How do married people successfully keep friends they are attracted to?

February 7, 2019

Why deny yourself?

Answer: you took marriage vows. You gave your word.

It’s called integrity.

February 7, 2019

I used to think like you when I was younger. I thought some innocent kissing on a trip wouldn’t hurt my then boyfriend - after all, “why deny yourself”?. I will never forget what it did to him, how sad, hurt and disappointed he was. The person I loved. I never cheated again, and will never do. Life is not about taking all opportunities you can get, it’s about caring for those who mean something to us.

I now believe the lack of boundaries comes from the way one was raised and the resulting psychological damage. You can bury that however you’d like, saying we only live once and should have fun... but if you were honest you’d recognize it comes from some damaged place in yourself.

As for the main question - when I was married and in love I didn’t feel attraction for friends. I could appreciate their beauty but I wouldn’t say I was “attracted”. There is a difference. It sounds to me like you should make your relationship open. At least then with things in the open, no one would get hurt.

February 7, 2019

Okay, to recap, most people here agree/admit that friends likely have sexual thoughts about other friends whom they find attractive (whether it be physical, personality, or likely a combo of both). I don't think this is a news flash or anything; it's just a true statement. People have sexual thoughts about other people. Full stop.

So that's a good point to jump off from...

And to keep the record clear, I have done nothing with friends past some very light flirting/banter, which I know most others have also engaged in.

I appreciate the feedback about involving spouses. It's just that in my special interest group, we talk about...our special interest. My spouse has her own thing she goes to. I would note that all of our group's FB posts/invites are public (to our group) and I frequently leave my messenger logged on our pc, so I hide nothing with K, or anyone else in the group, from my wife.

I'll be mindful of boundaries with K and others in the group, and I understand that I might have to be stricter with myself than others with better track records might have to be with themselves.

And to @somanymistakes, I thought your idea about admitting crushes to your spouse was super interesting. I have no problem admitting celeb crushes to my wife, but admitting a real life crush..., well you're right, that would certainly indicate a very stable and comfortable marriage.

Edited February 7, 2019 by CantGetEnuff

February 7, 2019

Maybe that’s a male thing...? Cause I don’t have sexual thoughts about friends. And I am no prude and a very sexual person. I do have thoughts about people who are not friends or potential romantic partners. No, I don’t think it’s healthy to have sexual thoughts about friends specially when you’re married.

Okay, to recap, most people here agree/admit that friends likely have sexual thoughts about other friends whom they find attractive (whether it be physical, personality, or likely a combo of both). I don't think this is a news flash or anything; it's just a true statement. People have sexual thoughts about other people. Full stop.

So that's a good point to jump off from...

February 7, 2019

Edgy, can we do polls here?

I ask because I would love to see if there is a difference between the men and women here on such a basic issue.

February 7, 2019

losangelena,

If a woman is ugly, I'm not going to have any interest in sex with her.

But if a woman is attractive, and especially if she is also funny and smart, I am going to, at least on a basic primal level if nothing else, want to have sex with her. It's just biology.

But I only want to hang out with attractive, smart, and funny women. If they aren't those things, why bother? I am not going to hang out with ugly, stupid, non-funny women just so I won't be tempted to flirt with them. What would that even accomplish?

What about ugly, smart and funny women? Are they allowed to be your friend or does she have to be attractive? If she does you have a problem.

February 7, 2019

It must be a man thing. I’ve never had sexual thoughts about a male friend, or any of my friends’ husbands/partners. Never. Ever. I’m just not interested, but I’m generally not interested in other men when in a relationship. Doesn’t matter if it’s a friend or a random stranger or a biz contact. But since men think about sex much more (this is a generalization, but i think it applies to me), it’s par for the course that these thoughts would also involve their female friends, I suppose.

February 7, 2019

artdeco,

Now I'm even more curious about what poll results would look like.

Because when I hear someone say, "I never have any sexual thoughts about any of my friends," or "I never had sexual thoughts about other men/women when I am in a relationship," my first response is..."You have to be f'ing kidding me." I'd assume they are either lying (not accusing you of that, to be clear) or that men and women are VERY different in this regard.

Cool name, btw...I have always been crazy about art deco aesthetics.

February 7, 2019

Cool name, btw...I have always been crazy about art deco aesthetics.

Thanks, me too. Le corbusier is one of my faves.

February 7, 2019

Okay, I may have something for you, after all.

I'll agree with the premise that men are hardwired to **** and kill (a third may be to sit around the fire chewing khat). And I don't have thoughts about ****ing ALL of my female friends; we're talking half, two-thirds tops.

But your question isn't necessarily about that; it's about maintaining a successful friendship with women you may have passing thoughts about. I have passing thoughts about a lot of things. Going back to my "hardwired" comment above, I may have passing thoughts about going after my ******* neighbor with a rusty gravel rake, but I don't think about acting on those thoughts, nor would I typically bring it up in a conversation with that neighbor.

