Author noonynicky Posted February 11, 2019 Author Posted February 11, 2019 (edited) Just stop making advances toward her and let things happen naturally. She wants to want you, to desire you. Let her do that by leaving her alone and continue doing the other things you're doing. You're right, you can't control anyone else, but most of the time, women are persuaded the most by men who let them be themselves, who give them their freedom. Read. The. Book. Just a detail. The ONLY advances I did were the light physical contact. (goes without saying there were tons of that before this thing happened) I do NOT demand her time, space in her schedule or that she can't spend time with others. Apologies on being pedantic (again) So she asked for permission to go to a party with a bunch of girls. Before: I said "Sure, go ahead" Now: I said "If the girls partners are there, I expect an invite. If not, then have fun" It was just girls. And she went. Am I giving her freedom? Before, it seemed like I was aloof and didn't care. Now, I felt I was standing up for myself in the sense that I feel that as your husband (now), I should be given the option to accompany if other husbands are there. I'm still learning the balance of giving her freedom, letting things flow naturally and clearly stating your expectations. And yup, I bought the book on Fri and read two chapters over the weekend. Let you know how it goes. Edited February 11, 2019 by noonynicky
bathtub-row Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 You kind of lost me with the 'asking permission' thing. I don't think married people should ask permission from each other. You're both adults. Discuss plans, yes. Make sure the plans don't clash with something else, yes - but not ask permission. Neither you or her should do that. Your response was fine. It was better than being wimpy.
Author noonynicky Posted February 11, 2019 Author Posted February 11, 2019 Did you ever check your phone bill? I'm prepared for the worst. Right now, it really feels that I'm working on my own. But it's fair because of the mistakes I did in the past - bad or not planning for our future, not knowing what a manly figure is. She tried for the last year or so to accept that me, but couldn't. And I understand. So yeah, I got a couple things in motion. Let's see how the next 2 months turn out. Oddly enough, I'm a little excited of what's gonna happen down the line. But as time passes, I better prepared to accept the outcome, whatever it may be, after laying everything on the table.
giotto Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 One of her biggest complaints is that you aren't man enough. Rather than bending over backwards and trying to change who you are just to please her, be the man that she says you aren't, and tell her if she doesn't like the man she married, there's the door. She might even respect you for it. My wife pulled this stunt (not man enough) on me 7 years into the relationship... in hindsight, we never recovered from it... I should have divorced her, but we had 2 small children...
giotto Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Also, she seems like she's checked out of the relationship... you don't have sex after 2.5 years? I smell a rat too...
Author noonynicky Posted February 11, 2019 Author Posted February 11, 2019 Also, she seems like she's checked out of the relationship... you don't have sex after 2.5 years? I smell a rat too... Nil but only in this trial period. Of course there was in the 2.5 years. The main point is that by an objective assessment, I myself admit that I wasn't the man in the r/s. I tell you the same that I told her - I was in a learning process for the last few weeks understanding that it's NORMAL that the man take charge. I wasn't taking charge. Yes, I brought the money. Yes, I worked hard. Yes, I was loyal. But I just wasn't making the decisions, driving the r/s. And I feel that shouldn't be the case for this or the next r/s. So again, it's a matter for becoming more man in the next 2 months (I think I can. I learn things really fast) And if it's a no from her, then it's a no.
giotto Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Nil but only in this trial period. Of course there was in the 2.5 years. The main point is that by an objective assessment, I myself admit that I wasn't the man in the r/s. I tell you the same that I told her - I was in a learning process for the last few weeks understanding that it's NORMAL that the man take charge. I wasn't taking charge. Yes, I brought the money. Yes, I worked hard. Yes, I was loyal. But I just wasn't making the decisions, driving the r/s. And I feel that shouldn't be the case for this or the next r/s. So again, it's a matter for becoming more man in the next 2 months (I think I can. I learn things really fast) And if it's a no from her, then it's a no. I meant, you've been together for only 2.5 years and you are already being starved of sex? What kind of punishment is that? That's seriously wrong. And I can tell you one thing... she accepted you for what you were when you got married... all of a sudden she is not happy with you anymore... so YOU have to change? I call it BS... she's changed and now she wants you to change too. If you are not man enough for her, tell her to go and get herself a real man, then... personally, I wouldn't change who I am. From what you say, there is nothing wrong with you.
