's obvious. Each of my actions, more so in the past than in the recent 1 month, is making her feel she is with less of a man. Minor correction. I would fight to my last breath, in that which I believe is worth fighting for - our relationship, her well being, my career trajectory. I go to great lengths staying in office Sunday evening to push out a report on Monday morning knowing that extra piece of detail can tilt the client's answer from a 'no deal' to a deal. Likewise staying back that extra bit in a party if I knew my wife could benefit from my company. So you see, I 100% see the meaning in inching out every cash you can get from my job. And I don't see the meaning in honing people on the road because they ask for right of way.
bathtub-row Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 (edited) She made a comment that I always give way to others while I drive. She doesn't like it. This is truly the most ignoramous thing I’ve heard in a long time. I think I would have to divorce my spouse for making such a lame-brained comment. Your wife has her sights set on an older guy that she’s probably admiring from a distance and can’t have. She has an ideal in her mind and you can’t measure up because she’s asking you to be someone you’re not. Stop blaming yourself! Edited February 17, 2019 by bathtub-row 2
Rubix Cubed Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 (edited) This is truly the most ignoramous thing I’ve heard in a long time. I think I would have to divorce my spouse for making such a lame-brained comment. Your wife has her sights set on an older guy that she’s probably admiring from a distance and can’t have. She has an ideal in her mind and you can’t measure up because she’s asking you to be someone you’re not. Stop blaming yourself! This^ She's got your brain scrambled if you are seriously asking if driving like an ass is "manly". She'd be bitching about you trying to kill her if you drove MORE aggressively. You do sound soft, but she's making ridiculous demands, to the point I'd say it's so she can get out and blame it all on you. I'd also bet, like bathtub-row said, the 10 year older guy is already in play. I think you should show her how "manly" you are by handing her divorce papers then do the180(google it) and detach. Even if you mold yourself into whatever she thinks she's looking for, do you really want to stay with someone who doesn't love you for you? Edited February 17, 2019 by Rubix Cubed 2
bathtub-row Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 My impression of you is like that of an intelligent, mild-mannered professor or scientist type. Now, while your wife is too blind to see it, there are plenty of women who find that type of RARE guy a total heartthrob. Anyone who thinks someone should be a rude driver or inconsiderate to others is just too stupid for words. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 I don't love jumping to the infidelity conclusion, but my money is on this: She is already interested in another guy (perhaps someone senior to her at work, someone with "power") and the type of man she says you aren't is the type of man he is. She is describing him. You are fighting a losing battle here, because she's comparing you with another man she has a crush on. That is my strong impression. 3
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 What is her father like? If she has grown up with strong men in her life she will probably NEED that element to feel secure.
MetallicHue Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 I’m sorry you’re in such a situation. I definitely think it’s time to move on. I’ve spent my life trying to meet people’s expectations in life and it only brought unhappiness. Just be yourself and you’ll find someone who’ll respect you and treat you better.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 She told me. She was thinking about it these past weeks and the ideal man she's looking for would be 10 years her senior. Me and her are the same age. Give you 3 points: 1. She wants a man with life experience so he's able to guide her, probably in her job and well in life as well. 2. She wants a strong man. A man that won't be pushed around, will stand up for himself. A man with confidence to face all difficulties even if the odds are against him. 3. She wants a resourceful man who is able to leverage on his network to move their life forward. noonynicky, the fact that her ideal is your 180 should be enough to make you understand she's checked out. She seems to be describing someone's agent or representative more than their spouse. And what would she bring to the table in this hypothetical relationship? My friend, you've asked her what she wants and her answer has been "not you". Enough said, you should begin to plan accordingly... Mr. Lucky 1
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 My friend, you've asked her what she wants and her answer has been "not you". In a nutshell. We are who we are, we cannot just change who we fundamentally are to order. That will never work.
preraph Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 Differences in expectation on what, exactly?
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