Nor do I think about acting upon the occasional thoughts I may have about female friends. Self-control really isn't that much of a chore, even for me.

February 7, 2019

Yes I’ve seen a poll on the sex section about how people prefer body hair to be treated, check it out. I think it was by a common user not one of he admins, but not sure. Maybe you can start a thread / poll there.

What I meant is I do get attracted to random people, but I guess I mentally put friends and partner’s friends in the do-not-even-go-there category. I also do it with important exes of friends. I consider them to turn into priests - untouchable.

Edgy, can we do polls here?

I ask because I would love to see if there is a difference between the men and women here on such a basic issue.

Edited February 7, 2019 by edgygirl

February 7, 2019

I have occasionally wondered if men having external genitalia has anything to do with how frequently/easily they are aroused.

Woman here and will agree, nope, no guy friend arousal. If a man is a friend, he is sincerely only a friend.

Men with women friends who want to kiss in a corner or get a hotel; she does not view you as a friend, rather a potential lover.

You are married OP, so take note.

February 7, 2019

I definitely have sexual thoughts h about other men while I am in a relationship. This has been true no matter what boyfriend I was with, my husband etc.

But I can’t say I ever fantasized about FRIENDS. Like I said, I kinda put them in the same zone as my brother - just not happening. Husbands friends, even then I have found some attractive, light flirting in the way of catching them looking but that’s about it. Never rubbed one out while thinking about them

And while not as extreme as you OP, I do recognize I have narcissistic traits.

Never imagined I would be a “cheater” till I was. Started a bit like your story here. Attractive man who I had a great rapport with. Really enjoyed stimulating conversations with him, and the next thing you know we are sitting a bit closer every day on the train till eventually we’re banging.

Once those gates were opened it was all too easy. Honestly it’s like cocaine. If before you thought you had the world by the balls, it’s as if this confirmed it. Have what you want, you only live once, you deserve it. It’s like we were all in the have your cake and eat it too club.

Eventually I had to face the consequences of my actions, breaking his heart also broke my own.

It made it all not worth it. Even thinking about it wasn’t fun anymore. Any temptation into an illicit interaction didn’t make me feel excited any more, it make me feel anxious and sick.

My boundaries are stronger now. Friends are most certainly not temptation.

Maybe someday your actions will come back to you and you will feel compelled to change your mindset.

Or perhaps you won’t, and this will remain an eternal struggle.

Edited February 7, 2019 by RecentChange

February 7, 2019

Woman here. It’d creep the hell out of me if I knew my male friends had sexual thoughts about me, even if these thought were fleeting. Of course I always have general sexual thoughts and fantasies, but never about real-life people I know personally. Even with my previous bfs, I didn’t look at them in a sexual light until we had developed emotional and romantic bonding. My current bf was an exception. We met in a semi-professional manner a couple of years before we started dating. It was lust at first sight for me, even though I was attracted more by his being intelligent and open-minded, and we clicked so well in our convo. I was single during the those entire two years, and couldn’t stop thinking about him in the sexual light. I didn’t know why suddenly I became like a man Perhaps it was due to my age (hitting mid-30s).

Edited February 7, 2019 by JuneL

February 7, 2019

JuneL,

Well I don't want to creep you out but again, I would bet a huge fat stack that many, if not the majority, of your straight male friends has had sexual thoughts about you. Do with that as you will!

I just think we are wired differently when it comes do that sorta thing. It doesn't have to be bad, and it doesn't mean that they don't respect you or value you as a human being. It just means they think about banging.

I really need to look into this poll thing.

And Gorilla and RecentChanges, I liked your comments but for whatever reason my 'likes' seem to have disappeared, as I now have the option to "like" them yet again.

Gorilla, I actually agree with the 1/2, 2/3 tops thing. That is probably a more accurate measurement.

RecentChanges, thank you very much for sharing that. I find it very helpful to hear stories from others who have made mistakes but who have also changed their behavior as a result. I identify with it more. And 100% yes to the "it's all too easy" stuff.

February 7, 2019

I appreciate the feedback about involving spouses. It's just that in my special interest group, we talk about...our special interest.

When you're with your special interest group, talk endlessly about your interest.

However, in the first situation you described, you talked deeply and at length with your friend and the two spouses got left out. Common courtesy would dictate that if it's an event where people who don't share the interest are invited, that you be more flexible on your topics and make sure to include them. Drag yourself away from the attractive women and the shared interest and include the others.

February 7, 2019

H and I share most of our interests, and I'm attracted to very, very few people. This combination has made it such that what you describe has just never happened to me, for 10+ years (I think this doesn't just apply to marriages, but also for monogamous vLTRs).

I guess people can't really help how many people they're attracted to, but you CAN make the effort to (1) foster the spark with your spouse - go on dates, try new things together, build common interests. If the connection between you is strong, it is much less likely that you'd build a bond with others, and (2) minimize contact with "friends" whom you are strongly attracted to. If I did find something developing, I'd hope I'd scale down on the friendship.