Wallysbears Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I think you're missing the point of 'driving the relationship'. You're going into minute details like having her ask for permission to go out with her girlfriends. That's minutia and mundane and unimportant. What about the BIG things? Are you planning on having children? Are you saving for your retirement? Is the house (literally and figuratively) in order? Do you have retirement savings set up? How about emergency funds? Life insurance? What is your timeline for having children if you want to? How many children? Do you live in a good school district? Do you have college savings accounts started for children? These, to me, as the important things. Not whether or not you agree with her going out for a girls night. And if you aren't having conversations about these things as a married couple, she may very well be nervous. You can make all the money in the world, but if you are living paycheck to paycheck or have a massive amount of debt, she may be insecure about your future.
Trail Blazer Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 My wife pulled this stunt (not man enough) on me 7 years into the relationship... in hindsight, we never recovered from it... I should have divorced her, but we had 2 small children... Mine did the same too. "Step up" and all that jazz. Some women are just too demanding, or cannot ever be pleased.
giotto Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Mine did the same too. "Step up" and all that jazz. Some women are just too demanding, or cannot ever be pleased. Mind you... I had just moved to a different country, learnt another language and was setting up my own business... not man enough? Harsh or what? I think you are right...
Crazelnut Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 This is probably the strangest thread I've read on LS. How can we advise you on "being the man?" You kind of are the man, or you aren't. And what on earth does that mean anyway? What exactly is your wife's complaint? Do you even understand what she means? If not, you'd better ask. But then again, if you have to ask, your marriage is probably done for anyway. Or perhaps this really is just an excuse on her part to justify her having an affair, which seems entirely possible. And one final thought -- I don't think making her ask permission for stuff is what she means. That's just being an azzhole and not what marriage is about. 1
Author noonynicky Posted February 12, 2019 Author Posted February 12, 2019 Things are really shaky. I know there's a 2month window but she's really withdrawn. Last week, it was a day to day thing, but if it becomes a streak of bad days, I think a move needs to be made. What are you thoughts of smoothly finding where she stands and then deciding? Are these questions legitimate: 1. Have you emotionally checked out? 2. Really hard for us right now. We're not talking. 3. Do you want us to work out or not? Again, I really don't wanna become needy, don't wanna come across that I should convince her to stay. I feel about 70% ready to walk out IF SHE DOESN'T WANT THIS. I really wanna give her the benefit of the doubt. And sometimes, weekdays are hard. So the weekend might pick up. I do know this though. I'm spending way too much mental energy and time on this that I should be.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 1. Have you emotionally checked out? 2. Really hard for us right now. We're not talking. 3. Do you want us to work out or not? Doesn't 2 answer 1 and 3? Mr. Lucky
bathtub-row Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 If I were in your shoes, I’d be pre-emptive and make plans to leave. Tell her that you can tell she wants out and that giving you a window of time isn’t working for you. Hanging around and putting up with her attitude isn’t helping anything. She’s not really playing fair. Whether the problems are your doing or not is irrelevant at this stage. I think if you want her to perceive you as a man, shock her with making plans to leave and let her ponder the idea of you meeting someone new. If that doesn’t wake her up, I don’t know what will.
Author noonynicky Posted February 12, 2019 Author Posted February 12, 2019 (edited) If I were in your shoes, I’d be pre-emptive and make plans to leave. Tell her that you can tell she wants out and that giving you a window of time isn’t working for you. Hanging around and putting up with her attitude isn’t helping anything. She’s not really playing fair. Whether the problems are your doing or not is irrelevant at this stage. I think if you want her to perceive you as a man, shock her with making plans to leave and let her ponder the idea of you meeting someone new. If that doesn’t wake her up, I don’t know what will. All right. It' set. Yes, I thought I could tide it out these 2 months but it's hard. This message okay? I love you. I've always have from the day we made our vows. Throughout all we've been through, I always wanted to be the man in your life. Yes, being a man. Whether with you or with someone else, I have been, am still am, rising up to be someone who will make decisions, support you and plan for our future. Concerning the last one, here's the plan. [Talk about the 5 year plan, house, kids ,etc]. And I'll do everything in my ability to make it happen. To have a future for us. I do not ever wish to lose you. But I still wish for your happiness. If this is the future you want to have with me, then stay. If not, then it's natural that we go our separate ways. Edited February 12, 2019 by noonynicky