If you can't be friends with any women who are "ugly", I think there's something wrong with how you perceive friendships and women in general, and there probably lies your problem. Most of us don't base friendships on how the person looks.

February 7, 2019

Btw, I’ve noticed that there’re married men who enjoy flirting with attractive women and enjoy being attracted to each other; but these men won’t do anything to actually get into an affair with the woman.

February 7, 2019

Looking at your two other threads and it all makes sense now.

You’re a 1) self professed narcissist and 2) “addicted to women”.

Why are you so surprised that almost everyone else in this thread seems to think differently than you, and you keep assuming we’re all lying or so and must be attracted to friends?

I’m actually curious now to hear from other male posters if that’s also the case with them. If constantly thinking about sex with female friends is a narcissistic/addiction thing or a male thing.

February 7, 2019

You need to decide if you want to be single. You seem to kind of prefer this other woman. I commend you for not acting on it, but you kind of are by continuing to build a friendship. No wife wants to sit around and buddy up to someone who obviously has more than a passing interest in her husband and he to her.

So decide if you want to be single. If you want to be married, I suggest you put space between you and this friend.

February 7, 2019

Edgy,

I can't create a poll...for some reason I don't get the, "Create a poll!" option at the bottom of my "new post screen" (I googled and found a page that says members can do that, but maybe I can't because I'm new?)

Anyway, I am going to start a thread that just asks people to chime in with their answer, and with their gender.

I guess I'll find out if I'm a perv or not. Fingers crossed.

February 7, 2019

Do you really need a poll? You have taken a poll here and people have answered your questions... Why do you find it so difficult to understand or perhaps, accept, something that seems rather basic to most everyone who has responded...

February 7, 2019

Woman here. It’d creep the hell out of me if I knew my male friends had sexual thoughts about me, even if these thought were fleeting.

They are. Some of them at least. Maybe its because I grew up a Tom Boy, but I have always had a bit of a look into the "boys club".

Out of acquaintances, I can usually tell which ones by how they look at me. But honestly it doesn't bother me at all because they are not ACTING on it.

There is an older, retired attorney who - I guess you could say loves my company. I join him out to dinner on occasions. I enjoy conversations with him, and keep boundaries VERY clear, and he conducts himself as a gentlemen.

I was telling another male friend about this dynamic, and he asked why I didn't have a bit of fun with him and flirt. I responded that I was already certain he was wacking off to me , and I didn't need to blur any lines.

Guy friend asked if that bothered me - I said no, not at all, I understand the nature of men.

Anyway, I am going to start a thread that just asks people to chime in with their answer, and with their gender.

I guess I'll find out if I'm a perv or not. Fingers crossed.

See the thing is - you didn't start this by asking if people THOUGHT about friends in a sexual way, you asked what to do if one senses "a spark".

To be exact:

"but I do sense a "spark" of something. As long as it's left unsaid, is there anything wrong with this? What else is a person supposed to do?"

I guess many of us are saying we nip it in the bud before any "sparks" develop. And if they DO? I say thats when you really have to reel it back.

I have guy friends that have started to get just a bit too.... comfortable. Let their looks linger too long. Gave me too much attention. And at that point I have a choice, leave it unsaid and let it smolder.

Or, what I have learned to do, is shut it down. Keep interactions short and colder. I stop indulging them when they give me that "you're so special" vibe.

Its the "oh $hi! he is really starting to dig me" moment of reckoning where I have to then take things down a few notches, or stop interacting with them entirely.

Again thoughts ≠ Actions.

Edited February 7, 2019 by RecentChange

February 7, 2019

I'm female and I have occasional sexual thoughts about friends, sure.

I don't let it get into deliberate fantasies because that would be inappropriate. The thought might cross my mind, but I'm not going to sit down and focus on it.

If you actually want a statistical sampling, a few people in a thread voicing their opinions isn't going to tell you anything, especially a thread that's already been going for a while and has more people from a particular side invested in it. If you ACTUALLY want an answer to that question, at the very least you'd want a new topic, but ideally you'd want to ask in lots of other places.

But is that answer actually useful? Because whether other people are attracted to their friends doesn't really help.

February 7, 2019

Hmm I get it now. It’s probably because you’re not an “established member” yet. You will be soon enough.

Edit: I take it back. On the thread I mentioned, they have the following note, indicating only moderators can create polls “{Moderation note: Moderator ~6, who set up the poll, made it multiple choice so anyone voting can vote for more than one choice if they choose}”

found a page that says members can do that

I think more important than knowing if people feel attraction to friends, is finding out why you have the urge to act on it and/or obsess about it. We all know when it’s inappropriate to take a fleeting thought further and as mentioned above we nip it in the bud.

Edited February 7, 2019 by edgygirl

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How do married people successfully keep friends they are attracted to?

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