bathtub-row Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 I’m not sure what your above post was - a letter to her, what you plan to say to her? I’d recommend that you just say it’s not working and don’t give her a whole lot in the way of your feelings for her or about wishing her well. And don’t write a letter to her. Just say you need to talk and then let her know that you can tell it’s dead between the two of you and that you’re going to bow out of her life and look for a place to live. That’ll crush her timetable and suddenly the clock is ticking on her end, not yours. And even if she cries and asks you to stay, don’t cave in right away. Ask her if she’s sure that’s what she wants, and then say you’ll need to think about it. If she doesn’t ask you to stay, well, you just saved yourself couple of months of walking on eggshells. 1
elaine567 Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 This message okay? I love you. I've always have from the day we made our vows. Throughout all we've been through, I always wanted to be the man in your life. Yes, being a man. Whether with you or with someone else, I have been, am still am, rising up to be someone who will make decisions, support you and plan for our future. Concerning the last one, here's the plan. [Talk about the 5 year plan, house, kids ,etc]. And I'll do everything in my ability to make it happen. To have a future for us. I do not ever wish to lose you. But I still wish for your happiness. If this is the future you want to have with me, then stay. If not, then it's natural that we go our separate ways. No, do NOT send that. Listen to bathtub-row
Author noonynicky Posted February 12, 2019 Author Posted February 12, 2019 I'm once again, f***ing confused. ( Sorry if I keep on dragging this. At least I hope I'm entertaining you ) Today can be considered an up day. Maybe by reading your responses, I've adopted the mentality that yes, I did what I can and she's unfair on the terms. So I was like 90% prepared to leave, again, IF SHE WANTS TO. Thus, I guess I portrayed some manliness. 1. Didn't try to start conversation. She did. 2. Didn't acknowledge her presence much. Just focused on where I was heading to. 3. Basically, just did my thing knowing that I'm, and perhaps another girl is, better than her. ( I'm honestly secretly planning to move to NY which has a bigger finance presence to advance my career. No chance she could do this. I second guessed Wall Street because of this r/s. Not this time ) Her response: She walked over to the study, where I was. I said "If you're here, you better give me a kiss." She did. ( this hasn't happened in like 3 weeks ) Honestly, it's gonna be a game time decision what I'll say on Thu. She admit that she's "so-so" in the r/s. The game changer would be the plan for our future which I'll have 2 months left to prepare. Stay tuned.
oldtruck Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Just a detail. The ONLY advances I did were the light physical contact. (goes without saying there were tons of that before this thing happened) I do NOT demand her time, space in her schedule or that she can't spend time with others. Apologies on being pedantic (again) So she asked for permission to go to a party with a bunch of girls. Before: I said "Sure, go ahead" Now: I said "If the girls partners are there, I expect an invite. If not, then have fun" It was just girls. And she went. Am I giving her freedom? Before, it seemed like I was aloof and didn't care. Now, I felt I was standing up for myself in the sense that I feel that as your husband (now), I should be given the option to accompany if other husbands are there. I'm still learning the balance of giving her freedom, letting things flow naturally and clearly stating your expectations. And yup, I bought the book on Fri and read two chapters over the weekend. Let you know how it goes. Did you ever check your phone bill? No more sex, going out with the girls. Red flags. Does she guard her phone? 1
bathtub-row Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 Yes, entertaining. It reminds me of the scene from The Fugitive where the train is barreling down the tracks headed straight for the overturned bus. 1
overtherainbow1 Posted February 14, 2019 Posted February 14, 2019 2 month timeframe? I think you are going to fail this test no matter how well you do. But that's just my opinion. And even if she was being honest about this, would 2 months be enough time to change, or does she just want to see a dog and pony show. Someone said it earlier, a BDE man would have said it right away: I am the man, take it or leave it. She knew who you were. Chances are she is up to no good and has to find things wrong with you to make her feel better about the OM.
bathtub-row Posted February 14, 2019 Posted February 14, 2019 Anything new happening on the home front?
Author noonynicky Posted February 14, 2019 Author Posted February 14, 2019 Thanks for staying tuned. Seeing her in a few hours for dinner. If you ask me, it's still a game time decision - 30% take it or leave it now or 70% let things flow naturally for the 2 months. Again, I like to expand on me 'growing up as a man'. You can say for the last 2.5 years in the r/s, I was not the man. And I feel it should NOT be this way. So yes, at the core I'm still me. I even told her I won't be something I'm not; I won't talk about the stuff she wants to talk about but is foreign to me. But what I wish to be is the man in terms of decision making, planning for future, standing up for myself. Before, I was, put in 14 hours in office, tuned out at home. Even me saying it sounds bad. Which is why part of me doesn't want to draw the line ... just yet.
Crazelnut Posted February 14, 2019 Posted February 14, 2019 Can you define exactly what it means to you to "be The Man"? And are you sure it's the same definition your wife has?
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